How do you motivate yourself after the breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am having a difficult time getting back my motivation for anything, work, life, dating you name it.  I know it is caused by the pain and emptiness I feel after my breakup with my BPDx. 

I have tried exercise, B12 vitamins, tried being social.  I am just NOWHERE near what I was before her.  I am a shell of my former self.  How do we get the motivation and passion back? HELP!

[hopealways]

I am having a difficult time getting back my motivation for anything, work, life, dating you name it.  I know it is caused by the pain and emptiness I feel after my breakup with my BPDx. 

I have tried exercise, B12 vitamins, tried being social.  I am just NOWHERE near what I was before her.  I am a shell of my former self.  How do we get the motivation and passion back? HELP!

[JaneStorm]

I am having a difficult time getting back my motivation for anything, work, life, dating you name it.  I know it is caused by the pain and emptiness I feel after my breakup with my BPDx. 

I have tried exercise, B12 vitamins, tried being social.  I am just NOWHERE near what I was before her.  I am a shell of my former self.  How do we get the motivation and passion back? HELP!

How long have you been apart? Any contact since the break-up?

[hopealways]

We have had NC for 4.5 months after 3.5 years.  She usually returns after 2 months. We have broken up 50+ times.

[C.Stein]

Let me know when you figure it out.   :'(

[JaneStorm]

We have had NC for 4.5 months after 3.5 years.  She usually returns after 2 months. We have broken up 50+ times.

Do you remember what you were doing before you met her? Were you happy, functional, and productive or not really in a good place?

[hopealways]

Yes I do remember how I was before I met her: so happy, going out having a great time, motivated like never before, traveling, making friends... .and then BAM! BPD girl came into my life and 6 months after meeting her I started my decline. I have hit rock bottom.  On the + side, I guess there is nowhere else to go but up from rock bottom. But I can't just sit around and wait. I want to be proactive but find it very difficult to get motivated.

[JaneStorm]

Yes I do remember how I was before I met her: so happy, going out having a great time, motivated like never before, traveling, making friends... .and then BAM! BPD girl came into my life and 6 months after meeting her I started my decline. I have hit rock bottom.  On the + side, I guess there is nowhere else to go but up from rock bottom. But I can't just sit around and wait. I want to be proactive but find it very difficult to get motivated.

Me too. I am going through old pictures of my adventures, PRE-BPD. Slowly, through the fog, I am remembering. I am contacting the friends I used to do those activities with; reengaging... .remembering... .visualizing. They have missed me. That person I was is still ME. I am taking small steps to get back in to that life. I won't immediately jump out of planes, rock climb, or traverse caves like I did but I did not go immediately into those activities then. I had a baby-step process. I am beginning these things again. Reengaging in my life is NOT saying I do not love him. I have been brainwashed. I love me too. Moreso.

What are you doing tomorrow? What is the weather like where you are? I am going to pick up dog crap in the morning, ride my Ducati, and meet my friend from college for dinner. Even if I don't feel like doing any of it; I will push through and thank myself later.

[LostGhost]

I'm pretty much on autopilot. I've gotten myself into a routine, though my mind is still occupied almost every hour with thoughts concerning her, the hopes and dreams, the lies and deceit, the relationship or the breakup - good or bad.

I am neither happy or sad, I simply exist. If I am here today and gone tomorrow, that's ok with me. I may be young in my 30's but I'm very tired now, very exhausted by life. It would be sad from an outsider's perspective. The only real complaints I have is that I am completely broke despite having a great paying job and that I am single, which can both be rectified if I try. Yet inside I just feel defeated. Not suicidal - just ready to go, if that makes sense.

So I'm interested in the question posed too.

I'm in great shape physically, best ever in my life. Many hobbies, some good close friends, good nutrition. Maybe it's time to consider medication. I need to stop feeling tired - and it's not mental or physical, it's something deeper, like part of me has just given up due to obliteration of my heart from this relationship.

