Did BPD ex ever test you?

[burritoman]

Looking back, I can see that my ex BPD put me through a number of extravagant tests to prove my love and devotion. I know that this is common in relationships, but those tests are usually more subtle. Mine were much more grandiose. One time she claimed she was late for her period, which I suggested was due to her running again because it was spring. She said she'd never heard of such a thing. Her attitude during the entire ordeal was more dramatic than concerned, saying "UGH... .I BETTER not be pregnant." She ended up sending me a picture of a positive test result, and after we talked about it she didn't like my attitude, claiming that what I said about it was "wrong." Her attention then shifted away from pregnancy and more towards how I'm not showing support. I was supporting her... .I was just more concerned about the situation than she appeared to be. In the end, of course, she wasn't pregnant.

This is just one example. Have any of you been put through similar "tests?"

[greenmonkey]

When I got together my ex her words to me were "I will test you"

I was forever jumping through hoops with her up until I realised how unhealthy the whole relationship was and how one sided it was. If you are in a healthy relationship you do not need to test anyone. It is a mutual love and respect and you do not need to prove it on a daily basis.

She was a classic waif and I could not do more for her than I was doing, but it was never enough or good enough.

[burritoman]

it was never enough or good enough.

Agreed. I have more stories like this. So many more... .

[SummerStorm]

She didn't test me as much as she did her ex.  But I once said to him, "I feel like she was testing you, to see if you would stick around."

Here are some of her tests:

April - Told me she would destroy me and told me to walk away from her.  Told her now ex-bf and I that she was cutting again and gave him an "out."

May - Told her now ex-bf that she might be pregnant.  Hit her now ex-bf for the first time. 

June - Suicide attempt

[apollotech]

Yep, I was tested often in a myriad of ways. I failed----and left the toxicity!  This was one scenario that I remember her running by me: If she did something that I was not comfortable with, infidelity for example, and I didn't confront her on it, that indicated that I didn't care for her/love her enough. My answer to her was: "Well, how about this, why don't you simply not do those things; thereby, negating a need for confrontation." At the time, unfortunately, I didn't understand that I was attempting to apply a logical solution to a child's thinking.

[hope2727]

Over and over and over. I even pointed it out to him. I explained that eventually I wouldn't be willing to participate and he would end up with me walking away so he had better stop it. He couldn't. It was a compulsion I think.

[Teereese]

My stbxh tested me in so many ways over the years.

I failed in every one of his tests.

If I passed in his eyes, I failed myself by bending my core beliefs, values, boundaries, etc

If I failed in his eyes, I held to my core beliefs, values, boundaries, etc

I can see that now that we are separated.

[thisagain]

If I passed in his eyes, I failed myself by bending my core beliefs, values, boundaries, etc

If I failed in his eyes, I held to my core beliefs, values, boundaries, etc

This is so true! My ex set up a lot of situations where it felt like she was testing whether THIS egregious thing would FINALLY be enough to make me leave, or whether I would be a perfect doormat. Maybe not consciously, but that was the effect. And then when I held to my values but wanted to stay in the relationship, that would cause months of rage from her.

[burritoman]

If I passed in his eyes, I failed myself by bending my core beliefs, values, boundaries, etc

If I failed in his eyes, I held to my core beliefs, values, boundaries, etc

This is so true! My ex set up a lot of situations where it felt like she was testing whether THIS egregious thing would FINALLY be enough to make me leave, or whether I would be a perfect doormat. Maybe not consciously, but that was the effect. And then when I held to my values but wanted to stay in the relationship, that would cause months of rage from her.

Yep. Sometimes it wasn't even about my beliefs. It was about doing what is downright ethical. We broke up over the summer after I chose to be with my family during a tense health situation versus coming to her birthday party, after I was given her blessing and understanding to not come down. A few days after that she was crying and begging for me to take her back.

I'm curious to know the proximity of these tests versus the discard. My relationship lasted about three years and I was tested all the time throughout. Even after failing them repeatedly we still stayed together. It wasn't until one mysterious night that she finally chose to leave... .

[thisagain]

Yep. Sometimes it wasn't even about my beliefs. It was about doing what is downright ethical. We broke up over the summer after I chose to be with my family during a tense health situation versus coming to her birthday party, after I was given her blessing and understanding to not come down. A few days after that she was crying and begging for me to take her back.

I'm curious to know the proximity of these tests versus the discard. My relationship lasted about three years and I was tested all the time throughout. Even after failing them repeatedly we still stayed together. It wasn't until one mysterious night that she finally chose to leave... .

The timing varied for me... .It started around a year into our 2-year relationship, and the final discard was related to me enforcing a boundary (that if she threatened suicide and refused to call her therapist I would call 911). She wanted to take it back the next day, but she'd crossed some other lines with me lately that made me unwilling to recycle.

I don't think she consciously intended them as tests, but I did often feel like I was being set up. Like she painted me black and set up these impossible scenarios where my only choice was to either compromise my values or reinforce her delusions. For example, she says I'm controlling, then has an emotional affair or brags to me about how her new "friend" keeps checking her out (basically trying to bait me into reacting), then rages at me for "not letting her have friends." I strongly believe in monogamy and faithfulness and it's right for me to have boundaries about inappropriate "friendships," but if I enforce those boundaries, she rages because she thinks I'm controlling. It's really a no-win situation.

[Mr Hollande]

The tests started from the moment we became a couple, probably before that, and one day I had failed enough of them for her to pull the plug on me.

[Teereese]

The tests started from the moment we became a couple, probably before that, and one day I had failed enough of them for her to pull the plug on me.

Exactly. My stbxh pulled the plug but "it was my fault for forcing him to do so."

I did force the final move. I had worked hard to untangle the enmeshment and emotionally detach for my own sanity.

I would no longer allow myself to get caught in the FOG, be the target of his rages, accept gaslighting, projection and bullying.

He had no use for me any longer.