December 2, 2015: The End of The Road

[Depression = 72% of members]

For those that have helped me along the way, I wanted to post this here to partially put it into words and the other as a place to catalogue what is about to transpire.  For the past several weeks I have been LC with my pwBPD (J).  I have decided that staying LC has become unhealthy for me and will not allow me to heal and move on, so I have set a "hard date" to go full NC.  I have been toying with when I was going to be ready to do this and what took place today set those final wheels into motion.

J and I were extremely LC over the holiday period.  When we did speak, it was a brief exchange of text, with the exception of friday when she called me (we talked on the phone for about 10 mins).  It was more about shopping as it was Black Friday.  I was meeting a friend for lunch (an academic colleague of mine who Jane knows, who happens to be female, but it's purely platonic).  I told J I was meeting her during the conversation, which almost immediately made J get off the phone with me.  Jane and I didn't speak the rest of the day.  Saturday I reached out to her late in the evening and we had a 30 minute exchange (where she went silent on me).  I did not speak to her at all on Sunday.  That brings me to today.  I had debated whether or not I was going to have any contact with her today, but curiosity got the better of me and I went into her department to say hello this morning.  What happened next was the final nail in the coffin (I had planned to exit anyway, but this made me resolute in my decision to go now rather than later).  So what happened?  Glad you asked.

She proceeded to tell me about how her ex (Nick - a guy of much contention with me as J was sleeping with him 4 years ago when she was with me and also I have suspected she is still seeing from time to time as well as cheated on her "soon to be" ex-husband M with as well - so Nick is like bad Chinese food, he keeps popping back up) had his car stolen Black Friday and it was burnt to the ground, as she put it.  No, hey sorry about not talking to you yesterday or anything.  Straight into a story about Nick.  I looked at her and point blank told her I was done talking to her.  I told her that I wasn't going to be involved with her anymore and outlined (very quickly) the reasons for my decision and that I wished her the best of luck.  I told her that I would listen to any retorts that she wished to give, but starting Wednesday that I would be out of contact with her indefinitely.  She, of course, responded with a tantrum.  I simply walked away.  

To say I was flabbergasted that she would even mention Nick to me was an understatement.  She knows how painful of an issue to me it is, which I pointed out, and she blankly looked at me like she didn't understand.  I get it, she has no empathy, and what she did to me with him is no big deal to her.  But, in that moment, I saw the monster that truly is inside her.  Her "reason" for telling me was because she claims several co-workers had text/called her wanting to know details even though she claims to not be in touch with him (I feel thats a lie), but she didn't want me to be surprised if I was near her and someone asked her about it (damage control).  Anyway, the past couple of months of abuse came rising to the surface and I simply realized that I couldn't contain it anymore, I had to go; it was time.

Later, she was acting as if nothing had happened.  She later said to me that she wanted to meet me outside of work to talk (though she made it clear that we were not going to argue - as she put it she "wasn't ever going to argue with me" again).  I set a hardline time for tomorrow.  I fully suspect that she will not show, as she has set times to talk to me before and then didn't.  At this point, I'm not even sure if I want to meet her myself.  I mean, what could she really say to me?  I am planning to meet her in a public place to prevent any accusations from occurring (though I doubt any would come, I would just feel safer by doing so).  I am interested in hearing her out, but the end result is when dawn breaks on December 2, our "relationship" will be fully over and it will be time for me to move on, fully move on.  I cannot take the pain of her past (and I feel, current) sins to weigh me down anymore.  I gave up a lot for her this year and it didn't matter.  In the end, I didn't matter.  I want to look her in the eye and tell her to F off, but I know it wouldn't accomplish anything.  I guess talking about meeting her is moot, as I suspect all my wandering and practice conversations won't come to pass anyway.  

Thanks for listening, all.  Please feel free to offer advice for the meeting (just in case) or just thoughts on the matter in general.  I need to talk about it all and let it out somewhere.

[Lonely_Astro]

For those that have helped me along the way, I wanted to post this here to partially put it into words and the other as a place to catalogue what is about to transpire.  For the past several weeks I have been LC with my pwBPD (J).  I have decided that staying LC has become unhealthy for me and will not allow me to heal and move on, so I have set a "hard date" to go full NC.  I have been toying with when I was going to be ready to do this and what took place today set those final wheels into motion.

J and I were extremely LC over the holiday period.  When we did speak, it was a brief exchange of text, with the exception of friday when she called me (we talked on the phone for about 10 mins).  It was more about shopping as it was Black Friday.  I was meeting a friend for lunch (an academic colleague of mine who Jane knows, who happens to be female, but it's purely platonic).  I told J I was meeting her during the conversation, which almost immediately made J get off the phone with me.  Jane and I didn't speak the rest of the day.  Saturday I reached out to her late in the evening and we had a 30 minute exchange (where she went silent on me).  I did not speak to her at all on Sunday.  That brings me to today.  I had debated whether or not I was going to have any contact with her today, but curiosity got the better of me and I went into her department to say hello this morning.  What happened next was the final nail in the coffin (I had planned to exit anyway, but this made me resolute in my decision to go now rather than later).  So what happened?  Glad you asked.

She proceeded to tell me about how her ex (Nick - a guy of much contention with me as J was sleeping with him 4 years ago when she was with me and also I have suspected she is still seeing from time to time as well as cheated on her "soon to be" ex-husband M with as well - so Nick is like bad Chinese food, he keeps popping back up) had his car stolen Black Friday and it was burnt to the ground, as she put it.  No, hey sorry about not talking to you yesterday or anything.  Straight into a story about Nick.  I looked at her and point blank told her I was done talking to her.  I told her that I wasn't going to be involved with her anymore and outlined (very quickly) the reasons for my decision and that I wished her the best of luck.  I told her that I would listen to any retorts that she wished to give, but starting Wednesday that I would be out of contact with her indefinitely.  She, of course, responded with a tantrum.  I simply walked away.  

To say I was flabbergasted that she would even mention Nick to me was an understatement.  She knows how painful of an issue to me it is, which I pointed out, and she blankly looked at me like she didn't understand.  I get it, she has no empathy, and what she did to me with him is no big deal to her.  But, in that moment, I saw the monster that truly is inside her.  Her "reason" for telling me was because she claims several co-workers had text/called her wanting to know details even though she claims to not be in touch with him (I feel thats a lie), but she didn't want me to be surprised if I was near her and someone asked her about it (damage control).  Anyway, the past couple of months of abuse came rising to the surface and I simply realized that I couldn't contain it anymore, I had to go; it was time.

