Accepting the part I played in it all

[homefree]

I feel like a fool.

Because of the unresolved and unrecognized self esteem and love addiction problems I brought into the beginning of the relationship, I gave every event or conversation so much more weight than it really deserved.

I injected magical thinking and that color infusing magical feeling into every happy part of the honeymoon phase.

When I was with her, with her arms around me, all the noise in the world stopped. It was like I was at the exact center of the universe. The world was a wondrous stage filled with meaning and beauty. And I was home.

But it was just a girl, who probably saw things differently. They were great, sure, but they couldn't possibly be as great as I saw them in my head.

And so every little cut hurt deeper than it ever should have.

Every back and forth would hurtle me from that high pedestal and I would wait desperately to be brought back up to it.

I filled every gap with my own illusions. With no justification beyond my only foolish hope. I never saw them for what they were, or I did, and was terrified to actually believe it.

She is broken, that's clear to me now, and the way I was treated was not fair by any stretch. I was disrespected, used, lied to, manipulated, taken for granted, and discarded without any apparent remorse.

But I'm broken too. There is something inside me that so desperately needs to be filled that if that door is opened, it comes pouring out and completely takes over.

I thought that's what love was. To feel that. Only that.

Despite everything, I should be grateful that she woke me up. Made me look at myself and see that I've been wrong my whole life. That is not love.

I know she probably won't even understand all the ways she hurt me, or ever apologize for them, but that part was all me. I did that, not her. And for that, I am sorry. I blamed her for things I was doing to myself, without her say in the matter.

I know it means nothing now, but I'm sorry.

[cloudten]

This is so beautifully written.

I know you feel broken. I know you feel like a fool... .this is common and normal. I still feel these things from time to time. It is okay to feel the way you feel... .you are completely justified in your feelings of anger and hurt.

The positive note here is that you will work on yourself and figure out what that something is that so desperately needs to be filled... .and when you figure that out for yourself, you will never allow yourself to go through this kind of pain again because you will see the red flags for what they are ahead of time.

[Mutt]

Hi homefree



I would like to echo cloudten and I think it was beautifully written too. Your words made me recall memories of the idealization phase with my relationship too and the feelings that I felt.

A relationship takes two people. BPD us a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are caused by the behaviors and actions of others. Don't take the lion's share of the blame.

I felt the same way about my ex wife in that she was an alarm bell that woke me up.  I was concerned with how much pain that the emotional wounds were, if they would heal and if I would have the ability to move on. It takes takes time. Hang in there.

[hopealways]

You may both be broken, but the difference is that the broken you does not hurt others yet the broken her DOES. So don't hurt yourself more by thinking you were responsible for the break up.  Sure you may have been a codependent, and it's best to work to not be, but codependency is no excuse for your partner to treat you the way she did.

[True Grenadine]

Baby steps and keep an open and cheerful eye to the new possibilities that your new openness will bring you... .Whatever happens, don't look back with remorse... .Each day is a new day with a fresh start and new possibilities... .

TG

[steelwork]

Despite everything, I should be grateful that she woke me up. Made me look at myself and see that I've been wrong my whole life. That is not love.

It's a kind of love. I'm a bad judge, because I'm a fiction writer and I live off pure experience. You had a dazzling experience. Just remember that it isn't attached to the person she is now. Hold it inside you and take the good from it.