He found a replacement. I am heartbroken

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I am at work today and made the mistake of logging into facebook. A new girl that he became friends with last month posted that she was at the football game and tagged my ex in it. He also spent last Thanksgiving with her and some of his coworkers. I am heartbroken. We have been broken up for a month and finally saw each other yesterday. He was so loving and kissed me several times and we ended up having sex. I had to leave because I was heading to work and he was watching my dog. I returned and his attitude was different. He said he was going to have some beers with the guys but that we should get together this coming week. He also mentioned going to the game with male friend. Today I see that it is actually the girl he became friends with this month and she tagged him in the post. I tried to call him immediately and he didn't answer. I then texted him "really?" No response. I am heartbroken. What do I do now? I am stuck at work, but I am planning on confronting him when I get off. Her car is parked in front of his house. I feel lied to. I wanted to rekindle the relationship before this happened.

Any advice would be great. I cannot stop crying.

[Lovingme35]

I am at work today and made the mistake of logging into facebook. A new girl that he became friends with last month posted that she was at the football game and tagged my ex in it. He also spent last Thanksgiving with her and some of his coworkers. I am heartbroken. We have been broken up for a month and finally saw each other yesterday. He was so loving and kissed me several times and we ended up having sex. I had to leave because I was heading to work and he was watching my dog. I returned and his attitude was different. He said he was going to have some beers with the guys but that we should get together this coming week. He also mentioned going to the game with male friend. Today I see that it is actually the girl he became friends with this month and she tagged him in the post. I tried to call him immediately and he didn't answer. I then texted him "really?" No response. I am heartbroken. What do I do now? I am stuck at work, but I am planning on confronting him when I get off. Her car is parked in front of his house. I feel lied to. I wanted to rekindle the relationship before this happened.

Any advice would be great. I cannot stop crying.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi, I am sorry you're going through this ,are you sure he is going out with her or it was just a going to the game thing ,

take a deep breath and collect your thoughts , and go on like usual and meet him after work calmly and find out what's going on .

Have you seen her before with him ? Is she a colleague at work ?

Hope that helps .

[Lovingme35]

Hi, I am sorry you're going through this ,are you sure he is going out with her or it was just a going to the game thing ,

take a deep breath and collect your thoughts , and go on like usual and meet him after work calmly and find out what's going on .

Have you seen her before with him ? Is she a colleague at work ?

Hope that helps .

She lives about two hours away from him. She does not work with him. She has a pic on her facebook of her sitting next to his pool the weekend before Thanksgiving. You are right that I need to calm down. It is just hard.

[Skip]

I wouldn't contact him today. Time is not of the essence, you are far to vulnerable, there is not going to be any answer from him that will help right now, you'll just get more upset.

It may not be what it seems and if you go off, you will be mad at yourself. It also may be different than you think.

Just chat with us for a bit. Gather yourself.

We'll walk with you on this.

[Lovingme35]

I wouldn't contact him today. Time is not of the essence, you are far to vulnerable, there is not going to be any answer from him that will help right now, you'll just get more upset.

It may not be what it seems and if you go off, you will be mad at yourself. It also may be different than you think.

Just chat with us for a bit. Gather yourself.

We'll walk with you on this.

I want to hear his side of the story. Why would he not text me back then? He has never done that. I called him an hour before the game started so he knew I was calling.

[Lovingme35]

I feel like no contact after the break up was a mistake now. This seriously breaks my heart.

[Lovingme35]

Where do I go from here? What if he doesn't contact me after the game ends?

[Skip]

Where do I go from here? What if he doesn't contact me after the game ends?

Couple's survive this type of thing and can go on to have great lives.

This is an awkward situation at best and corning him while you are emotional is a recipe for things getting worse, fast.

I know you want answers.  You have to choose now between trying to solve this (which means gather yourself first) or trying to confront him to answer to you because you are very upset and feel betrayed (and rightfully so).

It's a hard choice to make. One will take you down one path, the other will take you down another.

Your call, of course.  We are just trying to guide you to a place that give you the most ability to take and approac and makes decisions that you will not regret 3 months from now. 

[Lovingme35]

Where do I go from here? What if he doesn't contact me after the game ends?

Couple's survive this type of thing and can go on to have great lives.

This is an awkward situation at best and corning him while you are emotional is a recipe for things getting worse, fast.

