Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
December 03, 2021, 05:03:27 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Wondering if anyone has successfully detached but remained friends  (Read 2272 times)
steve195915
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 232


« Reply #30 on: December 09, 2015, 03:19:21 PM »

So another question for two or you.

If you do the friendship thing and then she meets someone but wants to keep you as friends how would you feel? Especially if it was in your face.

If she meets someone and cuts you out without a care how would you feel?

If you get new interests and don't have time for her so end up abandoning her with no friends how would you feel? Or would you sacrifice your new life as she is lonely?

If she stubs her toe and seeks sympathy would you give it? If she realises she can get sympathy so starts doing things or making things up (subtly at first) do you think you can tell what is real and what is not and not get sucked back in?

It is in my opinion its playing with fire and as strong as I like to feel I am now I do not feel I could not get sucked back in. Its the slow corrosive drip drip of little things that broke me in the relationship and made me doubt my sanity. I cant see it being any different as a friend.

OK maybe six questions  Smiling (click to insert in post)

If she meets someone and still wants to be friends I am ok with that. We don't have a commitment now per her desire so if she says she has someone else then how can I consider it being in my face.  If I meet someone of interest I'm definitely planning to pursue it further. I also don't believe she will start anything for a while and every day that goes by I feel I'm detaching little by little.  So lets say in a month she has someone else, I think I will feel relieved at that time as I'm off the hook (at least for a little while) and then if I'm her sounding board for how horrible this new guy is then that will even help me to further solidify my detachment.

If she cuts me out completely at a later time when she meets someone, by then I will have other interests and be somewhat detached so much lesser of a hurt than just going NC and being cut off right now.  It's about buying time for my recovery.  

If I have my own life interests I still won't cut her out or abandon her completely and no I won't feel guilt.  I may feel sorry for how she has to live but I feel that way now. I won't get sucked in and sacrifice my new life but I would give her the time that my new life allows.  

If she seeks sympathy then yes I'll give it.  I'm very aware of her manipulative ways and every day that goes by I can see more clearly.  I don't believe I will be sucked in.

Yes it is playing with fire but if you attend to the fire carefully if can be contained.  It's somewhat of a mental war of the mind but going NC is also a mental war and for me NC would be more painful.   How many of us have been through NC multiple times and failed and how many even after months or years of NC are still suffering since they never got answers or resolution and no closure in their minds and some still fear if they're contacted again they may get sucked in (i.e. like you).  I was thinking I may try another way, worst case I just wasted some time and can still go NC.  

When there was NC for 3 days I started thinking about all our good times, was missing her terribly, wanted to call her constantly, started not to think of all the hell I had to endure.  After contact I started to recognize the craziness, started to be more aware of the manipulation even from the first meeting, the insults , the unjustified anger, the selfishness.  Yet I still love her and I attribute the behavior to her mental illness that can never be removed, it is part of her always.  I feel pity for her but know I will not go there again (I'm thinking that anyway).
Logged
blackbirdsong
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 314



« Reply #31 on: December 09, 2015, 03:35:40 PM »

So another question for two or you.

If you do the friendship thing and then she meets someone but wants to keep you as friends how would you feel? Especially if it was in your face.

If she meets someone and cuts you out without a care how would you feel?

If you get new interests and don't have time for her so end up abandoning her with no friends how would you feel? Or would you sacrifice your new life as she is lonely?

If she stubs her toe and seeks sympathy would you give it? If she realises she can get sympathy so starts doing things or making things up (subtly at first) do you think you can tell what is real and what is not and not get sucked back in?

It is in my opinion its playing with fire and as strong as I like to feel I am now I do not feel I could not get sucked back in. Its the slow corrosive drip drip of little things that broke me in the relationship and made me doubt my sanity. I cant see it being any different as a friend.

