envy turned to hate

[gingin]

Hey everyone,

Has anyone experienced being envied which turned to hatred because you had a loving family, that you were respected and liked by your peers, basically anything that was a positive for you. When my friends gave me compliments on how well versed I was in a certain area or how I was a kind person- anything that reflected a positive ... .I would be demeaned and hear later from ex, with such loathing... .you think you know everything, a know-it all, never do any wrong. Your friends and family think you walk on water, such a martyr etc.

Do they really hate our good qualities? I know my ex did. It was so bad that I was actually afraid for someone to give me a compliment. That is so ****** up.

[once removed]

hey gingin 

pwBPD feel a lot of shame and, though experiences may vary as to whether or not we see and hear it, a lot of self loathing. jealousy is not uncommon either. so it makes sense that she would have had a hard time coping with the positive attention you received.

do they hate our good qualities? i wouldnt put it exactly that way - but its not uncommon in our stories to be praised for a quality and devalued for it later. pwBPD, deep down, resent themselves for a failure to become whole, and resent us for our inability to give them that sense of wholeness. its complex stuff, but it will tend to play out in the kinds of ways you describe.

hope that helps!

[thisworld]

Hi gingin,

What you described was very common with my ex, he also had narcissistic and passive aggressive qualities. My character was attacked and assassinated in areas which were important to me, in areas where he thought I was better (I didn't believe in comparisons like this but, after all that happened, now I do actually) and also in areas where he thought he was superior (attracting other people, having more people after him etc). Basically, when I look at this from a distance , I was invalidated in every aspect possible - maybe with different motives, I will never know. He shared some of these with me and some of them with shared with his online confidantes while I was being constantly praised on those very qualities he attacked. I know how hurtful it is and just like the abuse of narcissists, it attacks whatever they perceive as dear to you. My therapist tells me that I may never know which aspect of his disorder(s) may be at play at what particular time but that this was emotional abuse - which then turned into sexual and physical but I left very quickly. Today, I'm more interested in how "invalidation" worked, how it affected me, and what I can learn from it rather than trying to guess his motives.

I am the adult child of a low-grade narcissistic mother, so I have been a magnet for people like this most of my life - luckily, I'm much much better than when I started my life as a young adult. Some things I have learned on the way were difficult to except: yes, there may even be a grain of truth in what they say. That is, yes, maybe, we have an air of superiority that we don't notice even though we never think in those terms. This also happens probably each time you try to help a disordered individual because when you try to help them, you are signalling that you know better than them. Again, when you hold them accountable for their actions, you are acting with a moral compass that indeed judges someone according to some value. If you put your needs beside for a moment to help a disordered individual in trouble, they may interpret you as the martyr.

At this point in my life, I'm seeing it like this: the problem is not what I am or what I am not. It is how these people treat this probably ordinary thing as a huuuge negativity. Be optimistic, you may be seen as an idiotic Pollyanna, be realistic you are this monster, whatever.  Every little quality of yours that a healthy individual could handle easily without turning it into a problem becomes magnified in these relationships. We are also deprived of healthy learning    and growth that a healthy partner facilitates, so it's very scary that the longer we stay we may really turn into those things that they are talking about.

Maybe my partner believed all the good things he said and felt about me as well as the bad ones (about one quality). This may be possible, he had zero consistency - symptomatic of borderlines. I read about it in educational materials here and it was very helpful. Or maybe he was purposefully building me up and pulling me down because of manipulative reasons - which he admitted (should I believe it or not?) doing. The effect on me was invalidation. It's very unfortunate that it was downright abusive.  

[cloudten]

I think mine hated my "good" qualities. In person, if someone complimented me, he might have pretended to be proud- but later on he would loathe me for it... .like it was my fault what someone's opinion was of me.

The other day, I went to a concert with 2 guys who are strictly friends. In two separate instances, I was complimented for being "hot"... .in front of these guy friends. It was flattering, but somewhere in my mind I cringed.  After thinking about it later, I realized that I cringed because if someone had told me I was "hot" in front of my BPDx, he would have lost his sh*t at me later on... .hours, days, or weeks later... .he would have lost his sh*t and brought it all bubbling out of his mouth in hateful words. Maybe he was envious. 

Maybe men can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a bf/husband would be happy to be complimented on having a "hot" wife/gf in person.  Isn't it a status symbol or point of pride to have a good looking SO?

But yes, I do think mine hated me for all of my "good" qualities. He hated that I have a very successful career in philanthropy. He hated me for having "status" even though his social status far out-ranks my own. He hated me for being "hot" at times. He hated that I am well read. He hated that I am quietly religious. He hated that my family loves me. He hated my honesty and integrity. Maybe it was envy- in the form of hate and anger.