Gutted

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Being a grown women with a S.T.E.M. degree, career, home, and hope, I know now that none of those things are a match for this. Untold suffering and confusion for 1 year, 1 month, 28 days. $$$$ spent on therapy, podcasts, books... .

The only light that I see right now is that I am not alone and I am not the first person in this funhouse.

I finally got this epiphany of BPD after Googling the Hell out of the circumstances this week. As I began to read, I thought, "This is similar to how I was when I was in my early 20s after a turbulent childhood". Awesome! If I 'grew' out of it with self-actualization, so could he!

I realize this was not my personal affliction when I was young. This is beyond my depths. I am tapping out.

I started smoking again after 6 years of being a healthy quitter last October, due to running out of coping skills with his insane behavior and confusing 'love'. Today is my quit date (smoking and crazy train). It had the death-blow last night for the last time. Out-of-the-Blue. Again.

I have an interview Monday for a potentially life-changing career opportunity. Self-preservation finally has kicked in.

I welcome any empathy given to me today; I have been without for so long.  :'(

JS

[JaneStorm]

Being a grown women with a S.T.E.M. degree, career, home, and hope, I know now that none of those things are a match for this. Untold suffering and confusion for 1 year, 1 month, 28 days. $$$$ spent on therapy, podcasts, books... .

The only light that I see right now is that I am not alone and I am not the first person in this funhouse.

I finally got this epiphany of BPD after Googling the Hell out of the circumstances this week. As I began to read, I thought, "This is similar to how I was when I was in my early 20s after a turbulent childhood". Awesome! If I 'grew' out of it with self-actualization, so could he!

I realize this was not my personal affliction when I was young. This is beyond my depths. I am tapping out.

I started smoking again after 6 years of being a healthy quitter last October, due to running out of coping skills with his insane behavior and confusing 'love'. Today is my quit date (smoking and crazy train). It had the death-blow last night for the last time. Out-of-the-Blue. Again.

I have an interview Monday for a potentially life-changing career opportunity. Self-preservation finally has kicked in.

I welcome any empathy given to me today; I have been without for so long.  :'(

JS

[juniorswailing]

Hello

Who is the person in your life that is affected.

[JaneStorm]

It is my boyfriend (ex). I am 48 yrs old and he is 52. He is much better at this than I am.

[juniorswailing]

I did the same as you.

I was concerned about aspects of her behaviour and started to dig about.

At the end I was emotionally drained and my health was suffering and that was after 4 months!

Read as much as you can here across all the boards. Lot of folk with a lot of experience.

I feel as though I could write a book after my brief dalliance with a BPD person!

[C.Stein]

Welcome to the funhouse.  

I am happy to hear you quit smoking.  Smoking sucks and stress definitely increases your desire to smoke.

I am happy to hear your sense of preservation has kicked in and you have the inner strength to do something about it.  These types of relationship are incredibly difficult to deal with and detach from.  You have our support in your journey away from the funhouse.  

[JaneStorm]

Welcome to the funhouse.  

I am happy to hear you quit smoking.  Smoking sucks and stress definitely increases your desire to smoke.

I am happy to hear your sense of preservation has kicked in and you have the inner strength to do something about it.  These types of relationship are incredibly difficult to deal with and detach from.  You have our support in your journey away from the funhouse.  

Thank you. It is so amazing you call it the funhouse; that is exactly how I have been describing this. He sees the world through a funhouse mirror filter and my scientific logic, codependent love, and Irish rage can't change any of it. I am so very, very grateful to be in good company. Just the responses that have been posted, bring me to tears because it's like I forgot what it is like to be treated kindly. These episodes were more and more frequent to the point of daily or a couple times a day. Like the movie, Something Wicked This Way Comes when the lightning strikes get closer and faster... .impending DOOM.

[C.Stein]

Thank you. It is so amazing you call it the funhouse; that is exactly how I have been describing this. He sees the world through a funhouse mirror filter and my scientific logic, codependent love, and Irish rage can't change any of it. I am so very, very grateful to be in good company. Just the responses that have been posted, bring me to tears because it's like I forgot what it is like to be treated kindly. These episodes were more and more frequent to the point of daily or a couple times a day. Like the movie, Something Wicked This Way Comes when the lightning strikes get closer and faster... .impending DOOM.

You will find many here share similar experiences.  My ex didn't dysregulate anywhere near the frequency your ex does.  It is one of the reasons I am having a very difficult time accepting the end of my personal funhouse adventure ... because much of it was actually enjoyable and fulfilling and well ... .I am in love with her.