Later, she was acting as if nothing had happened.  She later said to me that she wanted to meet me outside of work to talk (though she made it clear that we were not going to argue - as she put it she "wasn't ever going to argue with me" again).  I set a hardline time for tomorrow.  I fully suspect that she will not show, as she has set times to talk to me before and then didn't.  At this point, I'm not even sure if I want to meet her myself.  I mean, what could she really say to me?  I am planning to meet her in a public place to prevent any accusations from occurring (though I doubt any would come, I would just feel safer by doing so).  I am interested in hearing her out, but the end result is when dawn breaks on December 2, our "relationship" will be fully over and it will be time for me to move on, fully move on.  I cannot take the pain of her past (and I feel, current) sins to weigh me down anymore.  I gave up a lot for her this year and it didn't matter.  In the end, I didn't matter.  I want to look her in the eye and tell her to F off, but I know it wouldn't accomplish anything.  I guess talking about meeting her is moot, as I suspect all my wandering and practice conversations won't come to pass anyway.  

Thanks for listening, all.  Please feel free to offer advice for the meeting (just in case) or just thoughts on the matter in general.  I need to talk about it all and let it out somewhere.

[wakingfirst]

Hi Lonely_Astro, just to say I get it - have also recently had my friend/ex w BPD do something to me that I couldn't make an excuse for, understand or forgive.  Believe me, I tried.  It seems like sometimes you just have a moment when you see the person, really see their lack of empathy for anyone but themselves.  And something inside you just dies, and that's it.  I have to believe that, for us both, its for the best.  But it's really hard. Best of luck, look after yourself.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi Lonely_Astro, just to say I get it - have also recently had my friend/ex w BPD do something to me that I couldn't make an excuse for, understand or forgive.  Believe me, I tried.  It seems like sometimes you just have a moment when you see the person, really see their lack of empathy for anyone but themselves.  And something inside you just dies, and that's it.  I have to believe that, for us both, its for the best.  But it's really hard. Best of luck, look after yourself.

Thank you, Wakingfirst.  There have been oddities pop of over the course of this year that I chose to ignore.  I certainly took a leap of faith with her and it bit me (again).  When she said she was going to start DBT and "get better", I was determined to stick it out with her and finally get the life that we talked about together.  As it turns out, I won't be around to see that side of her (personal life).  I don't expect her to quit working (though I wish she would) with me, so I have to see her at work and keep it professional.  I know it's going to be tough because she'll flaunt her new relationship(s) soon enough.  The sad part for me is that I do love her (and a part of me always will).  I guess the saying is true:  showing strength is hanging on, so is letting go.

I wish she had been who she claimed to have been.  Maybe, for a brief moment in time, she was.  Now, there is nothing more than the monster she always was afraid she was.  Maybe one day she'll find that happiness and have that life that we talked about.  Part of me is sad that it won't be that life with me, the other part of me understands that life she so desperately wants, needs, and deserves really will never be.  Still, that doesn't make it any easier for me.

I'm still uncertain that I want to meet her tomorrow night.  As I said, I'm 99.9% certain that she won't show.  But, what if she does?  What do I say to her?  Do I just listen and then leave without any further interaction?  Do I say "I hear you," then leave?  Do I tell her how I really feel and that all of her behavior has led to me walking away?  On the other hand, if she doesn't show (the most likely scenario), I feel I will disappointed.  I want to be validated and I want to be acknowledged in some way (whether she loves me or hates me in the end isn't what's important to me, saying my goodbye is).  Over the past month (a bit longer, really), I have been preparing myself for this.  Now that I have drawn a line in the sand for myself, I am anxious.  I'm not questioning my decision.  Staying isn't an option (nor do I want to).  I had hoped to ease out of her life, not vacuum.  But, for my own peace of mind, I feel a vacuum is the only way (if I were to "stay", I feel that I would always be the monkey branch... .her doormat). 

It feels like the right and wrong way to exit at the same time.

[C.Stein]

Ask yourself the same question I asked my ex.  How many times do I have to stick my hand in the fire before there is nothing left to burn?

I've always been a person that believes direct honesty is the best policy.  There is no need to get nasty or mean ... .check your anger at the door.  I know it is easier said then done.  Think about what you need to say and don't leave anything unsaid.  I regret not saying some things the last time I saw my ex ... .now I will never get the chance.  

It is important if she needs to talk that you listen ... .but it is equally important that she listen when you talk.  Listen to each other without interruption.  When there is nothing left to say ... .then say goodbye.

[Lonely_Astro]

Ask yourself the same question I asked my ex.  How many times do I have to stick my hand in the fire before there is nothing left to burn?

I've always been a person that believes direct honesty is the best policy.  There is no need to get nasty or mean ... .check your anger at the door.  I know it is easier said then done.  Think about what you need to say and don't leave anything unsaid.  I regret not saying some things the last time I saw my ex ... .now I will never get the chance. 

It is important if she needs to talk that you listen ... .but it is equally important that she listen when you talk.  Listen to each other without interruption.  When there is nothing left to say ... .then say goodbye.

Well said. I plan to be as Zen about this as I can. When we were setting the day and time, I told her that I planned to have her speak first so that I could listen, then I would reply with what I needed to say. I am willing to take however much time it takes so that we both feel a sense of closure. But, of course, I don't truly feel like I'll get that because she'll bail (either she'll go Red October silent on me or she'll tell me she's to scared) on the meeting because I have became her accuser at this point (even though any allegation I could make would be rooted in hard facts, which is irrelevant to her).

I have spent much of my day arguing with her in my head. Talking about the truths and failures of the relationship. The hard realities. If the meeting takes place, I will let her go first because if I release everything I'm holding, anger or not, shes not going to listen. She fully believes that I'm being childish and should be grateful for the attention she gives me. She's really back and forth on the NPD side of things.

Anyway, she laid the groundwork for her escape of the meeting by saying she was going to be at the funeral home because her uncle just died (which in the past year she's had no less than 12 relatives die - I'm not exaggerating because she's always going to a funeral home) and she's going to be there tomorrow night before our meeting. So, I fully expect her to skip out on our meeting.

[C.Stein]

Don't make all about the failures and disappointments.  There were some good aspects of the relationship (other than the sex) that you liked.  Don't forget those, it will help you release her with grace and honor.

[wakingfirst]

That's beautifully put, C. Stein.  Good advice.

