Out of the blue 9 months ago she proposes we move in together and try again

[GVincent]

So, I'm new here... .I think this will be a bit long, and I apologize in advance.

Been married for 10 years and together with her for 5 additional years. We have a son who is 11, who I adore.

Not sure what order to tell my story, perhaps in flashback -today as I write this, we are 5 days from her moving out and taking my son with her.

I am also moving, big place, can't afford it and the money I'll be giving her.

We met just as I was coming out of a tough relationship, but also, as I was dealing with a gambling addiction (I've kicked it, ODAT). AND, my father was dying of cancer. She was so sweet, so attentive, so NICE. I had to go to the airport to fly urgently back to New York (I live in Paris) to say goodbye, and she came with me to the airport -I'd only known her 2 or 3 days at that point!

Anyway, we started dating, again, so NICE, so attentive -making special dinners, proposing romantic outings, I fell, and fell hard... .I travel a lot for work, so I was often away, and as soon as I came home (we weren't living together), she was there, waiting, happy to see me.

BUT, something felt wrong even then... .I should say, that at this point she was in therapy and on various medications for anxiety, panic attacks, and the like. She also was agoraphobic and claustrophobic to varying degrees. All of this to say, there was a fragile side that scared me at that point... .I tried to break it off, by email, not proud. Her reaction was to say that another man had done that to her, why wasn't she good enough to be loved, she was going to kill herself, etc... .I stayed with her... .even suggested we move in together shortly afterwards.

This was 2002/2003. I was away on a trip and called her at one point then, and she informed me she was pregnant... .what? She was on the pill! She explained this to me as "that can sometimes happen"... .to this day I've never asked any of my doctor friends about that -anyone here know? I believed her in any case... .

Our son was born in 2004, and I have to say, I have doubts, still... .I am of mixed blood, but black for all that (wife is caucasian) but my son is fully caucasian with blue eyes and very light skin... .now, my mother has blue eyes, but my daughter (older, from a first marriage) is clearly mixed... .not my boy... .anyway, he IS my son, and no matter what, I love him. I bring it up because it comes into play as I explain my story.

So, we left Paris, for Zurich, where I got a great job, son was 6 months... .3 years in Zurich, no more therapy, no more meds, and this is where things got bad, the first time - depressed all the time, complaining, distant with me,etc I'm sure it sounds familiar to the people here!

It got to the point where I felt like I couldn't work -I was obsessed with making her feel better, my job performance was suffering, and finally I was on the verge of being fired. So I asked her where she would like to live -"New York" she said... .I'm from there, and long story short, I made that happen.

Now we're in NY and she's managed to get me to get a nanny we can't afford, supposedly so she can find a job, only she doesn't. I pay for her parents to visit from France, again, I can't afford this. We fight, mostly about money, and I end up feeling like I have to do more... .we go to couples therapy but can't agree on a therapist. On many nights, faced with her inability/refusal to communicate, to just talk to me, I storm out to get a drink at a local bar... .

BUT, I stick with it (nice guys finish last). Fast forward -she want to move to California, even though my mother is in New York, again, I make it happen... .she's very happy there, this is when the sex dries up completely. After 8 months, I tell her "I can't do this anymore" I'm editing a lot, otherwise this would be even longer... .I was just feeling like I was the only one contributing to the relationship!

So we split, I move a few blocks away to be close to my son. Then my company asks me to move back to Paris... .I almost forgot, during this period, we're discussing divorce and she's got it in her head that she's going to take me for everything I own (actually don't own anything, have never been able to save because of her spending habits). So I say to her that I'm moving back to Paris. I suggest that it might be easier for her to move back, because she's a civil servant and has family, friends etc... .

She wants to stay in California, but has no job, and is constantly telling me she can't get one that is in line with her superior abilities... .so she does eventually move back (my company footed that bill, after all we were still married).

FAST fast forward... .we lived in separate apartments for the last 4 years since 2011, coparenting and generally getting along, but separated. Yet, often we would eat as a family, go on family vacations (me footing the bill) and it seemed to work.

Then, about 9 months ago, out of the blue, she comes to me and says we should try again... .after basically waiting for her for 4 years (and YES I know I have issues, and yes I've been in therapy for the last 4 years trying to deal with them) I was absolutely over the moon!

We move into a big place, our son of course is so happy... .I should have known better. From the start, she was distant, angry, there was no sex (I tried a couple of times *SIGH*) and we went to NY on vacation, she was off doing her things, I followed her like a puppy dog, not doing anything I wanted... .when I proposed to go for lunch with some of my friends, she told me to go by myself... .a nightmare... .