OK maybe six questions  Smiling (click to insert in post)

If she meets someone and still wants to be friends I am ok with that. We don't have a commitment now per her desire so if she says she has someone else then how can I consider it being in my face.  If I meet someone of interest I'm definitely planning to pursue it further. I also don't believe she will start anything for a while and every day that goes by I feel I'm detaching little by little.  So lets say in a month she has someone else, I think I will feel relieved at that time as I'm off the hook (at least for a little while) and then if I'm her sounding board for how horrible this new guy is then that will even help me to further solidify my detachment.

If she cuts me out completely at a later time when she meets someone, by then I will have other interests and be somewhat detached so much lesser of a hurt than just going NC and being cut off right now.  It's about buying time for my recovery.  

If I have my own life interests I still won't cut her out or abandon her completely and no I won't feel guilt.  I may feel sorry for how she has to live but I feel that way now. I won't get sucked in and sacrifice my new life but I would give her the time that my new life allows.  

If she seeks sympathy then yes I'll give it.  I'm very aware of her manipulative ways and every day that goes by I can see more clearly.  I don't believe I will be sucked in.

Yes it is playing with fire but if you attend to the fire carefully if can be contained.  It's somewhat of a mental war of the mind but going NC is also a mental war and for me NC would be more painful.   How many of us have been through NC multiple times and failed and how many even after months or years of NC are still suffering since they never got answers or resolution and no closure in their minds and some still fear if they're contacted again they may get sucked in (i.e. like you).  I was thinking I may try another way, worst case I just wasted some time and can still go NC.  

When there was NC for 3 days I started thinking about all our good times, was missing her terribly, wanted to call her constantly, started not to think of all the hell I had to endure.  After contact I started to recognize the craziness, started to be more aware of the manipulation even from the first meeting, the insults , the unjustified anger, the selfishness.  Yet I still love her and I attribute the behavior to her mental illness that can never be removed, it is part of her always.  I feel pity for her but know I will not go there again (I'm thinking that anyway).

To be honest, I think you have constructed 1000 optional what-if paths, but if you look deep into yourself, you need to admit that you want to be next to her. I think you still crave for her. Be honest to your feelings. Do you want to be her friend or partner?
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #32 on: December 09, 2015, 03:49:14 PM »

I don't fear getting sucked back in again as I am not in a relationship of any form so can keep my guard up and avoid being manipulated. I saw my exgf twice today as I had my boy. I was polite and friendly but were not friends. How can I be friends with someone I cant trust?

If you think you will get closure from her then I think you will be waiting a long time. Only we can give ourselves closure. Even if they know why they behaved the way they did (which the majority don't) then the chances of them explaining it to us is slim to none.

So back to my original question. Why remain friends? You say because going NC would be too painful but if you are detaching and willing to le her go if that's what she wishes then I cant see going NC now being any more painful than that.

Sorry If I seem pushy Im just trying to play devils advocate.
Logged

steve195915
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 232


« Reply #33 on: December 09, 2015, 05:03:45 PM »

I don't fear getting sucked back in again as I am not in a relationship of any form so can keep my guard up and avoid being manipulated. I saw my exgf twice today as I had my boy. I was polite and friendly but were not friends. How can I be friends with someone I cant trust?

If you think you will get closure from her then I think you will be waiting a long time. Only we can give ourselves closure. Even if they know why they behaved the way they did (which the majority don't) then the chances of them explaining it to us is slim to none.

So back to my original question. Why remain friends? You say because going NC would be too painful but if you are detaching and willing to le her go if that's what she wishes then I cant see going NC now being any more painful than that.

Sorry If I seem pushy Im just trying to play devils advocate.

All good questions and good conversation. 

