Is there every a time when you're not the bad guy?

[RaisenCane]

I'm struggling to hold it together with my uBPDw. I want to reconcile and have a better relationship with her but it seems that I can't do anything right. Any question I ask her is answered with a couple of words then she will tell me I'm incapable of having a conversation because I only ask questions and don't interact. She glares at me with anger and disdain most of the time so wanting to talk to her is a struggle. I'm trying to be encouraging and appreciative of everything she does but she tells me she doesn't want anything from me. I try to do what she asks but usually get it wrong because I "didn't hear her" and I "just make it worse." She really wants to separate but I don't want to and I really don't want to do it during the holidays because of the kids but I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. I'm trying to be forgiving and find grace when dealing with her but she is unwilling to forgive me and doesn't want to work on our marriage. My T is telling me to continue to be nice and to be gracious but it's getting harder every day. Being the bad guy is exhausting and depressing.

RaisenCane

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, I've been where you are. It's so hard to keep giving, and putting up with blame, and sometimes abuse, and knowing that whatever you do, it likely won't be enough. For so many with BPD, it's so hard to change perspective, and so hard for them to look for the "good".

As for her saying you are incapable of having a conversation, what does she think asking questions is? You are clearly trying to communicate with her, yet she'd being rather judgemental. I'd love to have a spouse who would communicate. BPDh shuts down, and refuses to most times, unless it's on a very superficial level. Plus, he plays this game where if I ask him anything, he answers my question with a question(and we are not talking about just him asking for clarification, it's clearly a game, and him dodging on purpose because he just doesn't like to be asked any questions). It's maddening.

It IS very hard to keep giving, and keep putting up with bad treatment, and yes, we are only human. It can wear on you, and make you question how long you can keep it up. I too want a better relationship and marriage, but I know that I'm only half of this marriage, and even if I'm knocking myself out working on myself and this marriage, I can't force BPD to try to be happy, or to try to learn healthier behaviors. It's sad, and like you, I have my moments of asking myself "how long can I keep this up", but then we'll have a good day, and I renew hope. Or learn to cope a little better, maybe.

Just know you aren't alone, and good intentions and effort do not always equate to success when you are married to someone with a PD. Marriage is a joint effort, and it only take one person to truly give up, and want out, for the marriage to fail. I've been left, and we reconciled, and that fact has really been driven home.

[waverider]

It is very hard to stay off center stage with a pwBPD. Everything you try seems to make it worse.

Take a read through this topic and see if there are any ideas you could incorporate

PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

Waverider

[Notwendy]

Have you read up on the Drama triangle and the process of projection? I think this will help you understand the different roles in dysfunctional thinking/relationships and not take that "bad guy" role personally.

From what I have observed with pw BPD is that they tend to take the "victim" perspective and make someone/something else the "bad guy". Victim position has the payoff of not being responsible, not being blamed for something. Projection is a defensive process that helps them not feel their own bad feelings, particularly shame.

An event that illustrated this for me as a teen was that once my mother (wBPD) missed a medical appointment and came raging at me for "making her miss it" and insisting that I call and get her another one. I had nothing to do with that- didn't even know she had an appointment. She was probably upset about missing it, and maybe the doctor office was abrupt with her. Her response was to project it at me. I didn't understand that at the time, and so it was upsetting.

Now that I understand what this is, this kind of thing doesn't really affect me much. Yes, it is frustrating to deal with, but it isn't about me. Staying off the drama triangle requires stepping out of any of the 3 roles: victim, persecutor, and not trying to be the "good guy" - rescuer. It's important to not think in terms of "good guy" and "bad guy". I think those of us with rescuer tendencies want to be the "good guy".

I think your T gave you some good advice- to not react to her anger and continue to be pleasant and consistent. It's  her choice to be angry at this point, and it would be her choice to let go of it. She's going to do this on her own time. It's also your choice to decide how long you wish to be dealing with it, but it may be easier to deal with if you understand the reasons for it. I assume you have apologized for any part you have had in this, but past an apology and a sincere effort on your part, the rest is up to her.

[RaisenCane]

Thanks for the great advice. I'm still new at these techniques and frankly stink at them. I take everything personally and immediate start defending. When that doesn't work, I turn into persecutor (strike 2) and when that doesn't work I'm the Bad guy, feel terrible about the conversation, apologize, feet about it all night and the next day and the cycle continues. She however moves on (since she did nothing wrong) but wi remember it to throw in my face later. I see the cycle, I live the cycle, I ride the cycle but I really need to BREAK THE DARN CYCLE.

RaisenCane