What does it mean if he' NOT idealizing my replacement?

[steelwork]

This is just a weird thought. When we spoke after the "discard" I guess it's called, I asked if he loved her. He said yes, but didn't sound convinced. He said he didn't have the "ague" (which was what he called our lovesickness). A mutual friend said he didn't think my ex loves the new girl, that he was downplaying the whole thing. The friend said he was actually surprised to be invited over to my ex's new place and find her living there. My ex had said nothing about moving in with her, was being blase, not acting that into her.

I don't know. Does this mean anything? Maybe he's decided to go with a relationship that's less intense. So wouldn't that argue against BPD?

[Schermarhorn]

I'm kind of curious about this as well.

[once removed]

hey shambles 

this is what he was telling you. in that moment he may have meant it or not meant it; and he may have had selfish reasons for telling you this version either way.

i didnt see a lot of overt, public idealization from my ex toward my replacement. i suspect he saw plenty.

[steelwork]

Yeah, that's true. But he had no reason to downplay it to our friend. Our friend doesn't know about our relationship.

I don't know. Call me crazy, but I believe he loved me more. This girl is just not that great. Kind of a bad person, really boring and square. He said so himself many times. Who cares, I guess, but I'm quite sure he's settling.

[steelwork]

You want a laugh? I was just nominated for a fellowship, and guess who is on the admissions board? My replacement. Yes. Her. And she already was toxically jealous of me before he even started shtupping her. No lie: she hated me. Which I suspect is part of why he went for her.

[once removed]

first of all, congratulations. if youre correct that he sees her as less than you, how does this help you detach? are you doubting he is BPD?

[Herodias]

I agree with you that they settle for whomever comes along next and will be there for them no matter what- so they think! They probably hit the jackpot sometimes! It doesn't help us to detach to know this, but our egos were fed so much with them and then it's gone - I think it's a way to feed the ego to know they are with someone whom is less than we are... .Whether they have less money, less status, etc. It doesn't change anything... .Other than hopes they have regret. Who knows, sometimes I wonder if mine has any less stress living life poor. Not that we were rich, but we could pay our bills and enjoy ourselves. Now he's not even paying his bills! I would think that's a new kind of stress. I wonder if now that the lustful stage has worn off with them, if he's thought about it... .I tend to think so.

[once removed]

I think it's a way to feed the ego to know they are with someone whom is less than we are... .

it is certainly a way to feed the ego, and in the aftermath of these relationships, our ego is suffering tremendously. its a shaky foundation to base our recovery on our exes success or failure. what if we are wrong? at the time, i did the same thing; my replacement lasted longer than i did.

[enlighten me]

It could be a number of things.

Maybe they don't feel the new partner is a good fit so doesn't want to invest too much.

Maybe they don't want to publicise it as they don't want to upset you.

Maybe they have their eye on someone else so don't want to make a big thing of the relationship as it may put the other person off.

Who can say what is really going on in their head.

My exgf was with her boyfriend for four months before she even tagged him in a post on fb. She changed her status as in a relationship 8 months into it. She had a flurry of posts with her BF in right up until the point she dumped him at about the 12 month point.

Why did she keep him quiet? I don't know. Maybe he was just a stop gap. Maybe she had a number of options on the go. Maybe she didn't want to upset me.

The more important thing is what you want. Do you want him back or do you just want him to acknowledge that you meant something? It took me a while but I realise that my exgf's opinion of me doesn't matter. Its how I feel about me and my actions that count.

[steelwork]

first of all, congratulations. if youre correct that he sees her as less than you, how does this help you detach? are you doubting he is BPD?

It does NOT help me detach--you're right! And, yeah, I'm sure it's a salve for my ego. (But it's also true that she sucks, and I KNOW he doesn't have the connection with her that we had. She doesn't have the capacity for it--or the experience. She's MUCH younger than him and has led a totally different life and is, well, pretty narcissistic and ungenerous.) Well, but I do keep coming back to him saying, "I feel like I'm a different person now." And if he's a person who wants to be with her, then I don't want to be with him.

So maybe that helps.

No, he has BPD. I don't know why I would even question it. So many signs, so many obvious red flags. Nothing else makes sense of some of the things that happens. Or if not BPD, then some other deep-seated personality malfunction.

Well, I need to start working on a game plan in the off chance that I hear from him again. Because I'm clearly still hooked.