For me I don't ever expect getting any closure from her.   I don't believe the pwBPD really knows why they do certain things, they just react in many cases unjustifiably due to their internal fears, and  are unable to recognize what they have done or the pain that resulted from it.   Yes it's about me giving myself closure, realizing day by day the past turmoil I've had to endure and how it can never get better.  Being constantly recognized of her behavior also strengthens my resolve for not getting sucked in.  For instance today she called on her lunch break from her first full time job in her life she has had for 2 months.  The whole conversation was all about how lazy these people were, how they are so childish and terrible and that she doesn't think she can take it much longer.  I just validated her feelings and supplied some empathy.  What I was thinking at the time is how the whole conversation was about her and meeting her needs to vent, her issues where she can't maintain basic relationships with other people, how she probably won't last too long at this job and then need someone to support her.  My eyes are wide open. 

Why try to keep contact vs NC right now?  To me NC is very abrupt and that makes it that much more painful. Keeping contact the pain can be distributed over a longer period of time and not be intense as the abruptness of NC and I can be more aware of her illness as contact is a constant reminder of her issues like today's phone call.  She doesn't want to go NC, she desires me to be their to meet her current needs.

To address the previous comment I am not fooling myself.  I do care for her and love her deeply and crave for her and being just friends is not my desire however, I know her being a partner would just lead to more pain and heartache.  My resolve is strong to not be sucked back in.  Maintaining contact seems to be the less painful way, at least so far it is.  I'm sure in her mind she thinks she has me sucked in already and is just using me to meet her current needs.  To me she's meeting my current needs for companionship while at the same time detaching from the emotional dependence I have with her, to less my pain of being alone, and to give me some time to develop other interests and friends.

I know you may have doubts if I can be successful, but do you get what I'm trying to do?
Logged
blackbirdsong
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 314



« Reply #34 on: December 09, 2015, 05:10:24 PM »

I know you may have doubts if I can be successful, but do you get what I'm trying to do?

Yes, I hear you. I still doubt that this is possible, but every one of us have different experience, environment, partners, personality... .

Good luck!
Logged
apollotech
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #35 on: December 09, 2015, 09:40:57 PM »

steve195915:

For instance today she called on her lunch break from her first full time job in her life she has had for 2 months.  The whole conversation was all about how lazy these people were, how they are so childish and terrible and that she doesn't think she can take it much longer.  I just validated her feelings and supplied some empathy.  What I was thinking at the time is how the whole conversation was about her and meeting her needs to vent, her issues where she can't maintain basic relationships with other people, how she probably won't last too long at this job and then need someone to support her.  My eyes are wide open.


Steve,

I understand what you're attempting to do, you want to taper-off the separation rather than going cold-turkey. The only problem with your strategy is that you're going to continually be caught up within her chaos (see above). Even though you think that it isn't affecting you, are you positive that that's the case? It would seem that if you had actually reached a plateau of indifference regarding her, you wouldn't need her contact. I don't believe that you'll be pulled back into a relationship, but I am not sure that you can heal while in contact with her. That would be my concern.
Logged
LostGhost
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 272


« Reply #36 on: December 09, 2015, 10:01:42 PM »

I don't fear getting sucked back in again as I am not in a relationship of any form so can keep my guard up and avoid being manipulated. I saw my exgf twice today as I had my boy. I was polite and friendly but were not friends. How can I be friends with someone I cant trust?

If you think you will get closure from her then I think you will be waiting a long time. Only we can give ourselves closure. Even if they know why they behaved the way they did (which the majority don't) then the chances of them explaining it to us is slim to none.

So back to my original question. Why remain friends? You say because going NC would be too painful but if you are detaching and willing to le her go if that's what she wishes then I cant see going NC now being any more painful than that.

Sorry If I seem pushy Im just trying to play devils advocate.

All good questions and good conversation.  

