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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: First real relationship and I bumped into BPD. What next?  (Read 1036 times)
blackbirdsong
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 314



« on: December 02, 2015, 03:31:42 PM »

Hi,

this is my first post on this forum. So excuse me for writing this long post (I already know that it will be long)

So, I will describe you very intensive relationship that I determined 2 weeks ago.

I met this girl in May. Soon we started going out and I felt that I have found a soulmate. During our endless conversations and meetings, few times I just received several 'silence treatments'. Just no response. I found that very strange and always tried to found out what was the problem. (That should be my first clue that something is wrong)

Then in July I confronted her and said that I like her and I don't understand what is the problem. She said that she was in very sensitive period and that she likes me and said she was sorry regarding her behavior.  After that we were 'officially BF&GF'.

Honeymoon phase started, everything was perfect (at least from that perspective, now I found many things as potential signs that even that was wrong).

After a while, she changed her behavior completely, well - not completely some signs, as I already stated, existed before, I just thought that they are part of the honeymoon phase... .

She was very possessive, if I didn't contact her at the specific time that she imagined in her head, she would make a scene about it. Every activity that included other people in my environment were somehow a problem, meaningless things would be pulled out from the context and used against me, we would meet only at her place, my place was not good enough (?), I was guilty even for irrational things etc.

I wont go in too much details, but she covers almost every aspect of BPD (I didn't notice physical self harming part). She was seeing a therapist even before we met, and she even mentioned BPD as part of her diagnose, but I am not sure if she admits that to herself, or she thinks that BPD is something her therapist thinks she has. At that time, I didn't even know what BPD is, so didn't recognize that as red flag.

This was my first serious relationship so I didn't react properly on many things, I thought this is "normal" part of every relationship, you have problems but you will solved them. At the end she was very emotionally abusive and at some point I realize that I cannot handle this type of relationship, I remember that I said to myself: "If this is love and relationship, then I don't want it". She is very, and I mean very, intelligent, has a great job and has great communication skills, no wonder she conviced me that I was always the guilty one... . 

I took several days to think about this situation and went to her and we broke up. At the end I was already aware what BPD is and investigated a lot about it, I wanted to help her, but I felt manipulated and recognized huge amount of the things that were wrong also from my side.

The main problem is that I believe I have narcissistic/caregiver elements,  not the pure NPD, but definitely some elements of it. And this is perfect match: NPD/BPD. I realized that neither she loved me in healthy way, nor did I loved her in healthy way. There was no reciprocity in our relationship and this is what love is about. I just all about give,give give, and she was receive,receive,receive I also realized that I need to love myself more, in a healthy way, to accept myself and work on my self-awareness.

We are in No Contact phase for two weeks, and it is still very hard, I often think of her, wondering if I can help her, what is she doing right now, I still believe that she is a good person deep inside, but I also realized that this was not healthy for us and  it is better this way.

I was really (and still but less) bad after break up. Vommiting, panic attacks (never before experienced this), sadness, ... .

But even in this period I was pretty confident that I have made a right decision.

But it is just so hard... . :'(
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Schermarhorn
formerly nonya24
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 258



« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2015, 04:04:10 PM »

Hi,

this is my first post on this forum. So excuse me for writing this long post (I already know that it will be long)

So, I will describe you very intensive relationship that I determined 2 weeks ago.

I met this girl in May. Soon we started going out and I felt that I have found a soulmate. During our endless conversations and meetings, few times I just received several 'silence treatments'. Just no response. I found that very strange and always tried to found out what was the problem. (That should be my first clue that something is wrong)

Then in July I confronted her and said that I like her and I don't understand what is the problem. She said that she was in very sensitive period and that she likes me and said she was sorry regarding her behavior.  After that we were 'officially BF&GF'.

Honeymoon phase started, everything was perfect (at least from that perspective, now I found many things as potential signs that even that was wrong).

After a while, she changed her behavior completely, well - not completely some signs, as I already stated, existed before, I just thought that they are part of the honeymoon phase... .

She was very possessive, if I didn't contact her at the specific time that she imagined in her head, she would make a scene about it. Every activity that included other people in my environment were somehow a problem, meaningless things would be pulled out from the context and used against me, we would meet only at her place, my place was not good enough (?), I was guilty even for irrational things etc.

I wont go in too much details, but she covers almost every aspect of BPD (I didn't notice physical self harming part). She was seeing a therapist even before we met, and she even mentioned BPD as part of her diagnose, but I am not sure if she admits that to herself, or she thinks that BPD is something her therapist thinks she has. At that time, I didn't even know what BPD is, so didn't recognize that as red flag.

This was my first serious relationship so I didn't react properly on many things, I thought this is "normal" part of every relationship, you have problems but you will solved them. At the end she was very emotionally abusive and at some point I realize that I cannot handle this type of relationship, I remember that I said to myself: "If this is love and relationship, then I don't want it". She is very, and I mean very, intelligent, has a great job and has great communication skills, no wonder she conviced me that I was always the guilty one... . 

