Not proud of myself

[tribalmart]

It was stronger than me and after 6 weeks NC I have checked her Facebook profile... .and I'm not proud of me! I unblocked her to check.

Oubviously she's still with the replacement but she did'nt delete any picture of us? Only thinking she's having sex with this kid (he's 24... .she's 30) drive me crazy... .of course she is still so gorgeous!

I'm a single dad of 38 yo, I thought I had alot to offer but I feel that my life was too boring for my exBPDgf, and I have refused to have a baby with her (fortunately). They seem to go out more often that we used to and they act as a couple. I feel he can give her something I was not able to do... .more freedom, less routine... .anyways... .I'm frustrated! she lives and enjoys her "new life" and meanwhile I'm having an hard time recovering from the pain she did!

I know it was not the best idea to check her FB but the shock is not so terrible... .nothing postive but I will survive! And Christmas time is coming... .it wont be easy, the best gift I could offer to myself is to move on!

[Forestaken]

It was stronger than me and after 6 weeks NC I have checked her Facebook profile... .and I'm not proud of me! I unblocked her to check.

Oubviously she's still with the replacement but she did'nt delete any picture of us? Only thinking she's having sex with this kid (he's 24... .she's 30) drive me crazy... .of course she is still so gorgeous!

I'm a single dad of 38 yo, I thought I had alot to offer but I feel that my life was too boring for my exBPDgf, and I have refused to have a baby with her (fortunately). They seem to go out more often that we used to and they act as a couple. I feel he can give her something I was not able to do... .more freedom, less routine... .anyways... .I'm frustrated! she lives and enjoys her "new life" and meanwhile I'm having an hard time recovering from the pain she did!

I know it was not the best idea to check her FB but the shock is not so terrible... .nothing postive but I will survive! And Christmas time is coming... .it wont be easy, the best gift I could offer to myself is to move on!

Moving on is the best gift you can give yourself.

How old is your kid(s)?

[tribalmart]

She is 6 yo... .she s my treasure... .my ex BPD gf is not her Mother.

[Mutt]

I feel he can give her something I was not able to do... .more freedom, less routine... .anyways... .I'm frustrated!

Your D6 needs stability and routine? I know how much that stings when she's enjoying her new life. I think that it helps when we step back and look at the whole picture with the good and bad parts in our relationships. I notice that you are focused on the good parts of their relationship. What were some bad parts in your r/s.

[tribalmart]

The good parts:

-Great sex from the start to the end (what i miss the most)

-Great companionship

-Beautiful woman (roller coaster for my self-esteem... .can boost in a way but can also lower)


The bad parts:

-Depression phase / many up & down (often)

-After idealisation phase, many many lies... .she played in my back

-Bad communication skills

-After idealisation phase, manipulative

-Harassment for a baby & wedding

[helpmewithbpd]

Omg when I was reading this I couldn't believe it,  this is exactly what my ex BPD gf is doing,  6 months down the track and it's still the same,  my ex is 33 with a 13yo son and is with a 19 yo guy,  she hates my guts and doesn't even look at me,  inever did anything to deserve it,  I think it because when I was really struggling one day I was talking to some one and it has got back to her but this story is so close to home I really feel for you,  I still can't move on i really hope you can sooner than I have.

[Mutt]

The good parts:

-Great sex from the start to the end (what i miss the most)

-Great companionship

-Beautiful woman (roller coaster for my self-esteem... .can boost in a way but can also lower)


The bad parts:

-Depression phase / many up & down (often)

-After idealisation phase, many many lies... .she played in my back

-Bad communication skills

-After idealisation phase, manipulative

-Harassment for a baby & wedding

I think that when we feel frustrated it helps to think about both the good and bad or write it down. It gives us a more realistic picture of our relationship and it can help with speeding up our recovery. Do you see the logic? I see that you have more negatives than positives and that things changed after the idealization phase. What prompted you to unblock her to check?

[tribalmart]

The deep reason behind that is my poor self-esteem + need of validation. Maybe I wanted to validate that she's really ill? or that she is failing?

I used to put her on a pedestal because of her physical attributes... .even if I'm 8 years older I'm a very good looking guy but with a poor self-esteem. I'm frustrated that she rebounds so fast and especially with this 25 yo kid. I know she has'nt choose him. When you really choose someone it's almost impossible to find so quickly! It was the first available to supply her! She's not able to be alone. One of the last time I talked to her she went : " I must say that it's very difficult for me to stay alone, don't worry for me... .I'm taking advantage of him and his friends not the opposite." They looks so happy and it makes me sad, jealous and angry... .That kid who smoke pot and drink daily is enjoying sex with her... .I just can't believe!

Honnestly I miss her in my bed (essentialy) and also in my life... .I know it' impossible and I will not try to contact her! but I just can't believe she's so fake, she' so false!... .when you see her FB nobody could tell she's so dishonnest and evil... .she look like an angel! Her family and friends believe she's the sweet little naive girl... if you talk to her exes the version is gonna be alot different! When she let the mask drop she will play in your back (without remorse and empathy)  to feed her needs and to validate herself... but still will behave as the sweet little girl.