For me I don't ever expect getting any closure from her.   I don't believe the pwBPD really knows why they do certain things, they just react in many cases unjustifiably due to their internal fears, and  are unable to recognize what they have done or the pain that resulted from it.   Yes it's about me giving myself closure, realizing day by day the past turmoil I've had to endure and how it can never get better.  Being constantly recognized of her behavior also strengthens my resolve for not getting sucked in.  For instance today she called on her lunch break from her first full time job in her life she has had for 2 months.  The whole conversation was all about how lazy these people were, how they are so childish and terrible and that she doesn't think she can take it much longer.  I just validated her feelings and supplied some empathy.  What I was thinking at the time is how the whole conversation was about her and meeting her needs to vent, her issues where she can't maintain basic relationships with other people, how she probably won't last too long at this job and then need someone to support her.  My eyes are wide open.  

Why try to keep contact vs NC right now?  To me NC is very abrupt and that makes it that much more painful. Keeping contact the pain can be distributed over a longer period of time and not be intense as the abruptness of NC and I can be more aware of her illness as contact is a constant reminder of her issues like today's phone call.  She doesn't want to go NC, she desires me to be their to meet her current needs.

To address the previous comment I am not fooling myself.  I do care for her and love her deeply and crave for her and being just friends is not my desire however, I know her being a partner would just lead to more pain and heartache.  My resolve is strong to not be sucked back in.  Maintaining contact seems to be the less painful way, at least so far it is.  I'm sure in her mind she thinks she has me sucked in already and is just using me to meet her current needs.  To me she's meeting my current needs for companionship while at the same time detaching from the emotional dependence I have with her, to less my pain of being alone, and to give me some time to develop other interests and friends.

I know you may have doubts if I can be successful, but do you get what I'm trying to do?

I was of the same mindset as you! I felt going NC was so sudden and painful, it didn't feel natural. I too wanted a slow tapering off to distribute the pain gradually over time. Having hindsight to look back at how it's turned out, I wish I'd gone NC from the start.

Let me give you an extreme analogy.

If you had no choice but to do die from a nuclear bomb, would you prefer to be at the epicentre of the blast where, although your death is extremely violent, unexpected and you have no opportunity for closure, it ends in an instant? Or would you rather be on the outskirts of the blast and watch as your quality of life gradually declines as you suffer painfully and die from radiation?

I warn you because I chose the latter and it is not something I would wish on anyone. It is daily pain given in random doses but it is never ending. I am on a constant IV drip of pain administered daily. It seemed like a good idea at the time but it really hasn't benefited me at all.
Logged
steve195915
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 232


« Reply #37 on: December 09, 2015, 11:01:17 PM »

steve195915:

For instance today she called on her lunch break from her first full time job in her life she has had for 2 months.  The whole conversation was all about how lazy these people were, how they are so childish and terrible and that she doesn't think she can take it much longer.  I just validated her feelings and supplied some empathy.  What I was thinking at the time is how the whole conversation was about her and meeting her needs to vent, her issues where she can't maintain basic relationships with other people, how she probably won't last too long at this job and then need someone to support her.  My eyes are wide open.


Steve,

I understand what you're attempting to do, you want to taper-off the separation rather than going cold-turkey. The only problem with your strategy is that you're going to continually be caught up within her chaos (see above). Even though you think that it isn't affecting you, are you positive that that's the case? It would seem that if you had actually reached a plateau of indifference regarding her, you wouldn't need her contact. I don't believe that you'll be pulled back into a relationship, but I am not sure that you can heal while in contact with her. That would be my concern.

Thanks for the insight and I will definitely be watchful to see if I'm getting caught up in her chaos such that I'm not healing or that it's causing me more emotional distress.  If that happens I will definitely go NC.  It's only been contact since Saturday and so far its been going ok.  I feel I'm looking at her chaos and analyzing her words and actions more objectively and sometimes even sarcastically.  The other night on the phone she levied an insult, I started to respond but then caught myself and ignored it.  Afterwards I thought in my mind what a sick bi*ch and how could I have allowed myself to be verbally abused for all that time.  My typical response in the past would be to feel sad and to want to do something to please her because obviously she's upset with me about something.  Maybe all this contact is doing is getting me emotionally prepared and hardened to go NC and never have a thought of going back.  Maybe this friends thing will be short lived.  All I can say so far this week of contact has been less painful then the days of NC.  I'm actually getting a little motivation back to start doing things. The big test will be this weekend when we may spend a significant amount of time together.   
Logged
apollotech
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #38 on: December 09, 2015, 11:31:20 PM »

steve195915:

