Ongoing improvement

[townhouse]

I haven't posted here for 6 weeks but thought I would like to tell what has been happening with my uBPD SO.

After a horrible dysregulation that lasted for weeks about a new house we were building, my partner under the use of alcohol turned violent towards me one night. Police were called and there is court case for reckless assault due to be heard this coming Friday.

During the proceeding 3 months since the DV he changed his attitude several times... .from wanting to separate for a while,  to wanting a full financial settlement to wanting to continue and work on the relationship.

We are currently still continuing the later. He put himself into two courses... .Drug and Alcohol Counselling and Men's Behavioural Change. He is also seeing a psychiatrist. DBT.  No meds as yet. i never thought he would do this.

I am pleased to say that his whole attitude to me continues to be one of "normal" communication between us. We have talked about the way he was and he can see how "wrong" his dysregs were and he is ashamed of the episodes of silent treatment he put me through over the years.

He is still eccentric in his thinking and doesn't want to socialise with other people. But I feel the depression he had has lifted and he now sees a future for us. I feel he has used his intellect (has PhD) plus this psych work he is doing, to kind of accept that there is something wrong with him and to try to bring about change for himself.

I am ... .don't quite know how to put it... .I suppose I am happy, relieved is more like it I suppose. I do remain wary, validating but I do JADE as in the Explain how I felt about things in the past and this is wholly accepted and understood by him.  I have learnt so much here on these boards and continue to do so. The phrase 'nothing good can come of saying this' has stuck in my brain. I try not to show my wariness as I feel I have to show full support for the future of our relationship.

I am not at all scared of violence as he hasn't had any alcohol for the 3 months and as he had never been violent to me in the past, I am accepting that the DV was a complete brain snap brought on by the alcohol, stress of the building, heart attack medication and of course BPD.

This is becoming a long essay. I'm sure we all feel we could write a book over the events we have with our partners. I could write a book over just the events of the last 6 months little own the last 14 years.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

Congratulations for you! I hate that it took physical violence for him to see he needed help, but I'm glad that he is getting it. It sounds like things are looking up for you. Just remember, it's a process and you may have set backs. Don't give up during those times. Your story gives hope to me.

[Cat Familiar]

Townhouse, I'm so glad things are better. I completely understand your wariness and I think that is a wise stance, though it may not feel comfortable.

I'm so glad he's getting help. The smart, highly educated ones can think they're above getting therapy. 

[townhouse]

We have been to court for the DM violence my partner inflicted on me 3 months ago.

The magistrate found that the case be deferred until early April and if my partner is at that time continuing to have counselling and psych help and is still no longer drinking alcohol ... .then the case will be dismissed.

While not underplaying the seriousness of what he did, I feel this is a very good outcome as it makes him stick to the programme he himself has decided to undertake.

The charge that applied to his conduct carried a 2 year maximum prison sentence with lesser outcomes a possibility.

I am very relieved he will not be going to prison.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so glad this situation is working out well. Removing the alcohol is a big thing. I'm glad he's able to do that. And that allows the counseling to be really effective.