"In push/pull I see how hope is used to take someone's trust and then throw it away."
As I'm sure you know, it's this prolonging of hope that causes such emotional damage, the see saw of hope and despair that stops us from regaining emotional equilibrium. And the hooks go deeper and deeper and are more difficult to remove.
Both these quotes are resonating so much to me. The see saw of hope and despair. Emotional damage is the danger, it is what at stake. It's hard for me to put my finger on what emotional damage is though. I do know that it hurts badly. I also do know there are somethings that seem to be helping me regain that emotional equilibrium. Music and laughing with friends about the situation (want some donuts?
) the are helping this week.
My BPD ex is texting me this week with friendly, "caring/concerned" messages like "how are you doing?" I'm trying to respond with BIFF. But I can feel the slight pull (and push actually, because they are so formal and written like a caretaker). Maybe NC or maybe it will just wither like this-- it seems like it might. I don't want to see her or talk to her on the phone.
KC, your situation is very similar to mine in lots of ways.
I'm still in contact with my BPDex almost daily but my resolve is very strong in not falling back. I know having contact is not the preferred way here but it's working for me, it eases the pain and I'm seeing things more clearly. Like this weekend we spent together at my house, and it was overall a good time with the exception of a few blowups by her wherein I stayed calm and basically didn't respond or engage. After 10 minutes of her verbal abuse, she stopped and next thing you know all was good like it never occurred. It didn't even bother me, just had me thinking she is absolutely insane and thank god I'm not married to her. Anyways she left thanking me for a wonderful weekend and saying she loves me. Then last evening I called but she was in work late and didn't answer so she called me back when she got off and told me she'll call me when she's settled and in bed. Then later when I received no call I sent a good night text. Then I get nasty messages saying actions speak louder than words and she will never believe me and how my busy life didn't allow me to call and finally "goodbye". The intent of the goodbye was to say she's done with the relationship. I just laughed and didn't respond. This morning another message from her saying "good morning, your ego don't let you call or you too busy with?". Probably jealousy issues in her head thinking I have all these other women in my life. All I responded with is good morning. Then she calls me on her lunch, all is normal, says how is your day sweetheart, talks about her work and sick dog, we say we will talk later. All I can think is that this woman is absolutely insane. Push-Pull-Push-Pull-Hate-Love-Hate-Love... .
I feel like I'm gaining control, not getting emotional and can see through her attempted manipulations, I can recognize her insane actions and only feel some pity for her however I know a life with her will mostly be filled with intense pain and hurt. I deserve better. When she didn't call last night I was actually relieved, I didn't feel like I wanted to talk or be exposed to any of her abuse towards me or hear about it directed to all the other so called terrible people in her life. That's why I didn't call.
I do wonder though if she is thinking we are still together. She told me she was through several weeks ago, said we can remain friends, and we never had any discussion to change that. I don't want to ask because my response is no way would I ever consider a permanent relationship with her. I feel like I'm working myself to the day when I will not care if she's any part of my life.
