To what degree is it all about the "Chase"?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

One of the reflections I have been thinking over is that my ex seemed to be more into "wanting" than "having".  In retrospect, I would characterize it as a romantic sense of going after a dream and once getting to it not really wanting it or being indifferent to the outcome and shortly thereafter moving on to the next thought of what was "wanted".

I had even said to her one time that she seemed to enjoy wanting more than having to which she told me why that was wrong and how I exhibited that behavior.

I am wondering if others had a similar experience, and if so, can shine a light on what characteristic helps to explain this mindset.

[joeramabeme]

One of the reflections I have been thinking over is that my ex seemed to be more into "wanting" than "having".  In retrospect, I would characterize it as a romantic sense of going after a dream and once getting to it not really wanting it or being indifferent to the outcome and shortly thereafter moving on to the next thought of what was "wanted".

I had even said to her one time that she seemed to enjoy wanting more than having to which she told me why that was wrong and how I exhibited that behavior.

I am wondering if others had a similar experience, and if so, can shine a light on what characteristic helps to explain this mindset.

[hopealways]

It is about the chase for them, once the chase is over, the idealization phase if usually over as well.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ask yourself, what is a borderline chasing?

A borderline never successfully detached from their mother to become an autonomous individual, someone with a 'self' of their own, so they perpetually try and attach to someone to recreate that first bond with their mother, the perfect one where the two of them were one person as far as the borderline was concerned.  That failure to detach is what created the disorder to begin with.

So the 'chase' is the desire for that perfect attachment.  The problem is there is no such thing, it's a fantasy, and the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment show up for the borderline in a real-world relationship, never satisfactory, never reaching the goal.

Think about that: perpetually chasing a fantasy that is unobtainable, because it's a fantasy and the borderline doesn't know it, and perpetually being disappointed, beyond disappointed, a borderline can feel like they literally don't exist without that attachment.  Wouldn't that suck?  Yes, it would suck, and the emotions that come up around that manifest as the behaviors we're all familiar with, behaviors we can walk away from, leaving borderlines with emotions they can never soothe.  Sad that, but there comes a time where our need for self preservation kicks in and taking care of ourselves has to become job one, and then with time and distance we can even develop compassion for the borderline and the tough road they walk.

[butterfly15]

Ask yourself, what is a borderline chasing?

A borderline never successfully detached from their mother to become an autonomous individual, someone with a 'self' of their own, so they perpetually try and attach to someone to recreate that first bond with their mother, the perfect one where the two of them were one person as far as the borderline was concerned.  That failure to detach is what created the disorder to begin with.

So the 'chase' is the desire for that perfect attachment.  The problem is there is no such thing, it's a fantasy, and the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment show up for the borderline in a real-world relationship, never satisfactory, never reaching the goal.

Think about that: perpetually chasing a fantasy that is unobtainable, because it's a fantasy and the borderline doesn't know it, and perpetually being disappointed, beyond disappointed, a borderline can feel like they literally don't exist without that attachment.  Wouldn't that suck?  Yes, it would suck, and the emotions that come up around that manifest as the behaviors we're all familiar with, behaviors we can walk away from, leaving borderlines with emotions they can never soothe.  Sad that, but there comes a time where our need for self preservation kicks in and taking care of ourselves has to become job one, and then with time and distance we can even develop compassion for the borderline and the tough road they walk.

This was a great summary. Thank you!

[joeramabeme]

Thank you H2H, don't know if you have been taking a break or posting elsewhere or if I just haven't been in tune but it's always good to read your posts.

[apollotech]

I am not so sure that it is about the chase itself, but rather engulfment setting in once the desired person has been caught (idealization ends). Of course, FHTH made a good point about the pwBPD discovering that the bonding candidate was/is indeed not perfect after having been caught, therefore, in BPD thinking, unsuitable for a relationship (again, idealization ends).