Expecting them back after NC

[burritoman]

Have any of you completely expected them to come back after a period of NC and they DID end up trying to come back? I'm going on one month of NC with my ex, which I started basically the second we broke up. She said a number of things to me during that final call that were very contradictory. "I need space." "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" "I want to be healthy if I were to want to return to this some day." "If you don't give me what I want I'm going to make you miserable by cheating on you and telling you all about it." It was harsh but contradictory, almost as if she really didn't know what she wanted. She was trying to push me away.

I mentioned this in another post, but she left behind quite a bit of stuff up here, which I can't determine is either a leave-behind or just her laziness. We've broken up twice before, and both of those times she said immediately that she was going to come up and get her things. The second time she came crying back to me and I caved. This time, however, she's made no mention of her possessions.

I guess this is the impossible question, but after one month of NC, when can you actually expect them to try and come back versus they themselves moving on with no intention of returning? In the mean time, I've been working on myself and moving on, keeping in the back of my mind that she may try again.

[JaneStorm]

The time before this last time of last night (about 1.5 weeks ago) when he pulled that drama and then the "I will be by this weekend to get my stuff" hook, I made him take it all. The times before that, I would have him take little things away but this last time was the big stuff; table saws, motorcycle. He does not live with me and I am not a storage unit. The stuff is the hook. I know with his ex, he waited over a year to go get his crap, which he promptly stored at my house.    The point of my story is they seem to leave little hooks wherever they go so they can climb through that small window back into your brain. Can you carefully gather it and deliver it to where she is staying or to her close friend or family member?

[burritoman]

Well, therein lies the problem. We DO have a storage unit. I've illustrated my backstory here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286882.msg12703001#msg12703001

One thing worth mentioning is that over the past few weeks I've been taking more things from my home into storage, which was already full of her things. So presumably, in her mind all of that stuff is still in my home, and she knows she'll have to go through it.

[JaneStorm]

Well, therein lies the problem. We DO have a storage unit. I've illustrated my backstory here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286882.msg12703001#msg12703001

One thing worth mentioning is that over the past few weeks I've been taking more things from my home into storage, which was already full of her things. So presumably, in her mind all of that stuff is still in my home, and she knows she'll have to go through it.

Are you the one paying on the unit?

[burritoman]

Yep.

[burritoman]

I guess my point is that she hasn't made a real effort to cut me out of her life, which is uncharacteristic of her. It's driving me crazy trying to determine if she's officially done or just out roaming for a bit. Not saying that I will take her back if she tries, but this limbo state is kind of rattling my brain. I feel like I'm preparing.

[JaneStorm]

I guess my point is that she hasn't made a real effort to cut me out of her life, which is uncharacteristic of her. It's driving me crazy trying to determine if she's officially done or just out roaming for a bit. Not saying that I will take her back if she tries, but this limbo state is kind of rattling my brain. I feel like I'm preparing.

Yes; it is unnerving when they 'change the script'. Just when you think you got the pattern down... .

[hopealways]

Mine came back to me within 1-2 months after every breakup (about  50 times). This time it has been 4.5 months so who knows. But she left saying she's sorry.  They usually come back especially if you were really amazing to them because you are a high source of ego boost.

[steve195915]

Mine tends to leave things or keeps things of mine to keep some sort of attachment.  As far as coming back, it seems to depend on their other options and how they are working out.  If they have no other options set up its usually a few weeks or days, if they get in another relationship it depends on how long the other person can take it.  Usually the pwBPD can only act normal for a few months before their true nature surfaces.  It also depends on the extent of their mental illness and the extent of their abnormal behaviors.

[once removed]

hey burritoman  

this is one time i can think of that my gut was wrong. it told me id hear from her at one month, three months, six months... .shed left belongings behind too, so that added to the gut feeling.

its been just short of five years, and she never directly contacted me. saw her name on my house phone caller ID once, and twice got a friend request on facebook that was retracted within hours. not at all what i expected; expectation kept me stuck, too.

