Starting Codependency Steps-- anyone want to join in?

[kc sunshine]

The first ones:

1. I admit I am powerless over BPD (is is better to say BPD in general? or our BPDex?) and that my life had/has become unmanageable.

2. There is a higher power that can restore me to sanity.

3. I am making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my higher power.

[cloudten]

I will join you in this... .I haven't been to a CoDA meeting yet, but I know it needs to be part of my recovery.

[fromheeltoheal]

Nope, can't go there myself, codependency is not a disease, it's a collection of beliefs about ourselves and the world that don't serve us, that are disempowering.  And they're changeable, as are relationships; I may be powerless over borderline personality disorder, I can't cure it and neither can anyone else, but I'm not powerless over whom I hang out with, and part of getting beyond codependency is to realize and accept we have the right and the power to populate our lives with people who empower us and remove the ones who don't.

[Eyeamme]

Nope, can't go there myself, codependency is not a disease, it's a collection of beliefs about ourselves and the world that don't serve us, that are disempowering.  And they're changeable, as are relationships; I may be powerless over borderline personality disorder, I can't cure it and neither can anyone else, but I'm not powerless over whom I hang out with, and part of getting beyond codependency is to realize and accept we have the right and the power to populate our lives with people who empower us and remove the ones who don't.

This is so helpful. I need to have it tattooed on my hand. 

[eeks]

1. I admit I am powerless over BPD (is is better to say BPD in general? or our BPDex?) and that my life had/has become unmanageable.

Hi kc sunshine,

I won't be "joining you", because the 12-step/reliance on a "higher power" thing doesn't really appeal to me.  However, I'd be happy to ask you some questions to prompt reflection.

My understanding is that in 12-step programs, e.g. for addiction, the person would say they are powerless over the substance they are addicted to. 

So, here, isn't it "codependency" that's in focus, not "BPD"? 

I know you just started this thread, and you were probably going to do this next, but I think it would be helpful to identify which of your behaviours in relationship are codependent.  Then, once you've figured that out, ask yourself, do you feel "powerless" over those behaviours?  Has your life become unmanageable?  If so, what evidence do you observe in your life that tells you that's the case?

[thisworld]

Hi kc sunshine,

Congratulations on doing something only for yourself and your healing (whatever that is), you are already less co-dependent

Hopefully, you will remember to take what you need from the programme and disregard the rest (an old 12 step saying) rather than labelling yourself as a co-dependent for the rest of your life (as some members unfortunately do). If you feel less co-dependent one day, more empowered one day, if you think you are reacting to your inner and outside worlds with more efficient tools, thinking patterns that are making you happier, please do not force yourself to think about yourself as an eternally incurable person. 

I'm an atheist and perhaps an existentialist who believes in personal choice (and am not willing to hand my power over to anyone:)). However, with a good sponsor who didn't pressure me on the belief and submission aspect, I managed to complete 12 steps (for families of addicts an alcoholics) and learnt a great deal about myself (it says God as we understand him, mine was "there is no god, but perhaps I can give away some power, stop feeling responsible for everything and accept the randomness of Life itself. Steps 6 and 7 were a bit ineffective for me, but who cares, I don't need to be perfect. The most important thing I learnt from the programme:)) Interestingly, this concept, leaving certain things to life itself, being able to say "who knows" and not feeling anxious came up in secular therapies I received as well. So, good luck with it. Also, please do not forget that some aspects of what we so readily call co-dependency are actually healthy caring behaviours in healtier relationships with persons who do not have a disorder. (Personally I'm closer to programmes based on individual empowerment but the love and acceptance I received in 12-step groups was a great lesson, too:))   

Eeks,

kc sunshine's interpretation of step 1 is correct because kc sunshine's codependency (the way 12 steps understands it) is revealed through partner's disease (for instance, alcoholism) and when partners, families etc enter these programmes, they usually think that the problem that is making their lives difficult is not related to themselves but to the partner's disease. At that stage, they have most probably built a life revolving around the partner's alcoholism - and trying to change everyone and everything but themselves. The first step teaches us that there is nothing we can do about someone else's actions if those people do not change themselves (we can only take actions built on what we can do -leave, stay but detach, stay and suffer), and from the 4th step onwards, hopefully we will be focusing on ourselves and ourselves only. These steps are actually like a mix of psychoanalysis and Buddhism. Similarly, CoDa members first need to understand that they cannot control anything anybody does, they can only design their own journey through life. It's not symmetrical for AA members and Al-anon (families of AA members) for instance. An AA member will always be an alcoholic, regardless of the time under their belt. A co-dependent however, is not powerless over their co-dependency, with the steps they will learn to detach. However, they will always remain powerless about changing somebody else's actions. That's why, kc sunshine is not powerless on co-dependency, they are powerless about BPD - but not powerless about how they react to BPD. (In terms of "partner, family" programmes, SMART would have this basic approach)

