Ex BPD beginning to irritate me

[burritoman]

This is just a rant, but she's beginning to irritate me. I've mentioned some of my backstory in previous posts, but it all amounts to why I'm irritated.

I've been almost 5 weeks of NC with her. She broke up with me after a week of going aloof, then unexpectedly dropped so many wishy washy reasons for breaking up with me that I was left confused and hurt. "I need space." "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" "I want to be healthy if I were to want to return to this someday." "I need your blessing to end this." "If you don't give me what I want I'm going to make you miserable. I'm going to cheat on you and tell you all about it." I reluctantly gave her my "blessing," said an adult, stern, but strong send off - certainly more mature than the things she said to me. I hung up. She texted me followups like "I know I'm hurting you." "I need this space to grow." Etc etc etc. I ignored her.

Fast forward to today. She left thousands of dollars of things up here. We're still friends on FB (but I haven't looked at her page). She still has up all of our "couple" photos up, containing statements like "I like to look at him." "I'm thankful for this guy." "He's such a hottie." "<3." I know this obviously because I'm still tagged in them, and she's still tagged in my photos. I've done a very good job of not looking at her page since briefly after we broke up. I'm proud of myself for that.

Now, this is what really irritates me. We have over 20 mutual friends, and over 3/4 of them are my friends. Also, I've noticed recently that she's been liking their posts. Not often, but I definitely see them. Now, this girl has a very strict "no exes" policy. She is not friends with any of her long term exes, and she wants nothing to do with them. She has none of her prior exes' photos up. When she's done, she's done.

I've never been the type to worry about side-taking post breakup. We're all adults here. But of the friends she's been liking things on, they're my closest friends. They all know about the breakup, and they know the way she treated me during the relationship, the horrible things she said, and the harsh and unnecessary way she chose to end things with me. These are the people who have been helping me cope and heal with this, and they've been listening to me ad nauseam about this whole situation.

I would never ask my friends or family to disassociate with her, that's their decision, but I find it strange that she would still go out of her way to maintain even that minimal amount of contact with them after we haven't spoken for over a month. Obviously then, she hasn't liked anything I've posted. It's as if she doesn't register in her mind that she still has all of her things here and life has continued as normal, just without me in it. According to my friends, she's been living it up on FB. Checking in everywhere, going out drinking, just living it up. Here I am picking up the pieces, sorting through the rubble, going through the motions. Also, these people are the one's telling me that if she were to ever come back I would be an outright fool to even consider letting her in. They've been respectful in keeping hurtful information from me, and I've asked for nothing but minor details.

I feel that she's done a leave-behind with me, but I'm reaching a point where I don't even want to speak with her. I would ignore her if she called or texted. I have no interest in even reaching out to her about getting her things (that I'm paying to store). I'm too exhausted over this. The best analysis I think is that she just doesn't know what she wants. Chalk it up to confusion, immaturity, and BPD.

If we're done, why would she want to be friends with my sister? My sister in-law? My best friend? My other best friend's wife? Another close friend's girlfriend? I'm sorry, but that side-taking part of me is starting to come out.

The only reason I'm still friends with her on FB is because I'm waiting to see how this plays out. If she wants to come get her things? Fine. But I'm cutting her out after that. If she openly displays that she's in another relationship, she's gone (her status is still unlisted). Right now I have no qualms about cutting that tie when the time is right.

The hurt is starting to wane, now I'm just getting irritated. Perhaps this is a good step in the healing process?

[C.Stein]

Hey BM,

Whatever helps you heal is a good step.   

[AsGoodAsItGets]

That sucks, her keeping those connections, but discarding you.  As if to say your more of a hurt and pain to her recovery, but everyone else is not. It's like a double slap in the face.  Very proud of how mature your being.  I think others would have thrown her stuff out and started the smear campaign.  Your a good guy.  It's part of the illness for them to see love and support as bad, to hard, and something to push away, not value.  Hopefully in time you will be free and opened to a new you and partner in your life soon.

[burritoman]

That sucks, her keeping those connections, but discarding you.  As if to say your more of a hurt and pain to her recovery, but everyone else is not. It's like a double slap in the face.  Very proud of how mature your being.  I think others would have thrown her stuff out and started the smear campaign.  Your a good guy.  It's part of the illness for them to see love and support as bad, to hard, and something to push away, not value.  Hopefully in time you will be free and opened to a new you and partner in your life soon.

Thank you. It would help more if we ever actually had a discussion as to what happened with the relationship. I'm sure we've all had those post-breakup discussions where you talk about it a bit, agree to exchange things, whatever. But no, not a peep out of her since that night. Funny too, because the first time we broke up she said she was going to rent a moving truck and come get her stuff over the weekend. Another time we almost broke up she said something similar. Not this time.

And thank you for the kind words. I'd like to believe I'm a good guy, and I deserve better. We all do.

[SummerStorm]

I'm experiencing the same thing.  My former friend BPD has blocked me and her ex on Facebook.  He saved her life back in June.  I visited her in the psych ward a few days later.  We were both there for her in her darkest hour, and now we are both blocked.  But she's still friends with two of my friends and a bunch of his friends.  A few days after she discarded me in September, she liked one of my friends' posts.  And for a few weeks after she robbed her ex, she liked his one friend's posts and commented on a few of them.

My friends know everything about her.  His friends know everything about her.  But it's not our place to say, "Hey, why are you still friends with her on Facebook?"

