2 run-ins with people from his crowd

[cloudten]

First of all, I want to apologize for bogging the board down with my life today. I just feel like there is no where else I can go where people understand my problems. So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for putting up with me.

Brief Backstory: 3 year relationship with dBPDxbf, presently 9 weeks NC, 18 month restraining order after he assaulted me in vegas in October. (I am also daughter of a narc mom)

So- per the subject line- I have had 2 run-ins with people from his "crowd"... .once Tuesday and once just now... .

Tuesday, I went to a bar to meet up with a friend. The bar was out of the way- one I had never ever run into anyone I knew. Well, low and behold there was the girlfriend of one of BPDx's best friend with her roommate (one that she tried to set up with BPDx after one of our breakups- they didn't work out- now i know why, she wasn't his type at all). She motioned me over right away and pretended to be slightly friendly.  I don't think she really likes me... .frankly I don't like her so I don't really care. But she invited me over to drink with them. Being my codependent self, I accepted the invite. She talked the whole time about herself and my BPDx's best friend and how they aren't really getting along right now. That's fine. I offered and ear and practiced my validation techniques. The friend that was supposed to meet me messaged me that he wasn't coming... .so I left after one drink... .saying it was nice to see them. 

I panicked for about 3 hours following. I am not really sure why other than this was disrupting my peace. My peace is coming from everything NOT related to him. I know she'll tell her bf who will tell my x, but whatever. I was there alone... .so it seems to them.

But the one that happened just now is more disturbing. I was at the wine store (I  wine- not an alcoholic, but I do appreciate a great glass). At the check out was the BEST friend of my BPDx's mother. I love this woman with all of my heart. She is amazing. She is sweet. She is a 65 year old version of me. I MISS HER SO MUCH! This woman fulfills a place in me that my mother would never be able to. When I say I miss him... .I really miss his family and friends too. This woman... .I can't say enough good about her... .but I know where her loyalties lie.

She waited for me to make my purchase and we talked in the parking lot for 5 minutes. She said "you aren't seeing BPDx anymore, are you?"  I broke down. I told her the very short version. I probably shouldn't have but it just all bubbled out. She had no idea about what happened. She said she hasn't even seen him since the last time he and I were with her at his parents house in September (very odd).  I told her in very broad brush strokes about what happened in vegas, and that I came home and filed a restraining order. She said ":)r. Jekyll Mr. Hyde huh?"... .I said exactly. She said that no one in the family knows. I said I wasn't surprised as none of them went to court with him. She said she wasn't going to tell the family. She probably won't. It's not really her place to. I don't expect her to, and in a way I don't want her to. Right now, everyone is respecting boundaries, except for maybe me as I spilled my guts out to her tonight... .

I told her I love her and wished her a Merry Christmas and told her to tell her son, another one of BPDx's friends, that I said hello. She said he doesn't even know about the restraining order. I have a feeling BPDx told absolutely no one except the friend/lawyer and his cop friend that were with him in court... .and likely his therapist if he is still going to him.

Anyway- I am just all mixed up right now. Typing this (and a huge glass of south african wine quite delish) has helped take the edge off.

I wish I would stop having run-ins... .it's getting dangerously close to being someone more serious. I live in a pretty big town... .so this is baffling. I don't know if I did the right thing. Maybe this is why I have been in a funk this week... .because everything is pointing to BPDx. grrrrrrrrr.

Thanks for making it this far if you have. 

[thisworld]

Hey Cloudten  ,

Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings here, I think we are all learning from each other. I think we have something in common. I, too, have a narc mother - though she is not grandiose- and I could do everything you did and feel exactly like you. I would probably be angry with myself as well - for going with the flow with the mother's best friend and giving too much information. Don't beat yourself over this, you may practice "brief bus stop conversation with acquaintances and nothing more" skills instead of your validation skills next time and all will be fine.

Do you feel in danger because of what happened? Is there any need to increase your personal security with this ex? How volatile is he?