Have a good day everyone:))

[Michelle27]

I'm in.  I recognize the co-dependency is at the root of how I ended up in not one but 2 abusive marriages and a relationship in which I did stand up for my beliefs and values but still attempted to take care of him and help him through his own issues.  I need to shed this part of me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I need to shed this part of me.

Nice Michelle!  It's great that you see your cedependency as a part of you that can be shed, and your codependency is not who you are.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks for this discussion, it is so clarifying. I was confused about the what I was powerless over (my co-d ways, BPD, my ex in particular?) so it is helpful.

"I am powerless over BPD. But not powerless over how I react to BPD."

I love that sentence.

I think I would try to control BPD by trying to 1) fight it (defend myself against the accusations or try to argue for the relationship) or 2) manage it (at my best, use validation techniques; at my worst, hide things so as not to not trigger anything) 3) deny that it was a big deal, especially when things were good.

How did you all try to control BPD?

[Michelle27]

I think I tried to control it by learning about it so I could "fix" it.  I thought if I knew enough I could help him.  It was years before it dawned on me that first he has to want to fix it himself and I can only work on me.  In the FOG I tried so many things... .responding to rages with anger, trying desperately to use logic, leaving when things were out of control, trying to control the environment (telling my kids to stay out of his way when I could see something brewing), going to various professionals (doctors, 3 different marriage counselors, a couples communication course, 2 hospital admissions, helping his friend organize an intervention, validation, empathy... .etc.). 

[unicorn2014]

Sure, I worked this program as a teenager. It works best with meetings and a sponsor. Are those available in your area?

[thisworld]

Hello people,

I've just checked my Anon chest and found a book (Pathways to recovery) - this was one of the books we used in our readings and then we talked on all these questions that were at the end of the chapter at different times (this is questions for step 1) - then those who chose to work with a  sponsor worked on these questions one by one and discussed them in private. I just wanted to share them with you, they helped me a great deal at one point in my life and maybe they would be of use to you, too. (I changed alcohol to BPD)

Love and greetings,   

1. Do I accept that I cannot change another person's disorder? Another person's behavior?

2. How do I recognize that the BPD person is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

3. Do I accept that BPD is a disorder? How does that change how I deal with a person with BPD?

4. How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

5. What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

6. How do I feel when the person with BPD refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

7. What would happen if I stopped trying to change the person with BPD or anyone else?

8. How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them?

9. Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

10. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

11. In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

12. What brought me into here? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

13. Who has expressed concern about my behavior? Give examples.

14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

15. How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

16. Do I say "yes" when I mean to say "no"? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

17. Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

18. How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the the midst of a crisis?

19. How well do I take care of myself?

20. How do I feel when I am alone?

21. What is the difference between pity and love?

22. Am I attracted to people with disorders and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

23. Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

[unicorn2014]

Is that an  al-anon book? If so I have it. I worked a program around my ex. Looks like I'm going to have work a program around my partner. Thanks for this. I'll print it out.

[unicorn2014]

Yep, I have that book. I have a sponsor in another program but it's been a long time since I worked the steps in this program. I know someone I could ask but in the meantime I guess I'll write them out in my journal since I'm really struggling hard with a justified resentment against my pwBPD. Thank you. My second to last therapist gave me a beautiful journal to write in, so I think I will use that. I hope this is the last hard work I have to do on a relationship . I'm tired, burnt out and emotionally numb.

[thisworld]

You're welcome Unicorn. I'm happy that you find it useful. Why are you struggling with resentment, may I ask? Is it paralysing your life and causing a struggle because of that, or do you think you should not feel it? If you think it's justified, isn't it OK to feel it for a while? Till you are ready to let go (which is not an order or a duty but a feeling that comes with healing or maybe a guideline?