You should have a somewhat easier time detaching given the frequency of seeing your ex displayed in the funhouse mirror.  I think it might make it easier to walk away from the insanity.  That is not to say it will be easy.  It may very well be one of the hardest things you have ever done but it will get better.  Believe in yourself and your ability to pierce the veil of the funhouse mirror and walk away secure in the knowledge you made the right decision.

You will also learn a lot about yourself here.  It will be a personal journey of realization and growth.  At times it will be difficult but you will persevere and come out the other side a stronger and more capable person.   Sometimes the most valuable lessons are learned from great emotional pain.  I am sincerely sorry you are going through this ... .I know how much it hurts.  

[JaneStorm]

I am embarrassed to say that this has similar tones to my last marriage that I ended around 8 years ago. The relationship lasted 5 years; married for 2. I likened him to a soul-eating alien wearing a human mask. The closer to the wedding, the more the mask would slip. The day before and the day after the wedding, it fell off and quickly replaced around our family and friends. He nearly strangled me to death and the decision became super easy. I spent those 6 years after getting him out in celibacy. He stalked me for 2 of those early years and then got a poor woman pregnant and now he is her problem. The ex-husband was more just plain NPD but, who knows! I don't want to be Dr. Phil every time I try to have a relationship.

I got LOTS of counseling after that divorce. I went outside in Nature with friends, became closer to my then-teen sons, learned to rock climb, kayak, Crossfit, travel, ride Ducati bikes, become the highest level of certification in my career, and essentially become the boyfriend to myself that I wanted. I dated myself!  It seems so long ago.

My older son (27 yrs old) reminds me that I was outstanding before meeting ":)anny" (my now ex-boyfriend) and I will be again.

I need to really examine my codependency issues though. I thought I had a handle on those. I will never let another person alter my perception of Reality. I will believe my lying eyes before their words.

[JaneStorm]

Thank you. It is so amazing you call it the funhouse; that is exactly how I have been describing this. He sees the world through a funhouse mirror filter and my scientific logic, codependent love, and Irish rage can't change any of it. I am so very, very grateful to be in good company. Just the responses that have been posted, bring me to tears because it's like I forgot what it is like to be treated kindly. These episodes were more and more frequent to the point of daily or a couple times a day. Like the movie, Something Wicked This Way Comes when the lightning strikes get closer and faster... .impending DOOM.

You will find many here share similar experiences.  My ex didn't dysregulate anywhere near the frequency your ex does.  It is one of the reasons I am having a very difficult time accepting the end of my personal funhouse adventure ... because much of it was actually enjoyable and fulfilling and well ... .I am in love with her.

You should have a somewhat easier time detaching given the frequency of seeing your ex displayed in the funhouse mirror.  I think it might make it easier to walk away from the insanity.  That is not to say it will be easy.  It may very well be one of the hardest things you have ever done but it will get better.  Believe in yourself and your ability to pierce the veil of the funhouse mirror and walk away secure in the knowledge you made the right decision.

You will also learn a lot about yourself here.  It will be a personal journey of realization and growth.  At times it will be difficult but you will persevere and come out the other side a stronger and more capable person.   Sometimes the most valuable lessons are learned from great emotional pain.  I am sincerely sorry you are going through this ... .I know how much it hurts.  

I understand being in love. I was going to continue this dance until his episodes just went warp speed and there was no significant span of quiet. Over time, I will write all of the indignities down on these boards, look at them, and say to myself "Who was that woman? I would never want my friends or sons to be treated like that! She deserved better... .oh, wait! That was me."

He tells me, "you can tell I am in love with you and ready to build a life by how insecure I am becoming!" Uh, What the heck? No.

[C.Stein]

He tells me, "you can tell I am in love with you and ready to build a life by how insecure I am becoming!" Uh, What the heck? No.

Now that is an Interesting and disturbing perception of himself. 

[JaneStorm]

He tells me, "you can tell I am in love with you and ready to build a life by how insecure I am becoming!" Uh, What the heck? No.

Now that is an Interesting and disturbing perception of himself. 

Yes; that was when I started to finally realize he is twisted badly. My research brought me here.

[lovenature]

Read and learn how serious a mental illness BPD really is, understand it has nothing to do with you and all to do with the pwBPD; sadly, the more you love them, the more you are pushed away. Focus on why you stayed as long as you did and accepted what you did; most of us have co-dependant traits and while it is extremely painful to accept, it is where healing begins.