As you know, Lonely Astro, you may well have to supply your own closure on this.  It sounds like your head is in a good place - I'm wishing you strength and peace, during the conversation and after.

[Lonely_Astro]

That's beautifully put, C. Stein.  Good advice.

As you know, Lonely Astro, you may well have to supply your own closure on this.  It sounds like your head is in a good place - I'm wishing you strength and peace, during the conversation and after.

My plan, if the meeting takes place (I doubt it) is to focus heavily on the good aspects of the r/s but not avoid the not so good aspects. I'm going to address the 'official' end of the r/s as just two different people with two different life goals. I want to make the break as clean as possible and hopefully I can keep my head clear during the meeting.

I fully expect I'll have to bring my own closure to this, as I suspect she'll avoid me all day. This morning at work I said good morning to her and she gave me 'the look' and turned her back to me (her ultimate at work sign of ignoring you). So, I am now 99.9999% sure the meeting won't happen. In the end, I'll end up saying all my allegations and suspicions were 100% correct and she's mad I'm calling her on them. It hurts to feel that they all were true, but what other conclusion can I reach at this point?

[patientandclear]

Bear in mind that for pwBPD, facing a recitation of their failures is like walking on hot coals. It's an assignment few can or would take on. The communications tools on Staying don't involve a straight on dump of how we feel ... .Validation and SET and other approaches sometimes allow for the pwBPD to hear what otherwise would just feel like a complete indictment of their value as a person.

If she can't handle this meeting, I would not take that as an indication that she doesn't care.

I should say that I have been guilty of forgetting that the slightest hint of criticism is like an acid bath to my pwBPD. I sometimes expect him to be someone he isn't, and that rarely results in an exchange I am happy with after the fact.

Also, I find that venting and expressing well-founded anger and resentment directly to them is something that feels like a good idea at the time, but later, can prompt regret. In the event that this is truly the last word, I'd suggest making it kind -- for your own sake.

[Lonely_Astro]

Bear in mind that for pwBPD, facing a recitation of their failures is like walking on hot coals. It's an assignment few can or would take on. The communications tools on Staying don't involve a straight on dump of how we feel ... .Validation and SET and other approaches sometimes allow for the pwBPD to hear what otherwise would just feel like a complete indictment of their value as a person.

If she can't handle this meeting, I would not take that as an indication that she doesn't care.

I should say that I have been guilty of forgetting that the slightest hint of criticism is like an acid bath to my pwBPD. I sometimes expect him to be someone he isn't, and that rarely results in an exchange I am happy with after the fact.

Also, I find that venting and expressing well-founded anger and resentment directly to them is something that feels like a good idea at the time, but later, can prompt regret. In the event that this is truly the last word, I'd suggest making it kind -- for your own sake.

My pwBPD is very self aware. With that said, I don't plan to focus on bad things or belittle her in any way. I plan to seek validation for certain things. I also plan to be kind, as she already feels (unjustifiably so) that I hate her. Or at least I'm pretty sure she feels that way from something she said yesterday. As I said earlier, I plan to seek closure to a r/s that just wasn't going to work. We are just two totally different people with two totally different goals. I can't be what she needs me to be and she can't be what I need her to be. I want an amicable outcome to this. I believe it is possible because of her self awareness.

Surprisingly she has told me we are still meeting (after she made a somewhat snide comment about how she had "had a rough day and night, not that I care" and has agreed to a place. She did make it clear to me that she would leave the meeting if any "screaming, cussing, or arguing" begins. I'm not exactly sure where that came from, as I have neither ever screamed nor cussed at her. We have argued, of course, so I'm not sure how the meeting will go. I'm still certain that when the time comes she won't show, but maybe she will.

Anyway, I plan to make it as positive as possible, without avoiding the negatives, so that two adults can move on from a r/s that wasn't going to work... .no matter how great the fantasy of it all was.  But, I would be remiss if I didn't say that I want the meeting more for my own sense of meaning and closure than for her.

[Anez]

You're a good man, Astro. Wishing you the best with this.

[Lonely_Astro]

You're a good man, Astro. Wishing you the best with this.

Thank you, Anez. 

As of right now I am T-a few hours until the scheduled meeting time.  I have very little contact with her today, but she did confirm that she would be meeting me at the appointed time.  Of course, I have been down this road before with her, so we'll see if she actually appears at the time/place (if I were a betting man, I'm going to say that she won't). 

We were able to briefly talk some on a personal level today at work and if she doesn't show, that will be my closure.  She is holding firm that she hasn't replaced me and that I have falsely accused her of an ongoing relationship with N.  She said she couldn't tell me why she pushed me away or that she felt she did so to protect me.  But, the stark truth is that she is having (and has been having) some sort of r/s with N over the course of this year and before that as well (N is the supposed reason she is getting a divorce from M because M accused her of cheating with N before they were married and never got over it, according to her.  The more likely truth is that she was sleeping with N and M found out about it, which started up the separation/divorce which is where I come back into the story).  There literally isn't anything she can say to me to make me believe her.  I have already found her guilty in my mind. 

But, this meeting isn't about her.  It's about me.  I am not going to accost her.  I am going to thank her for the time she gave me and the love that I did feel (no matter how "real" it was in reality, I know it was real to her) during our time together but that it is also time to face the future in separate directions.  My trust in her is completely gone and as we all know that's something not easily won back by even the most balanced of people, let alone someone with BPD.  She deserves to be happy, just as I do, but she must find that with someone that doesn't have all the water under the bridge that we have.  Maybe it is true that I mean a lot to her.  Maybe it's not.  She meant (and still does) a lot to me.  That's why I'm sad, I've lost her and I know there's no going back. 

What's there to go back to, in reality?

[Anez]

I know how you feel. I still care about about my ex and wish we could have a normal relationship. It hurts deep. But time will help and we all deserve to find someone who can be an adult relationship and give us exactly what we need while we give them what they need in return.

it will happen. This is the first step to reaching that goal.

[Lonely_Astro]

I know how you feel. I still care about about my ex and wish we could have a normal relationship. It hurts deep. But time will help and we all deserve to find someone who can be an adult relationship and give us exactly what we need while we give them what they need in return.

it will happen. This is the first step to reaching that goal.

Yes, time will heal the wound.  I had hoped for a better outcome this go around, she seemed so much better. But, reality finally caught up to the fantasy. She has contacted me and told me that "it may be later" than the appointed time because she hasn't went to the funeral home yet. So, the game has started. I expect her to go silent from this point and I'm not reaching out. She won't know that tonight was the last ride of Butch and Sundance. As dawn breaks tomorrow, I'll start truly day 1 of NC besides work related things (simply because I can't get around it).

