How to strike a balance between preparing for issues and working yourself up

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  I noticed that a couple of days before my Thanksgiving trip that I was a bit anxious.  I wanted it to go well, I wanted to be ready.  To do that I went through a bunch of "what if" scenarios in my head.  On the one hand it was good to think things through, but, I worked myself up with all the different possibilities.  Once I realized what was happening I was able to put my mind to other things.  Thanksgiving trip went great.  I think my one incident with the TV show and "all men are cheaters" went pretty well as I used boundaries that I have had and enforced for a while.  So, how do you prepare for big events where it is common for BPD issues to come up, without psyching yourself out.  In other words, I don't want the preparation to be worse than the actual trip.                

FF

[formflier]

  I noticed that a couple of days before my Thanksgiving trip that I was a bit anxious.  I wanted it to go well, I wanted to be ready.  To do that I went through a bunch of "what if" scenarios in my head.  On the one hand it was good to think things through, but, I worked myself up with all the different possibilities.  Once I realized what was happening I was able to put my mind to other things.  Thanksgiving trip went great.  I think my one incident with the TV show and "all men are cheaters" went pretty well as I used boundaries that I have had and enforced for a while.  So, how do you prepare for big events where it is common for BPD issues to come up, without psyching yourself out.  In other words, I don't want the preparation to be worse than the actual trip.                

FF

[teapay]

On pending issues I can spent alot of time in preparation on how to bring them up and address them.  It can be tiring and I can also work myself up too.  I feel I do need to prepare, though.  Waiting for the right time.  How to bring up.  Right mind frame.  Figuring out what I want, what I can tolerate, where my boundaries are and how I will act on boundaries or issue consequences.  I try not to get mired in it for too long and rather break these trains of thought up by keeping busy and doing other things.  I also try to be mindful of when I'm starting to dysregulate alittle and distract myself.  I also try to sift the issues and not spend time on minor ones, but rather focus on issues that effect the family as a whole or core of the relationship.  It is a constant challenge and effort.  I'd like to find a way to better systematize it.

[Cole]

I think this is where your military background can come in handy. I prepare by considering all possibilities and even writing down how I should respond to them. This helps me put it into a logical perspective and take the emotion out of the equation. However, we must all be ready to face the unexpected scenarios that out BPDso's can throw at us.   

[formflier]

I think this is where your military background can come in handy. I prepare by considering all possibilities and even writing down how I should respond to them. This helps me put it into a logical perspective and take the emotion out of the equation. However, we must all be ready to face the unexpected scenarios that out BPDso's can throw at us.   

               Cole, I hope your thanksgiving went well, looking forward to an update.  Yeah, this is habitual from military.  You always brief prior to the flight.  There are times when you are better off not focusing too much on the weather report or other things that are bad news.  When you have to go, you have to go.     Somehow need to be able to do this and not get so anxious about it.  Or possibly get to the point where I feel comfortable that I've seen enough curveballs that when she changes things up and pitches me a knuckle-ball instead, I'll be fine with it.                

FF

[teapay]

I did like the planning we did while I was in the military and it does get ingrained in you.  Plans help thinking things through and gathering intell, but often things change pretty quickly after you get into it, so having the ability to think on your feet in the midst of alot of uncertainty and raw emotion is paramount, especially if your an officer or nco, and the one responsible.  I can do this, at least to the extent I can think through the emotion, but I do get emotional inside and it probably shows on the outside.  I definitely know some icemen in the service despite external chaos but I don't know what was going on inside them.

There are alot of aspects of military culture though that don't mesh well with BPD.  Validation isn't necessarily to first tool you grab.  You give commands and expect obedience so their is unity of action so you can solve problems.  If you get stuck with a dud whose not responsive you try to cull those folks out of the unit or wall them off.

[formflier]

   There are alot of aspects of military culture though that don't mesh well with BPD.  Validation isn't necessarily to first tool you grab.  You give commands and expect obedience so their is unity of action so you can solve problems.  If you get stuck with a dud whose not responsive you try to cull those folks out of the unit or wall them off.

               You are telling me.  I was and still am great with praise for a job well done.  I'm also good with giving someone a pat on the back who tried but failed and is struggling to get better.  But someone that "needs" to be validated while projecting responsibility for their actions and feelings onto someone else,    I struggle with validation.   Right now I'm more focused on avoiding invalidation and making sure my wife is "heard".  When a validation target is obvious, I will give it my best shot.  Funny story:  Before I knew about BPD, this site, lessons and all that my wife asked me how I thought she would have gotten along in one of my commands.  Ohh, you guys see this one coming don't you.  I made the erroneous assumption that she wanted an honest answer,    When I told her I would have relieved her of duty a long time ago, well, .whatever you guys can imagine the argument looking like.  I'm sure you won't do it justice.  Did I leave it alone?  Nope.  Then I went on to use that answer to "prove" that I didn't treat her and my family like they were in the military.    Oh, I proved my point alright.         Those were the days,        

FF  

[Cole]

There are alot of aspects of military culture though that don't mesh well with BPD.  Validation isn't necessarily to first tool you grab.  You give commands and expect obedience so their is unity of action so you can solve problems.  If you get stuck with a dud whose not responsive you try to cull those folks out of the unit or wall them off.

