Learning the meaning of true NC

[Itstopsnow]

I haven't seen or spoken to my ex BPD bf since Nov. 10th. And I'm feeling worse! I realize because I'm still having contact by going on the Internet and searching him. He has no Facebook thank God! But I found his name and his name that he gave other women on websites from a few girls that posted warnings about dating him from 2012, and 2014z , so I posted a few updated ones, now I'm a raw nerve! Because I don't want him finding them and then slandering me, or my business. I am a small business owner! These websites won't let me take them down. And there actually were  more web sites I found today! Some girl must of saw what I wrote and copied and pasted them to additional websites! I found two more today totally 5 total. And I posted a comment to one asking where she got this that I wrote it and it told me my email address wouldn't be shown. But it posted with my first and last name! I'm a raw nerve now! I should of never done that! I wish I left well enough alone! And now my full name is attached to a site that I didn't post to. If he finds it, I don't know what he's capable to do. I'm still not 100% sure if he is a BPD person or a straight up sociopath . He definitely fits both. And now I feel a huge set back. I realize now NC means letting go of everything! Including searches of him on the Internet! Please don't make the mistake I did. I tried to email the website but not sure if I got the right one. If I did nothing I wouldn't be feeling this bad right now.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Itstopsnow,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad and that your attempt to protect others has got out of control. You could'n't have foreseen what would happen. You sound anxious. Have you considered thinking about what you could do to protect yourself, just as a precaution?

I'm really pleased that you've posted your experience here for others to learn from. I'm no internet expert, so I've no idea whether there's anything that can be done to limit the fallout, but, I've alerted the moderator who may have a better idea.

How are you feeling now?

Lifewriter x

[Itstopsnow]

Thanks for the reply, I'm still anxious, but a little better. It's out of my hands for the moment. I emailed the site I hope they will take my comments down. I just have to give it to God. I was foolish . I did want to warn people but part was likely malicious too. Considering all he's done to me, I understand why I did it. But that doesn't make it right. I will never do anything like that again. I'm not proud of my behavior, plus I feel like when you act vindictive likel that. It can become habitual and it likely won't stop. And I don't want to be that person. He took 20 months of my life . Not that much in the grand scheme of things . Thanks again

[joel6242]

I am totally with you, give yourself a break. I got home Friday from Oklahoma and had a strange truck in my driveway. I then had a knock on my door at 3:00 AM and that really messed with my head. I have an order of protection against my BPD but he left several things at my house. I freaked out this weekend and started tracking him down and found he came back to town. I can not understand how he keeps from being arrested. I know that this may be hard but we have to let go and trust that the authorities will do their jobs. BPD is bigger than me and I will never win if I take it on.  

[Mutt]

I think that you did the right thing with sharing with us here. It helps to get feedback from people. I can see how you wouldn't want to have someone else be treated like you were treated. Thankfully have found all of the sites and emailed them, wait for a response and hopefully this will be resolved quickly. I agree with joel6242. Don't be hard on yourself.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you all so much! Just feeling so low tonight.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Itstopsnow,

I just thought I'd check in and see how you are today.

We all do things we regret. In my time on this website, I have occasionally presented my BPDxbf in a more negative light than was warranted. I regret those posts now and wish I could take them back. But, the posts are made and I can't unwrite what was written. However, whilst reading the other posts on this thread, it struck me that it's doing things that we regret and realising how we feel when we do them, that clarifies our values, brings our moral code into focus and helps us know who we are.

I think we both need to give ourselves a break... .

Love Lifewriter x