Sucker punched again

[rosamundi]

Hello. I'm here because I'm reeling, once again, after receiving a hateful email out of the blue from my sister. We have had a rocky relationship most of our lives, on/off again, with me trying to distance myself repeatedly, slowly agreeing to re-establish communication, beginning to feel a normal relationship might be possible, and then receiving a vitriolic phone call, letter, or email accusing me of all sorts of things. I am the younger sister. My older sister sees herself as someone who should be the 'family head' and is enraged that no one is interested in her concept of family structure. She has been hospitalized more than once for suicidal threats although she has never attempted. She has accused her husband of abuse, had him dragged out of military classes and put in military jail, gone to an abused women's shelter, and then turned around and accused the military police of abusing her husband, denied her abuse report, and expected sympathy from family and friends for her trauma.

I have gone through a repeated cycle with her of being sucker-punched emotionally, distancing myself, and then slowly, over months or even years, being drawn in by her attempts to restore communication. At first she seems very reasonable and kind, expresses interest in my life and family, etc. Gradually it seems that she may be able to maintain some limited pleasant contact. And then, reliably, out of the blue she will send a vitriolic message - phone, mail, email - that contains so much hurtful material, it makes me ill. She twists words that were said years ago, or makes things up completely, and then speculates on what she assumes I will do to 'harm' her further. She accuses me of being just like our mother, something that is intensely hurtful and triggering. Our mother was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to my sisters and me throughout our childhoods. She starved us, beat us, burned us, screamed at us, woke us in the night to scream at us some more, and then would weep and beg us to hug her. She spent grocery money on shoes and clothes for herself, clothed us from church rummage bins, and simply didn't feed us. We looked like skeletons. In the 1960s and '70s no one from the schools or social services noticed. Later, my mother decided that my daughter reminded her of me and 'wanted a second go-around'; she took my daughter from my home without telling me more than once and then laughed at me for being upset, she was cold and hurtful toward my sons, and when we told her we were moving away, she tried to get legal partial custody of my daughter to force unsupervised visits. She didn't actually care about my daughter as a person - she viewed her as a toy, to play with when she wanted to, but would otherwise ignore her. I had been away from my mother enough years to have supposed that we might be able to have a normal relationship in her old age, but it was a disaster. She still attempts to be in touch, calling and writing, signing her letters 'Love and Blessings, Nana'. It makes me physically ill.

My older sister acts in the same way. She tries to get close, seems reasonable, and then unleashes absolute fury at me (and sometimes at other people). During an admission to hospital for expressing the intention to kill her children and then herself, she told staff that I was her abuser and instructed that I not be permitted to visit or call. When I didn't attempt either, she made sure that she got a message to me letting me know that this was the case, and I would be arrested if I attempted to contact her.

I have distanced myself, although she continues to try to be in touch. My elderly father lives with us and she insists that she has to come to visit him. When she lived an hour away from him, she didn't visit him once in 7 years; but now she has to visit. She is very litigious and I dread the thought of my father's death, as I am sure my sister will attempt to sue me for something - not caring for him well enough, etc.

In the summer, my sister posted some hateful things about Americans on Facebook after the shootings in Virginia. She also made hostile comments about how her family doesn't care about her and her friends will have to be her family. I didn't respond, but I unfriended her; she didn't notice. Then yesterday I received a horrible email from her, full of rage and accusations. She had posted more anti-American ranting on Facebook after the terrorist attack in San Bernardino, and then had checked her friend list to see if anyone had left. She realized I wasn't on the list and assumed I had just unfriended her. The email she sent accuses me of many things, but repeatedly accuses me of being just like my mother - of spreading lies, of dealing in deceit, of shunning people and encouraging bitterness, and of being the 'new dysfunction' in our family. She then admonished me for being exactly like our mother and demanded that I stop being stupid, because I know better than to act like that. She then declared her undying love for me and my family and said that, for her, family always comes first. Always.

