On the alert

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's not a crisis situation that I'm in.  Not at the moment anyway.  BPDH is on a downward spiral, cursing himself, under his breath; and at the same time making his own supper.  We are both drinking every day, and weed.  Weed is like medicine for him, but a simple downer for me.  I'm sure he's trying to overcome hateful thoughts about himself but it comes out as pure hate when he expresses anything.

[Crumbling]

It's not a crisis situation that I'm in.  Not at the moment anyway.  BPDH is on a downward spiral, cursing himself, under his breath; and at the same time making his own supper.  We are both drinking every day, and weed.  Weed is like medicine for him, but a simple downer for me.  I'm sure he's trying to overcome hateful thoughts about himself but it comes out as pure hate when he expresses anything.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey crumbling, why are you both self-medicating?  Suggest you think about it.  LuckyJim

[Crumbling]

Hey Jim! 

I stopped trying.  I gave in.  I can't hold anger at him for self medicating, if I'm doing it myself now can I?  It was just easier that way.  He is a full out addict, and is deep in the throngs of it.

I've realized I've become very neutral inside.  There is no motivation, no hate or love, no initiative, no anger, no fear.  Nothing.

I've been on an antidepressant for over two years now, and I suspect this deadness I feel is from this stupid combo of 'meds'.   When I do well, my H dysregulates.  When I do poorly, he at least pretends to try.  He is stubborn and self absorbed.  I suppose I've allowed myself to get lost... .again.  It seemed the only way I could keep myself from leaving.

[Crumbling]

Ever hear the saying, if you hang around the barber shop long enough, you eventually get a hair cut?  That's me.  I hung around the barber shop far too long.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Crumbling,

Sounds like a difficult situation for you.  Sorry to hear that you are struggling.  Are you taking care of YOU?  That's the first step, in my view, on the road to change.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Is this your way of giving up?

Both on yourself and your husband?

It sounds pretty soul numbing to accept that this is the life you have to look forward to.

Remember that you can choose to do something different, like coming back here and posting. Just acknowledging how bad it has become is s start. 

[sweetheart]

Crumbling   can you come back and post again, let us help you find a way through ?

[Crumbling]

   Thanks for the hugs and support.

Y'all made the tears flow... .guess that's good.  That's what I get for missing group today! 

Seasonal work is mentally challenging,  for sure, especially in our climate.  I am again in this house 24 hrs a day with a man who wants nothing more out of everyday than to make sure he has all the right substances for that day in his hands.  Nothing else matters to him.  I'm copying him, I know it.  But my heart breaks more everyday if I continue to care.  It's easier to numb.

This isn't an excuse... .its a realization.  One I am finally articulating!

I know this winter would be extra hard, so I had made arrangements in the summer to be involved in a 14 week group session that applies ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy.  It's actually the second half of something I began last winter.

At our group session today, it would have been my turn to give a synopsis of my life and my goals.  There has been so much happen in my life.  And I know a lot of it is going to so hard to re-live.

They asked us to highlight the most significant events, good and bad.  Everything seems significant right now.  And the most recent events are the most pressing, of course.

This stupid argument between H and my adult son has been going on for about four months now.  My relationship with my son is severed.  And there is already 4500 miles between adult daughter and grand-baby (who is quickly approaching nine).  This is my biggest anguish... .well, after the "having a BPD addict husband" bit.

But I don't think that is what lead me to 'boozing it up' last night, and sleeping all day instead of going to group.  I think it was the goals part.  I will only get out of this process what I put into it, right?

I'm looking at setting and committing to goals that are going to change everything about my life.  I'm scared, and every time I think about it, tears squirt out the corners of my eyes.

I am so thankful for this family here, and please know, I really appreachiate your support.

C.

[Crumbling]

Just for reference, when I first posted this, I was seeing the worst of my H that night, and I was at a low.  Facing a family-less Christmas and drinking sun up to sun down six days a week.

Now, two months later almost, and post-Christmas, I have outside activities three times a week, and I'm  drinking, and smoking, a lot less.