[Anez]

It definitely sucks and hurts, Astro. We deserve better than this and we will get it eventually. Just go with your emotions and be ok with it and do good things for yourself.

It also sucks that we have to see them at work. That is really hard. But see her whole picture and keep reminding yourself of it and you'll get through it. Easier said than done, believe me I know.

[Lonely_Astro]

It definitely sucks and hurts, Astro. We deserve better than this and we will get it eventually. Just go with your emotions and be ok with it and do good things for yourself.

It also sucks that we have to see them at work. That is really hard. But see her whole picture and keep reminding yourself of it and you'll get through it. Easier said than done, believe me I know.

Yes, it hurts like crazy. For me, it's my second time around. This time is worse because we were way closer.

Side note: she is meeting me but when she called to tell me she was, she was extremely agitated. It should get interesting... .

[C.Stein]

Side note: she is meeting me but when she called to tell me she was, she was extremely agitated. It should get interesting... .

She is agitated because she probably knows what is coming.

[Lonely_Astro]

I am not one to leave people in suspense, so here goes what happened... .

She actually showed up and she was extremely agitated.  At first I just sat and listened.  She actually unloaded quite a bit of slights that I had done over the course of several months (things I hadn't even noticed or thought about, such as joking with her in a certain way).  She also addressed my accusation that she had been having a r/s with N and flat out denied it.  She said she understood why I would think/feel that way, but that it simply wasn't true.  I listened to everything she had to say and responded the best way that I could.

I talked about how the past year had been for me, mostly in a positive way, but did address the negative things just as I said that I would.  There wasn't any arguing actually.  She doodled most of the time (something she said helps her talk freely) during the talk, which I didn't mind.  We both admitted that we each expected the other person to be something they weren't.  We also talked about our feelings about each other.  It was a bit bizarre because she seemed very lucid.  It was hard to not want to get sucked back into the chaos and attempt to keep going.  We talked very candidly, like we used to.  She did hold fast in her statements that she had not replaced me or had been (or currently is) seeing anyone.  Maybe its true, maybe its not, I'm simply not sure.  I feel grief right now.  She told me that she wanted me to stay in her life, as a friend if nothing else, and I told her that I felt I couldn't do that.  A lot was said during the few hours I spent with her.

We hugged at the end.  I had to fight back a ton of tears at that moment.  Every fiber of my being wanted to collapse onto itself.  I had tried to prepare myself mentally the best that I could for what was about to happen, but all the mental prep counts for nothing when it really happens.  For that split second in time, she was who I remembered her to be.  I feel better for talking to her and I also feel worse. 

After she left, I went to clean up her doodles and found a note that she had written to me.  It said "I'm truly sorry!  I will always be here," with a heart drawn next to it.  It broke my heart all over again to read it. 

[Grey Kitty]

It is heartbreaking at the end. Doesn't matter how much you did wrong. Doesn't matter how much she did wrong. The heartbreak doesn't change.

You know there isn't a chance of something healthy with her now.

Perhaps someday you will be able to be a friend to her. She is likely to try boundary busting behavior then too, but you may find the strength for that after you heal and recover. For now, distance will keep you safer.

Meanwhile... .you are responsible for finding your own closure. You cannot trust her to do it. Sounds like this last conversation had more/better closure than many get with BPD. My wife did give me very clear closure last Feb/March. Better than most anybody on these boards get. Then by August, she was kinda backing away from that and throwing ambiguous things about not being sure she wanted to split back at me. Go figure.

[C.Stein]

I am both happy and sad for you LA.  I know exactly how you are feeling, to remember and see that person you love so dearly, even if it is fleeting.  

I am happy for you that you got some closure and that she at least had the decency and caring to apologize to you.   You got far more than I ever got or ever will get.  You have at least got some measure of peace from this I hope.

[wakingfirst]

Lonely Astro, I'm so moved by your story.  In my book, you're a hero, because you did something that is incredibly hard to do - you kept your heart open.  I can well imagine how you are feeling now, but I hope among other things you are feeling proud of yourself.  One of the most useful things someone said to me recently was, allow yourself to grieve.  It is worth grieving over the end of any relationship, the end of any love.  Let yourself feel that.  Don't get lost in it, but allow for it, and actively care for yourself.  Think about what you need now and then give it to yourself.  Well done, you.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you all for your support during this difficult time for me.  I am headed into the office soon and I am extremely nervous.  I'm not sure if she will be at work today (her relative's funeral is today and she said she was going).  If she isn't, I will feel some relief as the 'day off' will allow me some time and distance.  If she is working today, I am nervous about how any interactions will take place.  I can't ignore her, obviously, at work.  My department works closer to hers now on projects and I know I will be with her at some point (unavoidable).

Anyway, if she tries to engage me about personal things I plan to politely (as possible with a BPD) sidestep.  Its a precarious spot to be in.  I don't want to deny her any sense of closure she may want but I also don't want her to believe that we are still in the 'grey area' of a relationship.  I mean during our conversation last night that sort of bounced back and forth in terms of that she admitted that I needed to be happy and I deserved better than her to that she didn't want to lose me to that she couldn't stand the idea of me moving on without her.  That is only one part of what we discussed during the conversation.

The strange part about it all was that she was very lucid.  She told me that our conversation was the complete opposite of how she had imagined it going (which is why she avoided me and was agitated when she arrived).  I want to thank you all for that, because up until I had talked about it here, I wasn't sure how I was going to do it.  I kept thinking about what Skip had said in another post about not breaking any plates, as it would serve no real purpose to do so.  He was right.  She may not remember the good times and focus only on the bad times, but at some point when she is in a better place (hopefully DBT will work for her to some level), she will see that it wasn't all bad.

She told me that the break down happened because everything came crashing down on her at once (her mom continues to belittle her - which she admitted that she doesnt know why she seeks so much approval from her when she knows she'll never get it -, her grandmother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, the divorce proceedings with M happened - I was there when she was served -, and we fell apart - though the reality to that is we did because she pushed me away).  I can see how all that around the same time would overwhelm anyone.  I also lost sight that she is mentally ill.  

I'd like to go on more, but I have to leave for the office.  Thank you all again and I hope the discussion continues.  

[Anez]

Hope you're hanging in there, astro. Do something good for yourself today.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hope you're hanging in there, astro. Do something good for yourself today.

