Hey cloud-
This morning I logged back on and What the heck, there he was... .right there. 45% match even though I hadn't answered any questions. He's so gorgeous. I clicked and looked at his profile. He actually posted decent pictures... .in one he is even smiling. His profile isn't all "i'm awesome"... .it's actually pretty normal sounding... .except he lied... ."I am good in all social situations"... .What? That was not my experience at all. He was awful. Raged at me either during or after every single situation.
The cool thing about about those kinds of 'coincidences' is they are a great way to check in with how we're doing with our detachment. We might define complete detachment as you logging on to that site, seeing him, remembering him, being a little curious, but having virtually no emotional reaction. If we use that as an arbitrary benchmark, how did you do? It's great information, after all the work we've done, to check in and see if we need to stay the course or change anything in our detachment.
But this confirms for me that he is moving on. It makes me sad... .there is no way in hell this man should be seeing anyone let alone has done enough work in therapy to move on.
Yes, and remember that if he's a borderline he has to, it's mandatory, regardless of his emotional state; attachments are everything, basic sustenance for life for a borderline.
But it also makes me sad because i just so feel like he is mine. none of this should have happened.
Is that a belief that is serving you today? Is there another belief you can focus on that serves you better?
To all those people who say online dating is chalk full of people with BPD... .I agree... .however this wolf is in sheep's clothing. There was nothing on his profile that would tell me has a personality disorder as bad as his... .no apparent red flags.
And a larger issue is a person's profile on a dating site is not them, in fact it's a sales pitch, for anyone: put your best cyberfoot forward in search of the ideal relationship.
Dating sites and the internet in general are interesting, but also brand new in the course of human evolution, and almost all the 'real' communication is lost in written exchanges. Graduating to the phone as soon as possible is better, at least we get the tone of voice and real-time interaction that way, and in person is the best, where we get body language, tone of voice and the words, the entire communication. :)ating sites are an easier way to meet someone. Think about life before the internet; we'd see someone in a coffee shop or whatever, strike up a conversation, and it would either achieve liftoff or it wouldn't, but at least we'd be getting 100% of the communication right away, with more social risk. :)ating sites are easier, we can hide behind a keyboard and poke our digital nose into the dating pool, but easier comes with a cost. So I encourage you to continue with them, they are an easy way to meet people, but graduating to the phone and then in person as quickly as you feel comfortable, and before your head creates a fantasy relationship with this person you don't know in it, and then we can use all of the skills, knowledge and wisdom we've learned here and throughout our detachment to stay present and aware, and avoid those pesky personality disorders but also folks we just wouldn't be compatible with. It's fun if we feel grounded and insusceptible, and unwilling to settle for any more crap.
This has been such a rough week for me... .i feel like i will never move on. i feel like i am the one who lost.
Sorry pal. The new year is just around the corner, and the life of our dreams doesn't usually fall in our lap, we get to create it, so how cool is 2016 going to be for you? What directions are you heading? Who will you spend time with? Visualize spring, after the storms pass, it's sunny and a little warmer, a rebirth, and you're in the middle of it happy, content, smiling, fulfilled: what do you need to do between now and then to create that?