[Learning Fast]

Shambles,

I've had something similar develop with my ex.  We parted in late June and she connected with my replacement in early July.  Throughout this time period she continues to refer to him as my "friend" although I know thru irrefutable means that he is much more than that.  It is a LDR so when she visits him (once or twice a month---he doesn't visit her) she basically drops out of sight for the weekend.  No mention of him on social media or really to anyone else.

Why (after 5 mos) does she portray the relationship this way?  As EM mentioned I feel that it is a stopgap/temporary arrangement to satisfy her needs until she meets someone where we live.  Additionally, I feel she wants to keep me tethered in orbit as a possible backstop.

More importantly---does it matter to me? No as I'm not interested in a recycle and would rather spend time on myself.  I think it is more the curiosity of observing ongoing BPD behavior (where we all have learned so much) that is interesting.

[steelwork]

first of all, congratulations.

Oh, and thanks! But there is no way she's not going to blackball me.

[shatra]

Shambles wrote---

I believe he loved me more. This girl is just not that great. Kind of a bad person, really boring and square. He said so himself many times. Who cares, I guess, but I'm quite sure he's settling.

----Yes I read about this often. ANd as Herodias wrote, they settle for someone who is in a lower position (either less attractive, less money, less whatever).   That replacement is less of an abandonment threat since they may be less likely to leave the BPD.  Or if they were to leave the BPD, the BPd wouldn't feel as upset as if they lost  a person with higher attributes.

---Sometimes they jump over to a replacement who is more of a "sure bet"---less appealing, but someone who they think won't leave them

---Even with these replacements, I don't recall many people writing that it lasts long-term with the replacement either. The BPD ends it eventually or the replacement does

[steelwork]

---Even with these replacements, I don't recall many people writing that it lasts long-term with the replacement either. The BPD ends it eventually or the replacement does

Well, they moved in together (with his kid, who does not like her... .) 2 weeks after I last heard from him. And before that he was sending me emails saying things like:

"Still on the treadmill. The incline gets steeper, but I can't get off. I suppose one day, right before I die, I'll regret not having lived according to some higher truth."

Blah blah. This was not in reference to anything--maybe he was thinking of his job, which he hates but won't leave, because -- FEAR OF ABANDONMENT? -- but it applies in general. He's melodramatically "settling" for some less bohemian, less artistic life. Which she fits in with. I bet he'll stick with her until they have a baby and then start hating each other. And even then, if his last marriage was any indication, he will stick with her, making her miserable, for another 7 or 8 years.

But... .WHO CARES?

I DO!

I MUST NOT CARE!

[once removed]

while more or less describing her as inferior, he is moving(moved) in with her. that is telling. actions vs words.

you had a two and a half year relationship, and are still in contact, do i have that right? is the contact casual, friendly? is it necessary?

But... .WHO CARES?

I DO!

I MUST NOT CARE!

you can tell yourself all day that you must not care. ever heard of that game where someone repeatedly tells you "dont think of an elephant, dont think of an elephant"?.

you care. its okay to care. its normal, its healthy to care, and it helps to talk about. their actions were understandably hurtful to you. what do you feel toward her, toward him, about what happened?

[steelwork]

Thank you, Once Removed, for the reality check.

No, I'm not in contact anymore. One last sarcastic email from him (lashing out suddenly), and then no response to my reply. That was in March. Then I wrote a short polite email in Ssptember to say I was shutting down our blog, got a short polite friendly response, left it at that. No contact since then, unless you count talking about him a bit with a mutual friend.

So--I done good, right?

But I am shaking even now, because I'm writing about him.

[once removed]

certainly you done good, shambles  . lack of drama on your end, thats psychological integrity in the face of painful stuff.

why do you shake while writing about him? is it stirring up something that should be explored, or do you feel its harmful and counter productive? no right or wrong answer; im the kind of person who likes to, and encourages venting in journal form, but i have seen lots of people kind of lose it in the process, get more upset, and it becomes counter productive. it sounds like you have been out of the relationship for a while, and it does become more productive to turn our focus to ourselves when we are ready.