In the mean time, I've been working on myself and moving on, keeping in the back of my mind that she may try again.

[JaneStorm]

Mine tends to leave things or keeps things of mine to keep some sort of attachment.  As far as coming back, it seems to depend on their other options and how they are working out.  If they have no other options set up its usually a few weeks or days, if they get in another relationship it depends on how long the other person can take it.  Usually the pwBPD can only act normal for a few months before their true nature surfaces.  It also depends on the extent of their mental illness and the extent of their abnormal behaviors.

They reach put to others when punishing their partners too.

[burritoman]

Mine came back to me within 1-2 months after every breakup (about  50 times). This time it has been 4.5 months so who knows. But she left saying she's sorry.  They usually come back especially if you were really amazing to them because you are a high source of ego boost.

She texted me some similar things. "I'm sorry, I know I'm hurting you." "I need this space to grow," to which I ignored. Out of curiosity, in your situation when she would leave for 1-2 months at a time, did she leave implying it was completely over? Were you in NC? The first two times we broke up we were still it pretty regular contact. We have never gone a month of radio silence before.

[burritoman]

I need to stress that we're talking about quite a bit of things here, so much that if she never came to get these things I could fully furnish my new apartment once I move. It will take a Uhaul to transport it all. I can understand leaving behind some shirts, pictures, minor material items, etc., but not a whole storage unit's worth of things. Especially expensive Christmas presents, kitchenware, cutlery, etc.

[hopealways]

Mine came back to me within 1-2 months after every breakup (about  50 times). This time it has been 4.5 months so who knows. But she left saying she's sorry.  They usually come back especially if you were really amazing to them because you are a high source of ego boost.

She texted me some similar things. "I'm sorry, I know I'm hurting you." "I need this space to grow," to which I ignored. Out of curiosity, in your situation when she would leave for 1-2 months at a time, did she leave implying it was completely over? Were you in NC? The first two times we broke up we were still it pretty regular contact. We have never gone a month of radio silence before.

Yes we were in NC during each of these 1-2 months.  She would yell, scream and leave.  I assumed it meant she wouldn't ever come back but she always did. This last time (4.5 months ago) she never said goodbye, she just said sorry. I guess they don't want full closure because they know they can come back.

[once removed]

burritoman, we were talking a couple thousand dollars worth of items in my case; it included items belonging to dead relatives. im not sure that it matters. is it a means to leave the door open? it might be. it might not be.

the question becomes whether or not you expect contact and how you will react if it happens.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I also expect my ex back, but I'm not sure how realistic that is at this point.  We were NC for about 6 weeks after the breakup, and he materialized again at a party and followed me around like a sad puppy until I talked to him, after which he began flirting with me, talking about sexual topics, etc.  A week later I saw him again and he triggered and painted me black.  He threatened me with a PPO if I ever talk to him again.

Now it's been seven weeks since that, and he appears to be very unsatisfied with his life since he blew things up that second time.  From the little I can see on social media, it seems like he's been grasping at straws to try to replace his lost social life.  He won't go to any gatherings of our mutual friends because I might come and trigger him.  He hasn't found a new group of friends to spend time with, there is no replacement, and other interests that he had pursued in his life have dropped off as well.  I can tell he's becoming very frustrated with his inability to replace me, and he's checking up on my friends and I on social media several times per day for the last few days -- sometimes every hour!

He is an incredibly stubborn person who can't take responsibility for anything that goes wrong, so I am sure that he blames his entire situation on me.  However, I wonder how long it will be expedient for him to do this, because as long as he paints me black and imagines me evil, he is powerless to change the situation and is stuck at home eating Taco Bell with his cats.  I have sensed lately that he is stuck in an impasse between taking responsibility (and coming back) or trying to replace the whole lot of us.  I suspect that time will break him down and he'll have to face the fact that he made his bed and is lying in it, but wow, what a slow grind.

I can't swear that I'd never take him back, but because I have literally zero control over the situation and he may never return, I'm assuming the worst on this one.

