Was the beginning worth the ending?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Was the beginning worth the ending?

On a scale of 1 to 10; how would you rate the intensity!

Rate:

Idealization phase

Devaluation phase

Repeat Cycle

answer yes or no

Yes/No:

Do it all over again from the start, changing your behavior; knowing what you know now?

[Should I stay or...]

Was the beginning worth the ending?

On a scale of 1 to 10; how would you rate the intensity!

Rate:

Idealization phase

Devaluation phase

Repeat Cycle

answer yes or no

Yes/No:

Do it all over again from the start, changing your behavior; knowing what you know now?

[blackbirdsong]

Was the beginning worth the ending?

On a scale of 1 to 10; how would you rate the intensity!

Rate:

Idealization phase

Devaluation phase

Repeat Cycle

answer yes or no

Yes/No:

Do it all over again from the start, changing your behavior; knowing what you know now?

Idealization 10

Devaluation 9

No - I consider this as a life lesson.

[Rg120]

Idealization    10

Devaluation   698


Would I do it over again?  I want to say no, but know deep down that I'd change nothing and would do it all over again expecting different results.  Because I'm addicted to her.

[hopealways]

If I knew I would never meet another BPD I would have rather NEVER met her. But the reality is this IS a life lesson for us in so many ways notably to avoid emotionally unhealthy and unavailable people.  Sooner or later we will meet a BPD and without knowing about the disorder we would have fallen for another one. So better learn sooner rather than later.

[FannyB]

Idealization 10

Devaluation 9

Do I regret the relationship? No, as I suffered less than many and remembering the good times makes me smile. It was an awesome life lesson and, bs or not, the idealisation phase was something truly wonderful to go through. So would I take her back? Hell no. She has no emotional resilience and I really can't be arsed with all that now the illusion of perfection has been well and truly shattered. 


Fanny

[once removed]

we fought so much in our first three months, i attempted a break up several times, it is impossible for me to say the beginning was worth the ending. that is not to say i would change anything, just the way i see things.

its hard for me to score idealization vs devaluation. there was too much too soon, but the idealization wasnt THAT over the top, and i was about half a step or so behind her as i told her i could see myself marrying her within a month or two. the fighting and devaluation were at least as present, maybe more.

idealization: 6

devaluation: 7

would i change anything/do it all over again? i certainly have regrets both in terms of how i handled things, and getting into a relationship i had misgivings about. i think though, that it was all more or less meant to be, and it was meant to end. change would likely mean that i ended it; i didnt have the strength to end it, and the way that it did end took it out of my hands, and maybe she suffered less than she otherwise might have. im okay with that.

[steve195915]

idealization: 10

devaluation: 10

Would I do it again?  hmmm. The beginning was like a dream, the most beautiful woman that showed me so much love, sex was the unbelievably amazing. Then the verbal abuse, the lies, being recycled.  Yeah, I probably would do it again but I would hope I am smart enough to reognize the BPD and not let myself get addicted and not allow her to isolate me from my friends. 

[juniorswailing]

idealization: 10

devaluation: 10

Would I do it again?  hmmm. The beginning was like a dream, the most beautiful woman that showed me so much love, sex was the unbelievably amazing. Then the verbal abuse, the lies, being recycled.  Yeah, I probably would do it again but I would hope I am smart enough to reognize the BPD and not let myself get addicted and not allow her to isolate me from my friends. 

Almost the same for me although, as much as I did (do) love her, I wouldn't go through it again.

[Michelle27]

Idealization: 9

Devaluation: Also 9

No, in no way was it worth it. I now realize the idealization was never real, or at least as real as it felt at the time.  And for me anyway, having it be not what I thought it was makes it not worth it.

[cosmonaut]

For me, yes.  It was.

There was not a clear cut idealization and devaluation stage.  There was more a growing gulf of silence.  Of withdrawing.  It wasn't, for me, about being devalued.  My ex runs.  She has all her life.  It's what she does when she's scared or hurt or overwhelmed.  She doesn't know what else to do.

Yes.  I would do it over again if I could.  There are so many things I would change.  More than anything I'd be accepting and spend more time treasuring our time together instead of obsessing and worrying about things that in retrospect matter very little - especially her need to withdraw sometimes.

[Emelie Emelie]

No way. The pain I've gone through?  No way.

[hashtag_loyal]

Idealization before the b/u: 6

Idealization post b/u: 10

I broke up with her before we ever reached the devaluation stage. I'd say I'd need to take her back before she would ever devalue me at this point.

She's been getting more frantic the longer we've been post b/u. Way way way more intense with her longing for me now than even during the "honeymoon" phase, which is why I broke things out like that. Not sure if that is helpful or not.

Do it all over again? Hell. No.

[steelwork]

Idealization: 11

Devaluation: ? Ongoing. Some fourth dimension factorial irrational number.

Would I do it again? no no no no no

[once removed]

if "would i do it again" means would i recycle now, at this point, no.