I know you want answers.  You have to choose now between trying to solve this (which means gather yourself first) or trying to confront him to answer to you because you are very upset and feel betrayed (and rightfully so).

It's a hard choice to make. One will take you down one path, the other will take you down another.

Your call, of course.  We are just trying to guide you to a place that give you the most ability to take and approac and makes decisions that you will not regret 3 months from now. 

I think if he does not contact me by the end of the night, I will go ahead and delete him. I am tired of being emotionally drained.

[Lovingme35]

I think if there is any chance of saving any part of our relationship, walking away and abandoning him would be the best choice. That is of course if I find out that this was a date. Sleeping with me yesterday and then having a date the next day is crossing all boundaries. I think it's more than a date though. He was pressuring me to be exclusive with him after only a week of dating. This has been a longer time frame.

[Lovingme35]

Why would he be so loving the day before and then take someone else to the game today? This is a big thing for him. I am just confused because when he has dated someone else in the past, he has completely pushed me away and turned me black.

[JaneStorm]

Why would he be so loving the day before and then take someone else to the game today? This is a big thing for him. I am just confused because when he has dated someone else in the past, he has completely pushed me away and turned me black.

That sounds so very painful. I am so sorry you are going through this. Protect yourself in regards to STDs if you take him back.

[Infern0]

I think if there is any chance of saving any part of our relationship, walking away and abandoning him would be the best choice. That is of course if I find out that this was a date. Sleeping with me yesterday and then having a date the next day is crossing all boundaries. I think it's more than a date though. He was pressuring me to be exclusive with him after only a week of dating. This has been a longer time frame.

Try to relax

you had a good experience yesterday, are you currently broken up and not in a commited relationship.

You have to be as relaxed and calm and emotionally stable as possible while trying to repair the relationship. jumping to conclusions and becoming emotionally unstable will not help, trust me from my experience.

What happens if you blow up at him, ruin things and then find out after the fact that they were in fact just friends

[Lovingme35]

Update. I took your advice and didn't contact him yesterday. This morning I got a text saying he didn't hear the phone ring and then when he saw my text, he didn't text back because he didn't want the drama. I responded an hour later and asked if we could meet and talk. He said no, that he had plans today and tomorrow. Things went bad from there. He accused me of stalking him on Facebook. I said that we should just go our own separate ways. He kept stalling because he didn't want to, but then would attack me again saying he should have never watched my dog for me. Before we had got off the phone he had already deleted me on facebook, when I said that I would do that. He lied several times, saying that he was with a group and that the girl drove by herself. I know for a fact that was a lie. He said he may date her in the future, but wasn't sure. I wished him the best and hung up.

I am so hurt. He pretty much showed he didn't care at all, but wanted to keep me in orbit. I removed the orbit. Anything I can do at this point? Focus on myself and separate myself until the relationship fails right? It hasn't hit me yet, I'm at work again. When it does I am going to have a breakdown. I love him to death and this was the last thing I wanted :'(

Please help

[JaneStorm]

Update. I took your advice and didn't contact him yesterday. This morning I got a text saying he didn't hear the phone ring and then when he saw my text, he didn't text back because he didn't want the drama. I responded an hour later and asked if we could meet and talk. He said no, that he had plans today and tomorrow. Things went bad from there. He accused me of stalking him on Facebook. I said that we should just go our own separate ways. He kept stalling because he didn't want to, but then would attack me again saying he should have never watched my dog for me. Before we had got off the phone he had already deleted me on facebook, when I said that I would do that. He lied several times, saying that he was with a group and that the girl drove by herself. I know for a fact that was a lie. He said he may date her in the future, but wasn't sure. I wished him the best and hung up.

I am so hurt. He pretty much showed he didn't care at all, but wanted to keep me in orbit. I removed the orbit. Anything I can do at this point? Focus on myself and separate myself until the relationship fails right? It hasn't hit me yet, I'm at work again. When it does I am going to have a breakdown. I love him to death and this was the last thing I wanted :'(

Please help

This is a heartbreaking realization. I know. Is there any way you can get out of town for the weekend with friends to have some fun and get space? It does not feel like it now, but he did you a favor.

[Lovingme35]

No I am working and I need to start preparing to move. I hope in instilled fear into his heart. I told him I was moving next week and refused to tell him where I was going. I am so angry.

