So difficult to be the scapegoat

[caughtnreleased]

Does anyone have kind and comforting words for those who are the scapegoat.  I am exactly this, only because I could not fold to my mothers wishes.  But I have suffered immensely as a result, and have serious trauma from the abuse I took for standing up to her.  It still continues.  She will write emails to my sister and I, and at the end of them she will write personalized messages of affection to my sister, she knows I see this - it is conscious manipulation, there is no question about it.  At this point I know I cannot change her and I have to take this $hit and just let it go... .but still, I am tired of having to take so much $hit from her, tired tired tired.  It never ends.  She is pathological.  Sometimes I really feel like I have suffered so much more because I am the scapegoat.  I always thought that eventually it would pay off having stood my ground, or fought back, but I'm starting to think I fought a war for nothing and have simply suffered enormous casualties.  If only I had let her walk all over me maybe I would be different and suffer less? maybe if I had i wouldn't be so damaged and traumatized.  What is worse letting the conqueror invade to reduce casualties, or fighting the invader?  My experience, and my life really make me question how I reacted to my mother. I always thought I was being true to myself and would eventually be rewarded for it... .but, what am I rewarded with? I keep choosing men who are like her, and friends who are like her.    and so I find myself alone because none of these poeple are reliable, kind and loving... .the kind of person I need to be with to build a life for myself.

[busybee1116]

Are you close to your sister? Does she see what you see? My bro is the golden child, but we're on the same page and it means so much to me that he "gets it" and is supportive of me. My mom also flips (splits) periodically and I'm the best (though infrequent!). I've just decided that although I feel better with her approval, I really don't need it. It comes with too many strings. I'm happier without wishing for it and not getting it. It's taken a long time to make this happen and I'm still hooked by her, but when I feel that way I pause, remind myself I don't need her constant approval and I'm enough, as I am. It's hard. Be patient. Know you are worthy of love and respect, even if your mother can't give it.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Busybee, thanks for your feedback. That's a good point. No my sister is not on the same page. She sees that my mother is crazy, but she does not see that she is the golden child, and I am the scapegoat. She has lived her entire life for my mothers approval actually and so therefore gets its, but of course, my mother will flip on her too.  In the past I found that my sister was rather envious of me, and I also think that she is not strong enough to not fold whenever my mother does give her a crumb of love.  I'm not really sure how she would react if I were to tell her about this golden child/scapegoat dynamic.  She can sometimes be volatile as well.

[Lalasalad]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's SO frustrating having a parent this way.

Similarly, I didn't cave to my mother's wishes. She would do weird things like your letter. In my case, I didn't let her come over a few days after my child was born (she was driving me insane and making my post pardum depression kick in), so she decided not to visit EVER and send the baby packages in the mail instead of delivering them. She lives 5 minutes away. It's making me laugh and seethe thinking about it.

But anyway, good for you! I'm seriously proud of you. It's hard because we want our parent's love. That's natural. It's not natural for them to make us fight for it, or to be sneaky. It also seems to make us look. for their little "signs". I'll point the "signs" my mother leaves for me out to my husband, and he doesn't understand. It can make ya feel crazy. But you're doing great. Forget her. Seriously. Life is better.

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you Lalasalad.  Indeed the little, subtle things do make you think you're crazy.  I really appreciate your words.  I think it's a difficult time for me right now because I am going through changes and I am getting push back from a lot places, and my mother is stooping lower and lower to try and make me miserable, and that just makes me see her for what she is all the more clearly, but it doesn't necessarily hurt less to be the scapegoat.  I described my mothers behaviour to a colleague recently and he responded that it sounded like I was an unwanted child... .and that is really how I feel.  I know... .I need to move on, and get on with it... .and let her be the way she is, and let all her arrows bounce off me.   Does anyone have any advice in the event that I might want to broach this topic with my sister? I know that I have not always been the scapegoat, there have been times when I was the golden child... .however, on the whole, my mother and sister have ganged up together to attack me, while my father sat and watched.  I have been thinking I should broach it... .but not sure if its a good idea. My sister is really too fused to my mother... .

[Sarah girl]

   :)oes anyone have any advice in the event that I might want to broach this topic with my sister? I know that I have not always been the scapegoat, there have been times when I was the golden child... .however, on the whole, my mother and sister have ganged up together to attack me, while my father sat and watched.  I have been thinking I should broach it... .but not sure if its a good idea. My sister is really too fused to my mother... .

Hello Caughtnreleased 

Before you jump on that bandwagon, it might be a good idea to think it through. What need do you want met by putting this issue on the table with your sister? What do you think will happen if you do bring this up with her? Sometimes, it's useful to think things through before actually going through with them. Finally, is there a way you can satisfy your need without your sister's validation? The thing is, she might not be on board. There will be people who will never validate our feelings. This doesn't mean that our feelings are not valid. You already said that she's fused with your mom. Odds are, she might not see things the same way and this could hurt even more in the long run.

