How to get them to pull their own weight on chores?

[maxsterling]

Waverider - I like your attitude - can't fix it, go fishing   Ultimately that is the path I am being directed towards.  Trying to get W to reduce my household burden is a waste of my energy.  I used to think if I could just get her to agree to cook 2 nights per week, it would really help me out.  Now I see tat if she is not motivated to do that on her own, then her doing it because she feels she "has to" for me will only be another energy drain in the long run.  As it is, when she does cook, I am not free to do other things because she has so many questions and needs so much help. 

I should add that over the past few weeks she has gone shopping by herself, has bought things for me, and has done both of our laundry and put clothes away.  That's good, but her motivation seems to be guilt/boredom more than anything.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm not too sure they can, unless they themselves want to. I mean... .my H SAYS he wants to, but the crater in the bed says otherwise rofl

This is one of the things I considered before I married. It bothers me sometimes, but not like it used to. If I want it done, I can do it. I'm gonna like how I do it better anyways.

[Cat Familiar]

When my husband and I got together, the tiny house I built for myself was never going to be large enough for another person. So when we added on to it, I insisted that we build him a detached studio--a man cave. We share kitchen, dining and living room. I hadn't a clue about the BPD stuff at the time, but I thank my lucky stars that he has his own space. I don't know that our marriage would have survived if we had to live in the same quarters.

I'm fairly organized and neat, but not excessively so. My husband's studio is chaotic. I just have to ignore the disorder and dust when we watch TV over there. I refused to have a TV in the house and I'm so glad I made that decision, because I have peace and quiet--and a clean and orderly refuge.  

He has never once vacuumed, dusted, washed floors, swept or mopped in the house. He's done very little of that in his studio in the past 10 years. No wonder I get allergies when I've tried to sleep there.  

[Cloudy Days]

As others have said, my husband pretty much does nothing. He has no motivation to do anything, if there is no food he won't go to store, if there is nothing he wants to drink, he won't go to the store. But he will complain about it.

I can't even praise him for anything because he doesn't do anything to be praised for! But I doubt it would work anyways. I grew up in a messy home, so I am not disgusted by things but I never had to be responsible for picking up someone else's messes. We just moved to a new home and he has his own bathroom. For some reason I am still suppose to clean his bathroom!

I tried to get him to help me with dinner last night. He wanted mashed potaotes. Something I don't usually make because it takes more time to peel and boil them. I would just microwave them and have baked potatoes. He stated he had other things to do, I went and found him sitting in his room and smoking a cigarette. Really pissed me off.

[maxsterling]

Be real careful about giving praise for "normal" activities like doing dishes or laundry.  If you say it the wrong way or with the wrong facial expression, you will come across as patronizing, and rage will surely result.  I try to give a simple "thank you" when appropriate, and leave it at that. 

[Cloudy Days]

My husband likes praise, just never does anything to deserve it. I think he has cooked dinner for me twice in 9 years, done dishes maybe twice, made breakfast maybe twice and I showed great appreciation for it when it was done.

[Cat Familiar]

With regard to meals, I would get so angry when I'd be working alone outdoors for hours on a home repair project and then come into the house and my husband would be reading a magazine and ask "What are we going to do?" which is his code phrase for "What's for dinner?" He would have spent all day watching TV and reading while I would be working my butt off, then suddenly I was supposed to make his dinner.

Finally I had enough of that. I can get by easily on very little food. So I started making smoothies for dinner or making some veggie dish I like that he's not too fond of. Sometimes I would say that I'm skipping dinner because I'm not hungry.

Ultimately that made him get a bit more resourceful and now he even offers to help chop veggies. Some nights (maybe once or twice a month) he will actually cook dinner. He's always been good about offering to go out for dinner a few nights a month. Even so, it just got on my nerves to be the only cook in our household in addition to being the handy person, the gardener, the veterinarian and the maid.

[waverider]

Yesterday my wife was talking to a neighbor and I overheard her say that she was brought up believing the one that cooks doesn't need to clean the dishes... .

She was also raving on about much she loves cooking...

Given i do 95% of cooking and she has never done the dishes in 9 years... .

[waverider]

I think it is the lack of personal effort than hinders endearing respect... It can tip us towards a carers mindset rather than partner mindset as there is little sense of teamwork

[maxsterling]

Yesterday my wife was talking to a neighbor and I overheard her say that she was brought up believing the one that cooks doesn't need to clean the dishes... .

She was also raving on about much she loves cooking...

Given i do 95% of cooking and she has never done the dishes in 9 years... .

HA!  My question is, do you really think she believes what she said, or do you think she knows she was putting on an act?   My wife does this, too.  I will overhear her talking with someone else and she will talk up how she likes to do something that she hasn't done in years, or she will she will minimize a bad behavior.  "Oh, I love yoga!"  "Yeah, I am a little lazy sometimes."  When she does admit to someone else about never doing housework, she makes an excuse, "I really don't cook much, but that is okay because Max loves to cook and he is a great cook."

[ColdEthyl]

Yesterday my wife was talking to a neighbor and I overheard her say that she was brought up believing the one that cooks doesn't need to clean the dishes... .

She was also raving on about much she loves cooking...

Given i do 95% of cooking and she has never done the dishes in 9 years... .

HA!  My question is, do you really think she believes what she said, or do you think she knows she was putting on an act?   My wife does this, too.  I will overhear her talking with someone else and she will talk up how she likes to do something that she hasn't done in years, or she will she will minimize a bad behavior.  "Oh, I love yoga!"  "Yeah, I am a little lazy sometimes."  When she does admit to someone else about never doing housework, she makes an excuse, "I really don't cook much, but that is okay because Max loves to cook and he is a great cook."

I think it's more of a projection of who they wished they were, or the person they *think* they are supposed to be, but fall short. Husband does the same things. I have to really fight to not let the BS Meter show on my face when he talks to people sometimes

[Cat Familiar]

Mine will sometimes respond in the affirmative when people ask if he rides horses too. It's been years since he's been on a horse and he's quite terrified of them. When he responds, "yes, but not as much as Cat does," I'm thinking What the heck? In what world is that true? And what else is he lying about? It gives me pause... .

[ColdEthyl]

Mine will sometimes respond in the affirmative when people ask if he rides horses too. It's been years since he's been on a horse and he's quite terrified of them. When he responds, "yes, but not as much as Cat does," I'm thinking What the heck? In what world is that true? And what else is he lying about? It gives me pause... .

I know that feeling. It nags me in the back of mind, too. I just go based on what I know and keep my eyes open. When I first met my H, he told me he owned property in the country. As it turns out, his aunt does and she had mentioned giving it to him possibly at some point, but she never did. She is selling it now and he is the one showing the property.