Monogamy as a Boundary

[FartonmyHeart]

My partner of 7 years (who is in a full time facility after a psychotic breakdown and recent late-life BPD diagnosis) called me two days ago and said I'M IN. I COMMIT TO YOU. And then we had a long talk where he spoke about how he was starting to accept his BPD diagnosis and showed me some of the worksheets and things he'd been "taking seriously" for the past few days since we had our (capital letters) Life Talk.

So I took a big girl breath and stated that an intractable boundary for me, should we continue our relationship, will be monogamy for the foreseeable future. I said that perhaps in a couple years if he is stable, I am stable, and our relationship is stable, we could revisit the concept of opening up the relationship, but that at this time I felt that in order to rebuild trust, focus on healing ourselves, and focus on learning to relate to one another first, I was not not comfortable continuing a relationship with him that was not fully and traditionally monogamous. He said "I didn't see THAT coming," and that the idea of seeing other people was "somehow important to him." I told him that I didn't want him to do anything out of an obligation to what he thought he was expected to do, but rather to take time and think about what he really wanted. Was I worth giving up potentially sleeping around for at least 1-2 years to him? Why is the "idea of seeing other people" so important to him vs why does he want to "commit to me?" And prepare his thoughts for our joint therapy session, which unless I get a call otherwise will be this Wednesday afternoon. Then there was some lovey-dovey stuff and goodbyes. And a reminder that he was not obligated to me or anyone else, that I loved him and supported him in becoming more of himself in whatever way that manifested.

It went OK but he dysregulated briefly as I was leaving in the lobby of the facility, with a full out NO NO NO physical tantrum starting but I was able to calm him down really quickly and he went to the bathroom, but then the nurses were all on top of me asking what I did to set him off and even other residents were calling out to me as I walked to my car telling me to "treat him right" and "he loves you" and "he's a good guy" and "be nice to him" and I felt like such a monster.

Our therapist had said to communicate my big boundary if/when he said he wanted to commit to the relationship. Obviously he saw some of my emotions during this convo and that could have been part of it but that wasn't the point when he got upset. It was like a cumulative break in reaction to the comment about not being obligated to me or something, I'm not sure, I don't know what I did wrong exactly, but I feel like I was chased out with flaming pitchforks and probably deserved to have been. Wondering if I should be speaking to him at all if I am such a trigger.

Thoughts on where I went wrong? On whether I should be in contact? Am I just a damn monster? Ha, kidding on the last one... .sorta. =/

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[Lifewriter16]

Hi there, FartonmyHeart.



It's nice to meet you.

It can be quite difficult to fathom what sets off a dysregulation in someone with BPD, but if it were my BPDbf in the situation above, I think the boundary you set would have triggered his fears of abandonment and engulfment at the same time. I think my fella would have been thinking: she's going to abandon me unless I allow myself to be controlled (engulfed) by doing what she wants me to do (ie. give up seeing other people). My chap would feel forced into doing something just to prevent me from leaving him and the dysregulation would be from the resulting inner conflict.

Do you think there could be anything like this going on in your situation?

You mention that this is an intractable boundary for you. What would you do if your fella tested this boundary to see if you were serious?

Here's an article you might like to have a look at:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

Lifewriter x

[maxsterling]

Personal opinion here - but I think monogamy is a necessary boundary when in a relationship with a pwBPD. While I think polyamorous or open relationships work for some people, I think it requires all parties to be extremely emotionally stable, otherwise disaster will occur.  pwBPD are extremely emotionally unstable, and their inherent jealousy and abandonment issues are almost guaranteed to destroy any kind of open relationship. 

[Notwendy]

I agree with Max. Considering the issues around jealousy, difficulty regulating emotion, black and white thinking, and dishonesty- I think an open relationship would be difficult. If anything, these need even more communication, honesty and feeling secure - skills that are weak for someone with BPD.

Monogamy can be a boundary and it can also be a deal breaker. Someone has the right to wish for a monogamous relationship and if that is the agreement, to expect it. Someone wanting a monogamous relationship would not be happy with someone who did not want one, and the other person would not likely be happy either if that is what he/she wanted in a relationship.

[maxsterling]

I should also add that in most of society, Monogamous relationships can be expected as the norm.  If someone does not want a monogamous relationship, I think the burden lies upon that person to communicate their wishes with the other partner. 

How many times does it happen where a couple has been in a sexual relationship for a few months, then one partner strays, but justifies this by saying, "I didn't know you wanted a monogamous relationship"?

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, that is quite a volatile situation you have here with your bf.

Let me introduce myself as somebody who was in a monogamous marriage for years, and converted it to polyamorous. While all my romantic relationships have ended (as of today, 'tho I'm still cutting legal/financial ties with my wife), I feel that I'm capable of being in either a poly or monogamous relationship. (And not sure what I'll end up in as I go forward with dating soon.)

So, your question--is setting a monogamy boundary fair/reasonable at this point?

I would say yes, assuming that both you and he have no current (other) relationships. Forcing either of you to break up a relationship with a third party to work on your own issues is way too sticky for me to give an answer on without the whole story there!

And I'm not surprised, or even very concerned that his initial reaction was bad and briefly explosive.

There are times when the truth is very invalidating. Your truth is invalidating his desire to be with and chase other women. Invalidation hurts, and a pwBPD reacts badly at times like that.

We talk a lot about avoiding invalidation on these boards, but what we really mean is avoiding unnecessary invalidation, and changing bad defensive habits we have which are invalidating. Putting a difficult (but important and relevant) truth out there isn't the kind of invalidation we should avoid.

If you do not want to deal with other relationships yourself... .and do not want the fallout from his other relationships coming back at you (as you have previously described), your position is completely valid.

And it is his choice if he is willing to commit to you including monogamy or not. Let him make his own tough choices now.