Why The Hate?

[Kelli Cornett]

I will never understand why both my (narc ) ex's hate me so much.

Towards the end of the relationship I literally did everything they asked me. They treated me like dirt. Than after the discard ( of course ) THEY would initiate contact and be super rude!


I don't understand this game of hating someone and still trying to have them in your life. Wtf?


Obviously this constant rejection makes a person numb. So I don't really see the point in answering anymore if they are just going to be rude right?

[blackbirdsong]

Because they hate themselves. They only project this hate onto you. When they say something rude about you, they think that about themselves.

[Kelli Cornett]

Because they hate themselves. They only project this hate onto you. When they say something rude about you, they think that about themselves.

Why would someone act like that?

[Mutt]

Because they hate themselves. They only project this hate onto you. When they say something rude about you, they think that about themselves.

Why would someone act like that?

That is true a pwBPD will split themselves. A pwBPD have dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking and view themselves, the world or people as either all good or all bad. We all possess good and bad qualities and a pwBPD have difficulties integrating both the good and bad and see the space in-between, the grey area. Did you also experience periods where she also put you on a pedestal and you couldn't do any wrong? It sounds like the question about still wanting to have you in your life is more about attachments than splitting.

[Kelli Cornett]

Because they hate themselves. They only project this hate onto you. When they say something rude about you, they think that about themselves.

Why would someone act like that?

That is true a pwBPD will split themselves. A pwBPD have dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking and view themselves, the world or people as either all good or all bad. We all possess good and bad qualities and a pwBPD have difficulties integrating both the good and bad and see the space in-between, the grey area. Did you also experience periods where she also put you on a pedestal and you couldn't do any wrong? It sounds like the question about still wanting to have you in your life is more about attachments than splitting.

Yeah. Can NPD's do that too?

[Mutt]

Because they hate themselves. They only project this hate onto you. When they say something rude about you, they think that about themselves.

Why would someone act like that?

That is true a pwBPD will split themselves. A pwBPD have dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking and view themselves, the world or people as either all good or all bad. We all possess good and bad qualities and a pwBPD have difficulties integrating both the good and bad and see the space in-between, the grey area. Did you also experience periods where she also put you on a pedestal and you couldn't do any wrong? It sounds like the question about still wanting to have you in your life is more about attachments than splitting.

Yeah. Can NPD's do that too?

Black and white thinking is both a NPD / BPD trait. Black.amd white thinkers are not necessarily synonymous with PD's and can be found with fetal alcohol syndrome, alcoholism and depression.

A pwBPD hqve insecure attachment patterns fearful, avoidant and anxious from early childhood that carries over into adult romantic relationships. A possibility in th development of NPD is avoidant attachment patterns from early childhood.

The development of NPD

There is no consensus on the causes of NPD, although lack of parental empathy toward a child’s developmental needs may bear some responsibility. In the context of disturbed attachment, parents may fail to appropriately recognize, name, and regulate the child’s emotions, particularly in cases of heightened arousal.8 The developing child is therefore left with intense affects that receive no appropriate recognition or appropriate responses, which leads to affect dysregulation. In children, with their basic needs unmet, attachment becomes an issue; this translates to being attachment-avoidant in adulthood yet, at the same time, constantly striving for attention and admiration. Another trigger for NPD may be that the child is raised in a family where status and success are of utmost importance and only qualities that lead to sustaining a grandiose self-image are valued while other behaviors are disregarded or punished. Another possibility is that overt grandiosity is a reaction to slights and humiliation, a sort of armor used to avoid subjugation. Other factors, such as an externalizing personality and the role of culture (the narcissistic society) in paving the way to narcissism, should also be explored. Although studies on causation are scant, Tracy and colleagues9 summarize some recent findings in which parenting styles, such as mixtures of overt praise and coldness, lack of supervision, corporal punishment, and authoritarian parenting, predicted future narcissism.

www.psychiatrictimes.com/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-rethinking-what-we-know

[Kelli Cornett]

Because they hate themselves. They only project this hate onto you. When they say something rude about you, they think that about themselves.