Thanks, Anez.  She was at work today and we had pleasant interactions there.  The first thing that she did when she saw me was smile and wave and I waved back.  Other times that we were interacting was work related.  There was some personal interaction, but it was very minimal (and not deeply emotional based).  So far, it has been as pleasant as an ending as I could get.  She has, from what I can see, began the search for my replacement though.  I overheard a speaker phone conversation between her and my supervisor's boss (so, I guess my boss too?) where she and him were being rather flirtatious (he has hit on her before).  I don't expect it will be long that they will be dating (if it hasn't started already), as I am very familiar with her "flirty" tone.

I have to admit that it was painful to hear the call (though me overhearing it wasn't an intentional thing, so I don't believe there was any malice to it, she simply didn't know he was on speaker with her.  It was a personal call and the way she spoke to him hinted to me that they have had personal interaction before, if that makes sense).  To simply hear her giggling with him as if she had not a care in the world.  I sometimes envy her lack of true empathy.  While I knew she would eventually move on (as I will, too), I hadn't fully steeled myself for it to be so quick, but I guess it hasn't really been that quick (as we are 3 months into the discard, in reality).  Maybe I am overanalyzing the exchange between the two of them, but I don't think so judging by what I overheard (I believe its a fledging r/s, still early, but will take place- if it hasn't started already - if I were a betting man).  I certainly think she is on the prowl again since she has lost me and her divorce will be finalized (according to what she said) next week.  It's difficult for me because logically I know that I am dodging a bullet in the long run, but emotionally I am hurt by how quickly it seems I was forgotten (a mental trap we commonly find ourselves in when the BPD r/s fails).

But, I don't think he will be at all prepared for the **** storm of a ride he's in for.  I also don't think he'll put up with it (as I do know him somewhat personally and he'll get what he can "get" and be done with her).  I guess time will tell how all that really plays out.  In my head, she'll magically get better (or at least managed) and he (or whoever) will get all that I know she can be and have the perfect life with her.  I know it's just fantasy, but for some reason as I type this it seems so much of a real possibility.  I mean, what if it was me that made her backslide some?  She seemed so grounded and lucid when all this started up.  I logically know that's not the case, but I still can't help but wonder.

The other side of the coin says that she won't get 'better', that she'll always be empty and it will become worse (even with DBT) as time goes on.  I mean there are so many life events left for her to set her off: pregnancy/kids/motherhood, death of family members (mom, dad, grandmother), etc.  Honestly, it was something that was on my mind when we were in a r/s.  How bad would it be when those events happened?  They are tough for 'normal' people, how tough would it be for someone who is basically a raw, exposed nerve?  If she hasn't gotten over the death of her grandparents (well over a decade ago), then how bad will it be when her mom/dad dies?  At our ages, it isn't long before life starts giving and starts taking from us.  Not to mention her own age being taken into account.  She is very much about her appearance and though I don't think she'll ever be unattractive, even as she ages, in her mind she will; not to mention the biological changes that occur with age (gray hair, wrinkles, aches/pains, hormonal changes, etc).

Sorry, I seem to be rambling here.  I've just had these thoughts in my head most of the day.  I am fighting myself in my head between logic and emotion.  I know that I am still in grieving, more specifically the bargaining phase, since I 

have spent a lot of the day saying to myself "what if" and "if only".  Like, what if she gets better or if only I would have been better at perceiving her fears/pain and was better at navigating it or what if my own divorce would've moved along faster (something she brought up the other night, even though her own took over a year, mine was apparently supposed to move faster even though I have assets/child issues to work out)?  I know those are frivolous things to ponder, because the answer is that there was really nothing I could do to stop this outcome.  From the moment we started, the clock until the end was ticking.  I knew that, deep down, but I hoped against hope that it wouldn't be the case this time.  But, at some point, during all of this she stopped being the illusion she presented me with and was her true self.  She hurt me emotionally, perhaps even willfully, and didn't care (like 'normal' people do anyway) about the consequences of it.

I did do something good for myself, though.  I went to dinner with my child and my ex.  Surprisingly, her and I get along very well still and it was a pleasant dinner (where we discussed Christmas plans, etc).  It was just normal.  Normal feels odd to me at this point; that's sad to say.  During that time, J never really crossed my mind.  I simply was enjoying a stress free dinner where I didn't have to think about what I was saying or wondering who she was texting (because she didn't text anyone, unlike J who constantly seemed to be on her phone) while I was talking.  Of course, J would not approve of me having dinner with my ex, but I also don't owe J anything at this point.  At least, I don't feel that way.  But, writing that, I realize that I will heal fully when I'm ready and things will stabilize again for me.

[Learning Fast]

LA,

This is undoubtedly the most rewarding ending (granted none of them are the outcome we would like) that I have ever read on this site.  In fact, I had to read it twice to absorb the full impact.  You handled it with maturity, dignity, grace and compassion at a moment where it would be so darn hard not to vent all of the pent up emotions that develop during the unwinding---especially since you work with her. 

The interesting part is that she remained lucid for so long.  I have never experienced more than a brief moment of lucidity with my ex.  Perhaps your approach allowed her to feel comfortable and open with the discussion.  Again, another wise move to prevent what could have been a much different outcome.

I guarantee that when you look back at this moment at some future date you'll be so thankful that you opted to take the high road where so many haven't. 

2016 is only a couple of weeks away and I wish you nothing but the best in the New Year my friend.

LF

[Anez]

Congrats on handling it in such a gentlemanly fashion, Astro. Says a lot about you and what you deserve.

You and I have something in common in that we work with our ex pwBPD. And that is tough, no way around it. When she first moved on from me I'd break into sweats when I saw her talking to other guys. A physical sweat. I started making up narratives in my head about how she was probably seeing this guy or that guy as my replacement. But a friend of mine talked to me about not making up these narratives and just rubber stamping them as truth. Could they be true? Sure. Could they not be true? Sure. It was important for me to just not believe in them either way. Is J having a relationship with your boss' supervisor? Maybe, maybe not. You just have to not buy the narrative you're creating in your mind, as hard as that can be sometimes.

I also fear that she's going to instantly get better and find someone who will reap the benefits. But we both know that's not going to happen. It's just not in their makeup. Look at J's sordid past. Her patterns. Those seem sewn into her and who she is. She's not going to be changing any time soon. you really did dodge a bullet, as hard as that may seem right now.

these next days, weeks, months will be tough but you will be OK and you will be better for it. Just do good things for you like you did tonight, be OK sitting with the pain in the pain rises to the surface. Grieve. It's all OK.

