She's going to Africa alone and seems quite happy to have me abandonned

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Folks, really sad to say i've split up with the BPD gf

I spent three months (twice) this year in her country where i dont speak the language... .Came back for the month of December to spend xmas with her and her family. Would have been here for New Year (Which would have been our 1st anniversary). Then we were going to go to West Africa for 3 weeks together.

A few days ago i was little down. She asked what was wrong. I said "JUST feeling a little isolated". She knows i work at home on my own all day and knows i cant speak the language here.

It caused her to freak out! :/

I was then not spoken to for 3 days straight (perfect action to take against someone feeling isolated). She went slept in another room for 3 nights (perfect action to take against someone feeling isolated). Then when i expressed the idea if this was going to continue i'd be better off at home she pretty much packed my bags for me

Been bombarded by messages that it's all my fault.

She's going to Africa alone and seems quite happy to have me abandonned there not knowing what the fick i will do (perfect action to take against someone feeling isolated)

I'm really sad it hasn't worked out but the emotional abuse is/was unbearable.

I loved her. I think I always will. It'll be a year of my life I will look back on and remember some of the best but also most horrific moments of my life.

Now i'm on my own completely in another country. Somehow got to summon the energy to get home in one peace and try to start over again.

Certainly been an experience. I really feel sorry for everyone who has had to co-exist with this in their lives and have the greatest respect for those who are somehow able to cope with it.

I'm not going to hang around the forum now advising everyone to leave... .dont think i really managed to do anything right during this time (so dont feel qualified to hang around and offer advice). So I guess this is bye.

Thank you so much for the people who have offered words of wisdom during my time here.

Love you all.

[LArve]

Hi Folks, really sad to say i've split up with the BPD gf

I spent three months (twice) this year in her country where i dont speak the language... .Came back for the month of December to spend xmas with her and her family. Would have been here for New Year (Which would have been our 1st anniversary). Then we were going to go to West Africa for 3 weeks together.

A few days ago i was little down. She asked what was wrong. I said "JUST feeling a little isolated". She knows i work at home on my own all day and knows i cant speak the language here.

It caused her to freak out! :/

I was then not spoken to for 3 days straight (perfect action to take against someone feeling isolated). She went slept in another room for 3 nights (perfect action to take against someone feeling isolated). Then when i expressed the idea if this was going to continue i'd be better off at home she pretty much packed my bags for me

Been bombarded by messages that it's all my fault.

She's going to Africa alone and seems quite happy to have me abandonned there not knowing what the fick i will do (perfect action to take against someone feeling isolated)

I'm really sad it hasn't worked out but the emotional abuse is/was unbearable.

I loved her. I think I always will. It'll be a year of my life I will look back on and remember some of the best but also most horrific moments of my life.

Now i'm on my own completely in another country. Somehow got to summon the energy to get home in one peace and try to start over again.

Certainly been an experience. I really feel sorry for everyone who has had to co-exist with this in their lives and have the greatest respect for those who are somehow able to cope with it.

I'm not going to hang around the forum now advising everyone to leave... .dont think i really managed to do anything right during this time (so dont feel qualified to hang around and offer advice). So I guess this is bye.

Thank you so much for the people who have offered words of wisdom during my time here.

Love you all.

[fromheeltoheal]

A few days ago i was little down. She asked what was wrong. I said "JUST feeling a little isolated". She knows i work at home on my own all day and knows i cant speak the language here.

It caused her to freak out! :/

Hey L'Arve-

So my hallucination is that when you said you were feeling isolated she heard that meant you were going to leave her, to fix your isolation, and also she wasn't capable of fixing it, so she freaked.  It doesn't necessarily make sense, but for someone who focuses on abandonment and fears it full time, it makes perfect sense.

The fun starts now L'Arve, as you get some time and distance from her, I can totally relate to how that seems like the best option when in a situation where "the emotional abuse is/was unbearable", and emotions will now come up for you as you process all of what you went through.  Emotional abuse from a partner is not a small thing and you may feel a lot of things moving forward, so stick around if you want, it's ultimately a great journey.

[LArve]

Hey L'Arve-

So my hallucination is that when you said you were feeling isolated she heard that meant you were going to leave her, to fix your isolation, and also she wasn't capable of fixing it, so she freaked.  It doesn't necessarily make sense, but for someone who focuses on abandonment and fears it full time, it makes perfect sense.

The fun starts now L'Arve, as you get some time and distance from her, I can totally relate to how that seems like the best option when in a situation where "the emotional abuse is/was unbearable", and emotions will now come up for you as you process all of what you went through.  Emotional abuse from a partner is not a small thing and you may feel a lot of things moving forward, so stick around if you want, it's ultimately a great journey.

I know you are 100% correct. I couldn't see that in that moment and got defensive and started defending myself for feeling isolated. I was angry and confused intially at her reaction but later explained a) it had nothing to do with me wanting to go home or leave her and b) i get the same feeling when i am back in my own country if i have not spoken with anyone all day.

If that had been the end of that then it'd have been fine.

but the reality of it is... .i tell her i'm feeling isolated after 8 hours alone

So she cranks up the isolation to 11 and doesn't speak to me for 3 days

i tell her not been spoken to for 3 days has made me feel even more isolated

So she cranks up the isolation full blast and tells me she's leaving for 2 months and that i'll be venturing around Africa on my own for 3 weeks.

What i've never been able to understand about BPD is given they are so scared of been abandoned... .how come they seem to do everything in their power to ensure it happens?

It's a mystery.

and... .thanks fromheeltoheal i will stick around. I guess this is not going to be easy and there's still some way to go.

[fromheeltoheal]

What i've never been able to understand about BPD is given they are so scared of been abandoned... .how come they seem to do everything in their power to ensure it happens?

It's a mystery.

Yes, it is a mystery when you try and apply rational thought to it, but look at it through the lens of the disorder.  She probably wasn't doing anything to intentionally hurt you, she was dealing with her own pain the best she could, which could have included:

- Shame that she wasn't able to 'fix' your situation; BPD is a shame-based disorder.

- Fear that you were about to leave, that ever-present fear of abandonment

- Search of other attachments, since attachments are everything to borderlines, she can feel like she literally doesn't exist without one.

- And just flailing in her own pain because of all of the above, not able to consider your needs at all.

So as you consider all of that, start to slowly shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future.  This is great time to start creating the life of your dreams, as you grieve the loss of the relationship, so you build momentum towards that life as you come out the other side of grieving.  Take care of you!

[LArve]

Could do with the words: "This is great time to start creating the life of your dreams" hanging on my wall somewhere or tattooed on my forehead. Great quote. Very uplifting thanks.

I had a great chat with her yesterday. She explained why she did what she did. EVEN admitted some wrongdoing (I was shocked). EVEN admitted wrong doing with out following up with "but you made me do it" (I was really shocked)

It was very refreshing. We were very honest and positive.

Then, as usual, she popped all the party balloons and accused me of been an abuser and ensured the conversation didn't end well.

One of my greatest fears is how hurtful it is when things are going well and she destroys everything. It is one of the reasons i stopped been enthusiastic about future plans with her that should have been good opportunities (they were opportunities from things to go from great to really bad).

I'll always be tentative and afraid talking with her. I hope this doesn't last into the next relationship or have any other baring on my life.

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he explained why she did what she did. EVEN admitted some wrongdoing (I was shocked). EVEN admitted wrong doing with out following up with "but you made me do it" (I was really shocked)

So what happened, from her perspective?