Help me understand

[Itstopsnow]

I try to remember they are mentally ill, and not to take this personally. They would cheat and lie and manipulate anyone they date or have any relationship with, even family members. But we were so close . I'm sure you guys felt the same way. I guess what hurts the most is the double life. Him having a second relationship all summer long! I'm sure he hooked up here and there but the fact he formed an emotional bond with her and it didn't bother him really hurts!  How was he able to come to me and be loving and affectionate. We had our little intimate moments and personal memories. We would laugh daily and go everywhere together. How do they do that with two people? Without feeling some sort of obligation or loyalty to neither! I did so much to help him. He was a waif. And looks like she was starting to as well. It makes me furious! That they seem to lack a conscience . They wrong right from wrong. And I don't give that much credence to the engulfment and abandonment . They are simply so selfish . I hope Karma comes back around . I wish i could see that

[Itstopsnow]

I meant they know right from wrong . They lack of regard for us is so troubling

[ArleighBurke]

It must be painful - to have things so one sided. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I don't know that we can understand. And although i don't think you really are wanting to be malicious, karma does come back around - they will burn every relationship until they are alone.

[Lonely_Astro]

I can empathize (unlike most BPDs can!) with you about what you're going through.  For the past year, I've been wrapped up in a r/s with a diagnosed BPD (Jane).  I'm pretty sure that you and I have talked on other post about what I've been through with her over a second r/s (we had a brief one 4 years ago, was NC for 3 years, and started a new r/s last year).  This past r/s has been even more closer and more "real" than it was 4 years ago, until it wasn't.

Sure, I've seen things over the course of this year that has made me wonder.  I was under her spell and dismissed them because I didn't want to see the truth.  Now, the r/s has ended and as the FOG lifts, I see more and more of what it really was.  Not all of it was a lie, but most of it was.  Does that make it easier?  No.  The whole year was real to me... .that's the pain you're feeling now (at least, in my opinion).  When the r/s tumbles down, it hurts.  You had a real person (to you) in your life.  You have to grieve.  The pain will ease in time... .but only time will make it less painful.

Mine, too, is a waif.  She's very cunning and can convince you it's raining outside when it's sunny.  It's all an illusion.  The fate you suffered will be the fate of all they encounter.  Mine has started DBT and at first I was willing to ride it out to see if she got better.  Guess what?  She hasn't.  While she still has a long way to go, I don't see it helping her very much (if at all) because she isn't willing to put in the work. 

Karma does come around.  In time.

[hashtag_loyal]

I try to remember they are mentally ill, and not to take this personally.

This is good, and a sign of your compassion and emotional maturity.

How was he able to come to me and be loving and affectionate. We had our little intimate moments and personal memories. We would laugh daily and go everywhere together. How do they do that with two people?

How? They compartmentalize their feelings. Their whole disorder is about doing everything they can to avoid feeling their emotions, so your BPDex was very good about putting his feelings for you away when he was with the OW, and vice versa. The lack of object constancy probably helps as well.

It makes me furious! That they seem to lack a conscience .

Most pwBPD do have a conscience, but it certainly doesn't look that way from our perspective. They compartmentalize those feelings too, kicking the shame can as far down the road as possible. However, just like if you have student loans that are in forbearance, the fact that you aren't currently making payments doesn't mean that the loan isn't there.

PwBPD often manage their conscience by feeling shame, rather than by seeking restitution like an emotionally healthy person would. I wrote a much longer explanation here, based on my own past experience being stuck in the cycle of shame: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286440.msg12699693#msg12699693

And I don't give that much credence to the engulfment and abandonment . They are simply so selfish .

I completely agree with you on this one. I am sorry you had the experience you had, and I can certainly feel your pain. I was most definitely blindsided by the lies and the serial cheating from my ex. Despite all the sympathy I have for pwBPD, I do hold them accountable for their actions. They do know right from wrong. I am so sorry they are feeling so much pain, but imo no amount of pain can justify hurting others, especially hurting them so severely.

I hope Karma comes back around . I wish i could see that

They may run from the guilt and shame for a while, but eventually all the shame debt catches up with them. When they are truly alone (and all of them will be from time-to-time, even the best of monkey-branchers), they will finally be unable to escape the memories and feelings of the horrible things they have done. They'll split themselves black and once again feel the anguish of unrelenting self-hatred. This is the time they self-harm or turn to whatever addition is available -- anything -- to try to distract from the pain once more.

If you wish to see that, so be it, but I would prefer to think about happier things.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you so much Hashtag_joy! Your explanations brought me some calm and soothing relief from my anguish . I was feeling ok this afternoon but now such bitterness fills me! I never hated anyone in my life. And I don't want to hate him! I really don't. I did so many wonderful things for him. Spent so much time and tons of my money on him. I feel so foolish and now he hates me! Even though I'm trying not to hate him, he is hating me, spewing lies, and chasing the OW. It is such a horrible feeling. I just want to be indifferent and actually get to a point where I can pray for him. I really hope for that someday . Because obviously I never knew him

[butterfly15]

I try to remember they are mentally ill, and not to take this personally. They would cheat and lie and manipulate anyone they date or have any relationship with, even family members. But we were so close . I'm sure you guys felt the same way. I guess what hurts the most is the double life. Him having a second relationship all summer long! I'm sure he hooked up here and there but the fact he formed an emotional bond with her and it didn't bother him really hurts!  How was he able to come to me and be loving and affectionate. We had our little intimate moments

i feel the same. I let him move in with me unknown to me that he was seeing someone else for several months before and after. While coming to me every night being intimate and laying beside me. That makes me ill. Knowing what I know now and didn't then. It's awful!

[hashtag_loyal]

Thank you so much Hashtag_joy! Your explanations brought me some calm and soothing relief from my anguish .

You're welcome. Glad I could help. 

I never hated anyone in my life. And I don't want to hate him! I really don't.

This is good. Hatred is not healthy for any of us, but anger is ok. Whether through malice or just selfish negligence, he hurt you severely, and he didn't have to. It is perfectly natural and healthy for you to be angry with how he treated you.

I just want to be indifferent and actually get to a point where I can pray for him. I really hope for that someday . Because obviously I never knew him

This will come in time, but don't try to rush it. Be mindful of how you feel, and don't try to do too much too soon. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to pray for yourself as well.

[AVR1962]

That's the hard part with BPDs, they will treat you like you are a prize, you get so incredibly close and you think that you could never love someone as much as you love this person as they have been real and open, they are affectionate and then one day they toss you to the ind and start telling everyone what a terrible person you are and how awful you treated them. You stuck wondering what in the world happened. It was never about you and with time you will get that, they are ill like you mentioned. What you see them acting out is about them, how their brain is wired. It is about them and always being #1. They tire of what we consider comfort. They are extremely needy and there is nothing you can do to quench their thirst.