You are telling me.  I was and still am great with praise for a job well done.  I'm also good with giving someone a pat on the back who tried but failed and is struggling to get better.

But someone that "needs" to be validated while projecting responsibility for their actions and feelings onto someone else... .

I struggle with validation.   Right now I'm more focused on avoiding invalidation and making sure my wife is "heard".  When a validation target is obvious, I will give it my best shot.

Funny story:  Before I knew about BPD, this site, lessons and all that my wife asked me how I thought she would have gotten along in one of my commands.

Ohh... you guys see this one coming don't you.

I made the erroneous assumption that she wanted an honest answer... .

When I told her I would have relieved her of duty a long time ago, well... .whatever you guys can imagine the argument looking like.  I'm sure you won't do it justice.

Did I leave it alone?  Nope.

Then I went on to use that answer to "prove" that I didn't treat her and my family like they were in the military. 

Oh... .I proved my point alright.       

Those were the days... .

FF

Ouch. That's worse than the Obi Wan "this is not the annoyed you are looking for" comment I made before learning about BPD. Now I don't feel so bad about my previous invalidating reactions.

Back to your original question, I have found it valuable to write down how I plan to handle specific scenarios then memorize and mentally rehearse those responses so they are automatic. Like military or law enforcement training, it provides a predetermined course of action to follow so that the emotion of the moment does not dictate a different (and usually really wrong) reaction. Works well with autistic/ODD son, also. 

[formflier]

  That's worse than the Obi Wan "this is not the annoyed you are looking for" comment I made before learning about BPD.   

               For the record, I will use this line at some point in the next month or two.    For my birthday I got a Star Wars "trivial pursuit" type game.  Family is a bit miffed that I have owned them all each time we have played.  Plus with the next movie coming out soon, Star Wars is discussed a lot in the family.  I'm sure it will go much better for me than it did for you,                

FF

[teapay]

I think my wife would've done well in the military as a four star.  Why serve otherwise?  Very unfair that some people get to be four stars while others can't.  That's down right abusive.

FF, yes there is that kind of validation that goes on ---taking care of soldiers and seamen is a big part of it.  I will use that kind if validation on the wife.  She likes it.  I do like to see her happy. But like a drug she'll start jonesing if it's not there and the pendulum will swing there other way.  The black hole that spawns that need can't be filled.  You can just throw it a bone when it starts getting restless.  It is not really a sharing among two people, but a feeding.

My struggles with validation are mainly with things I dont agree with and that effect me.  Validation doesn't mean you agree with the feelings or thoughts, but it can be implicitly inferred that you agree or are at least neutral (if such state exists with a BPD).  If it doesnt matter to me, I'll validate it.  But if it effects me and I do disagree with it, I can't validate it or I have a hard time validating.  Validating it to head off or not trigger a dysregulation I guess has some value, but it might just be kicking the can down the road and might bite me too.  The distance between some seriously disordered thinking and action can be pretty short with the implusivity found in a BPD like my wife.  In the family context where I'm responsible for most everything the areas where things effect me and I disagree is much.  If it was just me and the wife it would probably be alot less.  For those issues I think it best to just  address despite the all anxieties involved, because it won't get better with age, tjand try to move the ball down the field where I'm more comfortable.  It's never too much fun though.

[unicorn2014]

Funny story:  Before I knew about BPD, this site, lessons and all that my wife asked me how I thought she would have gotten along in one of my commands.

Ohh... you guys see this one coming don't you.

I made the erroneous assumption that she wanted an honest answer... .

When I told her I would have relieved her of duty a long time ago, well... .whatever you guys can imagine the argument looking like.  I'm sure you won't do it justice.

Did I leave it alone?  Nope.

Then I went on to use that answer to "prove" that I didn't treat her and my family like they were in the military. 

Oh... .I proved my point alright.       

Those were the days... .

FF

Lol! That's great FF I got in a pretty stupid argument with my SO today too, so this really hit the spot.

[Cole]

  That's worse than the Obi Wan "this is not the annoyed you are looking for" comment I made before learning about BPD. 

For the record... .I will use this line at some point in the next month or two. 

FF

Does not count unless you use it while Mrs. FF is in full dysreg... .That's what I did with Mrs. Cole. It was funny for all of 2 seconds... .

[formflier]

  Does not count unless you use it while Mrs.              

FF is in full dysreg, That's what I did with Mrs. Cole. It was funny for all of 2 seconds,

               Ahh, said in full dysreg.  Yeah, I'm chicken to do that.  I will certainly use it in response to some snarky comment.                

FF