[unicorn2014]

I think I should not feel it because for a personality like mine justified resentment is very dangerous.

I pulled out my paths to recovery, bookmarked the questions and am going to get to work. I really appreciate you bringing this up.

[kc sunshine]

14. How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

I think this is a great question. For me it was unmanageable, because it was super stressful. Either my BPD ex was mad at me and I was super stressed out, or she wanted me and I would drop things that I needed/wanted to do to go be with her to avoid her anger. (and also to enjoy her nice company-- she could be super funny and charming). When things really got bad in the breakup things became unmanageable because I was exhausted, miserable, crying too much and at my wit's end. There's more here but those are the big ways.

How about yours?

[unicorn2014]

For me it's question 15, do I seek approval or affirmation? I know as an adult child this is especially dangerous for me. I tend to be friends with a lot of the old timers in one of my programs, and it's possible I might want their affirmation. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as I am conscious of it, and I'm aware of my adult child vulnerabilities.

[thisworld]

Kc sunshine,

14. I always have a bad hair day  and have difficulty recognizing the person in the mirror. I have also created debt, lost a job that I liked and came down with physical and psychologica ailments before.

By the way, it's nice to play with questions, different questions appeal to different people (like we are here because of our lives probably became unmanagable at one point) but for beginners it's advisable to start from Q1 because questions are built up in a particular way, slowly shifting the focus from the partner to ourselves - like a slowly coming awareness. So, our answers to the same question will probably change and focus more on ourselves after we have answered the previous 13. (It's always lovely to notice the differences by the way. It allows us to see how much our thinking changes and how independent we get) However, because a group will have different people at different stages in recovery and steps, we can of course choose to focus on whatever appeals to us.

I just wanted to share this with you because you seem to be interested in it, so I wanted to share the pedagogy behind it with you. I don't think this has to be the only way or anything. I'm an oold 13th stepper anyway, I just go there to date newcomers  (If you ever go to a meeting and hear the 13th step, this is what it is:))

Aaand an Anon present for you (this was on a bookmark they gave me when I went there for the first time. If you try to live like this, some paralysing effects of codependency are removed from your life)

Take care,

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,

and not tackle my whole life problem

at once. I can do something for twelve hours

that would appall me if I felt that I had to

keep it up for a lifetime.

 

 


Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to

be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that

"most folks are as happy as they make up

their minds to be."

 


Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind.

I will study. I will learn something useful.

I will not be a mental loafer. I will read

something that requires effort, thought and

concentration.


Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is,

and not try to adjust everything to my own

desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes,

and fit myself to it.


Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three

ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and

not get found out. I will do at least two

things I don't want to--just for exercise.

I will not show anyone that my feelings are

hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not

show it


Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look

as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low,

act courteously, criticize not one bit, not

find fault with anything and not try to improve

or regulate anybody except myself.


Just for today, I will have a program. I may not

follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will

save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.


Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all

by myself, and relax. During this half hour,

sometime, I will try to get a better perspective

of my life.


Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I

will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,

and to believe that as I give to the world, so

the world will give to me.



-Kenneth L. Holmes

[unicorn2014]

Yep that just for today saved me today as I was starting to ruminate this morning.

[SandWitch]

1. I am powerless over other's behavior and choices for their life.  I am also powerless over my urge to help people - over the myths my FOO indoctrinated into my psyche.  I am powerless over the path I took that brought me to the place I am in today.  I am powerless over the attachment and addiction I have to the exBPDbf. 

2.  There is a force that is life whose natural state is growth and healing.  It flows within me.

3.  I choose to turn my wanting over to this power and focus on taking life one day at a time - one breath at a time if necessary as I go about the business of life.

[unicorn2014]

I get in trouble when I say yes when I mean to say no. This is especially difficult with pwBPD because they have their own ideas about who you should be. The key to cracking that code is knowing yourself. On the other hand my parents left me open to exploitation because they neglected me so I learned not to trust my own instincts. I'm learning to undo that now. Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is a special set of problems . It's not the same as being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I have to say having been in both the alcoholic is far easier to manage then the borderline. With the borderline you have to be willing to lose the relationship  if you choose to stand up for yourself. I think someone else said on the staying board that their relationship didn't stand up to their boundary setting. I'm not sure if mines going to either, to be honest, and I'm becoming ok with that.