Nephew committed suicide

[vortex of confusion]

My nephew committed suicide yesterday.

His mom presents as BPD queen/witch. She can be very vindictive and scary. She has been driving by my house and has been tormenting my nephew's wife. I know she is grieving. I have been no contact with her for a couple of years now. I can't reach out to her as it is not safe. I know she is grieving as we all are.

I am afraid to go to his funeral services and several other family members have expressed similar concerns because nobody knows what my sister will do.

I am not sure if I am looking for advice or what. I am still in shock but want to protect my family from all of the craziness that is going on with my FOO.

[babyducks]

I'm so sorry to hear of your tragic loss.   

[Sunfl0wer]

I am so sorry!   

What do you need to do for this evening to take care of yourself?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I can't reach out to her as it is not safe.

I am afraid to go to his funeral services and several other family members have expressed similar concerns because nobody knows what my sister will do.

I am still in shock but want to protect my family from all of the craziness that is going on with my FOO.

Vortex,

I am so very sorry to hear of your nephew's suicide.  While it sounds like a difficult situation, it also seems you do know what is best for you and your family.  You are right that YOUR FAMILY must come first.

XOXO

rml

[Eyeamme]

I am so so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

[Turkish]

I am so sorry vortex... .

In a time when family should come together, it's horrible that no one can out of concern of not being safe.

How is your niece-in-law, do you have any contact?

[Kwamina]

Hi vortex of confusion,

I am very sorry you've lost your nephew in such a tragic way. Losing a family-member is difficult enough by itself and this added element of suicide only makes it even more devastating. I want to offer you my sincere condolences

It's very unfortunate that his mother is behaving this way. Knowing what you know about her, I think it probably is very wise that you remain vigilant and keeping some distance from her, at least for now, particularly since you are also grieving yourself.

You mention that his mom torments your nephew's wife, it's awful that on top of losing her husband she now also has to deal with this. What does his mom exactly do to her?

I am afraid to go to his funeral services and several other family members have expressed similar concerns because nobody knows what my sister will do.

Have you perhaps been able to talk to anyone who still does have contact with your sister?

Take care as you grieve the loss of your nephew

[enlighten me]

Im sorry for your loss.

At times like this we sometimes should put our own feelings aside and be there for the ones that are hurting the most.

Your sister will be dealing with a lot but so is your nephews wife. She has just lost her husband and the last thing she needs is her MIL having a melt down out her.

She is probably confused and doesn't know what BPD is. She probably cant understand what has happened and one person in her life can give her some understanding and that is you. I don't mean that you should just tell her everything but reaching out to her and being there for her if she reaches out to you may help to ease her pain.

[Suzn]

I'm very sorry for your loss VOC.    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I lost a cousin to suicide and was fearful of attending the funeral too for very similar reasons. It's ok to grieve in your own way. 

[Skip]

I'm so sorry.

Our prayers are with you and your family today.

[isilme]

I just wanted to say I am sorry for you and your family.  I know the funeral is a hard thing to face (I did not go to my grandfather's or grandmothers - they backed my BPDdad in his horrendous treatment of me and I knew he'd be there.  I also did not go to my aunt's for the same reason, even though I liked her very much and she always tried to treat me well for the same reason).

Is there any way you and "safe" members of the family can at least have a simple, but private, wake of some sort, so you can support each other at this time?  I don;t nkow if there is any way personal visits might help you all, as long as there is some control over who's there.

Prayers for you and your family. 

[HappyChappy]

So sorry to hear your loss vortex.

I am still in shock but want to protect my family from all of the craziness that is going on with my FOO.

I would do the same. 

[vortex of confusion]

How is your niece-in-law, do you have any contact?

I hadn't seen her in a year or two. I contacted her and let her know that I was here if she needed anything. I never heard back from her so I am going to let it go.

[vortex of confusion]

Have you perhaps been able to talk to anyone who still does have contact with your sister?

My sister can be rather scary. She has been posting all kinds of crazy stuff on social media about how she wishes we would all rot in hell. I don't know exactly what was said as I have had her and everyone associated with her blocked.