Back to Paris, after the vacation... .still no sex, no communication... .finally, about 3 months ago I went to her and said I thought things were difficult, but I was in this thing for the long haul, and wanted to know what she felt... .nothing, just looked at me.I pushed it, until finally she said "I'm lost"... .I pushed more, what did that mean (the anger was rising at this point) -I told her that for me, it was clear that if she couldn't actually say she wanted to work on things, that that was indeed my answer... .and I will admit, not proud, I flew off the handle, accusing her of just being with me for money and comfort... .wanting to understand her motivation for proposing we try again when clearly she didn't love or want me, and finally telling her we would divorce!

Well, that was 3 months ago. Since then, life has been a living hell. I have a lawyer and he's counseling me... .first to get into separate places (she's moving out this week) ... .but here's where I am so turned around... .I forgot to mention that since New York she has been completely secretive about her phone and the computer... .hides the phone when I'm around, password protected the computer, etc... .so for all these years, I think I've been suspicious, paranoid, etc, but if you want to make things work, you trust... .if there's no trust, well... .

So here we are, cohabiting (I moved out of our bedroom into my office) and I'm working 12 hour days, traveling, etc... .but now, we're getting divorced, I'm obsessing with her secrets, and (again I'm not proud) I snoop.

Now I know you're all thinking, just get away, no contact, or low contact because of my son, but I snoop and I find -a man's name and number and next to it the name of a well known dating site in France. I have no access to her computer so I go on the site and sure enough there's her profile. I lose it, don't have the wherewithal to really dig, look deeper, but I do see that she's been on the site 2 days prior. I also see that she's carrying condoms now in her purse.

The next day I confront her (in a rage)... .mind you, the rational part of my brain understands it doesn't matter, that this is over, but as I have been trying to understand what I'm living, I have been researching and come to believe that she has many symptoms of BPD, specifically a Waif, and I am the fixer, the Knight... .so now I want to know how much of a lie my marriage has been... .she denies, she gets angry she invents incoherent lies to explain all of this... .I could give more detail but why bother>> I now think that she has been cheating on me throughout our marriage, I just want her to admit it, to confirm all those years of suspicion of lies, of secretive behavior... .now this IS crazy behavior on my part. But the lack of respect in 1/seeing someone, sleeping with them while we're still co-habiting is just killing me, and 2/Lying to my face when presented with pretty condemning evidence.

I just want the truth.

So today, feeling terrible, cried a bit... .and because I'm such a loser, I tell her I've come to accept that she doesn't want to be with me (I think I'm in some serious denial here folk) and that I just want her to be happy. She says she's "sorry" and she wants me to be happy... .but notice sorry, but for what? The end of the marriage, the lying, the cheating (or perhaps not since she won't admit it).

Then I say -when did you know? She says : WHEN YOU TOLD ME WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHEN YOU SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, WHEN YOU DECIDED FOR ME AND WANTED TO CONTROL ME... .now she's absolutely raging, I'm in my offie writing this to all of you... .

So, am I crazy? Am I the one with BPD? Is this all my doing? 2 days ago I was convinced that she has been lying and manipulating me all these years, and now I don't know what to think except (intellectually at least) that this is a toxic waste of time and I need to get out!

Deep down, emotionally, I'm a complete mess... .

Thank you for those who take the time to read this... .it feels good to share. Perhaps someone will be ablr to bring me insight as I go through this -who is BPD here and how did I let myself get trapped in this?

GVIncent

[steelwork]

Then I say -when did you know? She says : WHEN YOU TOLD ME WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHEN YOU SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, WHEN YOU DECIDED FOR ME AND WANTED TO CONTROL ME... .now she's absolutely raging, I'm in my offie writing this to all of you... .

So, am I crazy? Am I the one with BPD?

Wait--so, this is the part that makes you think you have BPD? Because I don't see anything in what you wrote that would indicate it.

[GVincent]

I know Shambles I know... .I think I'm just not able to see clearly through the pain... .thinking I have been the manipulator instead of the manipulated? If that makes any sense... .this is all new to me, and everything has come about basically since last Friday

[steelwork]

I know Shambles I know... .I think I'm just not able to see clearly through the pain... .thinking I have been the manipulator instead of the manipulated? If that makes any sense... .this is all new to me, and everything has come about basically since last Friday

I'm really sorry. What a long and painful ordeal.

I would suggest looking closely at the diagnostic criteria. Never mind what happened in this relationship, which is all a muddle right now--do those criteria fit?