What helps me is writing letters to get my feelings out. Mostly, I write them to my younger self so that I can validate what I've been through and move forward. Confronting my BPD mom or my enmeshed brother has always ended in disaster. I exercise LC with them and try to not get lost in the FOG (fear, guilt and obligation). These days, they're always angry with me. I've come to understand that I can't control their disapproval. I've stopped trying to please them. It's very difficult to be the outlet for their anger and accusations. The worst part is, they don't even realize that it's not ok. I've always been the scapegoat so it's the default way they treat me without giving it a second thought. So should I really respect people who think that disrespecting me is an entitlement?

This brings me to your original question of whether it would have been easier for you (less harmful) if you had allowed your mom to walk all over you instead of standing your ground. I allowed my BPD mom to walk all over me for 40 years. I regret it deeply. I was parentified and basically never learned to recognize my own needs. All my decisions were centered around pleasing her. I suffer from complex ptsd and severe disassociation. So no childhood and a complete inability to even know who I am outside of my mom's identity are pretty serious casualties imho. All this to say that I with a BPD parent, casulaties come with the territory. If I could do it over, I would stick up for myself. Validate your own feelings and treat yourself with the kindness and acceptance that you would like to feel from others.   

[caughtnreleased]

Sarah girl, thank you so much for your post.  I am sorry to hear about what you have gone through.  BPD parents are truly terrible, and they hurt everyone.  The other day, I made an affectionate gesture towards my father to demonstrate a point, and his reaction... .one who was completely dying of affection... .suddenly he beamed and radiated at such a tiny simple gesture.  It made me sad, because I know he has received so little love and affection... .and has also received so much abuse.  I recognize that all three of us (sister, father and me) have suffered enormously from my mothers abuse. 

You are right. I have been thinking about this and I am not sure that speaking to my sibling about it is the right decision.  I will simply have to let it go, for the moment at least. I thought that speaking with her might help to prevent the severe enabling that goes on... .but I think my sister may react in anger if I talk in terms of scapegoat.  Indeed, she has in the past been the one to dish out the abuse against me while my mother watched on with her approval, and satisfaction, even glee.  So I think your advice is correct.  My sister has actively participated in the abuse, and so she may take the discussion about scapegoat and golden child to heart.  The other reason that I wanted to mention it to her though was that she also has two children of her own, and I feel that if the dynamic is not broken with me, then she will repeat it with her children.  i already see my mother seeing one of those children in the same way I felt she saw me.  My sister admitted to raging at her child as well... .in front of friends even, who spoke to her about perhaps getting help... .She was upset about that, but I don't think she took any action.  All I can say is that I would never wish on anyone the position of scapegoat, and as I start to move on, will it fall on a tiny child to pick up the slack? It would break my heart.  Of course it's not the same situation and I have no doubt that things will be different... .but still. 

Sarah girl, I do wonder though sometimes if I myself don't have PTSD.  It seems it damages us no matter what: if we stand up for ourselves and get scapegoated, or do not resist.

[shellbell]

It is difficult to say as many people feel doomed if they do or doomed if they don't. I am an only child that has stood up to my mom since the age of 13 when I first started seeing her rages full force. My parents were having problems and they separated shortly thereafter, likely because my dad refused to take it anymore, and so my mom turned to me as her emotional punching bag. My family was either oblivious, enabled her, or instead thought I was just a "rebellious teen." I had absolutely no support which is likely why I ended up such a mess the majority of my teens and early 20s, but I can say with the utmost confidence, not backing down to her every whim has given me a lot of strength. It has taken me more then half my life (I'm 30 now), and even a master's degree in mental health, to figure out how to finally stand up to her more appropriately. I am very disconnected from her, she asks if I love her, and honestly, I'm not sure I do. I care about her well being, but it has given me the opportunity to treat her like I would any of my patients, arms length. I rarely take things personally anymore, but that doesn't mean they don't bother me. In therapy world we call it transference and countertransference. Either way, I can't imagine having remained a door mat for my mom all those years and I see myself being a much worse position then what I'm in now. I no longer bother trying to solicit the help of family or try to change her behavior. I still have my own need to have a functioning mother which keeps me in a never ending roller coaster cycle of contact/no contact. I think finding the right balance is different for everyone. But most importantly learning exit strategies and learning to not apologize for their own failures has been the most important thing in finding that haphazard balance. I don't think no matter what you choose it will ever be "ideal" but you'll find a balance that maybe comes close and that you feel comfortable with. Best of luck.

[hopeful12345]

I'm the family scapegoat because I also called my mom and others out on our mean and dysfunctional family unit. I had been scapegoated for as far back as I can remember. I know how you feel.

The best solution I found, and it is very successful for me, is to find a wonderful family of choice. THAT then is your family. I don't talk to FOO and don't miss them. I wish things had been different, but it's not so I adjusted.