[SummerStorm]

I pretty much always expect mine to come back.  She told me last week that she basically talks to no one, so during times when she is in between relationships or when she wants to leave one but doesn't have a replacement lined up, she will come back to me, I'm sure.  That being said, I haven't even seen her since June.

This last discard feels pretty final, but this was the first time we were friends on Facebook, so it's the first time that she's been able to block me on there.  I know she blocked my calls and texts before.  Her ex is still blocked, after three months.  It really doesn't take much to bring her back, though.  With each discard, it gets easier for me because I pretty much expect the discard and then the eventual recycle.  Will it happen this time?  Who knows?  I refuse to block her on anything, just in case she needs to reach me for some serious reason, like notifying me of another suicide attempt or something similar.  This last discard wasn't really angry or anything, and she doesn't publicly smear people, so I'm not worried.  

I'm always going to be a bit different.  First of all, none of our arguments were online, so if she talks to me again, none of her friends will really notice that it's weird.  Secondly, she has this fairy tale image of love but has never gotten the chance to see if she could make it work with me, as we were only friends who had a brief affair.  She told me back in June that we would never get together (at this point, I wouldn't let it happen anyway), but I'm pretty sure I was being set up as a replacement this last time.  Her dream life with me included a house and cats.  Well, I just bought a house and adopted two cats.  I'm sure there's a big part of her that hates the fact that I'm living our dream without her.

She's friends with some exes on Facebook and not with others.  This year, as a whole, has been terrible for her (has lived four places, has had two jobs, has gone through four boyfriends, attempted suicide, and can now barely pay her electric bill each month), and I've noticed that she isn't friends with any of her exes from this year.  Now, that could certainly change in the future.  She is concerned most about her image and also likes to be the one who leaves.  The first guy broke up with her and then made a comment about her ending their friendship as well, which she replied to.  The second guy commented on a Facebook post of hers and brought up saving her life and being thanked by having her replace him so soon.  This was after he also called the cops on her, for stealing from him.  The third guy cheated on her, and she posted about it.  Again, I'm different.  She didn't like or comment on any of my posts, and she didn't reply to one that I tagged her in.  So, I doubt most people even noticed that she and I were friends for a week.  This would certainly make it easier for her to try to reconnect with me again.  

She never lets me have the final word, which I think leaves everything open to her.  This last goodbye was very quick.  She replied to my text, and within seconds, I was blocked on everything.    

[SummerStorm]

Mine came back to me within 1-2 months after every breakup (about  50 times). This time it has been 4.5 months so who knows. But she left saying she's sorry.  They usually come back especially if you were really amazing to them because you are a high source of ego boost.

She texted me some similar things. "I'm sorry, I know I'm hurting you." "I need this space to grow," to which I ignored. Out of curiosity, in your situation when she would leave for 1-2 months at a time, did she leave implying it was completely over? Were you in NC? The first two times we broke up we were still it pretty regular contact. We have never gone a month of radio silence before.

Yes we were in NC during each of these 1-2 months.  She would yell, scream and leave.  I assumed it meant she wouldn't ever come back but she always did. This last time (4.5 months ago) she never said goodbye, she just said sorry. I guess they don't want full closure because they know they can come back.

Even when mine says goodbye, she comes back.  Like everything else with her, "goodbye" is a feeling, and feelings=facts.

June - "I don't want you in my life anymore.  Goodbye."

July - "Thank you for your friendship, but please don't contact me.  Love always, A." 

August - ":)o you have a room for rent?"

September - "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."

September - "You're crazy.  I don't want to be friends with you."

September - Calls and texts blocked

November - Resumed contact, became friends on Facebook

December - "This obviously isn't working.  Bye."

December - Calls and texts blocked, blocked on Facebook

[GreenEyedMonster]

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously? 

I have never gotten an apology, but after accusing me of stalking him, my ex began talking very loudly about where he lives and where he spends his time in front of me the second time he saw me, as if to clarify that he didn't think I was a stalker.  He often seems quite embarrassed about the way he behaves when his anxiety is high.  I wonder if that is what is keeping him from returning right now.

