Ending things and not feeling guilty for what comes next

[a1234a]

Hey,

So I am quite emotional right now and I hope this all makes sense. I have been in a relationship with my gf with BPD for 5+ years. The last two have been absolute hell. Up to that things were great, with very minor upsets. My gf had a difficult childhood, mine was much more ideal, so I suppose I always felt I could give stability in a way she had never experienced before.  She was not very confident when we first met, life wasn't going to plan, or moving along as it should be for a 20 something. Fast forward a couple of years and she is in college. I encouraged this. I helped with assignments, I did as much as I possibly could.

So college was going well and things just seemed to be getting a little crazy, her self confidence went out of control and instead of how she was when we met, I felt I had created a monster. So self involved, putting others down, totally anti-establishment, she knew best all the time and everyone was either wonderful or the devil to her, and this could switch from one to the other very fast. She became forceful in her opinions and I started to become afraid to disagree. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. She became extremely abusive, I was called the most horrible things and made to feel absolutely worthless all the time. Unless of course she wanted something, then she could change it around so fast, and make me believe it too.

She is very disrespectful to my family, and without asking constantly posts via social media about them, discussed them with others in a 'not so nice way' and just really over stepped the mark. She was seeing therapists, but the manipulation just never stopped. One therapist would figure her out and she would move on to the next. She began to self harm and attempted to OD, twice in 6 months.

I knew I needed to walk away but was always waiting until she was more stable so I could do so without feeling guilt about her reaction. I still feel that way. I am preparing to leave, but I am terrified about what will happen next. I am not sure how to go about it, what would be best, least damaging to everyone in the long run.

I feel like I am not even telling the story, I'm barely touching on it. It's just so hard.

[blackbirdsong]

Hey,


I knew I needed to walk away but was always waiting until she was more stable so I could do so without feeling guilt about her reaction. I still feel that way. I am preparing to leave, but I am terrified about what will happen next. I am not sure how to go about it, what would be best, least damaging to everyone in the long run.

I feel like I am not even telling the story, I'm barely touching on it. It's just so hard.

If you know that you need to go, then go... .If something inside you tells you that this is harmful to you, then leave. You need to listen to that inner voice. Listen to it now, if you didn't listen it before (although  I am sure this voice screamed all the time). You are not responsible what will happen next. You are not responsible for someone's actions. You are only responsible for your actions and you need to take care of yourself.

[Rg120]

I completely understand where you're coming from. I broke up with my BPDgf over a year ago, but have stayed in contact with her. Our relationship went from toxic when we were together to extremely toxic after we broke up.  Yet I kept going back trying to save her. My life is a complete mess because of it. If you feel like it's time to walk away, then do it. There is no easy way to do it, it's going to be painful no matter which way choose. But i guarantee you the pain will be less now than if you let this fester like I did, and try to walk away later. 

[Mutt]

Hi a1234a,



I'm sorry to hear that. The first step is always the hardest. I completely understand how difficult and upsetting it is to talk about this. It helps to talk to people that can connect with you because they have walked a mile in your shoes. How is your support network with family and friends? Are you taking care of yourself?

I agree with you that it sounds like she was unstable and an ingredient for that instability was likely stress from school. Her control over loved ones is because she's feeling out of control with herself and she's trying to control her environment.

To answer you question about leaving your ex I suggest Dr Joe. Carvers's advice with lessening the emotional attachment by sharing less feelings and becoming bland and boring. You'll find the information in the following article.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

[a1234a]

Thank you all for your replies. it does help to be able to get support from people who have been in my shoes <3