[cloudten]

I think I do feel a slight bit of danger... .a little more than before. But I have no idea if she will tell anyone. On one hand, its disturbing enough that she might not say anything to his mom... .but on the other hand, she is a huge gossip... .I think she will tell her son who has no filter and will tell everyone. So, if that happens... .I will be glad that he can't hide from the truth. On the other hand, it definitely makes me feel less safe.

He is lethal. The last time I saw/interacted with him (besides court), he was raging at me in a hotel room in Las Vegas. He was physically abusing me and choked me until I blacked out. I thought I was dying... .so, I would say pretty darn volatile. He would do it again.

I like your idea of brief bus stop conversation. Idk... .it just came pouring out. If she hadn't asked me about him, I wouldn't have said anything.

I had the most awful nightmares last night. In one he told me he didn't want to be with me and we hugged... .i could practically smell him. Maybe I should move... .I didn't think I would need to... .but now I am starting to think that I should move.

[thisworld]

All this must have been so difficult, I feel for you. I would try to stop worrying about who may say what to whom, that's not something you can control at the moment. However, I would never ever chat with anyone he knows from now on - except professional environments and only in professional topics. Everywhere else, my priority to would be to take myself out of that environment or limit my communication to a simple hello. Still, because of being exposed, even your polite "hello" with a civil smile may feel like a big violation to him. My maximum would be a neutral nod to his friends if necessary with a very brief smile, maybe and apology that you have to do X,Y,Z, whatever it is to keep yourself out of their domain. Ex: You've run into his friends in a pub. If they don't see you, you don't see them. If they see you, no matter how friendly they may be, you are on your way to the restroom. At most a polite smile, you are in a rush:)) Then go and sit wherever you would without them. If they come near you, a very brief convo, a look at the mobile phone, raise your eyebrows, oops, sorry, you've got to leave. (Maybe you are waiting for a friend there, change that plan if you can. go back to that place with that person if you can.) Never act scared, never give them the feeling that you are afraid. You're in a rush, you have a plan, that's all. Nothing more nothing less. Practice this if necessary.

In regard to volatile, lethal ex. Hopefully he would control himself more now that you have this order. Please, never ever end up in the same enclosed space with this person. Even if he is bleeding to death. Do you live in a safe place where he cannot enter even if he pretends to be your friend to the doorman etc, a safe street with people around when you are coming home etc?

When we are traumatised, some fearful scenarios may feel more realistic than they usually are for us. At the same time, a lot of people become victims because they think they are not in real danger and it is their trauma. Try not to dwell in big fears that paralyze you but don't hesitate to take precautions that may feel suitable to you. If you have worries about the safety of your home - it may be over the top for some people but actually you would now better- do what you think is necessary. Stay with a friend for a bit? Invite someone to stay with you for a bit? And see if he is stalking? How invested are you in your house? Could you move easily? Most importantly, do you have a support circle of friends, family?

Stay strong, stay safe.    

[shatra]

cloud wrote--

there was the girlfriend of one of BPDx's best friend with her roommate (one that she tried to set up with BPDx after one of our breakups- they didn't work out- now i know why, she wasn't his type at all).

---- So the ex's friend's girlfriend had tried to set your ex up with her roomate during your split? Is that correct?

---My question is: why are you not angry at this? I would be angry at the friend for trying to set him up, and angry at the roommate for going out with him. I realize you were split up at the time, but still I would feel betrayed. Just curious, how were you able to sit calmly with them and not feel angry?

----What was your feeling during and after the bar?

---Very likely yshe will tell her bf who will tell your ex. How does the woman's boyfriend (your ex's friend) get along with you?

[cloudten]

Yes, that is correct.

I wasn't happy... .but i am trying so hard to let things go and not be bitter. I also know that he was completely uninterested in her... .and his actions seemed to correspond. And honestly, i have no room to talk... .i went on 2 dates with 2 different people in that time period.

Trust me... .i didnt feel good... .that's why I posted.

Friend of my BPDx and i got along just fine. I get along with almost everyone... .i can really only count my enemies on 1 finger. So all of his friends and i were on good terms... .same for his family.