I took several days to think about this situation and went to her and we broke up. At the end I was already aware what BPD is and investigated a lot about it, I wanted to help her, but I felt manipulated and recognized huge amount of the things that were wrong also from my side.

The main problem is that I believe I have narcissistic/caregiver elements,  not the pure NPD, but definitely some elements of it. And this is perfect match: NPD/BPD. I realized that neither she loved me in healthy way, nor did I loved her in healthy way. There was no reciprocity in our relationship and this is what love is about. I just all about give,give give, and she was receive,receive,receive I also realized that I need to love myself more, in a healthy way, to accept myself and work on my self-awareness.

We are in No Contact phase for two weeks, and it is still very hard, I often think of her, wondering if I can help her, what is she doing right now, I still believe that she is a good person deep inside, but I also realized that this was not healthy for us and  it is better this way.

I was really (and still but less) bad after break up. Vommiting, panic attacks (never before experienced this), sadness, ... .

But even in this period I was pretty confident that I have made a right decision.

But it is just so hard... . :'(

Your situation is a lot like mine. She was my first real relationship.

What are you doing for yourself right now? How are you coping?
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blackbirdsong
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 314



« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2015, 04:19:46 PM »

Your situation is a lot like mine. She was my first real relationship.

What are you doing for yourself right now? How are you coping?

Well, you need to realize that she is not the only reason that your relationship ended (or even better, started). I am not talking about BPD, you are not guilty for BPD, or any actions related to it. I am talking about your connection and why you started your relationship at the first place. Trust me, even the honeymoon phase was unhealthy and wrong. I know that now, I still remember that period in a nice way, but I know that it wasn't healthy, it was too extreme and too good to be true. And it fed our deficiencies, and that is the reason why we thought it was wonderful, and why I thought I found my soulmate.  

I am considering to see a therapist and talk about this. The break up was two weeks ago, and I am still in this fresh recovering phase.

I am reading a lot about this, about BPD and trying to figure out what is the reason why I let myself to be wounded so much.

Just as BPDs have child issues that are manifesting in their adult reactions, so do we 'caregivers/people pleasers/white knights/wounded bird sindrom' people have some issues that we need to dig out. We need to consider why do we also have blurred vision of love (only to give, and not to receive, because this is usually main characteristic of BPD partners)

There is a one good question that I bumped into: Do You Love To Be Needed, Or Need To Be Loved? This is a true question in my case.
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6152


« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2015, 05:01:13 PM »

Hey blackbird song, Your subject line begs the question: why did you get in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place?  Worth thinking about it and you seem off to a good start.  One answer could be, because you thought it was what you deserved.  Another could be, you were attracted to the BPD dynamic because it was familiar from your FOO.  You get the idea.  Just look without judging at the patterns you were drawn to.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
blackbirdsong
****
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 314



« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2015, 11:28:54 AM »

Hey blackbird song, Your subject line begs the question: why did you get in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place?  Worth thinking about it and you seem off to a good start.  One answer could be, because you thought it was what you deserved.  Another could be, you were attracted to the BPD dynamic because it was familiar from your FOO.  You get the idea.  Just look without judging at the patterns you were drawn to.

LuckyJim

Hi Lucky Jim,

Yes, you are right, and if you read my post you can see that I am already aware of it. I am trying to work on this. But the wound is still fresh... .And it hurts, even tough I ended the relationship... .

I have several questions/issues constantly asking myself:

1. Considering the fact that this was my first relationship, was this a parameter that made things worse? I was still learning "the relationship concept" and it is triple hard Smiling (click to insert in post) when you are dealing with BPD. Al tough, I probably wouldn't date her if I had previous experience? 

2. I still have 'superman effect'. I am codependent. I want to save her, I feel sorry for her. I know that she is trying, she is going to therapy and working on it. But till this day I don't know how much did she accept BPD as a fact and something that represents reality and not only therapy diagnosis. I remember one situation when she mentioned therapy... .The story was always that everything started when her father died and few months after that she said that she felt something changed. But she always talked about anxiety and depression, only once she mentioned BPD but immediately said that she doesn't see a lot of parameters of BPD at herself. I don't know if she said that just to not scare me, or she really thinks that. The problem is that later I found out that she has like 9/10 BPD signs. But why would she mention that at the first place? Know I see it like a huge S.O.S sign from her side... .

3. She always wanted to represent that she isn't hiding anything from me. Even I didn't ask that, and actually - it bothered me, she always read her new text messages at loud (but she also expected to know who contacted me if I lookup my phone and new messages), gave me her gmail credentials etc. Why? Is is something from her previous relationships, where she "cheated" through text messages, and this is some kind of self-control mechanism? She even told me that her ex boyfriend is still texting her (like during the whole year) but she is not responding (?)







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