I feel for her but I cannot put myself in danger by talking to her. She called the police on ME the last time she came to my house and I asked her to leave. She called them and had them do a welfare check because I wouldn't let her in the house and I wouldn't let her see my kids. The stories I could tell about the crazy stuff that she has done. I have dealt with it by going NC and trying to have very little contact with anybody that I know that tends to spread rumors and carry stuff back to her. Yes, I am very scared of her and what she can/will do.

[vortex of confusion]

Is there any way you and "safe" members of the family can at least have a simple, but private, wake of some sort, so you can support each other at this time?  I don;t nkow if there is any way personal visits might help you all, as long as there is some control over who's there.

There has been mention of having a dinner or something in his memory that is quiet and just for those of us that don't want anything to do with my nephew's mom. I don't know what is going on with any of that though. There have been mixed reports about who is handling the funeral arrangements and what is going to transpire.

[vortex of confusion]

I want to thank everyone for all of the support. It still seems so surreal. He wasn't a part of my daily life but I used to run into him at the store or when visiting other people. I have so many fond memories of watching him grow up.

[Turkish]

How is your niece-in-law, do you have any contact?

I hadn't seen her in a year or two. I contacted her and let her know that I was here if she needed anything. I never heard back from her so I am going to let it go.

You've done what you could do. Based upon the other incidents you shared, it sounds like you might not be safe around the others. It's so sad that in such a tragedy, others are consumed in making things about themselves.

[Suzn]

Your family is probably still in shock. Your NIL may be overwhelmed right now and understandably so. I wouldn't take her not responding personally, she may contact you later down the road. Plus, she may be at a disadvantage where you are concerned if she is in contact with your sister, depending on what their relationship is like.

[vortex of confusion]

Your family is probably still in shock. Your NIL may be overwhelmed right now and understandably so. I wouldn't take her not responding personally, she may contact you later down the road. Plus, she may be at a disadvantage where you are concerned if she is in contact with your sister, depending on what their relationship is like.

She is definitely at a disadvantage. I don't see how I could do anything for anybody without adding fuel to the fires. Yes, she is in contact with my sister and it is all very rocky. I get to hear tidbits of this and that. We are all still in shock. This is the fourth family member over so many years that has committed suicide.

[Suzn]

I don't see how I could do anything for anybody without adding fuel to the fires.

I totally get that. It sounds like you and some of your family members will be getting together to honor your nephew's memory and to be there for each other. That's doing something.

This is a difficult time after so much loss. Be kind to you.  

[vortex of confusion]

I totally get that. It sounds like you and some of your family members will be getting together to honor your nephew's memory and to be there for each other. That's doing something.

I have been reminiscing with my kids about all of the fun times we had with him. There are a lot of little things that he made for me over the years that I have hanging in my house. He used to make stuff and then bring it over and give it to me and the kids. So many good memories from when he was younger. After he got married and started his own family, we kind of grew apart and his visits became less and less and we kept a distance so as to not upset others.

When he was little, I spent quite a few summers taking care of him while my sister worked. Until we grew apart, he would ask to have his birthday parties at my house so I could make him one of my cakes. When he got married, he had the reception at my house. I used to babysit his oldest son while him and his wife went to school or worked. We were a huge part of each other's lives for a really long time. I had hope that one day, our kids could play together.

I was hoping that all of the craziness in the family would lessen enough for me to have a relationship with him again. Now, that hope is gone. He was such a funny and sweet guy.

[Kwamina]

Hi again vortex of confusion,

You have a lot of fond memories of your nephew. Now that he's gone you at least still have these beautiful memories to hold on to, I hope this gives you some comfort as you mourn his passing. It was very kind of him that he made all kinds of little things for you that you now have hanging in your house. In a way you could say that through those self-made gifts he gave you something of himself so he'll always can be with you.

How are things now? How are you and your kids holding up?

[vortex of confusion]

How are things now? How are you and your kids holding up?

Thank you for asking!

My kids don't have nearly as many memories of him as I do. My youngest doesn't even remember him. The older two kids have fond memories of him but don't seem to be too bothered by it because he wasn't a regular part of our lives any more.

I have been going through all of my old photos and remembering watching him grow up and all of the super cute and super sweet things that he did over the years. I remembered how his mom and I used to do stuff together before she painted me black. Lots of mixed feelings. Looking through old photos helped a lot.