I am physically ill. I couldn't sleep last night. I know I shouldn't allow her to have that much effect on me, but my body doesn't seem to agree. I wanted to block her on email and FB, but then she will accuse me of shunning her and making her a victim; and if I respond, it means giving her more chances at mud-slinging. Her accusations range forward, to saying that I am demanding she not be invited to a family wedding set for next fall (not my immediate family). If the family concerned doesn't invite her, she will blame me; if they do, she will make a scene and the wedding will become all about her.

I'm sorry to take so long with this post. It's nothing new to those here, I'm sure. I just feel trapped. Although I have managed to separate myself in the past, I feel like a bad person when I shut off communication, and it pours gasoline on her fire. But to stay in communication means staying in this abusive cycle, and I can't deal with the abuse anymore.

[Kwamina]

Hi rosamundi

Dealing with abuse is very unpleasant and not something anyone would like to deal with. Your sister's behavior sounds quite problematic and hurtful indeed.

You also talk about how your mother treated you and your children. I am sorry they too were subjected to her hurtful behaviors.

Not responding to hurtful communications and false accusations often is a wise way to handle these things. We have a workshop here that you might find helpful:

How to stop circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

We also have other resources here that can help with dealing with hostile communications:

Responding to hostile communications: B.I.F.F. (Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm)

I am sorry your sister's (and mother's) behavior is affecting you so much. It seems your sister is doing a lot of projecting onto you. Her words and actions aren't a reflection of who you really are, but only a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity. Keeping this in mind can help us not take the things our BPD family-members say and do that personally anymore, it's still hard though, I realize that.

It helps having tools available to deal with the difficult behavior of our BPD family-members. It can also greatly help reading other people's stories who've had similar experiences so I am glad you have joined our online community I encourage you to keep posting here.

Welcome to bpdfamily

[Coral]

Block her from contacting you in any form.  She's going to negatively react no matter what you do so be kind to yourself.  Block her.

[rosamundi]

I sent a short, noncommittal reply to my sister's email using the BIFF format and she has emailed again with more unpleasantness. She makes so many false assumptions and false accusations! On one hand I want to address them, as they are both hurtful and untrue; on the other hand, I know she will continue to be accusatory and angry and it goes in circles.

It feels like being backed into a corner where no answer is adequate, and all ways of trying to de-escalate the conversation or disengage from her attacks have been labeled as 'shunning' or lacking in love. Accusations of being like my very abusive mother just trigger flashbacks, despair, and self-doubt in me. My worst nightmare is to be just like my mother without realizing it. I have tried all my life to examine my behaviors and attitudes and to consciously choose a very different path than my mother's. My sister knows such accusations are the worst things any of us siblings can say to each other. Yet, I don't want to fulfill her accusations and shun her. I don't know what to do.

[Suzn]

My sister knows such accusations are the worst things any of us siblings can say to each other. Yet, I don't want to fulfill her accusations and shun her. I don't know what to do.

Welcome rosamundi

This is a painful situation.   It's ok to take a time out from your sister's demands that you answer to take care of you. You can let her know you need time to think things over for a while, that you are taking a time out, before you answer any further. This is a healthy response. It's also ok to take as much time as you need. We can't "help"  others when we aren't helping ourselves first.

People with BPD are impulsive and can rage for real or imagined slights. You have reached out for support, a courageous and healthy thing to do! This sounds nothing like the person you describe your mother to be.

So glad you found us. Keep posting, it helps.  

[Charlie3236]

Bless you rosamundi! I could have written hour story almost verbatim about my sister and my mother! It's weird how differently abuse seems to affect different people.

Let me first start by saying that you are absolutely not, not, not like your mother!  That is an accusation designed specifically to get a rise out of you. BPD is a tricky animal that way, and I wholeheartedly agree with everything Suzn and Kwamina said!

This group has been soo helpful in dealing with my BPD little sis. I'm going through the same battle of guilt versus protecting myself and my family from the emotional chaos. It's never easy. But as long as my sister is choosing to stay sick and fly into these rages over any perceived little slight I cannot be close to her. And I can't even tell her that or reason with her.