Of course I say this while sitting here hoping my ex will text me and we'll go back to being what we were and live happily ever after but that's just part of the process too, getting through these nights until they add up to months and the feelings fade. I'm also working with a really good therapist and I always feel so much better after our sessions. I have one tomorrow and I can't wait for it. Just keep working on you. Do things that make you feel good. And eventually you'll find yourself with someone new who will treat you the way you need to be treated.

Keep grinding, Astro.

[Lonely_Astro]

LA,

This is undoubtedly the most rewarding ending (granted none of them are the outcome we would like) that I have ever read on this site.  In fact, I had to read it twice to absorb the full impact.  You handled it with maturity, dignity, grace and compassion at a moment where it would be so darn hard not to vent all of the pent up emotions that develop during the unwinding---especially since you work with her. 

The interesting part is that she remained lucid for so long.  I have never experienced more than a brief moment of lucidity with my ex.  Perhaps your approach allowed her to feel comfortable and open with the discussion.  Again, another wise move to prevent what could have been a much different outcome.

I guarantee that when you look back at this moment at some future date you'll be so thankful that you opted to take the high road where so many haven't. 

2016 is only a couple of weeks away and I wish you nothing but the best in the New Year my friend.

LF

Thank you, Learning.  I'm glad that my journey has given hope to others.  J is very self aware and is often lucid.  That is what made a r/s with her so easy at times.  It was easy to forget that she had BPD because of it.  Of course, I will never truly be sure of how lucid she really was because during our talk last night she pulled the veil back some and I was able to see that we were actually perceiving the r/s much differently much of the time (even though it appeared we were on the same page).  For instance, she once loved the fact that I had a child.  She talked so much about how she looked forward to cozying up by a fire with the two of us, laying there together watching them play.  She loved to interact with them and they took to her quite well.  At the end, she said that me with a child was to overwhelming for her.  Those are two starkly different perspectives on me with a child that shifted in a matter of weeks.

What little bit of personal interaction that we had today made me realize that she had mostly already detached from the r/s.  Last night was a gift to me.  I got what many on this board seek: closure.  Any r/s that ends is difficult.  Many of us have forgotten what it was like for a 'normal' r/s to end, especially if you weren't the one ending it.  We forgot about how painful it was to see the loss of what could have been (which is ultimately what makes the end of a r/s so painful, the could of been's).  R/s end for a multitude of reasons, some end in the blink of an eye, others fade out slowly.  The one thing remains the same at the end: it isn't easy to let go of a loved one.  BPD r/s are even harder because we are letting go of ourselves, with bruised and battered self images most of the time.  Not to mention the enmeshment with their emotions we didn't even realize we had and codependency that we had grown accustomed to.

I must've heard With Or Without You by U2 hundreds, if not thousands, of times in my life.  Never before now have I really ever felt those lyrics.  It sums up how I feel about J, instantly.  Why do I think she's choosing to end it with me, right now?  I simply think the excitement, newness, and the 'rush' was over and she has (or is about to and wants a clear conscious) moved on to someone else.  We had been involved in a clandestine r/s for several months before it was about to move into an open-to-the-public one.  The fantasy that she had built, the promises she had made, were about to have to be paid for.  The bill was due, so to speak and she fled.  I became her persecutor, even if it wasn't really the case.  :)on't get me wrong, I did at times call her out for her actions.  When all this started a year ago, I told her I would always hold her accountable for her actions and would be brutally honest because of the past.  She told me, that because of her past actions with me that she understood and encouraged me to do that and that if she did something that sparked suspicion to immediately confront her.  The problem with that was, at first, she was fine with it but that quickly changed and an argument constantly ensued for me asking simple questions about oddities.  I, like many of us, told myself when the second bite of the apple came up that at the first sign of something odd I would leave, but I didn't.  I kept whitewashing the oddities to keep the r/s going.

The other part of why this ended was because she felt she wasn't good enough for me.  She constantly says that I am to smart for her, that when I speak she doesn't understand 90% of what I say and I need to "dumb it down" for her.  I always would 'correct' her about the 'dumb' part, because honestly she isn't dumb.  She was always intimidated by my education level and the fact that I have traveled the world.  She would, at times, tell me about how she didn't understand how someone like myself saw anything in a simpleton like her.  That was her BPD talking, I know that.  But, she told me that I often spoke down to her or belittled her because of my intelligence.  Mutual friends have told me in private that she had said that to them before she had said that to me directly.  So, basically, she felt that I was speaking to her with an air of superiority, even though it was just me speaking as I speak.  There is nothing that I can do to correct that and honestly I am not going to change the way I speak or choose my words simply to appease another person.  If that is arrogant, then so be it.

Another thing that she loved about me and then hated was my attitude.  I had confidence.  I spoke my mind and what I believed in, even if everyone else disliked what I had to say.  She told me last night that she envied me because I didn't care what others thought of me, that I blazed my own trail, and she wished she could do that but that she would always seek everyone's approval.  She couldn't stand the fact of someone thinking negative of her, whereas I couldn't care less about what people thought of me.  Realistically, I know there is nothing holding her back from that but that is for her to discover.  Part of that self-assuredness came from me traveling, when I had no one else to rely on but myself.  I chose when I was younger to get out and see the world and I am grateful I had that opportunity.  It shaped me into who I am today.  In the end, she hated that because I wasn't afraid to strike out on my own and reveled in being able to do it (when I do travel, I usually don't do touristy things, I submerge myself in the local culture to get the full experience, something that also totally freaked her out).  

A funny story with that is that we were on a date and walked past a hostel (which I had to tell her what a hostel was, which made her feel dumb I later found out).  I stopped and started chatting with a couple of young backpackers (who turned out to be from England).  We chatted for several minutes and I gave them some local places to try out and we continued on.  She freaked out like I had never seen before.  She couldn't believe that I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and talked to two strangers (even though now she claims to be a social butterfly who never met a stranger and I am the opposite, I hate people - her words from last night) on a whim.  She was visibly shaking.  She was worried that we would get mugged or killed.  Honestly, I don't think she would travel well at all and she should probably stick to the cruise ships she loves to go on (God knows I had to listen to the story of a cruise she took with her parents and M enough times).  By the way, I wasn't upset to hear the story, she was trying to relate to me about traveling, even though reminding me that M was with her (even though she claims all they did was fight the entire time) was not my favorite part of the story.