My theory is that they stay away in proportion to how badly they believe they treated us in the last round.

[steve195915]

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously? 

I have never gotten an apology, but after accusing me of stalking him, my ex began talking very loudly about where he lives and where he spends his time in front of me the second time he saw me, as if to clarify that he didn't think I was a stalker.  He often seems quite embarrassed about the way he behaves when his anxiety is high.  I wonder if that is what is keeping him from returning right now.

My theory is that they stay away in proportion to how badly they believe they treated us in the last round.

Your theory has some merits.  In addition to how badly they treated you, it's also how they perceive you are feeling.  If they think you are angry they may stay away longer and then make subtle contacts to see how you respond. 

[C.Stein]

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously?

Avoidance every single time.  She would usually apologize (sincere or not) and then pretend like nothing ever happened.    She never showed any concern for my feelings or emotional wellbeing following something she did that hurt me, other than the initial sad face when she saw how upset and hurt I was.  She would usually sink into a depression and start the victim routine in order to make it about her.  This was a very childlike response.  

She would have had to be blind at times not to see I was still hurting from something she did.  She would plug on like everything was normal and nothing had ever happened.

There have been no apologies, no sign of remorse or guilt or feelings at all from my ex since the final discard.  She has by all appearances completed deleted me from her life and wants nothing to do with me anymore.   I have become a waste of time and space and she will no longer waste any of her time or life on me.

[Fr4nz]

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously?  

I have never gotten an apology, but after accusing me of stalking him, my ex began talking very loudly about where he lives and where he spends his time in front of me the second time he saw me, as if to clarify that he didn't think I was a stalker.  He often seems quite embarrassed about the way he behaves when his anxiety is high.  I wonder if that is what is keeping him from returning right now.

My theory is that they stay away in proportion to how badly they believe they treated us in the last round.

Your theory has some merits.  In addition to how badly they treated you, it's also how they perceive you are feeling.  If they think you are angry they may stay away longer and then make subtle contacts to see how you respond.  

I think the same as well. Almost 10 months of NC and not a single peep from her. I was one of the most important partners she had in her life... .

Guess that the more the damage they know they inflicted, the more the shame to face and thus it's better to lock that in some corner of their mind.

[SummerStorm]

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously? 

I have never gotten an apology, but after accusing me of stalking him, my ex began talking very loudly about where he lives and where he spends his time in front of me the second time he saw me, as if to clarify that he didn't think I was a stalker.  He often seems quite embarrassed about the way he behaves when his anxiety is high.  I wonder if that is what is keeping him from returning right now.

My theory is that they stay away in proportion to how badly they believe they treated us in the last round.

Interesting question, and one I've thought about often.  

When she comes back, I never get an apology.  The first time, the first text I received was, "Hi."  The second time, I got, "You really think my smiled never touched my eyes?"  This was in response to something she read on my Facebook timeline.  

About two weeks before she contacted me, she randomly removed her location and where she works from Facebook.  She didn't make them private.  She took them off completely.  I figured it was because a mutual friend asked where she worked and she assumed it was because she was trying to find out the information so she could pass it along to me.  This wasn't the case at all, and that information had been public for months anyway.  When I was painted white again, she mentioned work and her apartment, but she didn't mention where she works or where she lives.  Now, she had told me where she was moving to, so I knew this, but I'm sure she forgot that she told me.  

She told me that she doesn't want to talk about the past.  Whenever I would bring up anything that reminded her of her past actions, she didn't want to talk about it.  Since I was a part of all of that, I actually asked her if I remind her of the past.  She never replied.  

I think mine also stays away longer when she realizes that she really did treat the person badly.  She almost caused her ex to lose his house.  He saved her life, and she ended up breaking up with him.  She physically abused him.  She convinced him that she wanted to move across the country with him and live with her parents, and then she decided not to.  Her stepdad had a job lined up for him.  She borrowed money from him and never paid him back.  Later, she stole from him.  If she ever contacts him again, it won't be for a very long time.  With him, she's painted herself black.