[JaneStorm]

No I am working and I need to start preparing to move. I hope in instilled fear into his heart. I told him I was moving next week and refused to tell him where I was going. I am so angry.

Keep coming back here to share.

[steve195915]

First of all I'd like to say to  Lovingme35 that I feel sorry for the pain that you feel from you're SO lying to you and that he may have been sleeping with someone else while saying sweet things to you and having sex with you.  Then after you confront him you don't get any answers, apology, but lies, coldness and attacks.  Not knowing makes it harder and painful to make a decision and then your are left wondering if the decision was based on the correct facts.

After reading all the posts I was wondering why no one suggested Lovingme35 contact the other women and ask if they are in a relationship and tell her the things he said to her and that they had sex.  Since he wouldn't admit anything why not find out the facts and if he is also playing the other woman, wouldn't it

it be proper that they both know, or at least have the truth of whats going on?  Even if the other woman decided to ignore it, at least she was told.  I think it could've been tactfully. 

Why aren't people called down for their actions?  If we knew the SO of one of our siblings was cheating on them, would we just ignore it or say something? 

[Skip]

He pretty much showed he didn't care at all, but wanted to keep me in orbit.

This is possibly what is going on... .

I love him to death and this was the last thing I wanted :'(    Please help  

This could also be what is going on... .

I know you are upset and I'm not defending him.

You have been broken up for over a month and you didn't get together until yesterday and neither of you could expect that it would turn out to be intimate).

From his eyes: He had a prior commitment to an event which was a multi-person event that had to have been planned in advance and certainly within his right as a single guy not in a relationship. He ended up in a very awkward spot  - too late to change plans - can't ask you to go along - and didn't want to hurt your feelings or quash the reunion or other peoples feelinngs. So he said he was going with some guys (and that was true). He omitted to mention the girl (probably hoping that this would go by unnoticed). Awkward, yes. Not handed the best.  Not the worst, either - you two aren't in a committed relationship and he isn't accountable to you.

From your eyes: Your shared something very personal after being apart for a long time. Afterward, rather than warmth and closeness, he stiffened up, got distant, and went to a ball game.  You check his Facebook, your feelings are crushed (anyone's would be) so you texted him a "busted" text.  Awkward, yes. Not handed the best.  Not the worst either - you took the time to calm down.

Today you clashed. You feel he did not respect your heart. He feels you did not respect his boundaries. Chairs and dishes fly.Now you are talking about moving to instill fear is his heart, even though "I love him to death and this was the last thing I wanted".

This is a terribly awkward situation for both of you. It has two sides.

If you want him, is the best reaction to pushing him away (and toward this other person) as hard as you can. Does this make sense, for you (a serious question, as it may)?

When we get our feelings hurt, sometimes it is more effective to be vulnerable than confrontational.  You could have said (or could say):

"I'm sorry. I over-reacted. We are broken up and obviously you had made plans before we got together. It just really hurt my heart that after we were together, the day ended up like it did. Why don't we both cool off for a few days and put this behind us"

I'm not telling you that you should make up. I just offering you one option (of many) if you want to get the reconciliation back on track. Another option is to wait for your ex to take action.  steve195915 offered you a scorched earth option (it should strike even more fear in his heart than moving). You have choices.

Sorry this has been so up (way up) and so down. I hope the best for you.  

[Lovingme35]

He did text after we hung up and basically said that I over reacted and it didn't have to be this way. I responded with skip's suggestion.

We will see where it goes from here.

Thanks

[Lovingme35]

He responded, "well said."

You get bonus points skip!

[Skip]

This is a good read:

    Assert rather than persecute. Instead of the actions of the persecutor,  who blames and punishes - give up trying to force or manipulate others to do what you want. Take on the new behaviors of "doing " and "asserting ". Ask for what you want. Say no for what you don't want. Give constructive feedback. Initiate negotiations. Take positive action.

    Be vulnerable, but not a victim. "Victims " often feel overwhelmed, too defeated to solve their problems and emotions. They look to someone else to do it for them. Instead of the victim  role you need to be emotionally mature (vulnerable, not needy), accept the situation you are in and take responsibility to problem solve and function in a more healthy and happy way. Put real thought into what you want and how to get it, and take action to make it happen.

    Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer  and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -  simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer  has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.



https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle