Worried she's going to make a scene

[Yaffle]

It's my works Christmas meal on Friday and I'm a bit worried that my uBPGF is going to cause some problems.  In the past she's given me some stress before the meal but never really caused a problem while there but then again she'd never caused a scene in front of friends until recently and since then she's been drinking quite a bit and eventually erupting.  It will be quite a boozy do so I can't really stop her drinking but my bosses are quite prim and proper and very religious so it could become embarrassing if she does start.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Good luck, Yaffle, at tomorrow's Christmas party. I hope your girlfriend is on her best behavior for the event 

You'll have to let us know how it turns out, Okay? 

[Yaffle]

I will do!

[Yaffle]

Well it all went off peacefully thankfully.   Last night was a different story however

[waverider]

Well it all went off peacefully thankfully.   Last night was a different story however

What happened last night

[Yaffle]

it was one of those nights.  She started drinking quite early and by eight o'clock was talking incessantly and repetitively.  this eventually developed into her saying about all the things that were wrong in her life (a few digs at me in there).  I managed to keep with her for ages, offering sympathy when I felt it was due, advice at other points etc and hardly missed a word of what she said as I know that's triggered her in the past.  I think it was probably about ten o'clock that something finally triggered her and I got a full tirade, from how her mum hated me for the way I've treated her in the past, how I spoke to the kids earlier in the day (got to admit I do feel a bit guilty there but I'm feeling stressed and they were whining incessantly and nothing I said would stop them, she did nothing to help and eventually I snapped at them and told them to shut up -  she still did nothing), how I was wrong to take money from the joint account that I'm owed.  I walked into a different room, she followed, I went outside, she shouted through the door and it was too cold for me to stay there too long.  Eventually I went back inside, grabbed a coat and my wallet and walked out of the front door.   I was hoping she's just go to bed but she started texting me so I went to a local bar hoping the bit of extra time would calm her down and give her time to get to sleep.

When I got back, she'd put the latch on the front door so I couldn't get in.  I text her saying that it would be better to open the door as I didn't want to have to kick the door in.  This was a threat apparently.  Wasn't meant to be, just a statement of truth about what I'd have to do to get into the house.  She let me in then started at me again.  Eventually I'd had enough and swore at her.  This morning she wasn't speaking to me because of that.  Never mind what she'd said to me! 

Anyway the biggest problem is that it just exhausts me - just not having a moments peace and then when she does snap it goes on for ages and finishes quite late so I either have to stay up late to have some time to myself or just miss out on that altogether.

[flourdust]

Hi, Yaffle. That sounds like a really rough day and awful night. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I've been in similar situations with my wife -- I know what it's like to have her following me around, screaming blame and insults. I've had to flee my house to end the conflict. And I certainly know what it's like to hang around late at night hoping she'll calm down or fall asleep!

I just want to offer one piece of advice, though, to protect yourself. Telling her you were going to kick in the door is a threat. And if you had done so, that's evidence of you being violent in the relationship. You don't want to go there. Much better to find a hotel or friend's couch to crash on.

[Yaffle]

Believe me I didn't want to kick the door in.  Just felt I would have no other option and I did try to word it in the least threatening way I could.    I can't really afford to spend money on a hotel and it was too late to call a friend.  It would have only been a flimsy latch on the inside door as I'd got a key to the outside door.  We never lock that door as it would be very easy for anyone to break in so we rely on the outside door instead.

  I think I need to put some plans together about what to do when it happens again.  She's locked me out, albeit briefly, a few times now.  One thing I have thought of is a bag in the shed with a bit of money in and perhaps some warm clothes or a sleeping bag so I could at lease stay comfortable or have resources to get somewhere.  It being a Sunday night didn't help with everywhere shutting early.

[Cat Familiar]

  I think I need to put some plans together about what to do when it happens again.  She's locked me out, albeit briefly, a few times now.  One thing I have thought of is a bag in the shed with a bit of money in and perhaps some warm clothes or a sleeping bag so I could at lease stay comfortable or have resources to get somewhere. 

Yes, you need an emergency kit. Definitely a sleeping bag and warm clothes.

Here's the Shakespeare quote that I put on Max's thread: "Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing." If we can keep this in mind during one of their tirades, it helps a lot. 

[flourdust]

Yes, make yourself a go bag. Mine has clothes (for me and D10), a few days worth of medications, personal hygiene stuff, and money.

Don't kick in the door. Just don't. You can afford a hotel room more than you can a police record of domestic violence.

[Yaffle]

I'll take that on board thank you.  She actually unbolted the door but left the chain on at one point and I just gave up and said I'd just stay in the porch so I didn't have any real intention of doing it.  Every time I walk away now she locks me out for a bit so I was just trying to get her to open it but you're right.  I won't say it again.  I had actually text her a couple of times to say not lock the inside door as the outside door was already locked. So frustrating.  I haven't got a violent bone in my body but I can see how it could be construed as that

[KateCat]

What a difficult situation, Yaffle.

If mom is drinking, and if dad is preparing to leave the house, what might a good safety plan for the kids look like? (Are any of the kids old enough to drive, for example, in case there's a medical emergency? Or can dad stay at a very nearby location and can an older child reach him quickly by phone? Can the kids come with dad for the night?)

ADDED: Just saw your possibility of staying on the porch. Doesn't sound so crazy to me . . . .

[Yaffle]

That's not something I'd really thought of.  I don't think there's any real problem with her and the kids.  She generally takes everything out on me but if something went wrong with the house when I wasn't there... .

Next time she's not around I think I'd best get the kids taught how to phone the emergency services.

[KateCat]

  If help can be there quickly, that's a plus.

I remember reading a memoir-type reminiscence by a father (maybe he was a well-known musician or some other celebrity) who was a good father. He was alone one night with the kids, everything calm and peaceful, probably kids already in bed. He was peacefully smoking pot when . . . something happened that could have turned out to be an emergency. Luckily it wasn't, but he was a responsible guy and got the message, just with that one experience.

If there's any way not to leave kids alone with an impaired parent, that is the best practice. It also assures that outside forces don't become concerned for your children's well-being.

[Yaffle]

The shed is the most likely place of accommodation for me so I won't be far away.  The emergency services are quite close too.  I think she'd always let me in pretty quickly too once she realises I'm not there but I ought to get the kids up to speed a bit too.  GF also has asthma so it would be a good idea for that reason too

[KateCat]

That board mantra "nothing changes without changes" comes to my mind here.

You could be changing the game in a way that causes some change in your wife. It may come with one of those scary "extinction bursts" that are also frequently mentioned on this forum. But you taking the lead on this can only benefit the others in the family in the long run, I think.

Good for you.

[waverider]

Have that somewhere to go, and means to do so plan in place, then activate it early rather than as a last resort. Just knowing it is there will also help you fueling the escalation out of frustration.

If she keeps bolting the door, remove the bolt. If that causes objections too bad its a consequence of her misuse. I will not be locked out of my own house is a good boundary, removing the means is the boundary enforcement

[Yaffle]

Plan for now is to put a bag together with some essentials in, spare car key down the shed so I've got access to it if I need it.  I've also already got some money in the shed as I'm putting a bit away for treats for the kids.  Its not much but it would be enough for a taxi.  I could put a spare credit card there too.  The only dilemma is whether to put the bag in the shed (risk of mice chewing it) or in the car (risk of GF finding it and assuming its there for me to walk out)

[Cat Familiar]

Can you put it in a big plastic storage tub? I've had mouse problems and the one sure repellent is cotton balls soaked in peppermint oil. They hate that.

[Yaffle]

That's not a bad thought.  I can probably get hold of one of them