6 blow ups left

[Chilibean13]

I want to leave but my belief system says I have no reason to go. He hasn't cheated and he hasn't told me to go. Those are the only 2 times I would be able to leave based on my religion. I'm hurt and tired and stuck.

I read posts about how SOs with BPD have left their partners, and I know it hurts the partner (and I hate that they are hurt by it), but I get jealous. The thought of a day, a week, a month without his drama sounds so wonderful... .so peaceful.

I've been on the staying board, and I'm sure I'll go back to it, but today, this week, I've set a limit. IF he blows up 8 times between the begining of this week and the end of Dec,  I'm going to leave. That would mean he is dysregulating on average of 2 times per week. It's only Friday and already he has hit 2. Only 6 chances left. Will I actually pull the trigger and leave? I doubt it. I can't justify it because of my faith. But today it feels good to think about being alone.

[flourdust]

 

I've been there. I am there.

I told myself at the beginning of summer I would get divorced if things weren't better by the fall.  I didn't keep that promise. I was too scared of making that change and the pain that would follow.

Then I told myself a few months ago that I would give myself until January.  This time, I tried to approach this decision seriously as something to explore honestly.  I talk about it with my therapist, my best friend, and my parents. I've done a lot of reading and reflecting, trying to visualize what I really thought about divorce -- what it would mean both in the short and long term.  What I would lose. What I would gain. How I would feel about those things.

This has been tremendously helpful.  I'm finding myself in ownership of the decision, and I'm getting more comfortable with sticking to it.

[Eyeamme]

Hi Chilibean,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. If I may ask, what religion is it that doesn't allow you to be emotionally safe from someone that isn't treating you as you need to be treated? I really am curious.

Just a thought but treating ourselves with respect seems to be a duty to God too. I am not religious so I am not well versed but I was wondering.

[Chilibean13]

I'm a Christian. Jesus says that adultry is the only reason for divorce. The Bible also says if your spouse is not a Christian and tells you to leave then you can go. My husband is a Christian so I don't fall in either categroy.

The Bible isn't against separation, so long as I don't start a relationship with anyone else. My surity is in Christ not in any person. It's hard for someone without faith to understand this. It's hard for someone who is a nominal Christian to understand, but Jesus is my Lord and Savior. I want to follow him above all else, even if that means He is my sole means of comfort. My faith is not supposed to be in the things that I see but in the things I cannot see.

[Eyeamme]

Thank you for the explanation. Makes sense. Thank you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Chilibean, I am not as well versed in Scripture as you, though recently had an opportunity to review the parable of the five talents.  Jesus became quite upset with the guy who buried his talent.  In a sense, you could say that you have buried your talent in your marriage.  Does this make sense?  I doubt Jesus expected anyone to be miserable.

LuckyJim

[unicorn2014]

Hi Chilibean, I don't know what sect or denomination or faith you belong to, and in mine you don't have to stay in an abusive marriage. I was allowed to divorce an alcoholic husband without a problem and was given permission to remarry. It sounds to me like your marriage qualifies as an abusive marriage. I don't know if you talked to a clergy person about this. It also sounds to me that it is your own standard  you are struggling with. 

[HopefulDad]

Please speak with your clergy on this.  The Bible represents the word of God as relayed/understood by his disciples.  It allows revisiting by the church for clarification... .and the church does so (e.g. Vatican Councils).  Your clergy can confirm or clarify your understanding and help guide you on the best path to take (e.g. separation with hopes of reconciliation).

[LilMe]

If God doesn't allow divorce, why were there rules concerning it in the Old Testament?  I am not saying you should divorce, but I cannot imagine that God would want anyone to be in an abusive situation.  I agree with the others who have suggested talking to your pastor/clergyperson.

There is also a good book on the subject and marriage resources at this website -

www.divorcehope.com/

[whitebackatcha]

I understand where you are coming from. I do know Jesus would want you to protect yourself. If you separated, at least you would be able to do that. I don't believe there is anything in the Bible against living apart, as long as you continue to honor your marriage vows of fidelity.

[Wrongturn1]

Chili:  I understand what you're saying here.  If your husband has not committed adultery or abandoned you, then the biblical grounds for divorce are not there.  I don't read any prohibition on a temporary separation from an emotionally abusive spouse with the intent of repentance, healing, and reconciliation.  And absolutely, if you have an unsatisfying marriage but you still have Jesus, that's more than enough - I appreciated your point about that and felt encouraged.

How many blowups does your husband still have remaining this month before you hit your limit?

[Chilibean13]

My H made it! He beat my limit. He had 4 blow ups left! I'm pretty happy about this because 1) it made for a pretty enjoyable CHristmas 2) This was my sign that he can get better.