Childhood rage

[adventurer]

When I was in grade school, my dad had a stroke.  He lost half his brain, was paralyzed, couldn't recognize me any longer, could barely talk.  It was traumatic for our whole family and my mother basically had a nervous breakdown.

I'm not sure how this got started, but there was a girl in my class who would tease me about my dad.  Laugh at me for not having a father.  She liked to get a reaction out of me.  I would try to ignore her until the hurt was too big, then I would attack her, filled with rage and try to beat her up.  I'm convinced if these fights weren't broken up by teachers I may have killed her.

I was always severely punished for my behavior.  From my perspective at the time, nothing happened to her and she was always free to continue her harassment.  I was the one who was supposed to be the bigger person and not succumb to her bullying.  I was given no counseling, no guidance, noone to talk to about my feelings about the loss of my father.  I learned noone cares about your feelings, only the front of good behavior you put forward to the world.  Fortunately, I have been fairly successful in life and have been instilled with a good work ethic and the ability to usually accomplish the things I set out to do.  So I have avoided having my life become a complete mess from this bad start.

But, I struggled with temper and rage for years until recently.  Counseling and reading about CBT have helped me find techniques to observe not absorb and self-soothe.  Also, I have learned how my wife attempts to hit by triggers, bait and gaslight me into frustration and losing my temper to create conflict when she is feeling bad.  I can detach and handle things fairly well for the most part.

Is this why I've chosen emotionally abusive women in my life?  Is it because I need to keep living out that anger and rage towards someone?  I want to break the cycle of frustration and hate.  How do I tell that kid that everything is going to be ok now?  Bad things happen, you lost your dad but you're gonna get through it.  I was never able to 'feel' my emotions and I was never taught how to handle negative feelings.

I want to heal.  How can I heal myself and break the bad cycles in my life?  My major relationships have been with with women either diagnosed bi-polar or strong characteristics of BPD or NPD.  Every women I've been in a relationship with has wielded the silent treatment like a sword, and it used to fill me with extreme anxiety and dread.  I just want to be alone for awhile and get my head straight.

I started crying writing about that little boy I was, maybe I need to write some more to him and start to release more of these feelings.

[aubin]

Yes, that sounds like a good idea, to write to that hurt little boy more. My T encourages me to "re-parent" myself, that is, to have my adult self console, validate, and otherwise attend to the little kid in me that didn't receive those things in childhood. It means stepping in and being the parent/caregiver/adult that I needed when I was a child but didn't have. I think this kind of self-care is really important for disconnecting from unhealthy relationships with others by building first a healthy relationship with yourself. It's a way of giving yourself the things that the child in you might be craving from other people.