My last post was mostly about where I am now, and I didnt realize the contrast till I went back and re-read my first post.  And I just  thought some background may help me look less like a Jeckle and Hyde.   

, c.

[sweetheart]

It's good to get a less cryptic post from you  with all the gaps filled in now.

Sounds like things got tough and are still tough. Glad you came back. Good to hear some realisations going on.

I can understand how soul destroying being holed up with BPD and addiction is 24/7, untangling yourself from that has to be a priority especially if it is triggering for you.

Remember crumbling get yourself to an emotionally safe place before you start your goal setting, baby steps, be kind to yourself.

When do you go back to work again ?

[Crumbling]

I go back to work the end of April.  My h likely won't go back until late May or early June.

I am grateful that things didn't hit rock bottom over the holidays... .but then, if they had of, things would be different right now. 

I've asked him to voluntarily check in to rehab.  His deadline is Feb 1.  I have another place to stay, but this isn't my first choice in stepping forward, but one I'm willing to take, if he doesn't follow through.

My first choice is to support him in his quest for healing and breaking free. This is my stand.  His deadline is fast approaching.  I don't care what he chooses.  I am just scared poop-less to take this step.  It feels like everything will explode.

One thing I've learned here is that a period of no contact time would help.  Any other insights are welcome.

[Crumbling]

Please define an "emotional safe place"... .I'll do a search... .thanks Sweetheart.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know what sweetheart meant by an emotionally safe place for goal setting. I do know how it feels to need that though.

My marriage started clearly falling apart last October. My wife gave up on it last March.

I was living seperated since October. I had a big project I was working on half-finished, and kept at it kinda doggedly till May when I completed it... .and had something else I immediately had to jump into that kept me busy for another couple months.

I was very glad to have these things. Because I was so busy processing the end of my marriage, and was so distraught or depressed that I had absolutely no idea what I wanted next in my life.

I wasn't in an emotionally safe place to set any goals for myself. Honestly I'm barely there today, over a year later. it took me quite a while to find myself fairly comfortable in a stable but likely interim life before I somehow felt safe thinking about a future I want to dream of or better yet, make happen for myself.

If you don't feel safe living with your numbed and addicted husband, you may be similarly unable to set the kind of goals you want to. (By safe I don't mean physically safe... .you've not mentioned any violence yet)

[Crumbling]

It sounds like diving into distractions has given you time to process things, Grey Kitty.  If the distraction moves you forward in life, is it really so bad?

I do tend to hold tight till the last moment, then jump, full force into my next phase.  And my beloved uncle always said he prayed that I would find patience and learn to step lightly.

As for the physical threats, I am not worried.  He had made me feel threatened less than I can count on one hand in as many years.  And he always backs down when challenged.  I am okay there.   

[Grey Kitty]

I could say that diving into distractions gave me time to process.

It felt more like having projects to keep me busy gave me some purpose in my life, which I desperately needed, while I was processing things.

Either way, it was good for me. I see nothing wrong with holding tight until it is time to jump then leaping off... .the issue is giving yourself time while holding tight to figure out which direction you want to jump. For me, I needed something to feel somewhat safe to really explore that.

[sweetheart]

Hi crumbling sorry I didn't see your question last night. I am using a generic 'you' in my explanation.

Here is a link about emotional safety https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/life-in-the-recovery-room/201405/emotional-safety-what-does-it-really-mean

What I meant by 'emotionally safe place' is somewhere that you do not have to resort to self-destructive coping strategies, where you are away from emotional triggers that bring you to a place close to breakdown, where your environment is free from emotional toxicity. Where you feel safe inside in who you are, strong enough not to loose yourself and become engulfed by difficult feelings.

The reason I mentioned this in my reply to you is that until you feel emotionally safe, it will not be possible for you to set goals. You have to return to yourself first and steady yourself emotionally, hold yourself and know that those terrible feelings will not overwhelm you. When you feel stronger, more emotionally secure then start looking at what goals you want to set.