My sister

[rootsnarms]

I am just realising that my sister has BPD.

Its so obvious it ridiculous and i wish i had serious therapy years ago  to help with it. I myself was abused though by a therapist when i was young so i never got to the bottom of things until now. My sister went on to become a prostitute/stripper by night and yoga cleansing obsssive by day (i do yoga and cleansing too but she seems to live life in such polarity and thinks its all totally fine, she also believes she is counselling and healing the men who pay her to strip) i have always tried not to judge her but nothing i do is right. She could convince me black is white one day and white is black the next. I have tried to help her and i have also lost patience and i have avoided her but then i feel guilty.ANything i say is interpreted about me through her filter f good bad and i feel  that she wants to prove she is fine but never is and doesn't have friends for more than a few months) She is an angel and hilarious and the most wonderful person oneday and a b___ from hell the next but makes me feel that it is ALL my fault and i need help. Her way of twisting everything is insane over the slightest things and you cannot reason with her. I have had enough but she told me a couple of years ago she didn't want to know me anyway. I wrote to her recently to say that if she ever came here, then it might be good for us to  speak with a mediator present so we might get help (i tried not to put it on her and say that it was 'our dynamics' and it  was both of our stuff which i believe it is to a certain extent but now i believe that it might be more than i imagined and its so sad ) but she just told me to "---- off"    and i was insane and she JUST DOESNT LIKE ME and its that simple. She interpreted everything i have ever done as superior and uncaring and selfish. She seems to see herself as the sensitive one and me as an abuser of her and that she needs to get away from and all her family ... .Oh god i could go on and on but i won't bore you... .i am just suddenly realising it as my therapist said she sounds BPD so i have looked it up and wow its crazy i never realised i guess i didn't want to box her and i have slightly believed that i am the bad sister but i swear i never did anything on purpose to hurt her. AT my wedding she came up to me and said she was gong to kill herself or admit herself to a mad house . after my wedding she managed to come into my bedroom with my husband and sit and tell us how fake we are and how i only want my family around to make me seem nice and only she knows who i really am. I feeling sorry for her and yet i don't want to make her a victim so i have always struggled. She  lives in australia now so i don't need to deal with it too much , but i am realising now that we may never have a chance of reconciliation . which feels so sad and i know i have to deal with it... .i realise that her words have always made me feel i am a bad person . i have just said that i can't take the anger from her that seems to have needed to go to my mum and dad. but she says she has no issues and she lives in the moment in joy and i am caught up in the past and she wishes me all the best but i am stuck and sick. I havre a full life and she is a lonely stipper. I hate to judge but i am having to really get tp the bottom of this now and its really painful . Iam really not thinking i am perfect AT ALL... .but i see that she has always been jellous of me as i was the oldest and my mum was seriously ill and she was left alone with my mum and i feel she has never been able to understand that i needed to leave home... i walked on eggshells around her my whole life ... .she was insanely scary for a little girl even... i need to stop now thank you for listening

[Pilate]

  Welcome,  rootsnarms,

I am glad you have found our supportive community. I'm sorry for all of the hurt and trauma that your sister's behavior and accusations have created. It sounds like you are processing so many things and reviewing your relationship with your sister. You have a T, which is great for dealing with so many emotions that come up. How are you feeling now?

I can see that you care and have compassion for your sister. Her illness probably makes her unable or unwilling to see your love for her, but I can see it in your post. 

It sounds like you have a strong support system with your husband and other family; these are so valuable. Keep taking care of yourself and let your sister take care of herself. There are a number of great tools, threads, and articles on this site for dealing with FOG (fear obligation guilt) Please come back and keep posting!

Pilate

[Kwamina]

Hi rootsnarms

I would like to join pilate in welcoming you here

Based on your description of your sister, she does seem a difficult person to get along with. Her behavior at and after your wedding is quite disturbing. I can imagine this also shocked your husband, how does he feel about the situation with your sister?

When I look at your sister, she seems to be engaging in a lot of 'projection' and 'splitting', classic BPD behaviors. Her words and actions are quite unpleasant, yet most likely are only a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity which she is projecting onto you.

In your sister's mind her own behavior might make perfect sense, even the extreme splitting into 'all-good' and 'all-bad' categories. If she has BPD, she most likely has distorted thinking patterns though she herself might not even realize her thinking is distorted.

You are struggling with her behavior and negativity which is understandable. Verbal abuse and false accusations are very unpleasant and can be quite tough to deal with. Perhaps things will change in the future. Perhaps your sister will at some point realize there is something wrong with her behavior and seek help. Whether she does or not, is out of your control but what you can control is your own behavior. Setting and enforcing/defending firm boundaries is very important when dealing with a BPD family-member. Boundaries help to keep us safe and preserve our own well-being.

Thanks for sharing your story with us