[Herodias]

Shambles, I can relate... .I kind of feel the same way. I don't know how long my ex will last with his gf... .she is kind of crazy too. I think she is pregnant, so now if he really didn't want to stay with her, he may feel he has to! Why has he emailed me stating he has "feelings" and wanted to know if I do? I suppose he is bored with her and seeing if I still want to "play"... I am sure he can find someone else as he had so many during our marriage. I think we want to see the r/s fall apart to validate it was not us! I still am blaming myself! I still think if I would have acted differently it may have worked better! It is a victim mode feeing I know... .In my head I know it's not true, but in my heart I don't know... .I have been feeing heartbroken as we get closer to divorce. Crying more than ever! It's not that I want him back,,, I just want him to want me back! I want him to be unhappy with his new r/s and realize he messed up... .It still does;t change the fact that it's over. I am heartbroken he chose to cheat and move on... .part of me thinks he thinks he is punishing me for filing for divorce, but now she may be pregnant and that's it... .no turning back and no hope for him to work on himself ever with me... I just feel sad. I told him he broke my heart! He hasn't responded. I guess he feels shame... .I can only hope.

[steelwork]

I think we want to see the r/s fall apart to validate it was not us! 

Herodias, for what it's worth: just because a relationship lasts does not mean it's a good relationship. He could end up staying with her forever, but that does not mean she's "better" than you, or that they have a "better" relationship.

[shatra]

Removed wrote--

while more or less describing her as inferior, he is moving(moved) in with her. that is telling. actions vs words.

----The actions may match the words---he is moving in with someone inferior... .someone who is less of an abandonment threat, someone he can control more easily, etc.

[Joem678]

Maybe, the replacement isn't the one being idealized.  Before I came here, I always believed it was a guy that was being idealized.  As I read through many posts, I discovered someone who was married to a pwBPD who idealized a group of friends and devalued them after a few months.  And this fit perfectly with what my own pwBPD was doing.  It began with a 'smearing' campaign with friends and colleagues.  She would then be introduced to or "persuaded" to seeing someone else since I was this horrible monster.  I did see her idealizing a guy the last time.  She dropped him in a second. 

The more you read, the more the pieces of the puzzle will fit together.  It really also depends, what is going on in his life.  Maybe this friend also believes you deserve it. 

[steelwork]

certainly you done good, shambles  . lack of drama on your end, thats psychological integrity in the face of painful stuff.

Thank you. I am proud of this. I don't know now it seemed to him (maybe that I didn't care enough to make a scene, maybe that--in asking him to act like a mature person and talk--I WAS making a scene)... .

Unknowable.

I do know that, unlike him, my caring and friendship and respect was not conditional on whether we were having sex or not.

why do you shake while writing about him? is it stirring up something that should be explored, or do you feel its harmful and counter productive? no right or wrong answer; im the kind of person who likes to, and encourages venting in journal form, but i have seen lots of people kind of lose it in the process, get more upset, and it becomes counter productive. it sounds like you have been out of the relationship for a while, and it does become more productive to turn our focus to ourselves when we are ready.

I'm considering this. I have been focusing on myself: digging deep for a year now. And yet I still sometimes am  ambushed by those physical symptoms that were completely tormenting me for the first three months or so--the pounding heart, shaking hands. This was a really big deal for me... .much bigger than just a botched romance. I've been in crisis for a year. Maybe I should not be here on this site. Everyone else seems to find it helpful, though. I just don't know what to do, other than what I've been doing.

[once removed]

certainly you done good, shambles  . lack of drama on your end, thats psychological integrity in the face of painful stuff.

Thank you. I am proud of this. I don't know now it seemed to him (maybe that I didn't care enough to make a scene, maybe that--in asking him to act like a mature person and talk--I WAS making a scene)... .

Unknowable.

I do know that, unlike him, my caring and friendship and respect was not conditional on whether we were having sex or not.

why do you shake while writing about him? is it stirring up something that should be explored, or do you feel its harmful and counter productive? no right or wrong answer; im the kind of person who likes to, and encourages venting in journal form, but i have seen lots of people kind of lose it in the process, get more upset, and it becomes counter productive. it sounds like you have been out of the relationship for a while, and it does become more productive to turn our focus to ourselves when we are ready.

I'm considering this. I have been focusing on myself: digging deep for a year now. And yet I still sometimes am  ambushed by those physical symptoms that were completely tormenting me for the first three months or so--the pounding heart, shaking hands. This was a really big deal for me... .much bigger than just a botched romance. I've been in crisis for a year. Maybe I should not be here on this site. Everyone else seems to find it helpful, though. I just don't know what to do, other than what I've been doing.

there is no real timeline or "correct" way to heal, and its not uncommon for things to feel worse later as opposed to sooner, or to get stuck in a stage of grief. you say youve been in crisis for a year - can you elaborate beyond the physical symptoms or is that what you are referring to? have you considered seeing a therapist and/or a doctor? i saw a doctor at month five because in lots of ways i was getting worse.