Dont Know Where to Turn To

[tyramisu1]

Hi

I am in a relationship with a woman, more like a friendship but I am in love. She has BPD. I don't know how to deal with her emotions towards me. She says we could be in a long term relationship and really cries that I don't leave her. Then she tears me down calling me selfish, emotional, uncaring, etc. Breaks up with me. Then comes back. The cycle continues. Its killing me. I am in love but this relationship hurts me as I try so hard to be good to her and care for her. Its like I say normal things and get blasted for saying them for some illogical reason.

I have lots of friends and very good friendships. All of her friends have left her and all romantic interests of hers in the past have left her. I feel bad for this and try to be her friend, companion, and such. She always wants to be in constant communication... .we skype at the office, skype when we are not together, text constantly... .then she lashes out on me for no real reason at all.

I am a career professional and this is affecting my work and life. I love her and want to help her. She will not get help as she thinks nothing is wrong. (I went to psychotherapy to try to see what was wrong with her... .both therapists said BPD and I extensively researched the issue).

The crux of the matter is that I do not know how to deal with her moods. When she is in an anger phase, I just make her angrier. I cant say anything right. I really don't know what to do or who to turn to.

Can anyone help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[guy4caligirl]

hi and welcome

it's the hardest thing to be in love with a BPD , we all suffer and put so much into the relationship .

I will say you have two choices either to continue and suffer more , or if it is fresh and can go on with your path go because it only get worth not better I hate to pit it this way to you  but it is what it is please read this forum and try to deal with it it's the hardest ting a human can go through there is no logic in this relation good luck to you !

[MapleBob]

I can relate, tiramisu. My undiagnosed BPD ex did a lot of the same things: clinging, splitting, projecting, dramatizing. In my case I think I was willfully ignorant of the fact that she was behaving in disordered ways, and I just wanted it to get better STAT. It won't, at least not quickly. In my case or yours. My ex blamed me, and it wasn't even remotely my fault. So don't take that on your shoulders if that's what's happening for you. It's not your fault that she's disordered, and it can't be your responsibility to "fix" things to make her okay. But there's a lot that you can do to make things more manageable.

Definitely learn all that you can about having a disordered partner, detach from the relationship you thought you were going to have, and keep posting here to process whether or not the relationship you are GOING to have with her is going to be satisfactory for you.

[livednlearned]

The crux of the matter is that I do not know how to deal with her moods. When she is in an anger phase, I just make her angrier. I cant say anything right. I really don't know what to do or who to turn to.

Hi tyramisu1,

Can you say more about what happens when she is in an anger phase? Are there any patterns you notice, like topics or circumstances, that seem to trigger her outbursts?

People who suffer from BPD are more susceptible to experience feelings as facts. Some thought comes into range, either prompted by the environment or from within, and her emotions go off like rockets. It takes a long time to return to baseline, and in more severe moods, she may not fully recollect what was said or what happened.

Have you been using any validation skills with her?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tyramisu, Be careful about letting your r/s with a wBPD have a negative impact on your professional life.  You may need to employ boundaries in order to keep your business life separate.  Without boundaries, you may find the pwBPD taking advantage of your kindness because they can't stop themselves from doing so.

LuckyJim

[lovenature]

You can check out the staying board for communication tools; lots of acceptance and work on your part to try to soothe her emotions and provide validation (more pain for you).

People with BPD make up their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment; goes for past, present, and future. If you try to rationalize with them it just ends up in a fight, they typically have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old; they are not capable of empathy, or mature conflict resolution and relationship problem solving.

The closer you get the more they push you away and hurt you, then they pull you back; a destructive cycle that continues pain for both partners.

Without years of therapy (usually DBT) a BPD relationship can't be healthy, this has been proven time and again.

Look after you.

[Silveron]

She is a project, you don't want a project, you want a partnership.  You can't have a partnership with a BPD unless they go through DBT therapy.  Otherwise what is happening will continue to happen.  Stop tolerating it.