What does this dream mean? Is my subconcious playing tricks on me?

[hollycat]

I went to bed feeling like I was fighting off the beginnings of a cold, and I had more sugar that I normally eat.  I worked as usual, so nothing unusual activity wise.

I dreamt I was married to a man other than BpdH.  We were separated but came to reconcile. I was happy but I had an admission to make. I got married to someone else (BpdH), while we were apart. My dream Husband was shocked but indicated we could work it out. I have to say goodbye to my other, I told him.

As I ran to meet BpdH, I saw there was a great procession of people accompanying him. They were walking down a large staircase.  I was at the bottom and I found BpdH and he was staring at me in his intense way (that I love in real life).  Our eyes were locked but he moved to avoid me as he got close to me and broke eye contact. I moved in his way and asked him: ":)id you ever love me?"

He said, "One hundred and ten percent" and put his arms around me in a hug.

I woke up sobbing and still crying as I type this. What if he does?  I miss him.  I had stopped this outright bawling and now it is back full force. I am slightly feverish, slightly stuffy. Lord help me, I want him.

Help me. What could this all mean? I do believe dreams carry a message.

[eeks]

Hi hollycat,

I pay attention to my dreams, too.  They say that people who show up in your dreams aren't necessarily the people you know in real life, but they may represent parts of yourself. 

One technique for dream interpretation I've found useful is to "put myself into" the characters and environments in the dream, as described in "Method One" here  www.paulvereshack.com/helpme/appendix.html. 

I wonder if it's significant that you married one man, and then had to confess to him that you'd married someone else?  Are there conflicting priorities?  What different parts of you might each of those men represent?

eeks

[hollycat]

The conflict is I want my Husband to love me and I want to be married to him but his disorder is forcing me to distance and I don't want to but must to save myself.  I am afraid I am throwing his love away.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey holly-

Your dream reminded me of one I had: my ex was in a room full of people, and every time I looked at a different person it was her, the same but a different her.  It took a while but I finally concluded they were all the different hers who showed up in the relationship, the unstable sense of self manifesting, the room being the relationship, me trapped in it.  Don't know if that has anything to do with your dream, dreams are symbolic and surreal.

My ex loved me 110% and hated me 110%, depending on the moment and the stage of the relationship.  It was not a lie, both were true for her when she felt them, in that kaleidoscope of emotions.  I wanted but couldn't have just the love, I had to take all of it or nothing, but all of it was unacceptable so I had to choose nothing.  Sad that, I understand.

[C.Stein]

The conflict is I want my Husband to love me and I want to be married to him but his disorder is forcing me to distance and I don't want to but must to save myself.  I am afraid I am throwing his love away.

Isn't that the crux of it?  You want to get close but when you do you get hurt.  Then you back off, distance yourself, but you are not happy.  So you try to get close again and you get hurt again.  So you back off ... .this time a little further.  This goes on and on until you are so distant it doesn't even seem like a relationship anymore.

I wonder if anyone can really get close to a pwBPD?  It seems the only way to successfully navigate a relationship with a borderline is to maintain a safe distance.  A distance where you are not too emotionally close but also not absent.  This keeps you kinda safer and it also serves to keep the borderline stablish by not triggering engulfment or abandonment fears.

The problem is the loss of a truly intimate connection which impacts the relationship in many ways for both people.  Maybe it isn't so much about throwing their love away but rather saving it before it turns into something dark and unrecognisable?  

[C.Stein]

Your dream reminded me of one I had: my ex was in a room full of people, and every time I looked at a different person it was her, the same but a different her.  It took a while but I finally concluded they were all the different hers who showed up in the relationship, the unstable sense of self manifesting, the room being the relationship, me trapped in it. 

I also experience something similar when my ex makes an appearance in my dreams.  The person that I am seeing isn't her but yet it is her.  I think most of my dreams of her are like this.  She almost never looks like herself in them, but I know it is her.  Weird.

[hollycat]

I broke 6 days of NC to text BpdH about this dream. His response:

Becuz the only time you will choose to see the truth is in your nightmares?

Which made me cry all the harder because that is his roundabout way of telling me he loves me. However, the text exchange did not result (no surprise here) in any resolution.