[C.Stein]

Yet inside I just feel defeated. Not suicidal - just ready to go, if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense.  I actually said something similar to my ex shortly after she betrayed my trust.  I was despondent and defeated, crushed and heart broken.  I believe I told her I was just tired of living.  

I believe that day was the beginning of the end for her.  Even though she never admitted it, it would have been impossible for her not to see the extent of the damage she had done to me in that moment.  Yet even then she could not empathize with me.  I think that is when she began to believe the damage she had done was irreparable.  She could have fixed it too which is the really sad part, but she just pushed on like nothing ever happened.

[LostGhost]

Yet inside I just feel defeated. Not suicidal - just ready to go, if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense.  I actually said something similar to my ex shortly after she betrayed my trust.  I was despondent and defeated, crushed and heart broken.  I believe I told her I was just tired of living.  

I believe that day was the beginning of the end for her.  Even though she never admitted it, it would have been impossible for her not to see the extent of the damage she had done to me in that moment.  Yet even then she could not empathize with me.  I think that is when she began to believe the damage she had done was irreparable.  She could have fixed it too which is the really sad part, but she just pushed on like nothing ever happened.

Exactly and that's the worst part, the salt in the wound. If they came to us with these kind of words, we'd offer a hug, endless comfort, love, affection, whatever was within our power to help them out. But when the tables are turned, they run for the hills. They see what they've done to us and it causes them such intense shame and guilt that they just have to push us away and leave us sitting in the ruins wondering what the hell just happened to our lives while they latch onto the next person to soothe themselves. She always stressed the importance of communication and honesty in relationships - well where was it when it was needed most? 

[hopealways]

"Exactly and that's the worst part, the salt in the wound. If they came to us with these kind of words, we'd offer a hug, endless comfort, love, affection, whatever was within our power to help them out. But when the tables are turned, they run for the hills. They see what they've done to us and it causes them such intense shame and guilt that they just have to push us away and leave us sitting in the ruins wondering what the hell just happened to our lives while they latch onto the next person to soothe themselves. She always stressed the importance of communication and honesty in relationships - well where was it when it was needed most?"


Well said. This is typical BPD. They will never act the way we expect them to, but we won't stop trying and we will exhaust and destroy ourselves in that quest for them to simply show that they truly care.

[C.Stein]

Exactly and that's the worst part, the salt in the wound. If they came to us with these kind of words, we'd offer a hug, endless comfort, love, affection, whatever was within our power to help them out. But when the tables are turned, they run for the hills. They see what they've done to us and it causes them such intense shame and guilt that they just have to push us away and leave us sitting in the ruins wondering what the hell just happened to our lives while they latch onto the next person to soothe themselves. She always stressed the importance of communication and honesty in relationships - well where was it when it was needed most?  

My ex also stressed the importance of communication and honesty in relationships.

I absolutely felt emotionally abandon by her this year, and if I am honest with myself, throughout most of our relationship as well.  

By all appearances what you described above is exactly what my ex did to me.  I needed her to step up, to take responsibility for what she had done, not just issue an insincere apology and believe that was enough.   It really hurt that she couldn't empathize with me, that she expected me to just set aside my pain without any effort on her part to repair the damage she had done.

She admitted (on her own via text) that she had been deceiving me for almost a month at the beginning of this year.  The next time I saw her I was extremely uncomfortable.  She literally acted like nothing had happened and when I didn't respond in the way she thought I should have she got incredibly angry.  I think she expected me to pat her on the back and praise her for coming forward on her own, yet at the time I felt like I was looking at a stranger to some extent and I didn't know how to act towards her.  I know I was feeling extremely hurt and betrayed and still in shock.  

It did take courage on her part to do that, but the reason she did it was not because she was feeling guilty, although that may have been a small part of it, it was mostly because she knew she couldn't keep up the deception any longer because what she wanted to do would have exposed it.  The admission was as selfishly motivated as the deception was and she probably felt it was better if she admitted to it than for me to figure it out on my own.  