I feel I'm looking at her chaos and analyzing her words and actions more objectively and sometimes even sarcastically.  The other night on the phone she levied an insult, I started to respond but then caught myself and ignored it.  Afterwards I thought in my mind what a sick bi*ch and how could I have allowed myself to be verbally abused for all that time.  My typical response in the past would be to feel sad and to want to do something to please her because obviously she's upset with me about something.


Steve,

This is what I was talking about. No, it's not the "typical response" that you would have given before, but it is still a response. You are still being engaged/triggered by her contact. I am not suggesting that you go NC. We are all different and have to do what is best for us individually, but NC is the tool which creates the distance and time required for us to heal. That's some food for thought.
Logged
steve195915
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 232


« Reply #39 on: December 09, 2015, 11:40:06 PM »

I was of the same mindset as you! I felt going NC was so sudden and painful, it didn't feel natural. I too wanted a slow tapering off to distribute the pain gradually over time. Having hindsight to look back at how it's turned out, I wish I'd gone NC from the start.

Let me give you an extreme analogy.

If you had no choice but to do die from a nuclear bomb, would you prefer to be at the epicentre of the blast where, although your death is extremely violent, unexpected and you have no opportunity for closure, it ends in an instant? Or would you rather be on the outskirts of the blast and watch as your quality of life gradually declines as you suffer painfully and die from radiation?

I warn you because I chose the latter and it is not something I would wish on anyone. It is daily pain given in random doses but it is never ending. I am on a constant IV drip of pain administered daily. It seemed like a good idea at the time but it really hasn't benefited me at all.

Thanks for your story and hindsight, it's definitely appreciated and I will keep it in my thoughts.  But... . I'm still staying stubborn so at least for today I'm staying in contact.  Interesting analogy and I get your point but when going NC the pain is so excruciating and it doesn't dissipate quickly whereas dying from a nuclear blast the pain is short lived.

Maybe a more accurate analogy is if you have cancer your options are to get chemo where the pain will be intensified due to the treatment for a time however, you will eventually be cured of the cancer and it will be out of your life forever

or

you can do nothing and stay with the cancer, where it will slowly eat you away until your death.  

Yes you have me thinking.  At least I'll be on guard!

 
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #40 on: December 10, 2015, 05:17:28 AM »

I would like to add something to the cancer analogy. To my knowledge there are more than 200 types of cancer. Some are very very aggressive and painful. In these cases, untreated cancer is not necessarily less painful - even in the short term- than chemo. At first it may feel so, but sometimes soon after the diagnosis the pain becomes so horrendous that chemo would feel like a bad flu next to it - I witnessed this in someone I dearly loved and his chemo process was really difficult, too. There is no guarantee that not receiving treatment would be less painful than the treatment.

Also, maybe pain is not the only component. In some cancers, there is fast and immediate loss of function. You may have a painless brain tumor but all of a sudden lose your sight just in one day, become a confused person the next - to the point of not remembering where your house is and doctors say that you will die in two, three days. All painless, but fatal. NC, no matter how painful, is a true cure. I would choose NC to keep myself intact and whole even though the other option may be completely painless - and with BPD, I don't believe it is anyway.

