I really need advice on communication

[cherryblossom]

This is what i sent... .I think its not that bad... .(don't know how to insert quote)


I'm sending this as hope its constructive. The last message felt too dry. I'm not an expert on dealing with this. I'm researching and reflecting on what's happened as much as poss. I'm realising I'm not as mature with my own emotions as I thought, and that I still frequently operate from my child self in relation to others. I feel we both met with burgeoning maturity and self respect. I met you as a resourceful, constructive, independent, intelligent man. I'm sure you're trying to figure all this out too. I'm just trying to do damage limitation. We are both hurting. I made the previous suggestion to help protect my feelings and stop further harm to both. I'll be on holiday 29th dec-5th Jan so if i don't respond to anything constructive then it's because I'm away. I hope we can grow and learn from this experience.

[cherryblossom]

one last thing for now!

I think a good piece of work I need to do now is define my values/priorities more clearly -I'll admit they've taken a real battering - I was very strong minded to begin and therefore probably a root cause of my current confusion - he started out by enjoying my views / perspectives then ended up constantly challenging my world views in the end (boundary busting I guess) but by then I desperately wanted to cling on

[Grey Kitty]

I think a good piece of work I need to do now is define my values/priorities more clearly -I'll admit they've taken a real battering - I was very strong minded to begin ... .

Sounds like an excellent idea.

Would you share what your values and priorities are? Especially any that you feel like you haven't been living up to / putting your energy into recently?

[livednlearned]

one last thing for now!

I think a good piece of work I need to do now is define my values/priorities more clearly -I'll admit they've taken a real battering - I was very strong minded to begin and therefore probably a root cause of my current confusion - he started out by enjoying my views / perspectives then ended up constantly challenging my world views in the end (boundary busting I guess) but by then I desperately wanted to cling on

There is a sentence on this site that I really like, "It takes a great deal of strength to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it." Whether you're a partner or romantic partner, these are relationships that can bring you to your knees. They are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult. That doesn't mean they are impossible -- it means that it takes a great deal of strength to be in them. We have to take care of ourselves in very explicit ways, and know exactly what we value so we can clearly see and know and assert the boundaries that protect those values. Otherwise, we become weakened in the relationships, and the downward spiral takes us both down.

That's why giving yourself time to heal is so healthy. It may take you 30 days or 60 days or half a year. You're a mindful, thoughtful, and aware person, it may take you even less time. Either way, no matter how long it takes, you have a good sense about your own healing and this will help.

[cherryblossom]

Thanks both 

am putting a lot of thought into it, and going over it in therapy, big confusion though atm

atm I can't work out if I'm naughty or nice, like excitement or stability, fun or being serious, -I think I'm a mix -which is why I think my ex suited me as he was a mix -but the naughtiness =too extreme! -too destructive

I wasn't bothered by looks before -I can find something attractive in most people- but my ex is commercially gorgeous like a male model he is better looking than Ryan Gosling -similar to David Beckham and very good in bed-I didn't think I could be so shallow on looks front! That is making it hard for me also


I know I really wanted a child and committed relationship- I was very open about that at start  my exBPD said he wanted a child too -and made me promise I would only want to have a child with him (?) but he led me up garden path on that as did 360 on that -saying didn't think it would be fair with his problems and talking about future resources on the planet -what sort of future for a child? But he is very good with his nephews -heartbreaking to see

I felt so validated by him, he truly understood me -my complexities/personal history -he was so so similar to me just way more unstable -like we're on same recovery path but he's way way behind than me -I like the countryside/cliffs/mountains and simple things -but I also like getting really sweaty in a rave in a dark club or rock gig now and then, I like being creative and having fun -I like intellectual conversation -he provided all of that and more but a whole lot I could have done without as well!

Argggh If he could just stabilise himself and see the light -but I know that's out of my control! And the focus has got to be on me!

I will get back to you on here once I get a better clearer picture!

I know I would not go back to him unless he made a serious commitment to recovery -evidenced by staying in long term psychotherapy/attending a substance misuse programme/following a dbt skills workbook

[cherryblossom]

GK-

I guess the main ones that he busted:

VIOLENCE -I'm anti violence -but he would get into physical fights when drunk (not with me)-had black eyes / mild concussion etc... .and actually very early on when he was drunk he would give me little shoves like a little kid and laugh -but looking back 

SELF IMPROVEMENT/DISCOVERY - he was to begin -has psychology degree -into discussing various psychological tools/concepts/, attending cbt, reading a mindfulness for ocd workbook, reading "the road less travelled"... .however refused to do next step which was therapy geared towards strengthening his "self" -just gave up, stopped doing mindfulness, stopped going to the spa with me

CREATIVITY -he is a talented drummer -we were in a samba band together ----he turned to destruction -acted in such a way he got banned from playing live -made our living environment unstable with boisterous drunk behaviour so I had no peaceful space to do my jewellery making / crochet / artwork

OPEN/ HONEST COMMUNICATION-he hid his true feelings about certain issues / went behind my back to try and resolve problems in really dysfunctional ways

TRUST -at end was messaging females and saying he had to do that because of "relationship ocd"

MINDFUL BEHAVIOUR -I know its part of disorder -but he had a lot of tools he just refusing to use -I don't see how in this day and age with increasing MH awareness you can turn back on strategies

COURAGE -turning to abusive behaviour rather than fighting to be better

DRINK ok in moderation not as crutch

BEING CONSTRUCTIVE -he went destructive


Other values I can think of

Appreciate nature -he did but towards end we stopped going places

affection - he did give a lot of affection even towards end -big shock to have it removed suddenly

self discipline -unravelled


Will let you know when figure out more I'm aware they are rather airey fairy

maybe I should be thinking about finance etccc

[cherryblossom]

I remember in trust now - he looked at my emails and sent a fake message from me to my ex - he put that down to ocd impulse. That was a horrific violation i just let slide - he begged forgivness and said it was ocd made him do it. Also when we were having a rough patch i booked to go to brazil with some of band - he got v upset at this and had to increase his med and i didnt go in the end.

At some points he would bombard me with texts if i was away although 2 b fair he worked hard on that to stop it

[cherryblossom]

Managing mh- i was v open about needing to b with someone dedicated to managing mh and taking personal responsibility having come from a dysfunctional family with mh problems not managed properly