Why would someone act like that?

That is true a pwBPD will split themselves. A pwBPD have dichotomous thinking or black and white thinking and view themselves, the world or people as either all good or all bad. We all possess good and bad qualities and a pwBPD have difficulties integrating both the good and bad and see the space in-between, the grey area. Did you also experience periods where she also put you on a pedestal and you couldn't do any wrong? It sounds like the question about still wanting to have you in your life is more about attachments than splitting.

Yeah. Can NPD's do that too?

Black and white thinking is both a NPD / BPD trait. Black.amd white thinkers are not necessarily synonymous with PD's and can be found with fetal alcohol syndrome, alcoholism and depression.

A pwBPD hqve insecure attachment patterns fearful, avoidant and anxious from early childhood that carries over into adult romantic relationships. A possibility in th development of NPD is avoidant attachment patterns from early childhood.

The development of NPD

There is no consensus on the causes of NPD, although lack of parental empathy toward a child’s developmental needs may bear some responsibility. In the context of disturbed attachment, parents may fail to appropriately recognize, name, and regulate the child’s emotions, particularly in cases of heightened arousal.8 The developing child is therefore left with intense affects that receive no appropriate recognition or appropriate responses, which leads to affect dysregulation. In children, with their basic needs unmet, attachment becomes an issue; this translates to being attachment-avoidant in adulthood yet, at the same time, constantly striving for attention and admiration. Another trigger for NPD may be that the child is raised in a family where status and success are of utmost importance and only qualities that lead to sustaining a grandiose self-image are valued while other behaviors are disregarded or punished. Another possibility is that overt grandiosity is a reaction to slights and humiliation, a sort of armor used to avoid subjugation. Other factors, such as an externalizing personality and the role of culture (the narcissistic society) in paving the way to narcissism, should also be explored. Although studies on causation are scant, Tracy and colleagues9 summarize some recent findings in which parenting styles, such as mixtures of overt praise and coldness, lack of supervision, corporal punishment, and authoritarian parenting, predicted future narcissism.

www.psychiatrictimes.com/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-rethinking-what-we-know

Thanks

[Jazzy]

Black and Blue,

That is exactly what my exbf did. He replaced me, but said he wanted to "remain good friends "( downgraded from" best friend " .However everytime we spoke ( and that too when he wanted to because he would never take my calls) he was rude, humiliating and said some of the meanest things. I just could not take the way he lashed out at me for no reason and started fabricating stories possibly to justify to himself what he had done. I too could not understand why he wanted to remain friends when he obviously hated me so much and just talking to me would bring out a side of him I had never seen before. I still wonder what I did for him to turn into the raging monster that he did and why although he started hating me overnight, he wanted to continue being friends.

[Kelli Cornett]

Black and Blue,

That is exactly what my exbf did. He replaced me, but said he wanted to "remain good friends "( downgraded from" best friend " .However everytime we spoke ( and that too when he wanted to because he would never take my calls) he was rude, humiliating and said some of the meanest things. I just could not take the way he lashed out at me for no reason and started fabricating stories possibly to justify to himself what he had done. I too could not understand why he wanted to remain friends when he obviously hated me so much and just talking to me would bring out a side of him I had never seen before. I still wonder what I did for him to turn into the raging monster that he did and why although he started hating me overnight, he wanted to continue being friends.

Yea it's so weird. This holiday makes me also think of when I invited my ex over to my families for christmas. They got him a stocking and tried to make him feel welcome.


I will never forget after we broke up how he told me my family was evil and that I never got him anything for his birthday ( even though i bought him a shirt and took him to dinner ) which he said was crappy and I ignored him during dinner ( even though he took a call during dinner and ignored me! )


I also just got my ex a movie which he told me didn't want and to give to someone else! What the heck?


And this isn't about gifts because i'm not even a person that usually does that! I'm usually about words of affirmation and quietly time. So when I do give it's very out of my comfort zone. And to be shut down like that. Hurts twice as bad.


I don't know ruminating a lot tonight, hurting :'(