I do have a theory that also might apply to your situation.  pwBPD don't like to fully let go.  They like to know that they still have you.  If my close friends and his close friends don't unfriend her, my pwBPD sees it as still being connected to us and probably sees it as proof that we didn't tell other people bad things about her.  So, she will feel more comfortable making contact with us again.  It also serves the pwBPD well because it makes him/her look like a good person to other people.  "Oh, look.  My ex and I aren't friends on here, but his/her friends still like me." 

All of this really is incredibly irritating.     

[burritoman]

I do have a theory that also might apply to your situation.  pwBPD don't like to fully let go.  They like to know that they still have you.  If my close friends and his close friends don't unfriend her, my pwBPD sees it as still being connected to us and probably sees it as proof that we didn't tell other people bad things about her.  So, she will feel more comfortable making contact with us again.  It also serves the pwBPD well because it makes him/her look like a good person to other people.  "Oh, look.  My ex and I aren't friends on here, but his/her friends still like me." 

All of this really is incredibly irritating.     

Do you feel this means they never really move on? They just go to the next thing?

[SummerStorm]

I do have a theory that also might apply to your situation.  pwBPD don't like to fully let go.  They like to know that they still have you.  If my close friends and his close friends don't unfriend her, my pwBPD sees it as still being connected to us and probably sees it as proof that we didn't tell other people bad things about her.  So, she will feel more comfortable making contact with us again.  It also serves the pwBPD well because it makes him/her look like a good person to other people.  "Oh, look.  My ex and I aren't friends on here, but his/her friends still like me." 

All of this really is incredibly irritating.     

Do you feel this means they never really move on? They just go to the next thing?

Yes.  And when the next thing doesn't work, they come back.  I have done nothing bad to my pwBPD.  All I've ever done is call her out on her bad behavior.   But 95% of the time, I have been nothing but nice and caring. 

I don't think she will contact everyone from her past, but it"s clear that she likes to keep tabs on people. 

At this point, I think she's done with me for a long time.  However, that doesn't mean she's done forever.  In June, she told me she wanted me out of her life forever.   But she still kept my phone number and my address.  She always keeps those. 

I would imagine that seeing me on Tinder is what brought her to me in August, though that isn't confirmed.  I asked her what brought her back this time, and it was a post on Facebook.  She didn't know I had Facebook.  The only ways she could have known is if I popped up as someone she might know or if I popped up on Tinder and she saw that we have mutual friends.   I think it's the latter.  She broke up with her most recent boyfriend in the morning, changed her profile pic, got on Tinder that afternoom, saw me, decided to check out my Facebook page, saw a post that was clearly about her, unblocked my texts, and texted me. 

[burritoman]

Yes.  And when the next thing doesn't work, they come back.  I have done nothing bad to my pwBPD.  All I've ever done is call her out on her bad behavior.   But 95% of the time, I have been nothing but nice and caring.  

I don't think she will contact everyone from her past, but it"s clear that she likes to keep tabs on people.  

At this point, I think she's done with me for a long time.  However, that doesn't mean she's done forever.  In June, she told me she wanted me out of her life forever.   But she still kept my phone number and my address.  She always keeps those.  

I would imagine that seeing me on Tinder is what brought her to me in August, though that isn't confirmed.  I asked her what brought her back this time, and it was a post on Facebook.  She didn't know I had Facebook.  The only ways she could have known is if I popped up as someone she might know or if I popped up on Tinder and she saw that we have mutual friends.   I think it's the latter.  She broke up with her most recent boyfriend in the morning, changed her profile pic, got on Tinder that afternoom, saw me, decided to check out my Facebook page, saw a post that was clearly about her, unblocked my texts, and texted me.  

Do they ever recycle before going on to the next thing? I never treated mine badly either. I was always encouraging, showed support, tried to keep her engaged (even though much of the time she'd just come up here, mope, then blame it on me). I've made bad judgements here and there and I own up to that, but my last action as boyfriend was to send her a nice floral arrangement when she was "sick." So at least that's going out on a high note.

The biggest thing on my plate right now is what to do with her things. I'm paying to store it. A number of friends have told me what a waste of money it is, which I understand, but I'm not mentally ready to reach out to her about it just yet. It WASN'T a waste when we were dating... .but since she changed the terms of our relationship I should no longer be responsible for this, ESPECIALLY if she's out sleeping around or dating. Then what happens? She gets a new boyfriend and moves, then reaches out to me?  I mean... .that's just cruel.

Put yourself in a potential new boyfriend's shoes. You're dating this girl and you decide to move in together. She then tells you "I have a whole storage unit's worth of apartment stuff with my ex boyfriend!" If I heard that now after knowing what I know now about these people, I'd head for the hills. There's also the possibility that she's pulling an "out of sight out of mind" with me. That being, "hey, I've got nowhere to put this stuff. If he doesn't say anything, I wont." I don't think that's in her nature, though.

A number of things were also in my home, but I've been slowly moving them into storage. She doesn't know this. Realistically though at some point her and I will have to have this discussion, she probably DOES know that.

[C.Stein]

A number of things were also in my home, but I've been slowly moving them into storage. She doesn't know this. Realistically though at some point her and I will have to have this discussion, she probably DOES know that.

Maybe just move it all to storage, make arrangements where she can pick the stuff up without seeing you, then contact her and let her know all her stuff is in storage and she has x amount of time to retrieve it.  If she hasn't retrieved it by then you will get rid of the stuff.

[shatra]

burritoman wrote

It would help more if we ever actually had a discussion as to what happened with the relationship.

----You never talked about why it ended? Do you have an idea about what triggered it, or was it the usual BPD push the partner away game?

-----She might be keeping your friends on facebook to get info on you (if they post about you?_), or triangulating (pulling them in while you are pushed away)===it's a way to keep a connection with you