[Herodias]

10-10.  No, not worth the wasted years and pain and suffering.

[musherx]

Idealization = 10

Devaluation = 56789

I wish I never met her. None of the good times were worth the soul rape I went through. It still hurts.

[ScotisGone74]

Is a perfect sunrise today worth a fiery car crash tomorrow?   NOoo.

Idealization phase: 10

Devaluation phase :7

No way in hell I would do it again, I would rather eat cat sh!t with a knit needle at ryker s island than to do that again.    There have been no recycles, there wont be , everything has been blocked since the ending. 

In my case the idealiztion phase was fairly lengthy, about a year, and the devaluation stage was a lot more subtle and fairly short, she just jumped into another relationship , got married and pregnant right about two months after discarding me.  

That being said Im now about three years post break up, I ve learned alot about myself, my upbringing, and about life,  I just wished I didnt have to have figured it out due to a Bpd relationship.      Peace

[Should I stay or...]

Idealization phase 10

Devaluation phase 8

Yes, the beginning was worth the ending for me... .I wish she'd contact me even though we haven't spoken in 4 months. I will not contact her, however, if she wants me I would reply. I continue to learn more about myself everyday and I would be a better partner. Maybe, she's improving her mental well-being too, that would be my wish. Make it so!

[reachingoutuk]

I do not think that any amount of happiness or idealisation in my life will ever come anywhere near to outweigh the misery, pain, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, depression, & all round negativity I have experienced due to my sham of a relationship with that woman.

[kc sunshine]

Idealization: 9

Devaluation: jumps around from 5-10.

Ugh. I don't know. I still feel attached to the idealization stage-- it felt like hitting the sweet spot of life. But I am in the devaluation stage (there's been two kinds of devaluation-- the first was very angry but wanting to be with me; the second is less angry but discarding). This is super painful but the other was wonderful. I'm looking forward to being able to find something more balanced between those lows and highs-- in me and in a potential partner. 

[thisworld]

idealization: 10 (but because I didn't voice any needs so I guess it would be lower if I presented myself more fully)

devaluation: 6

I'm not sure about the devaluation phase, I experienced lies and emotional cheating and narcissist/passive aggressive attacks a lot, then one rage towards the end and ended this rather quickly, in a matter of two months. Problems started as soon as I had a single need. So, I believe even the idealization was made possible through my own actions to a degree.

No, I wouldn't start over.

EVEN my NARCISSISTIC mother says it's not worth it and nothing good will ever come out of it. She said, "use this experience and exhilaration you had in the beginning as a tool to understand what you expect from men and look for something similar in someone else, but not this guy") I also know that healthy people do not have behaviours that make us feel so exhilarated because abusive people have different mechanisms that serve to compensate for their hurtful behaviour. A healthy male wouldn't give me so much exhilaration because he wouldn't hurt me this much, either. So maybe, I should stop looking for that crazy high and appreciate the calm, balanced, consistent love some people can offer - and in this, maybe I'm similar to the borderline to a degree but way, way less. It's simply not worth it. Becoming a cocaine addict would damage me less in the long run, seriously:))

His emotional damage tactics, especially invalidation, is listed on psychopathic abuse websites on a sentence basis. No, no no.   

[kc sunshine]

I think it would be yes, except that I stuck around too long after she broke up with me so I had to witness all kinds of bad behavior.

[jo19854]

It has been a while since i posted. (in my profile is the actual information about what happened, it's bizar)  I read a lot on this site and i am trying to understand what happened to me, to us. Before we got married i knew her for over 8 years. The beginning was intense and love concoured all, and it stayed that way. Our relationship was tested over and over due to circumstances,  we had to deal with so much in life. But we managed. We got married in my country (EU) and it was a big step. I give the whole stage a 10 if it was about the feelings we shared. We always stayed working for a good outcome.  After 2 years of marriage and after receiving a chemo therapy for a whole year during that time one day i come home from work and she was gone. Only a small note with no explanation. She left the country and went to US. I never ever heard from her again. She never ever replied to any of my emails despite the fact she wrote in her note i could email her.

There was withdrawl and apathy. Doctors told me it was side effects of treatment. Now i have my doubts. Maybe it was devaluation, maybe not.

Being abandoned like this, coming home and find an empty house. Devaluation? i have no clue.

Reading and sharing information with some specialists and doctors brings me to the conclusion i am dealing with BL traits.

It's devastating for me. I can do all the work for divorce and all horrible legal matters, so painfull. She's almost gone for 2 years. It's still killing me every day. For me she was worth fighting for, she still is. But i feel like swimming in a sinkhole all alone.

The beginning was worth everything, but the ending? I don't know. I have to end it with nothing else to hold on to as what i suspect ... ."I will never know why it ended".

But even that is not certain because "When will you know you will never hear from her again.?"

Friends tell me "Let it go". Why can't I? But the answer is simple. I still love her and i wish it wasn't so.