My BPD ex with narcissistic traits had a 180 degree character turn the moment we split up and separated houses - he is the biggest torch carrier for lovingly separating now after breaking my stuff, stealing from me, completely denigrating me to his friends with so many lies about me, a parasuicide, whatnot. I kept in neutral contact with him for around a week while trying to find a strategy with my therapist to limit some possible future damage.  This gave me the opportunity to see how undeveloped certain things were even if the aggression and abusiveness was gone. (Under our circumstances, a healthy individual would give the other one some space so that they can salvage themselves from the wreck created by that roller coaster - I lost my job, am in debt, my house looks like there was some fire inside etc because I had to lead a parallel life responding to his needs, even though I see what was going on, I'm deeply hurt as a woman because of his emotional cheating and what not because it was also based on character assasisnating me.) He still has zero recognition of what I may have gone through but keeps on sending me strange pieces of writing about himself and his life as well as some subtly (or maybe blatantly) manipulative stuff about us, trying to guilt me. At first, I even derived a satisfaction from this, from my new perspective and also from his attention. The moment I told him very nicely and politely that I wouldn't be able to send some stuff - which he left in my pace- immediately because I'm not at home myself and would do it in max. two days, he stopped communication. Not a reply saying thank you. And guess what? I'm emotionally triggered. I'm able to see what is going on but I still have negative feelings, I'm somewhere between seeing what's going on and still waiting for a reply. My real objective -protecting myself from this untrustworthy person- is kind of lost (emotionally) and is reduced to some short-term goal of twisted pleasure seeking. This is what communication with him does to me, I become short-sighted and start looking for instant gratification, too, maybe to adapt to him. I don't want this. That's why NC is the best for me and soon it will be much less painful than my own unbalanced emotions because I know these are temporary - I have the ability to heal when I stay away, he doesn't.     
Logged
hashtag_loyal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 228


« Reply #41 on: December 10, 2015, 10:10:17 AM »

Thanks for your story and hindsight, it's definitely appreciated and I will keep it in my thoughts.  But... . I'm still staying stubborn so at least for today I'm staying in contact.  Interesting analogy and I get your point but when going NC the pain is so excruciating and it doesn't dissipate quickly whereas dying from a nuclear blast the pain is short lived.

Maybe a more accurate analogy is if you have cancer your options are to get chemo where the pain will be intensified due to the treatment for a time however, you will eventually be cured of the cancer and it will be out of your life forever

or

you can do nothing and stay with the cancer, where it will slowly eat you away until your death.  

Yes you have me thinking.  At least I'll be on guard!

I think for most of you NC is essential, and you have all made excellent points, but I would like to provide a contrarian view (and my own medical analogy) on how LC has been a better approach for me personally.

To me, LC is like the gradual exposure to a toxin in order to build up an immunity. While if I had gone strict NC, I might've missed her, and spent most of my time remembering the good parts. I'd also spend so much of my time wondering what she was up to, and even if she was still alive. By going LC, I and constantly reminded of how her BPD devastates her life, and how I am better off detaching and never recycling.

It is true that, at first, it hurt and I felt emotional pain when interacting with her, but with each subsequent "exposure" I gradually became more and more numb. By now, I am fully inoculated to her toxic behavior.

For instance, just yesterday she contacted me out of the blue to share some news that would've devastated me if I had found out about it a few months ago. Now? I just shrugged and thought to myself, "Yeah, that sounds about right."

For me, LC was choosing to confront my pain until I eventually overcame it.
Logged
steve195915
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 232


« Reply #42 on: December 10, 2015, 11:12:14 AM »

I think for most of you NC is essential, and you have all made excellent points, but I would like to provide a contrarian view (and my own medical analogy) on how LC has been a better approach for me personally.

To me, LC is like the gradual exposure to a toxin in order to build up an immunity. While if I had gone strict NC, I might've missed her, and spent most of my time remembering the good parts. I'd also spend so much of my time wondering what she was up to, and even if she was still alive. By going LC, I and constantly reminded of how her BPD devastates her life, and how I am better off detaching and never recycling.

It is true that, at first, it hurt and I felt emotional pain when interacting with her, but with each subsequent "exposure" I gradually became more and more numb. By now, I am fully inoculated to her toxic behavior.