As the FOG lifts, I totally understand that in many ways I wasn't right for J, BPD or not.  We are totally different people at our cores, the difference being is that J appeared (at first) to be more aligned with me than she turned out to be.  Of course, all she really ever did was focus on what we didn't have in common.  What I mean is that the select few that knew we had a r/s going would constantly say how different we were.  That, of course, did not do me any favors at all.  And don't get me wrong, I knew the lack of mutual interest was going to be hard to get over.  It was a hurdle, but I figured with mutual respect and understanding (that she appeared to have) we would make it work.  I suppose I was wrong.

I know where a lot of my problem lies.  It lies it the could of / should of been aspect of the r/s.  The fantasy of what we talked about, that perfect life.  I mean, here was this amazingly beautiful (inside and out) woman that wanted to have all of these things with me.  She wanted to take care of me, love me, experience with me, and I wanted to give her all these different experiences.  I wanted to travel with her, show her the world, show her things that she never knew existed, show her how big and amazing the world really is.  I wanted to pull her out of the dark space, not save her so don't misunderstand, but show her the world is bigger than our city.  I had so many plans for her, from travel partner to even motherhood, I wanted to give her those things even if we didn't have the same taste in books, movies, or music.  Of course, I bought into that fantasy.  That's exactly what it was.  It may not have been to her when she talked about it with me, but it was just a fantasy.  A great one.  

The truly crummy part is that the r/s fizzled quickly and it did so really without a reason.  What I mean is that the vast majority of what she perceived as slights against her were just that, perceived.  I never abused her in any way, I never treated her like she was beneath me, and I never meant to do anything to turn her against me like she ended up turning against me.  I don't doubt she loves me, in her own way, but I do know that she feels like I have done those things.  Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't been a saint toward her all the time.  I have argued with her, accused her, and I have been angry/upset with her throughout points in time during this past year.

One thing that sticks out to me is that during our conversation I said something to her to the effect that I could not make her or will her to want me.  Her response to that was that she was sorry and wished she could change but that she couldn't.  That told me that she had detached from the r/s.  When that detachment had taken place is unknown to me, but it had taken place.  She did say that she had had an amazing year with me and did apologize that she caused me so much pain; that she hated it and wish she could change it.  That is as close to a goodbye as anyone could ever get with a BPD.  In one of our personal moments today she did ask me how I was feeling.  It truly was a genuine moment from her.  I told her I was processing and thanked her for being brave for asking me.  Many ask if BPDs ever feel guilty or have remorse, I believe that J does.  I believe that she wants to love me but understands that she can't love me how love is supposed to be.  She often would say to me in times of distancing that she was protecting me from herself.  I always thought that was BS, but in reflection I believe she meant it.  She felt something bad coming on and she would rather hurt me that way than another (whatever that "other" thing was).  This is why I feel that she has or is about to engage in another r/s (a rebound, a replacement, whatever you want to call it).  Of course, it's pure speculation.  She has told me, what she has told me anyway, about DBT that her therapist has said multiple times that she needed to be alone (i.e., no r/s' at all) in order to fix herself before entering into a r/s so that she could do so in a healthy and meaningful way.

For me, I need to focus on myself.  As Buddha said, "Pain Is Inevitable; Suffering Is Optional."

[Lonely_Astro]

Congrats on handling it in such a gentlemanly fashion, Astro. Says a lot about you and what you deserve.

You and I have something in common in that we work with our ex pwBPD. And that is tough, no way around it. When she first moved on from me I'd break into sweats when I saw her talking to other guys. A physical sweat. I started making up narratives in my head about how she was probably seeing this guy or that guy as my replacement. But a friend of mine talked to me about not making up these narratives and just rubber stamping them as truth. Could they be true? Sure. Could they not be true? Sure. It was important for me to just not believe in them either way. Is J having a relationship with your boss' supervisor? Maybe, maybe not. You just have to not buy the narrative you're creating in your mind, as hard as that can be sometimes.

I also fear that she's going to instantly get better and find someone who will reap the benefits. But we both know that's not going to happen. It's just not in their makeup. Look at J's sordid past. Her patterns. Those seem sewn into her and who she is. She's not going to be changing any time soon. you really did dodge a bullet, as hard as that may seem right now.

these next days, weeks, months will be tough but you will be OK and you will be better for it. Just do good things for you like you did tonight, be OK sitting with the pain in the pain rises to the surface. Grieve. It's all OK.

Of course I say this while sitting here hoping my ex will text me and we'll go back to being what we were and live happily ever after but that's just part of the process too, getting through these nights until they add up to months and the feelings fade. I'm also working with a really good therapist and I always feel so much better after our sessions. I have one tomorrow and I can't wait for it. Just keep working on you. Do things that make you feel good. And eventually you'll find yourself with someone new who will treat you the way you need to be treated.

Keep grinding, Astro.

Thank you, Anez.  Yes, working with the ex isn't easy.  It wasn't easy the first time and it's certainly not going to be easy this time due to us being a lot closer on a personal and professional level this go around.  The fact that she is so self-aware and has moments of such lucidity also make it terribly hard.  I completely understand what you mean about physically having a reaction to her.  Today when I heard the phone call, I felt my heart pounding and I felt anger building up.  Here we were, less than 16 hours of having this meaningful deep talk filled with brief moments of support at work, and she was already giggling and strutting her tail feathers for another suitor.  You are right in that I don't need to rubber stamp the scenario.  It could be that I am just raw right now and she is presenting her mask to everyone at work because she is so used to it, all the while feeling so much guilt, shame, rage, and a host of other emotions beneath that mask.  Perhaps her flirtatious nature with him was a way for her to sooth the losses she has been feeling.  That, of course, doesn't ease my pain any.

What I hope for is that she isn't in any type of r/s right now.  I am not saying that for my benefit, I am saying that for hers.  She has told me several times that her therapist (DBT) has told her that she needs to be by herself right now so that she can fix herself, so that she can focus on her own healing, and that in time she can have r/s that are healthy and meaningful.  One of the things she did say to me last night was that she was in a place where she didn't need to be in a r/s but that she didn't want me out of her life, either.  I'm still uncertain as to if that was a string along tactic or if she truly meant she hoped I was still around for when she could be in a healthy and meaningful r/s. 

