"Do you still want me to..."

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Being trained as a forensic scientist and working in the enforcement field, I see patterns. I have been seeing this pattern for a year. The problem is being those things in addition to tones of codependency and PTSD (which I thought I had dealt with over the years), I thought I could 'crack the code'.

I know he wants to be lead into action because he can't decide. I know he is at war with himself. The other night, his discarding behavior went up to 11 and for the first time, he said clearly not to call or text him again. Then, this morning (as the pattern goes), he emailed me:

"Good morning,  :)o you still want me to go to the appointment today?"

to which I replied:

"Hi ':)anny',

You were pretty clear that you want out of our relationship and want to return to the life you had before we met. I am torn by what I wish we had with what the reality is. You are very unhappy with me and yourself. It goes much deeper than Us. The upside to your going may be for us to transition out of each others' lives without the venom. I am not sure one appointment could do that though.

So, the long answer is, it is up to you and you alone.

Just let me know so I can prepare myself.

Jane"

No response. Please provide feedback on if I handled that correctly or if I left a window open. I am nervous he will be at the therapy appointment without telling me or worse yet, I prepare that he will be there only to be ghosted.

[JaneStorm]

Being trained as a forensic scientist and working in the enforcement field, I see patterns. I have been seeing this pattern for a year. The problem is being those things in addition to tones of codependency and PTSD (which I thought I had dealt with over the years), I thought I could 'crack the code'.

I know he wants to be lead into action because he can't decide. I know he is at war with himself. The other night, his discarding behavior went up to 11 and for the first time, he said clearly not to call or text him again. Then, this morning (as the pattern goes), he emailed me:

"Good morning,  :)o you still want me to go to the appointment today?"

to which I replied:

"Hi ':)anny',

You were pretty clear that you want out of our relationship and want to return to the life you had before we met. I am torn by what I wish we had with what the reality is. You are very unhappy with me and yourself. It goes much deeper than Us. The upside to your going may be for us to transition out of each others' lives without the venom. I am not sure one appointment could do that though.

So, the long answer is, it is up to you and you alone.

Just let me know so I can prepare myself.

Jane"

No response. Please provide feedback on if I handled that correctly or if I left a window open. I am nervous he will be at the therapy appointment without telling me or worse yet, I prepare that he will be there only to be ghosted.

[JaneStorm]

"Maybe it's not a good idea right now. ':)anny'"

"Hi Danny,

I think you are right. I am not angry and I would never hurt you on purpose. I need to surround myself with healthy support during my transition to a life without you.

I realize that I am the trigger for you and that will not change unless you also do the hard work on yourself in the appropriate therapy.  I know that is not where you are and I accept that fact.

I am not going to block and unblock you. No blocking from me. I understand that you need to do that. Just please know that I am committed to no contact with you from here on and will not be a realistic source of your fears and anxiety.

I only want the best for us both.

Jane"

Meh... .for what it is worth. My therapy appointment is at 11 am. I look forward to the additional input and support. He specializes in PD.

[C.Stein]

Better to be prepared than not.  Expect the worst then you can be relieved when the worst doesn't materialize.

[JaneStorm]

Better to be prepared than not.  Expect the worst then you can be relieved when the worst doesn't materialize.

Yes, I agree. Thank you! Of course, he jumped my boundary and sent a long scathing email telling me to read some critical paragraph in his email to the therapist so he can tell me how to change to make everything better. He put out all of the painful hooks and dredged up insane accusations crying about how unfair I am to him and that the 'rules' only applied to him and not me. Still talking like he is going to work on getting me to change or he will find someone that can fill his needs. Very painful hook.

ugh.

The more loving and rational I am with him, the uglier he gets in his responses.

I will honor the NC vow that I made to myself. Not out of hatred but out of self-preservation.

***Now the email with the clinical observations of what is wrong with me, peppered with the 'you are the smartest woman I have ever known, BUT... .' and then thanking me for showing him how he surrounded himself with toxic people when I met him, with the final, "Love, :)anny'.

He is right that I need to work on some things; obviously, because I am in this rabbit hole deeply. Normal people do not allow things to get this out of hand. Lots of projecting from him and it makes me sad that he struggles so much.

[C.Stein]

He is right that I need to work on some things; obviously, because I am in this rabbit hole deeply. Normal people do not allow things to get this out of hand. Lots of projecting from him and it makes me sad that he struggles so much.

Something to talk to your T about?

[babyducks]

The thing with being a scientist and looking for patterns is we expect the patterns to follow a logical progression.   The thing with mental illness is the logic and the reality is often distorted.  If not missing all together.    My partner is also bipolar in addition to BPD.    When she is having a difficult day she will often project onto me.    The best thing I can do is not to engage in those discussion.     There is nothing down that road for me.   

[JaneStorm]

The thing with being a scientist and looking for patterns is we expect the patterns to follow a logical progression.   The thing with mental illness is the logic and the reality is often distorted.  If not missing all together.    My partner is also bipolar in addition to BPD.    When she is having a difficult day she will often project onto me.    The best thing I can do is not to engage in those discussion.     There is nothing down that road for me.    

So true. The T reminded me from just meeting me for the first time that I OVER-analyze crazy things that will never fit a logical model. I have a history of this because it is so hard for me to own the fact that there is not a 'code' or 'formula' with people; especially ones with PD. The more I peruse these boards, the more I realize my mom is the OG of BPD. I hate Freudian things!  

It pisses off my ego that I may have to pick that scab from childhood to fix my "Picker" (another term he used that has been said to me over the years). I thought I had worked through these things but each experience shows me new things I was not ready to see before.

I just want to BE and not till the dirt of my psyche but I know it is necessary.

All of my girlfriends have descended on me over the last 2 days! It's almost magical because it was like they just KNEW to reach out. I am so grateful.

I have more compassion for my BPDex now than when he was representing HOPE. Hope is a very terrible thing, when you think about it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creating-in-flow/201303/can-hope-be-bad

"Pursuing the Good Life: 100 Reflections on Positive Psychology was authored by Christopher Peterson, who was one of the founders of the field of positive psychology. Peterson, who was a fellow blogger here, died unexpectedly at age 62 before this compilation of his blog posts came out.

One of his "100 Reflections" is entitled "Good Hope and Bad Hope." Does hope, which Peterson equated with optimism, "prolong whatever torments us," as Nietzsche wrote? Depends, he wrote. If you hope for what cannot possibly happen, that's just stupid (his word). He wrote:

But hoping for things that can happen is smart (good), assuming we are motivated by our optimism to act in ways that make the hoped-for thing more likely."

Evidence and observable action is what I neglected.