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What really defines it as BPD?
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Topic: What really defines it as BPD? (Read 350 times)
Kelvin
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 14
What really defines it as BPD?
«
on:
November 29, 2015, 02:31:05 PM »
Hello all,
I've been in LC about 3 months in which the BU occurred 5 months ago. I have been just going over the relationship just to see A.) how many signs did I ignore and B.) My role in it and how I can be better in the future. I have been reading this site a TON and although I see many many similarities between my ex-gf who was undiagnosed, I just want to know is there a defining feature that made you really believe BPD was present? My ex was a liar, cheater and I believe that the only reason we got back together after the first time we "broke-up" (her excuse for cheating) was bc the guy she cheated on me with went to jail. She ultimately left me for some guy that she was chatting her up online months before the BU. She was estranged from her father and her family is littered with other issues. I tried to leave her once years before but she broke down saying she needed me and it broke my heart to see her like that. How do we know this simply is their character?
What did you guys see in your relationships that really struck you as "yep, BPD"
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steelwork
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1259
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #1 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:10:21 PM »
Quote from: Kelvin on November 29, 2015, 02:31:05 PM
What did you guys see in your relationships that really struck you as "yep, BPD"
Kelvin, I'm wondering too. And wondering about my wish to "know" if the label suits my situation. But I feel I'm in the right place, because so many bells are ringing when I read about other people's experiences.
I posted this in my intro on this board:
Reality gaps and unwillingness to stay on an uncomfortable topic
Empathy problems
Jeckyl and Hyde behavior
Weird lies
Freeze-out
Really brutal history of childhood abuse
Self-proclaimed abandonment issues
Ex-junkie
Maleable personality
Extreme valuation of his professional achievements
Love-bombed and put me on a pedestal
Hope this helps. I too am struggling to understand what happened.
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lm911
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #2 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:11:59 PM »
Quote from: Kelvin on November 29, 2015, 02:31:05 PM
Hello all,
I've been in LC about 3 months in which the BU occurred 5 months ago. I have been just going over the relationship just to see A.) how many signs did I ignore and B.) My role in it and how I can be better in the future. I have been reading this site a TON and although I see many many similarities between my ex-gf who was undiagnosed, I just want to know is there a defining feature that made you really believe BPD was present? My ex was a liar, cheater and I believe that the only reason we got back together after the first time we "broke-up" (her excuse for cheating) was bc the guy she cheated on me with went to jail. She ultimately left me for some guy that she was chatting her up online months before the BU. She was estranged from her father and her family is littered with other issues. I tried to leave her once years before but she broke down saying she needed me and it broke my heart to see her like that. How do we know this simply is their character?
What did you guys see in your relationships that really struck you as "yep, BPD"
The criteria for BPD is met. That's how I decided. Moreover - black/white thinking, unstable interpersonal relatinships, feeling of emptiness.
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Schermarhorn
formerly nonya24
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 258
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #3 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:15:52 PM »
My ex is undiagnosed (to my knowledge), and this is what I experienced during my relationship with her:
Compulsive lying
Rages
Love bombing
Idealization
Suicidal thoughts
Relationship issues with friends/family
On the spot breakups/blocking, with her returning shortly after
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Moselle
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899
Every day is a gift. Live it fully
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #4 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:18:37 PM »
Fear of abandonment. If I went away on business I thought she should be excited to see me when I returned. She was always angry and would take 3 or 4 days to warm up to me again. I realise now that each time I went away, she burned with abandonment fears.
Splitting. Being labeled all white and idolised one day and in the next moment all black or evil. It confused the heck out of me. Until I read about "splitting".
Intimacy issues. All BPD's seem to struggle with intimacy in one way or another. Wanting it all the time, never wanting it, playing victim, one sided intimacy, or a combination.
Anger. Rages are common. Due to any perceived infringement by a partner/lover. I was told that I deserved it because I had hurt her. Never mind that it was an invented sleight. In her mind I was guilty and therefore free game to be raged at, and physically beaten.
Money. Fixated by it. Spending copious amounts of it and having absolutely no impulse control over herself.
Ok there's a list
.
Do you recognise any any of that?
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steelwork
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1259
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #5 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:23:19 PM »
Right, yes, black/white. Badmouthed or indifferent to exes. Blocked me without any cause (i.e. preempting possible contact) when I truly had neever tread on a boundary. In fact, his main complaint was that we'd become estranged because I wasn't contacting him ENOUGH.
