Ending It

[FigureIt]

So Tuesday we were done.  My uBPDbf told his family, his kids, his friends we were going our separate ways.  I am GOOD with that and was ready to move on.  The past 4 days he's been trying to recycle me.  We own a house together and therefore live together. 

I've told him I haven't made a decision on whether to stay together or not, because I NEED to speak with my attorney about some of the legal ramifications of owning the house together etc.  He doesn't know about me going to my attorney.  He has told me he's 50/50 on if we should stay together or break up and that he's fine with whatever I decide.

I have decided I can't live this way anymore.  There have been TOO many lies and the constant up & down.  All based on his feelings, emotions, etc.

What I don't get is if he went and told everyone we were done, why want me back?

[Kelli Cornett]

I'm in the same boat. Went over there yesterday (bad i know ) had great sex and now asked me to come over again tn... .Even though we said yesterday was the last!

I don't want to go back to going over there every night. I don't wanna fall back into that hell. I feel like I'm gonna have to be the stronger person. Even though he BROKE UP WITH ME.


I understand the struggle of saying no and keeping your boundaries. I wish I had some good advice but I think we just have to try.

[FigureIt]

That is tough!

I'm also dreading the repercussions when I do end it.  My D(10) (not his) still believes in Santa and I don't want to ruin her Christmas.  Even his own kids D(23) & S(17) have told me to end it.  That they think I deserve better.

[Kelli Cornett]

That is tough!

I'm also dreading the repercussions when I do end it.  My D(10) (not his) still believes in Santa and I don't want to ruin her Christmas.  Even his own kids D(23) & S(17) have told me to end it.  That they think I deserve better.

It is so hard to end things with people. I've always struggled with it. ( co-dependence )

[Forestaken]

That is tough!

I'm also dreading the repercussions when I do end it.  My D(10) (not his) still believes in Santa and I don't want to ruin her Christmas.  Even his own kids D(23) & S(17) have told me to end it.  That they think I deserve better.

Wait?

His own kids think you deserve better?  Maybe you do.

For years, I tried to keep everything special for my kids.  My uBPD+dOCD-Xw always found a way to ruin it.  Think about you and your D10.  Peace is a gift.

[FigureIt]

Wait?

His own kids think you deserve better?  Maybe you do.

For years, I tried to keep everything special for my kids.  My uBPD+dOCD-Xw always found a way to ruin it.  Think about you and your D10.  Peace is a gift.

I completely agree with having my own peace!  Now I'm feeling horrible because he's trying to do nice stuff (knowing I could be gone) and I'm irritated by it.

How do you tell them you don't love them, I guess ENOUGH, anymore without breaking them apart?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FigureIt, you seem like a kind person concerned about hurting your soon-to-be ExBF.  Presumably you fear some emotional outburst, which is always possible with a pwBPD, and that's why you're walking on eggshells, right?  You could say that you are care taking his emotions, which usually means you are avoiding taking care of yourself.  If so, you might ask why you are looking to someone else for your worth and value, rather than sourcing it from within.  Does this sound like your situation?

LuckyJim

[FigureIt]

Hey FigureIt, you seem like a kind person concerned about hurting your soon-to-be ExBF.  Presumably you fear some emotional outburst, which is always possible with a pwBPD, and that's why you're walking on eggshells, right?  You could say that you are care taking his emotions, which usually means you are avoiding taking care of yourself.  If so, you might ask why you are looking to someone else for your worth and value, rather than sourcing it from within.  Does this sound like your situation?

LuckyJim

LuckyJim you are right I am fearing emotional outburst from him.  I also have a D(10) who I have been able to explain some of the situation to her.  I would say I am care taking his emotions because I feel bad that I am going to hurt him... .although I know in the back of my head it isn't the same hurt I actually feel.  (Due to this all starting last week he has already told his mother, kids, and friends we are going our separate ways)  Which I was completely fine with.  Now the past couple days he's doing "nice things" and I know it's to have me stay because of his fear of abandonment.

I am waiting to meet with my attorney and haven't officially just said we're done yet.  I have told him I was trying to decide... .which I have.  I would stay if he was this current person ALL the time, but HE's NOT and I don't feel I can be safe with him (using everything against me), I don't truly "love him" anymore.  After 5 years of this constant rollercoaster I WANT OFF!   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FigureIt, I get that you don't want to hurt him, but at the same time you are hurting yourself by staying.  It's a self-destructive dynamic, in my view.  I should know, after a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  Yes there is a potential impact on your D, which deserves consideration and sensitivity.  Yet I would suggest that there's a benefit for a child to see that positive change is possible in life.  It demonstrates that one need not remain mired in an unhealthy situation.

LuckyJim

[FigureIt]

Hey FigureIt, I get that you don't want to hurt him, but at the same time you are hurting yourself by staying.  It's a self-destructive dynamic, in my view.  I should know, after a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  Yes there is a potential impact on your D, which deserves consideration and sensitivity.  Yet I would suggest that there's a benefit for a child to see that positive change is possible in life.  It demonstrates that one need not remain mired in an unhealthy situation.

LuckyJim

You are right. Hopefully she will see my experience and never have to suffer like I have. (Her dad is a narcissist and verbal abuser.) She actually made a statement a couple months ago how my current BF and her dad are similar and I have bad choice in guys.

I have a meeting tomorrow with my attorney. I'm dreading that it may take 4+ months to end this. When I say it's done and he goes and finds my replacement how do you not let that hurt?

[Lucky Jim]

I'm not saying you can make a change without pain.  To the contrary, it can hurt a lot.  But suggest you look at it as short term pain in exchange for longer term happiness.  Many people recycle to alleviate the hurt.  I did.  Most kids are pretty perceptive about their parents and usually know something already, so it's usually not a complete surprise.  LJ