For instance, just yesterday she contacted me out of the blue to share some news that would've devastated me if I had found out about it a few months ago. Now? I just shrugged and thought to myself, "Yeah, that sounds about right."

For me, LC was choosing to confront my pain until I eventually overcame it.

Thanks for the input.  So far I'm feeling the same way that LC is working for me exactly in the same way you describe.  I tried NC several times and I found myself missing her, spent most of my time remembering the good parts, wondering what/how she was doing, if she was trying to contact me. LC is minimizing some of the pain from going full NC, bringing a greater awareness of the relationship and how it was, and slowly detaching emotionally. 

The original Post was about detaching and remaining friends which now I realize being friends is not likely after the non has been brutalized by the BPDex.  I probably should have renamed the Post "Has anyone successfully detached with LC".   Still strange that a moderator in another post mentioned how he heard many stories of non's on this site having healthy friendships with their BPDex.  I'm still waiting to hear one case of this.

Logged
hashtag_loyal
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 228


« Reply #43 on: December 10, 2015, 12:49:21 PM »

Still strange that a moderator in another post mentioned how he heard many stories of non's on this site having healthy friendships with their BPDex.  I'm still waiting to hear one case of this.

I would assume those pwBPD are not as severely disordered as the ones described in this thread. My ex is completely incapable of having healthy friendships with anyone. It's truly sad, actually.
Logged
steve195915
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 232


« Reply #44 on: December 10, 2015, 02:20:46 PM »

Still strange that a moderator in another post mentioned how he heard many stories of non's on this site having healthy friendships with their BPDex.  I'm still waiting to hear one case of this.

I would assume those pwBPD are not as severely disordered as the ones described in this thread. My ex is completely incapable of having healthy friendships with anyone. It's truly sad, actually.

Yes I was thinking that too, or possibly the relationship ended sooner without extreme brutality inflicted on the non.  I can envision a relationship where the non is just a sounding board to the BPDex however it satisfies the non's needs to be the caregiver and they can do that without getting emotionally attached. 

My BPDex does not currently have any healthy friendships and in her lifetime I can only think of one time she did.  She had a very close male friend that she previously worked with that moved out of the state.  They would text or talk daily, probably more to vent their life's problems on each other but that served both their needs.  They never had a romance so maybe that's why it worked.  Unfortunately he passed away.
Logged
kc sunshine
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 1065


« Reply #45 on: December 10, 2015, 02:38:33 PM »

I've seen my BPDex have a good relationship with her ex-- probably because her ex is in another relationship (and perhaps also because her ex ended it rather than my BPDex ending it, which made her always long for the ex).

Logged

Mr Hollande
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 631


« Reply #46 on: December 10, 2015, 02:53:54 PM »

I haven't read the entire thread so forgive me for jumping in.

While I have remained on friendly terms with most of my ex gf's it would be impossible with the BPD. One of the ongoing irritations of our relationship was her ex who is also the father of her son. He was being cruel and there were many times I had to console her because he'd been nasty to her. He angered me on so many occasions that had I not lived in a foreign country I would have beaten him up.

In hindsight I understand that there were mitigating circumstances as he was very likely on the receiving end of regular outbursts from her and probably gave as good as he got. I also believe she demonised him in order to set off my white knight instincts and I was enough of a fool to swallow the bait without question.

So post break up I imagine him tied to her for life via a kid and I feel for him. I think he hates her and I sympathise with how it spills over into cruelty on occasion. If I was still around her it's possible I'd act the same way so I'm grateful I'm not. I don't intend to forgive her but I'd rather be dead than reduced to a full time bitter ex whose regular routine includes being horrible to my former gf. We have the benefit of living in different countries so it's taken care of by default but even if I lived in the same town as her I would avoid her like the plague. For the sake of my own dignity if nothing else.

I don't believe in friendship after break up. Not with her. There's too much bad blood for that to be possible.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!