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Joem678
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 234
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #6 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:23:47 PM »
I guess what you are asking is how can it just be that you were with a liar and a cheater? What makes it BPD? For me, it was many "What the heck" moments in our relationship. I could write a book as I'm sure most of you can too.
But what stands out: 1)lying
2)Fairy tale victim
3)Jekyll and Hyde behavior
4)idealization of friends and lovers
5)issues with friends and family.
6)reality gaps
7)childhood abuse (physically and sexually)
Also, it is how you are left? I think the biggest clue is if you were cheated on, you are left feeling guilty and responsible for the cheating. Especially, if they are making you feel horrible.
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Kelvin
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 14
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #7 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:36:34 PM »
Quote from: Joem678 on November 29, 2015, 03:23:47 PM
I guess what you are asking is how can it just be that you were with a liar and a cheater? What makes it BPD? For me, it was many "What the heck" moments in our relationship. I could write a book as I'm sure most of you can too.
But what stands out: 1)lying
2)Fairy tale victim
3)Jekyll and Hyde behavior
4)idealization of friends and lovers
5)issues with friends and family.
6)reality gaps
7)childhood abuse (physically and sexually)
Also, it is how you are left? I think the biggest clue is if you were cheated on, you are left feeling guilty and responsible for the cheating. Especially, if they are making you feel horrible.
I think that is it. When she cheated she hit me with "Well in my mind we weren't together" and "I was feeling really vulnerable and he was there for me" and although she left me for another guy she made it seem like it was my fault we broke up and she actually said (since I had recently got a good job) "Part of me thinks you don't even deserve the success you have" It was like I was the one who broke her heart and not the other way around!
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thisagain
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 408
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #8 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:37:01 PM »
There was one day toward the end of my relationship that really summed it all up for me. The night before she picked a fight with me over a "friend" who she'd been flirting with (the "friend" had basically propositioned her, and my partner was pretending to be oblivious). She gave me the silent treatment most of the morning. We'd planned to go out to dinner for her birthday, so I told her that I wasn't going to pay for a fancy dinner if she was going to sulk. She yelled at me for a while about how I can't tell her how to feel and then yelled "it's over! I can't do this anymore!", which I just ignored.
A few hours later, she starts begging me not to leave her, says she didn't mean it, wants to make out. Starts talking about proposing and what our house is going to look like. Spent most of the afternoon literally clinging to me and begging me to never leave her because we're meant to be together and I'm perfect for her.
Then at dinner, she resumed picking the fight about the inappropriate "friend" and went back to pouting.
I think what makes it BPD as opposed to just a horrible cheating person, is the splitting and fear of abandonment. It's not our job to diagnose our partners (let alone our exes), but it was so comforting to me to come here and see the patterns playing out in so many other people's relationships. Days like the one I described above often made me feel crazy, so it was comforting and validating to see how my ex's crazymaking moments fit with a recognized pattern of disordered thinking/behavior. She claims to this day that she doesn't have BPD and that she discussed it extensively with her therapist. I don't really care anymore, because I know what I experienced.
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Joem678
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 234
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #9 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:41:36 PM »
The conversation that made me go NC was when she tried to guilt me for behaving the way I did after the previous affair. She was saying, Babe, I want a divorce because of the way you acted after (guys name). We were discussing the current situation.
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FannyB
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 566
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #10 on:
November 29, 2015, 03:49:58 PM »
It's the push/pull behaviour. I want you til you want me then I don't want you! Nearly drove me mad. Never has a relationship so discombobulated me that I went online for answers. The other behaviours: dissociation, impulsivity, sulking, triangulation etc. were all symptoms of the primary relationship dynamic i.e. abandonment & engulfment terror.
Fanny
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C.Stein
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360
Re: What really defines it as BPD?
«
Reply #11 on:
November 29, 2015, 11:23:10 PM »
For me, I accidentally landed on an article about BPD after our relationship was over and it was almost as if I had written it about us. This prompted much research. I also took several different online screening tests using my knowledge of her and our relationship. In all the screening tests there was a high probability she is suffering from BPD.
Then I found this site and all the similar stories kinda confirmed what I already had come to suspect. She has not been officially diagnosed to my knowledge but I feel if she were she would be classified as BPD with a possible comorbid HPD.
Really doesn't matter either way though. She couldn't control her hurtful behavior and it destroyed me and our relationship. At the end of the day that is the only thing that matters.
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