I know how you feel, one day at a time, when going through hell-keep going. 

[JaneStorm]

Read and learn how serious a mental illness BPD really is, understand it has nothing to do with you and all to do with the pwBPD; sadly, the more you love them, the more you are pushed away. Focus on why you stayed as long as you did and accepted what you did; most of us have co-dependant traits and while it is extremely painful to accept, it is where healing begins.

I know how you feel, one day at a time, when going through hell-keep going. 

I recite that saying often to myself!

I know I need to find the fissure that let's men like that hook on to my star. Going to a new therapist today that specializes in these types of issues. Thanks for the support. 

[lovenature]

I have struggled with low self esteem for many years, through learning on this site I have come to realize my FOO issues have factored in significantly; very painful to process.

My relationship with my uBPDexgf lasted far longer than it should have, for me it was the needy victim/fixer rescuer co-dependency dynamic that was so powerful; the FOG was so thick I am astonished how unclearly I saw things.

[JaneStorm]

I have struggled with low self esteem for many years, through learning on this site I have come to realize my FOO issues have factored in significantly; very painful to process.

My relationship with my uBPDexgf lasted far longer than it should have, for me it was the needy victim/fixer rescuer co-dependency dynamic that was so powerful; the FOG was so thick I am astonished how unclearly I saw things.

Exactly. I know that I need to start at the beginning. The fact that I am willing to do the work leaves me with no doubt that I will be ok. I have been in this situation before in different frequencies and I grew each time. I will grow again.

[troisette]

Good luck for your interview Jane. Don't let him run or rule your life. It may seem like a perverse funhouse, it's not, with perspective it's a madhouse and you are better off seeking the exit.

[JaneStorm]

Good luck for your interview Jane. Don't let him run or rule your life. It may seem like a perverse funhouse, it's not, with perspective it's a madhouse and you are better off seeking the exit.

Thank you! I agree with you. I found the door out of the madhouse and I really did step out. I love him, pitty him, and wish him peace. I have so many good friends and good things coming in my career. I would LOVE to share my bounty with someone but it is not mandatory. Someone needs good things to bring to my table and I will continue to just set my own table

[JaneStorm]

Thank you. It is so amazing you call it the funhouse; that is exactly how I have been describing this. He sees the world through a funhouse mirror filter and my scientific logic, codependent love, and Irish rage can't change any of it. I am so very, very grateful to be in good company. Just the responses that have been posted, bring me to tears because it's like I forgot what it is like to be treated kindly. These episodes were more and more frequent to the point of daily or a couple times a day. Like the movie, Something Wicked This Way Comes when the lightning strikes get closer and faster... .impending DOOM.

You will find many here share similar experiences.  My ex didn't dysregulate anywhere near the frequency your ex does.  It is one of the reasons I am having a very difficult time accepting the end of my personal funhouse adventure ... because much of it was actually enjoyable and fulfilling and well ... .I am in love with her.

You should have a somewhat easier time detaching given the frequency of seeing your ex displayed in the funhouse mirror.  I think it might make it easier to walk away from the insanity.  That is not to say it will be easy.  It may very well be one of the hardest things you have ever done but it will get better.  Believe in yourself and your ability to pierce the veil of the funhouse mirror and walk away secure in the knowledge you made the right decision.

You will also learn a lot about yourself here.  It will be a personal journey of realization and growth.  At times it will be difficult but you will persevere and come out the other side a stronger and more capable person.   Sometimes the most valuable lessons are learned from great emotional pain.  I am sincerely sorry you are going through this ... .I know how much it hurts.  

I feel so fortunate to have found these boards. I know I will be transferring many of feelings of neediness here. He texted this morning telling me how much he misses me and wishing me well on my interview; asking to let him know how it went. Passive aggressive sabotage (DON'T FORGET ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE) 

If I were willing to contact him (and I am not), I would say that he only misses the "IDEA" of Me and can't stand the Reality of Me. Furthermore, same with me. I only miss the promise of him, not what he actually is.

I was very active and positive this weekend, but I would get pangs of grief wanting to share an experience with him. Then my little voice would say, ":)o you really? How would that actually turn out?" Then I snapped out of it.

[juniorswailing]

That's what I do in the moments I have that I think it might have worked, although those are getting further and further apart.

I remember just how bad it was at the end and although the start was good it didn't last long.

