I "broke" NC after 7 weeks

[C.Stein]

CS -- Hmm.  You are basically saying here that you are considering approaching her with the news that if she fundamentally changed, you'd like to be with her again.  Do you see the problem with that kind of overture?

It's not about fundamental change so to speak.  It's about treating me with honest, respect and caring.  It's about showing empathy and compassion towards me when she hurts me.  It's about not running when things get tough.  This isn't about changing her, this is about bringing the best of herself to the surface and keeping it there.  She is already capable of this, she just has a problem with it in intimate relationships.

This is what she wants for herself and she has to be willing to provide it for me (equal partnership and all).  She already knows this as we talked about it in the beginning of our relationship.   These are fundamental requirements in a partnership/marriage.   She knows she has a problem with them and has expressed a willingness to work on these problems.  She doesn't like this side of herself and has said as much in the past. 

Thing is, she didn't really work very hard to restrain/change herself during our relationship, but she did get somewhat better ... .less frequent.   I never tried to directly change her though or hand out ultimatums.  I hate ultimatums.   This was in part my fault because I let her cross my boundaries which enabled that behavior.   She is very much like a child emotionally and needs to have boundaries enforced.  While I  did enforce some, others I did not.  Knowing what I know now I would be better prepared to guide her in the right direction and keep my boundaries strong.  I didn't have the right tools in my arsenal before and I had weak boundaries.

If she decides she's open to change, and wants to resume with you, presumably she will reach out to you.  If YOU are initiating, the premise pretty much has to be that you would accept her as-is.  And that doesn't sound like how you feel.

I do accept her for who she it.  I don't accept how she has treated me at times.  This is what needs to change.  It is all probably a moot point since she has quite likely "moved on" but it does make a worthy topic to discuss here.

The email I have drafted is more about trying to dispel the misconceptions she has about what happened this year and about me, mistakes that were made on both our parts and restating what our relationship needs in order to provide a healthy and loving home for the children she wants.

[patientandclear]

I've sent a few such messages at various points. My ex finds them condescending or quaint (at least at the time, that is his surface level reaction).

You are undoubtedly "right" that her actions and choices are counterproductive for achieving things she says she wants. I don't think you're fully grappling with how strong a force the feelings are that push her to run etc. These are not things that get engaged at a conscious analytical level.

You know what she does, and who she is; your message above IS a message that she needs to change.  If you reach back to her, I'd suggest doing so with a plan of radical acceptance of who she actually is, and not assuming you can persuade her to change by making a compelling case.

Use of boundaries is important for making the r/ship the best it can be ... .Not necessarily for changing her reactions, but for changing your reactions to her reactions.

If you are really considering re-engaging, I urge you to spend time with the communications precepts on Staying. Not JADEing is hard for most of us, it was hard for me, and from what you wrote here, I'd say it may not come intuitively for you.

Also might be worth reading I'm Not Sick by Amador: useful refresher that people really resist being told all about themselves by others, and attempts to do that usually backfire and reinforce the choices you don't like.

[steelwork]

I want to make things right with her, the last 6 months of our relationship were anything but a real relationship.  Neither one of us really tried to fix the damage she had done.  It doesn't seem right to give up on a 2 year relationship when we never sat down and really talked about the feelings and problems that have been occurring and holding us back from any real forward progress.   This really frustrates me.

C.Stein, I definitely can relate to this... .because he hid his anger pretty thoroughly until it was too late, I'm haunted by a wish to go back in time and address the issues properly as the "flags" appeared. I think this is the ultimate example of what the French call "the wit of the staircase"--knowing EXACTLY what you should have said as you are leaving the party and it's too late.

It's also a deep regret, a dream of what might have been.

But then it probably WOULDN'T have been. If we had time machines, we might be able to do better by our exes  for a while, but for how long? And at what personal cost?

[C.Stein]

tribalmart, I apologize for hijacking your thread.  If it is ok with you I will continue to reply here, but I can also open a new thread if you wish me to do so.

You are undoubtedly "right" that her actions and choices are counterproductive for achieving things she says she wants. I don't think you're fully grappling with how strong a force the feelings are that push her to run etc. These are not things that get engaged at a conscious analytical level.

She is undiagnosed BPD.   While I have taken screening tests using my knowledge of her that show she is suffering from BPD, it is still undiagnosed.  So you are correct in that I don't know how strong the desire to run is.  What happened could be a pre-emptive move on her part because she believed on some level that I was eventually going to end it so she started to "move on" long before she finally discarded me.

You know what she does, and who she is; your message above IS a message that she needs to change.  If you reach back to her, I'd suggest doing so with a plan of radical acceptance of who she actually is, and not assuming you can persuade her to change by making a compelling case.

Yes I agree the message does say that but it is not a demand or ultimatum.  It is a sincere desire to build a partnership with her based on the necessary parts needed to build a strong and lasting relationship (love, honesty, respect, caring, empathy, trust).   I also need to change as well and addressed that in the email.  These changes I need to make aren't necessarily specific to her and our relationship either.

Use of boundaries is important for making the r/ship the best it can be ... .Not necessarily for changing her reactions, but for changing your reactions to her reactions.

Agreed.  Enforcing boundaries is for me, not her.  Having strong boundaries will however have an indirect and likely positive effect on her behavior as well.

If you are really considering re-engaging, I urge you to spend time with the communications precepts on Staying. Not JADEing is hard for most of us, it was hard for me, and from what you wrote here, I'd say it may not come intuitively for you.

JADEing is a problem for me and this is definitely something I need to work on in general, especially in emotionally charged situations.  I also need to stop letting her push my buttons.  I don't go out of my way to "attack" her however when I have allowed her to push me over the edge I did "attack" her at times.   This was wrong and one of the things I feel a lot of guilt and remorse over.  

My scientific training does not help with avoiding JADEing either.  She is also scientifically trained so discussions based in logic, fact and reason do get through to her but only if she is in the right frame of mind.

Also might be worth reading I'm Not Sick by Amador: useful refresher that people really resist being told all about themselves by others, and attempts to do that usually backfire and reinforce the choices you don't like.

Thanks for the reference.  I am one who believes honesty is the best policy and I have without a doubt reinforced her choice to discard and detach forever several times over.  

This whole exercise will be for my own personal growth anyhow, reaching out or not.  I am fairly certain she really has "moved one" and the few straws I am grasping at in order to believe she has not are flimsy at best.  I checked her linkedin profile a couple of days ago for the first time since the discard and saw a recommendation from a guy that "fits the bill" for my replacement, which is heart breaking.

I do wonder at times if the most loving thing I can do here is just to let her go, regardless of the great potential and possibilities I feel we can achieve together.  It is very difficult to let go of her and the dream we once shared.