[hopealways]

Exactly and that's the worst part, the salt in the wound. If they came to us with these kind of words, we'd offer a hug, endless comfort, love, affection, whatever was within our power to help them out. But when the tables are turned, they run for the hills. They see what they've done to us and it causes them such intense shame and guilt that they just have to push us away and leave us sitting in the ruins wondering what the hell just happened to our lives while they latch onto the next person to soothe themselves. She always stressed the importance of communication and honesty in relationships - well where was it when it was needed most? 

My ex also stressed the importance of communication and honesty in relationships.

I absolutely felt emotionally abandon by her this year, and if I am honest with myself, throughout most of our relationship as well. 

By all appearances what you described above is exactly what my ex did to me.  I needed her to step up, to take responsibility for what she had done, not just issue an insincere apology and believe that was enough.   It really hurt that she couldn't empathize with me, that she expected me to just set aside my pain without any effort on her part to repair the damage she had done.

She admitted (on her own via text) that she had been deceiving me for almost a month at the beginning of this year.  The next time I saw her I was extremely uncomfortable.  She literally acted like nothing had happened and when I didn't respond in the way she thought I should have she got incredibly angry.  I think she expected me to pat her on the back and praise her for coming forward on her own, yet at the time I felt like I was looking at a stranger to some extent. 

It did take courage on her part to do that, but the reason she did it was not because she was feeling guilty, although that may have been a small part of it, it was mostly because she knew she couldn't keep up the deception any longer because what she wanted to do would have exposed it.  The admission was as selfishly motivated as the deception was and she probably felt it was better if she admitted to it than for me to figure it out on my own. 

IN BOLD: I totally felt emotionally abandoned as well. Throughout the entire relationship. Although in the beginning you don't really recognize this because we are so infatuated and in la la land.  I could never imagine emotionally abandoning my SO. It would break my heart. But she did it all the time. Hot/Cold, Push/Pull, Rages, Put Downs, Nothing I did was ever good enough... .it's just the nature of the disorder.

[C.Stein]

But she did it all the time. Hot/Cold, Push/Pull, Rages, Put Downs, Nothing I did was ever good enough... .it's just the nature of the disorder.

I didn't see a lot of that behavior you are describing here.  What I did see though is when I needed her to show compassion and caring for my emotions, particularly when she hurt them, she couldn't find a way to really do it.  

I don't remember her ever coming to me, embracing me and my pain and while looking me in the eyes give me a heart felt sincere apology.  

Just that one small act of kindness, compassion and empathy after the times when she hurt me would have gone a long way towards healing the damage she had caused.  

There may have been a few times when there was something close to that, but those would have been in the beginning during idealization stage.  The times she did the most damage she would completely ignore the emotional pain she had caused me.   I think it was just to painful for her to face it ... .and by extension face herself.

[JaneStorm]

But she did it all the time. Hot/Cold, Push/Pull, Rages, Put Downs, Nothing I did was ever good enough... .it's just the nature of the disorder.

I didn't see a lot of that behavior you are describing here.  What I did see though is when I needed her to show compassion and caring for my emotions, particularly when she hurt them, she couldn't find a way to really do it.  

I don't remember her ever coming to me, embracing me and my pain and while looking me in the eyes give me a heart felt sincere apology.  

Just that one small act of kindness, compassion and empathy after the times when she hurt me would have gone a long way towards healing the damage she had caused.  

There may have been a few times when there was something close to that, but those would have been in the beginning during idealization stage.  The times she did the most damage she would completely ignore the emotional pain she had caused me.   I think it was just to painful for her to face it ... .and by extension face herself.

Mine used to scream in my face to give him compassion when he wanted it. It confused me because I was. I am pathologically empathetic.  When I BEGGED for the same, whether in conflict or not, I was met with stonewalling. I get it now and I don't feel bad about myself anymore. Finding this forum has saved my mind from ruminating on guilt and shame. I loved this journey overall because it really did highlight things I MUST face within myself and address so I don't keep repeating this dynamic. I also cherish the knowledge that I am able to feel that deep of love and devotion for a man; next time, it won't be due to my or his deep dysfunctions!