On the other hand, she always blames me for everything, so she tends to punish me by blocking me.  Then, she comes back when she feels I've been punished enough.  With me, she paints me black.  

Generally speaking, she seems to test the water first, before actually making contact.  In July, instead of texting me or e-mailing me, she sent me a card.  It was more personal, but it also eliminated the possibility of a quick reply from me.  She told me not to contact her again.  I decided to text her, to thank her for the card.  She replied.  My words were kind, and so she knew I wasn't mad at her.  A few weeks later, she felt that it would be okay if she contacted me again.  Last week, she checked out my Facebook timeline, to see if I mentioned her at all.  She found a post that was clearly about her, and it showed that I clearly wasn't mad at her.  So, she texted me.  

She is pretty aware of the fact that she treats people poorly and that people get mad at her all the time, though she doesn't usually admit it.  At the end of the day, she wants people to like her and doesn't want to feel shame.  I get mad at her a lot, but I'm not the type of person who feels the need to send profanity-laced texts to people.  I'm also not the type of person who holds onto anger.  With my job, I just can't be.  

She really is just like a child.    

[SummerStorm]

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously? 

I have never gotten an apology, but after accusing me of stalking him, my ex began talking very loudly about where he lives and where he spends his time in front of me the second time he saw me, as if to clarify that he didn't think I was a stalker.  He often seems quite embarrassed about the way he behaves when his anxiety is high.  I wonder if that is what is keeping him from returning right now.

My theory is that they stay away in proportion to how badly they believe they treated us in the last round.

Your theory has some merits.  In addition to how badly they treated you, it's also how they perceive you are feeling.  If they think you are angry they may stay away longer and then make subtle contacts to see how you respond. 

It's funny that you posted this as I was typing my response.  Looks like great minds think alike.   

I compare this to a puppy who was scolded for chewing up a chew or something similar.  Perhaps it was yelled at, not allowed to sleep on the bed that night, etc.  Slowly, it tests the waters.  It nudges your hand.  It rubs up against your legs.  It stretches out on the floor and peers up at you with sad eyes.  It wants to see how you'll react.  So, you say, "Okay, Buster.  I get it.  You're sorry you chewed up that shoe.  Want to go for a walk?"  The puppy perks up, barks, and starts running around excitedly. 

I would imagine that children are similar, though I'm way more familiar with animals, . 

[blackbirdsong]

Three weeks after NC, I received a FB friend request from unknown person.

• The person has tiny/unrecognizable profile picture



• We have one mutual friend, the one I mentioned my ex GF several times



• This person liked one restaurant from the small town where my ex was born



• The person is a member of a group that is covering emotional health issues

What are the chances that this person is my ex?

[burritoman]

These are all great replies. Has anyone noticed a trend of them returning based on who initiated NC, regardless of the things they said when they left?

I guess I've learned over the years with past breakups is that you shouldn't chase them and go immediate NC, no matter how tough. This is regardless of if they're normal or BPD. I'm proud of myself for keeping it up. I haven't looked at her FB in weeks (and according to a friend, she appears to be LIVING it up). I've come to realize how NC has helped my healing. There are still ups and downs, good days and bad, but most importantly I've been able to really rationalize the relationship, her and my actions, and why it was unhealthy.

I'm putting myself into a healthy mindset so when the conversation DOES happen about her things, I'll be able to handle what she tosses at me. My biggest fear about the storage situation though is that she's not doing it to keep a tether to me, but she's taking advantage. Meaning, "I have no room for this stuff at my place, so I'll just let him keep paying for it because he's a pushover."

[GreenEyedMonster]

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously? 

I have never gotten an apology, but after accusing me of stalking him, my ex began talking very loudly about where he lives and where he spends his time in front of me the second time he saw me, as if to clarify that he didn't think I was a stalker.  He often seems quite embarrassed about the way he behaves when his anxiety is high.  I wonder if that is what is keeping him from returning right now.