[JaneStorm]

That's what I do in the moments I have that I think it might have worked, although those are getting further and further apart.

I remember just how bad it was at the end and although the start was good it didn't last long.

I broke my NC after my excellent job interview. He called to see how it went.

*Sidebar - I love my brother and texted him (and many supportive friends) about my good news only to be met with, "good for you, my prospects are very grim... ." Crash.

The day before, called my BPD mom and she tried to tell me how I will be sorry if I try to change jobs and get paid my worth and why can't I just settle where I am at and oh, can I have money? I am penniless and you should care for me... .I set myself up for the rest of the evening. Always seeking approval from empty people. I need to learn.

So, my BPDex was treading lightly and I went at him hard on the phone and really said all the things I tip-toed around during the relationship. Not to hurt him but to really try to say out loud FOR ME that I am getting off of the crazy train. I am tired of the reruns of bad relationships and I am really dissecting that part of myself.

He was as close to compassion and remorse as I ever heard, but I did not care. I told him I was not going to soothe him, I did not see him as a monster, or a fixer upper project. I have good things coming and he is not part of it. He is destructive to himself and me.

I then asked if he'd been diagnosed with any letters. He said he never stayed in any type of counseling long enough to be evaluated. I just laid it on the line and sent him the BPD for Dummies version of an article found here. I told him that it does not matter to me whether he reflects on this or not. I have a negative Pavlovian response to his voice now.

He groveled about how so very sorry he was. I thanked him and asked him to re-read the venom he sent to me last week, look in the mirror, and see if that is how he wants to continue his life. I don't want the answer, that is for him.

I told him I am familiar with the pattern of "he meant it at the time", only to see the ugliness again.

I told him that I am aware of my traumatic past and I am going to deal with it but will not be around someone that is repeating many of the things that I am trying to reconcile in therapy. I said it may be familiar, but it is not healthy. New Year, New way forward. My melt-down/outburst scared him. He has never heard me like that.

Today, I am emotionally hungover.

[C.Stein]

Today, I am emotionally hungover.

Sometimes I feel like I have been emotionally exhausted for nearly two years.

[JaneStorm]

Today, I am emotionally hungover.

Sometimes I feel like I have been emotionally exhausted for nearly two years.

Ever wonder what positive things we could have accomplished with all of that energy and focus wasted on them? I have amazing accomplishments in spite of surrounding myself with family and lovers like this but I should be so much more. 

[C.Stein]

Ever wonder what positive things we could have accomplished with all of that energy and focus wasted on them?

You know, at times I have wondered that.  I have spent so much time agonizing over her, accomplishing nothing, that it makes me sick to think of it.  In the beginning of our relationship I also sacrificed a lot of my time to keep her happy ... .to my professional detriment.

The combination of c-PTSD, anxiety, stress and depression this year has resulted in me leaving a substantial amount of money "on the table".  This is my fault, not hers, at least not directly.  It really is sad how I have allowed her to negatively impact me on so many different levels ... .and still am.   

[JaneStorm]

Ever wonder what positive things we could have accomplished with all of that energy and focus wasted on them?

You know, at times I have wondered that.  I have spent so much time agonizing over her, accomplishing nothing, that it makes me sick to think of it.  In the beginning of our relationship I also sacrificed a lot of my time to keep her happy ... .to my professional detriment.

The combination of c-PTSD, anxiety, stress and depression this year has resulted in me leaving a substantial amount of money "on the table".  This is my fault, not hers, at least not directly.  It really is sad how I have allowed her to negatively impact me on so many different levels ... .and still am.   

You are in good company, Brother. 

[juniorswailing]

I feel as though I was hit with an emotional express train.

Even now, 3 weeks out of it all (and it was only 4 months), I can't believe what happened to me.

I'm a strong, financially secure, confident man and I was still hit for 6 but 'something' and I still don't know exactly what it was. Well, I do but I don't know how I allowed it.

[blackbirdsong]

I feel as though I was hit with an emotional express train.

Even now, 3 weeks out of it all (and it was only 4 months), I can't believe what happened to me.

I'm a strong, financially secure, confident man and I was still hit for 6 but 'something' and I still don't know exactly what it was. Well, I do but I don't know how I allowed it.

I would start questioning that confidence. Talking from my own experience. 

[juniorswailing]

LOL.

No, I am/was/still am.

I had a wobble for a few months but I'm out the other end and back to my own self.