[HappyChappy]

Firstly caughtnreleased can I say that I admire your fight, the fact you did come back at your BPD mom. You should be proud of surviving your childhood, very proud. I’m also a scapegoat (SG) that fought against it. But some good comes from that, it means you and I aren’t door mats. My GC bro and sis were bullied, I wasn’t  as I had a reputation for fighting back. I once read that a SG can go one of two ways;

First way is to accept the hype and play up to being all the bad things their BPD infers they are, going off the rails so to speak. A BPD will reward behaviour that substantiates their fantasy thinking. The second way is to work hard to prove your BPD wrong, which is the way I went and can lead to burn out. Of course it didn't change my SG status but others were impressed. Got excellent academic record off the back of it, as well as all the other problems we get as children of a BPD.

But I would echo hopeful12345 the best antidote I found was to form healthy relationships outside the FOO. My friends were all scared stiff of my BPD and she did her best to scare them away, but they have always been my family. Who cares about blood, it may be thicker than water but sh*t is even thicker. Friendship is where it’s at, with people like us, honest & loyal.  

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks to everyone for their encouragement.  It's hard to see the silver lining in all this.  In addition to fighting back though I think I absorbed alot of the pain in my family, and expressed alot of the emotions that no one else was willing to own.  I have found a pattern where I am surrounded by people who will say very hurtful things and the more I try to not react, the more they escalate until I blow and express the anger... .I have to learn to let these things go somehow.

Sarah Girl, thank you for your words of caution regarding my sibling.  I was out with my sister recently, and we were discussing some family members who are experiencing really serious problems (they have serious psychological and emotional issues to the extent that they cannot properly function society), and we were talking about how their parents really screwed them up.  My sister then made the comment: our parent "tried" to screw us up.  I had so much to say to that little comment... .but I held my tongue. I definitely feel damaged by the childhood I experienced at the hands of my BPD/NPD parent, however I don't think saying this to my sister would be received with the same honesty with which I would be saying it.  I am still working to build a life and family that satisfies my own needs and it's a really big struggle.  I don't think my sister is at this stage.  She has a life and a family... .however she seems to have no control over it and paints herself as victim of her own life (even her own preschool age children)... .It's sad because this is exactly how my mother painted herself. As my victim! She even told me that I have been her aggressor every since I turned 6! Poor her. Anyway... .many of you have offered the words of "forget them" and move on, and I am doing it... .but it's happenning very slowly, and so I'm at a point that feels very lonely right now... .leaving my FOO behind, without actually having a new place to go towards for safety and support.  It's lonely and hard, and as I look back, all they do is shout, and yell and point to the empty scapegoat chair, telling me to come back and take my place.

[cleotokos]

Hi caughtnreleased, I wanted to offer my 2 cents as I have only become a scapegoat in my 30's. I believe my stepmother to be a covert narcissist. There was never any love or affection from her though she'd been in my life since I was 4. She has a daughter just over a year younger than me (gc) so it was really driven home that I was NOT considered part of the family by the different way we were treated. Until my 30's I tried to earn her love by being "helpful" whenever she asked. She treated me like an errand girl and I put up with it for a long, long time hoping that she would see that I was a good person. She tried to drive wedges between me and my father's relationship because she did not think he could love both her and me. There was an event that thankfully demonstrated to me what her priorities really were (herself, always!) and though it was terrible it broke me free from the spell. I had never challenged her on anything but on this I did, and I could not believe the rage and venom that spewed out of her. I consider myself an honest person and she repeatedly called me a liar and dishonest, which I found particularly offensive (and it was pure projection!). Long story short, she was making up lies claiming my dad had told her I said this or that about her and that I often went on long emotional rants to him about how much I dislike her (somebody's got a guilty conscience!). This is the opposite of what really happened, which was me trying my best to be supportive of my dad's choice to have her in his life, and to make sure he felt comfortable and never felt that I judged him. I know he knows she's abusive, and I see that he feels guilty that he's had her around me but also that he's unable to leave her. I see that he suffers already and never wanted to add to that.

So now, since I'm such a "dishonest" person, she gets a piece of my mind whenever I feel she's violating my boundaries. There are no more favors and no more being helpful, and can I tell you she is not happy about that! I went NC a couple of years ago and she will *still* text or email asking me to do things for her, even though it's been made clear I want no sort of relationship with her. I came to the realization that she will never love me or even see that I'm a good person, there is nothing I can do about that. She is disordered and that's all it is. I have a good relationship with her daughter, who sees that I have been treated unfairly by her mother, but we really try not to talk about it because I don't want her to feel like she has to take a side. Same with my dad. So I don't get any support from my family. My dad even seems to think it's all my fault because I don't put up with her anymore, the way he does. But he's not happy, and it wasn't working for me when I was doing whatever I could to please her. She can't be pleased, because she'd already decided what role I was to play in the family. And that is her issue, not mine; and your mother's problems are your mother's problems, not yours.