My theory is that they stay away in proportion to how badly they believe they treated us in the last round.

Your theory has some merits.  In addition to how badly they treated you, it's also how they perceive you are feeling.  If they think you are angry they may stay away longer and then make subtle contacts to see how you respond. 

I am waiting to see what kinds of "subtle contacts" he comes up with.  He knows that if he contacts me first, it nullifies his desire for a PPO and opens the door for me to communicate with him.  So I think he is very hesitant to do that.  I think he also knows that it is going to be very hard for me to forgive him for the PPO thing and move on.  He's left me with no means to let him know that I forgive him.  This could be a long haul.

[steve195915]

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Even when mine says goodbye, she comes back.  Like everything else with her, "goodbye" is a feeling, and feelings=facts.

June - "I don't want you in my life anymore.  Goodbye."

July - "Thank you for your friendship, but please don't contact me.  Love always, A."  

August - ":)o you have a room for rent?"

September - "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."

September - "You're crazy.  I don't want to be friends with you."

September - Calls and texts blocked

November - Resumed contact, became friends on Facebook

December - "This obviously isn't working.  Bye."

December - Calls and texts blocked, blocked on Facebook

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SummerStor, I can't wait for what January will bring!  

I also decided To put together my history.

January-March - "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, you are so amazing to me, I love you with all my heart and soul."

April - "I'm tired of this relationship, goodbye!". (she starts seeing someone else)

May - "You are the best thing to happen to me, give me some time and I will be yours forever.". (we see each other, have sex, says it's over with the other guy)

June - She blocks me, has no contact.  I find out she moved in with the other guy.

July - We run into each other.  Later I get a text "it was awesome seeing you, all my feelings were still there, I miss you and always loved you, we should meet and talk.".  She broke up with the other guy and moved out and renting a room in her ex husbands house.

August - We get back together, talk of marriage.

September - We get engaged

October - "I'm feeling trapped, I need time, do you think you would just want to be friends, maybe with benefits too?". We sort of break up for two weeks, LC.

November - "I miss you all the time, it's so hard sleeping without you, I love you, I will always be here for you, you can always count on me."

December - "That is it, I'm walking away from this relationship."

Reading this is so ridiculous it's almost funny if I didn't have to live it!

[SummerStorm]

These are all great replies. Has anyone noticed a trend of them returning based on who initiated NC, regardless of the things they said when they left?

I guess I've learned over the years with past breakups is that you shouldn't chase them and go immediate NC, no matter how tough. This is regardless of if they're normal or BPD. I'm proud of myself for keeping it up. I haven't looked at her FB in weeks (and according to a friend, she appears to be LIVING it up). I've come to realize how NC has helped my healing. There are still ups and downs, good days and bad, but most importantly I've been able to really rationalize the relationship, her and my actions, and why it was unhealthy.

I'm putting myself into a healthy mindset so when the conversation DOES happen about her things, I'll be able to handle what she tosses at me. My biggest fear about the storage situation though is that she's not doing it to keep a tether to me, but she's taking advantage. Meaning, "I have no room for this stuff at my place, so I'll just let him keep paying for it because he's a pushover."

She always initiates NC, and she's always the one who returns. 

[SummerStorm]

SummerStor, I can't wait for what January will bring!  

I forgot to add May, which was, "Hurry up and buy a house.  I thought about you a lot today.  I imagined you proposing to me.  I imagined you pregnant with our child.  I imagined us adopting a kitten together.  I imagined a lot of sex."  A few days later, this was followed by, "You're the one."  Less than a week after that, it was all over, and she just wanted to be friends. 

I think we'll start with Christmas and see what happens, .

Her sister is back home right now.  I think she must be taking a semester off from college before starting at a university in another state.  It will be interesting to see what happens when she goes back to school and is several states away.  I sense there will be some major abandonment issues with that.  I would imagine that she'll be going back in January, though I suppose it's possible that she took an entire year off.