I would like to give the Hollywood version of that scenario and say that I will sit by, pine for her, and be standing there in a trench coat with a boom box above my head when she's ready.  The reality version is that, by the time she's ready for a healthy and meaningful r/s (which could be years from now), the possibility is there that I will have long moved on.  Heck, she may not even want to be around me by the time she has healed her own wounds and discovered what she really wants in life.  The fact is, is that if she sticks with DBT (while I don't think she will, I have hope she does) she has a long road ahead of her and even DBT doesn't ensure success.  Her chances of success only apply if she's focused and willing to do the hard work.  Perhaps that's why I needed to exit her life right now, so that she can fully focus on her therapy.  But, she has said several times that she was going to quite DBT because she was going for us, so if there was no us, what was the point?  I hope her attitude has changed, but she didn't mention DBT to me during our talk and since I knew her schedule up through today, I know she hasn't gone this week, either.

Anyway, time will heal me.  I know that I will always hold J in a special place because of what I did share with her.  There may have been more going on behind the scenes, but for me, it was completely real (and I know it was for her too, in that moment).  I have to process that loss.  It doesn't make it easy, especially since I will see her practically everyday.

[Grey Kitty]

Your circumstance has some parallels with mine.

I think what you are doing really qualifies as LC, not NC, since you do see her regularly. What I've been doing is limiting my contact to being civil, trying to be a tiny bit warm instead of a tiny bit cold, but really not reaching for or welcoming friendly contact from my wife.

Like you, I got some closure from her, clearly stating she didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and that it was her issues that had her there, not all my fault. This is far better closure than most pwBPD can offer. (My wife was always high functioning, and by that time had lost most of her BPD traits by then.)

However, just a warning--I kinda had the closure/clarity from her taken back a few months later--she started expressing vague regret at ending things, and offering half-measures or quarter-measures or hints that maybe we could make things work. By that time I wasn't interested in what she was offering.

In my case, the continued contact is interconnected family and friends, plus still having financial/legal ties we need to cut/manage together. (~25 years!) Your reason is being coworkers; I don't think you ever had all your finances together the way we did.

Anyhow, my choice was to shut down all the emotionally intimate connection with her. Because I was so used to sharing all that with her, my heart needed time to catch up to the idea my mind had--this isn't a good or healthy idea for me, I cannot trust her this way anymore. Physical distance has made it easier--I've only been with her in person a dozen times in August and September since we split in March. I saw her several times after things went really bad in October, and was still working on the marriage in February.

Today I think I'm emotionally strong enough that I might be able to be closer to her again as a friend. Unfortunately, we still have legal stuff to resolve, and while that is up in the air, I'm not feeling safe, and I'm holding back for sure until that is resolved.

Hang in there and let yourself feel whatever comes up, man. It will get better. 

[Lonely_Astro]

Your circumstance has some parallels with mine.

I think what you are doing really qualifies as LC, not NC, since you do see her regularly. What I've been doing is limiting my contact to being civil, trying to be a tiny bit warm instead of a tiny bit cold, but really not reaching for or welcoming friendly contact from my wife.

Like you, I got some closure from her, clearly stating she didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and that it was her issues that had her there, not all my fault. This is far better closure than most pwBPD can offer. (My wife was always high functioning, and by that time had lost most of her BPD traits by then.)

However, just a warning--I kinda had the closure/clarity from her taken back a few months later--she started expressing vague regret at ending things, and offering half-measures or quarter-measures or hints that maybe we could make things work. By that time I wasn't interested in what she was offering.

In my case, the continued contact is interconnected family and friends, plus still having financial/legal ties we need to cut/manage together. (~25 years!) Your reason is being coworkers; I don't think you ever had all your finances together the way we did.

Anyhow, my choice was to shut down all the emotionally intimate connection with her. Because I was so used to sharing all that with her, my heart needed time to catch up to the idea my mind had--this isn't a good or healthy idea for me, I cannot trust her this way anymore. Physical distance has made it easier--I've only been with her in person a dozen times in August and September since we split in March. I saw her several times after things went really bad in October, and was still working on the marriage in February.

Today I think I'm emotionally strong enough that I might be able to be closer to her again as a friend. Unfortunately, we still have legal stuff to resolve, and while that is up in the air, I'm not feeling safe, and I'm holding back for sure until that is resolved.

Hang in there and let yourself feel whatever comes up, man. It will get better. 

I do agree that how this has ended up is LC vs. NC.  I can't go NC in the sense of how we typically use the term because of work.  But, I'm trying to make it a point not to engage her about personal matters.  Note: try.

Today was difficult because we were 1-1 on a project and was alone.  I was talking about the project parameters, organizational stuff, budgeting, and what not and she suddenly flooded me with personal matters.  What I mean by that is that she completely dropped the mask and told me a lot more things, expanding on some things she had said the other night.  It wasn't callous or manipulative (or at least I don't feel like it was).  I was blindsided by it because I wasn't expecting it.  I thanked her for sharing feelings, validated how hard it must have been for her to show her vulnerability, and told her that I had heard what she had said to me.  Of course, that was what I was saying on the outside.  On the inside, I was feeling a full range of emotions. 

Surprisingly, during that time while I was listening, she directly addressed two things I thought I would never hear her address: N and B.  She started with N.  She said she was deeply sorry for not empathizing with me about my feelings when it came to him and how she should've understood how painful it was for me to have had experienced that 4 years ago because of how I thought our r/s was and how insensitive it was for her to have brought him up the way she did the other day or like she had in the park months earlier.  She said I had every right to have reacted the way I did about him, because of the negative history associated with him.  She also went into her own feelings about what had happened in July.  Those two things were huge (in my opinion) for her to address like she did.

She also said that she was continuing with DBT and she felt that it was only fair for me to have the option to move on without her (even though she doesn't want me to, really) because she isn't 'better' and I don't deserve her the way she is right now.  The strangest thing to me was that she said she wanted for us to have a new slate.  What she meant by this was she wanted to be in a better place, where she could have a healthy r/s, be free of the shadow of M (she was referencing how she was always afraid of him and would often not go places with me / do things with me because of him always being omnipresent in her mind), and have the true her when she discovers who that is.  She said that she did love me and that's why she is stepping back, so that she didn't further hurt me because of what I deeply and truly mean to her.

I honestly have to say that I was taken aback by what she had said.  Was all of what she said a lie?  Is it a mind game?  Was she further trying to hurt me by telling me those things all the while knowing that I wouldn't have a r/s with her?  Or, for a brief moment, did she remove the mask and show me her raw nerves and her true self?  Did she just show me bravery, vulnerability, and take some responsibility?