Coming to terms with the reality of your situation is key, and it may feel like someone died. That's to be expected. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but most days I just try not to think about her. It's really sad because I don't know that she'll ever understand how much I love her and how deeply she hurts people. But again, that's the nature of this BPD beast... .He's a nasty demon, this one!

I'm sending you prayers and positive energy to get you through this journey. One thing that helps me is to remember that sis is SICK, and therefore her perceptions are disordered (I.e. They make NO sense). It helps to not take the smear campaigns so personally.

We have very, very little contact, even though she lives across the street from me! And my life is a lot more sane because of it. Still it breaks my heart every day when I think about the beautiful little girl she once was with the big smile and the long golden hair. But unfortunately she is not that person anymore. I pray for her every day, and I am believing for a MIRACLE for us. But until I see some change she is not allowed over unless me and my husband are both home, and it is planned visit. And she will never be alone with my son again, she is just too unstable. I won't risk him being exposed to the abuse that we went through.

Please keep us posted! Blessings!

[rosamundi]

Coming to terms with the reality of your situation is key, and it may feel like someone died.

That is exactly how it feels with both my mother and my older sister. It feels like I lost my mother long ago, and all the nice cards for mothers, all the tributes to mothers that I see from friends on facebook, etc., make me very sad.

My BPD sister took things up another notch - she forwarded the entire email chain that she started last Friday, and that ended two days ago, to my younger sister. The emails had nothing at all to do with younger sis. She also apparently wrote an accusatory letter to younger sis, saying that younger sis clearly doesn't want a relationship with her or her family, and saying more about next year's wedding (younger sis's family is hosting it). Younger sis sent me a copy of her reply to older BPD sis and asked that I not forward her recent emails to older BPD sis. Of course not.

I am definitely stepping back and taking time out from any contact with my BPD sis for awhile. I should have done that on Friday.

[OutOfGas]

I just joined the group today and, as I'm reading this post, I'm being bombarded by texts from my BPD daughter because she is mad at me. Today, I got the courage to tell her that she may not visit her father and me for Christmas. We are retired to another state (yes, to put distance between us) and have endured too many holiday celebrations that have turned ugly and nasty.

I feel both guilty and relieved, but trust me, she will see that I pay a high price in some way for my decision.

I am amazed how similar all of our stories are. Will there ever be relief?

[rosamundi]

My older sister (BPD) has stepped things up by forwarding our email chain from the past few days to our younger sister, who has not been involved at any point, and also accusing her of not wanting a relationship, of not wanting to invite her to the family wedding, and so on. Now my younger sister is frustrated and has indicated that she won't respond to emails for the next while. She sent me her reply to BPD-sis and advised that she is bowing out beyond her reply to BPD-sis (which did address a number of issues).

I am also going to bow out and not respond any further to BPD-sis if/when she attempts further contact. This has been a crazy episode out of the blue. I hate shutting down communication but right now I think it's necessary.

[Kwamina]

I am also going to bow out and not respond any further to BPD-sis if/when she attempts further contact. This has been a crazy episode out of the blue. I hate shutting down communication but right now I think it's necessary.

It definitely is sad that things are the way they are. To protect yourself not responding to any communications, especially when you're being bombarded with hostile communications, seems a wise thing to do. If you would respond odds are that at this point you'd get into a circular argument anyway and/or would end up being affected by the hurtful words because even when you know it's all just projections, it's still very unpleasant being subjected to abuse. This period of no communications doesn't necessarily have to last forever of course, but even a short time-out can be very helpful and help you gather yourself.

As you've seen from the responses you've gotten, many of us can relate to you. It is tough, but fortunately we can help each other deal with all of this in our online community

[shellbell]

Ahhh the circular never ending doomed if you do doomed if you don't scenario of a raging BPD. I know it is a situation which for lack of a better term makes you feel pretty freaking hopeless. The one thing you have control of is allowing her to contact you. I have done it before and wish I could do it permanently, but my best suggestion is to block, block, block. Every outlet she may find, don't respond, pick up, or answer... .simply block. She will likely never understand why and blame you for some asinine and nonsensical reason, but you have to remember, this is the one thing you have control of. Good luck.