Smear campaign?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Has anyone had experience with a borderline who ran out of lies to tell the people you all know and moved themselves to a different group of people to further validate their vile behavior?

I told my Bpdx the truth about his behavior giving examples in detail, and told him that he needs professional help, along with references to Bpd related books. He later took that email and posted it on Facebook. ... which I'm sure he tried to use that as amo, but from the comments a lot of people agreed with me. He claims to be seeking help but, I don't believe it. He also tried to break our no contact by asking for my phone number again (like I changed it *eye roll*) but, I said unless it's about visiting or our LO is sick, NO. So I suppose it was just a test to try and suck me back in. But... .

My Bpdex has since become grossly  apologetic due to getting an ear full from his family, not by my doing. All of his friends and family have recognized his behavior and have since started to speak up about it. He has currently found a new group of friends out of state to campaign with and, I am sure that this will fail at some point too. What is your experience with the ending and realization of from others about the smear campaign?

[JayApril]

Has anyone had experience with a borderline who ran out of lies to tell the people you all know and moved themselves to a different group of people to further validate their vile behavior?

I told my Bpdx the truth about his behavior giving examples in detail, and told him that he needs professional help, along with references to Bpd related books. He later took that email and posted it on Facebook. ... which I'm sure he tried to use that as amo, but from the comments a lot of people agreed with me. He claims to be seeking help but, I don't believe it. He also tried to break our no contact by asking for my phone number again (like I changed it *eye roll*) but, I said unless it's about visiting or our LO is sick, NO. So I suppose it was just a test to try and suck me back in. But... .

My Bpdex has since become grossly  apologetic due to getting an ear full from his family, not by my doing. All of his friends and family have recognized his behavior and have since started to speak up about it. He has currently found a new group of friends out of state to campaign with and, I am sure that this will fail at some point too. What is your experience with the ending and realization of from others about the smear campaign?

[once removed]

hey jayapril 

heres the thing: BPD is a persecution complex. when you tell "the truth about his behavior" it is received that way. truthfully, no person would take it well, being analyzed by a former romantic partner and told that they need professional help. pwBPD also have a limited set of primitive coping mechanisms, which include but are not limited to forming drama triangles, and seeking a rescuer.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

can you how this might be playing out and where you might be on the triangle?

[Mutt]

Hi JayApril,

I was in a smear campaign although it was very different than moving from a group of people to another group of people to tell lies.

I triggered what my ex wife fears the most, her fear of abandonment. At the center of the disorder is a narcissistic wound, the core wound of abandonment and a source of anger and rage, I was split black. She's dependent on others to survive and started a romantic relationship with another man in our marriage.

Some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder, she projected her feelings of shame because she can't cope with anything negative about herself and told our family and friends that I was an abusive husband and father. She burned our relationship to the ground and left with the other man. Eventually the her anger, rage and lies subsided.

I did say to my ex wife once that I thought that she has BPD and I triggered her and she became volatile. I was angry and wanted her to get help for her mental illness but she doesn't take well to advice and she meets people with resistance.

I told my Bpdx the truth about his behavior giving examples in detail, and told him that he needs professional help, along with references to Bpd related books. He later took that email and posted it on Facebook. ... which I'm sure he tried to use that as amo, but from the comments a lot of people agreed with me.

I think that we would have to think with how we would react if someone suffers from a serious mental illness and approach them with empathy. I think that the same thing could be said for change and that we have to want to change our behaviors in order for us to become healthier.

BPD also has a stigma attached to it and something like anxiety and depression easier for people to accept than a personality disorder. I would encourage for a loved on to seek help for anxiety and depression and that way it starts things moving towards treatment. That being said. I think that your BPDex may be triggered with family members when you said that he is getting an earful from family.

What are your feelings about getting your ex help? How would you approach it differently?

[JayApril]

Hi JayApril,

I was in a smear campaign although it was very different than moving from a group of people to another group of people to tell lies.

I triggered what my ex wife fears the most, her fear of abandonment. At the center of the disorder is a narcissistic wound, the core wound of abandonment and a source of anger and rage, I was split black. She's dependent on others to survive and started a romantic relationship with another man in our marriage.

Some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder, she projected her feelings of shame because she can't cope with anything negative about herself and told our family and friends that I was an abusive husband and father. She burned our relationship to the ground and left with the other man. Eventually the her anger, rage and lies subsided.

I did say to my ex wife once that I thought that she has BPD and I triggered her and she became volatile. I was angry and wanted her to get help for her mental illness but she doesn't take well to advice and she meets people with resistance.

I told my Bpdx the truth about his behavior giving examples in detail, and told him that he needs professional help, along with references to Bpd related books. He later took that email and posted it on Facebook. ... which I'm sure he tried to use that as amo, but from the comments a lot of people agreed with me.

I think that we would have to think with how we would react if someone suffers from a serious mental illness and approach them with empathy. I think that the same thing could be said for change and that we have to want to change our behaviors in order for us to become healthier.

BPD also has a stigma attached to it and something like anxiety and depression easier for people to accept than a personality disorder. I would encourage for a loved on to seek help for anxiety and depression and that way it starts things moving towards treatment. That being said. I think that your BPDex may be triggered with family members when you said that he is getting an earful from family.

What are your feelings about getting your ex help? How would you approach it differently?

To answer your question after reading your great response, thanks. I wouldn't approach it any different. The email that I sent was empathetic enough for him  to understand I wasn't trying to be rude. Which is why I believe that people agreed in his comments. I wanted him to know that after three times of him telling me that he knows he needs help, that road to recovery or feeling better long term is in his hands.

I thought once before that he might be triggered by family. Great point.

[JayApril]

hey jayapril 

heres the thing: BPD is a persecution complex. when you tell "the truth about his behavior" it is received that way. truthfully, no person would take it well, being analyzed by a former romantic partner and told that they need professional help. pwBPD also have a limited set of primitive coping mechanisms, which include but are not limited to forming drama triangles, and seeking a rescuer.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

can you how this might be playing out and where you might be on the triangle?

Oh of course, me being "the abuser" and he the victim in his projection triangle is nothing new. What he forgets is that my behavior never matches his lies. Thus said people begin not to believe him anymore or question him and he searches for someone else to lie to.

I remember my mom telling me about protection triangles.

[once removed]

jay,

the karpman drama triangle isnt one persons projection. its a dynamic that everyone on the triangle is actively participating in. roles can switch around, too. lets look at it this way:

persecutor: i see through your lies. you have BPD and need professional help.

victim: jayapril called me a crazy liar!

rescuer: (anyone who will listen and validate)

when you engage, defend yourself, argue, or otherwise give him a piece of your mind, it is feeding this dynamic which is, understandably, further frustrating you. you likely arent getting through, youre confirming in his mind, his perception of you. you want off the triangle, yes?

[Creativum]

Remember, also, that those who do not validate the pwBPD's stories of woe can often be considered abandonment risks.  Their neutrality or taking of the opposite side can be seen as rejection.  A child is never wrong.

Also remember that where you find one person with BPD, you'll often find a nest.  The parents very frequently pass it on to their children, since BPD is a result of genetics/biology and "imprinting" ... .So don't expect any kind of sympathetic ears if you reach out to his/her family to try to "help" him -- a BPD parent will see you as invalidating and rejecting them for criticizing their natural, vain extension of themselves.  In this Dr. Phil Psych 101 relationship world we live in, there is no room for any "real talk" with anyone in that person's circle.  People will simply project it back onto you.  You'll notice a great deal of immaturity in their superficial "friendships," as well, so, honestly?  Let it go.  These people simply aren't worth the stress, anguish, or hurt.