[Michelle27]

I know that I picked up a few "fleas" after 15 years with my ex.  We have some similarities in our story... .15 years together, 11 year old child, etc...   I'm not proud of some of the things I did/didn't do during the relationship but now, 6 months out (9 months separated) I see how heavily I was in the FOG.  It's taking time to heal and I'm working hard on that.  So many stories like ours here, that it helps to know we're not alone.  Keep reading, keep posting and take care of YOU.

[GVincent]

So,

2 days until she moves out... .with our son.

We've been in separate bedrooms since I broke it off 3 months ago, so much pain, and still more to go, but that's ok.

I'll make this short, as everyone has a lot to say -

15 years together, an 11 yo son. I'm codependent and a people pleaser, and of course this was toxic and addictive... .

We were separated for 4 years. I was pining all 4 years DUH!

Out of the blue 9 months ago she proposes we move in together and try again... .sounding familiar anyone?

So I buy it, hook line and sinker. after 3 months together, it's not going well, even if I didn't realize what BPD was during those 4 years, I WAS in therapy and obviously it helped, because after three months of same old same old, no sex, etc. I finally asked her "do you want to be with me, are you ready to work on this?" when she went all passive-aggressive and silent and finally said "I'm lost" I went ballistic and said "there's my answer" we're divorcing!

I asked why she tried again, what she expected, her game plan... .SILENCE.

I've been charmed... .obviously her last relationship had fizzled and so here we are.

With great understanding comes great responsibility... .TO HEAL!

Peace all, I am in pain, but I choose not to suffer.

G

[ReclaimingMyLife]

What a fabulous post, GVincent, so full of hope, wisdom, responsibility, clarity and action.  Thank you.  I salute you.

[hopealways]

You must have felt so frustrated when she said "Im lost". I have had the same experience. Each time we expect that this time it will be different. But it never is. Perpetual loop.

[Skip]

I snoop and I find -a man's name and number and next to it the name of a well known dating site in France. I have no access to her computer so I go on the site and sure enough there's her profile.

I lose it, don't have the wherewithal to really dig, look deeper, but I do see that she's been on the site 2 days prior. I also see that she's carrying condoms now in her purse.

... .So today, feeling terrible, cried a bit... .and because I'm such a loser, I tell her I've come to accept that she doesn't want to be with me (I think I'm in some serious denial here folk) and that I just want her to be happy. She says she's "sorry" and she wants me to be happy... .but notice sorry, but for what? The end of the marriage, the lying, the cheating (or perhaps not since she won't admit it).

Then I say -when did you know? She says : WHEN YOU TOLD ME WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHEN YOU SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, WHEN YOU DECIDED FOR ME AND WANTED TO CONTROL ME... .now she's absolutely raging, I'm in my offie writing this to all of you... .

So, am I crazy? Am I the one with BPD? Is this all my doing? 2 days ago I was convinced that she has been lying and manipulating me all these years, and now I don't know what to think except (intellectually at least) that this is a toxic waste of time and I need to get out!

Betrayal anxiety is really hard GV - it's a horrible thing to do to another human being.

Some of the thoughts you are having sound like depressive thinking. Depression wrecks havoc with our psyche. Have you had a meds evaluation?  Anti anxiety medication or antidepressants? It would help to get you on terra firma.

Where is she going? How far away will your son be?

[GVincent]

What a roller-coaster huh?

Michelle, thanks for the support... .I am reading, and reading and sometimes re-reading and it helps indeed!

Hope -yes frustrated, but I think I was in a way working for the 4 years on ME, I was and am in therapy, and it only took me 3 months this time to stick up for myself. She is sick,I hope she gets better, I love her. I am no longer responsible for her however. At the moment I was soo frustrated, but I'm coming to see and understand that this is right. The only way either of us can grow, but especially I can grow, is to leave.

Reclaiming -thank you for your kind words. I don't know about wisdom yet, but certainly on the (long hard) road to recovery. Frankly also to understanding LOVE, real LOVE for the first time. It wasn't what I was giving in the relationship, because I didn't love myself. I intend to however, and then maybe some day I can truly love another!

Skip - we'll be LC, co-parenting and only about 1/2 a mile from eachother. But I'll get to see my kid, am close to his school, afford my little new place, all things to be thankful for. No illusions though, the work is just beginning, and maintaing LC, creating boundaries, not lapsing back in to the fantasy of what could have been... .it's really quite daunting when I think about it. On the other hand, right now, exchanging with you beautiful people, I'm good. that's enough. As to depression-you're right, and I have been more or less shuffling between that stage of grief and anger, but it is moving... .Also, I am in therapy and we discussed it, so for the moment, no meds, but probably more frequent visits to the couch LOL. Thank you for the support... .hopefully I can pay it all forward!

G