Sorry to talk about something not directly related to my topic subject but I need to share... .To answer the main question I think checking her FB was only to see if she was failing or not!

[helpmewithbpd]

This rings so close to home it hurts me

[Mutt]

This is your discussion and you are the host. You can share what's on your mind. I'm a big advocate on getting it out. It helps to talk.

I know that she presents a side to the world that is different than people that are close to her see. Your exBPDgf wants emotional intimacy but intimacy is what triggers the disorder,  then she'll push you away because she feels engulfed and the distance triggers her fear of abandonment and she'll pull you back closer. It feels like crazy making behavior for us.

They looks so happy and it makes me sad, jealous and angry.

That's good that you identified that you have poor self esteem and that you're looking for validation. With that topic in mind, do you see how your are putting your self worth with their relationship? Your value doesn't decrease because of someone's inability to see your worth.

[helpmewithbpd]

Do you feel that you need her validation? I feel I need my exs validation that's all I feel if  could get it I could move on,  do you feel this way?

[Looking4insight]

Hey tribal,

Thanks for sharing. Ur story relates closely to my thoughts today. My ex BPD has gone silent on me for about a month ( one contact on thx giving , I'm counting it).

I know she is incapable of just up and leaving cold turkey (I don't think any human being is able to leave something even half way decent with NO alternative) so I'm sure she is sleeping with or has found someone new that she is about to sleep with.

I realize today I by far miss the sex the most. I even went to write the pros and cons of our relationship and guess what... .

3 pros - sex , looks, fun

At least 10 cons ! Big red flags that I was determine to work with and thought would get better over time.

With all that being said I still miss the sex haha. My plan rn is to stay NC , considering all her exes have begged for her back in the past I, thinking NC Is gonna bother her he most.

How long after the r/s did she hook up with this guy? And how long before made public?

[C.Stein]

3 pros - sex , looks, fun

Certainly you can find more pro's that this.  These are superficial things about a person and don't really reflect at all on their character.  What parts of her character do you find attractive and/or miss?

[Looking4insight]

C stein,

Those are it I thought really hard about it.

She was adventurous which I loved but I think that goes with fun.

she was super interested in our convos at first but that faded. At first she use to beg me to call her and talk for hrs ( I think this is how she got her mind off her ex, and now me).

I liked the fact that she enjoyed talking every night but it bcame dreadful bc she didn't understand my job much and she wasn't a big talker, I'd just stop talking after about thirty minutes. It would eventually become silent and she'd say she just wanted to hear me breath.

I guess she was kinda supportive and I felt like she was there for me. That's what hurts the most that it was a lie and mostly just for her boredom or something. Blahhh

[True Grenadine]

Hi, I too am in a very similar boat... .I'm 47 she's 38. We both got two kids... .Everything was perfect then it changed... .Etc. text book BPD... .We are still together but in a transition out... .Best advice is too keep educating yourself on BPD and relationships, ask yourself why you can't leave or want her despite the hell... .And focus on your Daughter... .

I got two girls ages 6 and 10. Their mom died of cancer and I'm all they have... .They are my motive out of the toxic relationship and to stay vigilant in educating myself about BPD and healthy relationships while I move the GF out... .She moved into my home a year ago.

Each day i strive to not focus on the day to day hell of being with a BPD and her lies, devaluation and antics and focus only on the long term of what I want for me... .

Don't put up with her antics and resist the urges to sneak peeks... .start or find new hobbies or exercise to get the frustrations out... .Also it's good to move on but do so when you are aware that you are not focusing on the GF... .Youll never meet the right person for you if you are focused on another person... .Perhaps start going to play date places like children's museums to meet other single moms... .

Good luck and share more if you need... .

TG

[tribalmart]

THANKS to all of you for you great support... .it is soo helpful!

helpmewithBPD : Not her validation... .validate myself that she is really ill... .It's weird but I want to be sure at 100% just to validate that's impossible between us and that no one will eventualy benefit of the good version of her. Also I must admit that my deepest wish if to see her fail. The Wheel must turn for all the pain she did to me and also to her exs partners. The life must take charge of it, there must be a justice.

[tribalmart]

I will block her again on FB but there's a 48 hours delay to do it again. I have to say that I have checked a couple time since yesterday. I dont want to fall into a deep analyse but her profile pics (oh yes shes beautiful!) let me think that she has not changed. It's like a "modeling" pictures, a selfie, she has a very sensual look with her hand in the hair... .you see!

She is in a r/s (with the replacement)... .what the hell is she looking for by sharing this type of pics? In my opinion, when in r/s you keep a certain limit... .that's not very respectful, poor guy... .he does'nt know, for the moment. Anyways this part doesnt concern myself anymore. When we were togehter, she used to take ALOT of selfies of that kind. She put it on FB to validate that she is still beautiful... .the more people that like the pics the more it feeds her poor self-esteem... .but it's only temporary, it's a never ending game! Anyways the patern look the same. I tought going on her FB would be only damageable but some observation are quite positive.