Negativity - how do I deal with it

[maxsterling]

I had the whole weekend off, yet still got very little done.  Last night night W wanted to go through our wedding photos to find one to send out as a holiday card.  I've been dreading going through the photos with her for the past 9 months (since the wedding) because any mention of the wedding brings out a flurry of 100% negative comments from her.  But, this was a task that needed to be done.  So, I sat with ehr for an hour, trying to move the process forward as quickly as possible.  And yep, it was 100% negative:

- "These photos are horrible.  He is not a good photographer."

- "I hate my dress."

- "ugggh!  I look so fat!"

- "Ugght!  There's my cousin, stupid bi__h!"

- "This photographer didn't coach us very well."

- "this is making me depressed."

- "why is your computer so slow?"

I didn't know how to set a boundary here, because this was a task that needed to be done and we are about out of time.  But listening to all that negativity was pure hell.  I did tell her that I had to work on her car, so we needed to make quick decisions.  Once we decided on a photo, I left the making of the card up to her.  But every time I came in from outside to get something, she had questions for me as soon as I got the door open.  I eventually got what I needed to do done, but was completely exhausted after all this. 

When W got done, she then complained about the cost of the cards.  Then she posted the photo we chose to facebook, many people complimented it, and after that she couldn't stop talking about what a nice photo it was  .  The 180 degree shift in her mood was also exhausting for me. 

I'm glad that task is over.  This morning before work was the typical negativity again.  Thinking about the whole event I concluded that dealing with a pwBPD means dealing with negativity, and there is no way around that.  Validation and comforting can only go so far, so a batter option is to limit my exposure to the negativity and practice enough self care to build up my reserves so that I don't feel so worn out from dealing with the negativty when I have to . 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Thinking about the whole event I concluded that dealing with a pwBPD means dealing with negativity, and there is no way around that.  Validation and comforting can only go so far, so a batter option is to limit my exposure to the negativity and practice enough self care to build up my reserves so that I don't feel so worn out from dealing with the negativty when I have to . 

Yep, this is it. I try to think of the constant negativity my husband spews as like a blue jay squawking. "Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."

[Icthelight]

Thinking about the whole event I concluded that dealing with a pwBPD means dealing with negativity, and there is no way around that.  Validation and comforting can only go so far, so a batter option is to limit my exposure to the negativity and practice enough self care to build up my reserves so that I don't feel so worn out from dealing with the negativty when I have to . 

Yep, this is it. I try to think of the constant negativity my husband spews as like a blue jay squawking.

This is funny. Amazing how reading other's experiences and remarks helps me with my outlook.

Max, I also agree with your statement about limiting your exposure to the negativity and continuing to focus on practicing self care to keep your reserves above empty. One hour of constant negativity may be too much to take in one sitting, at least it is for me. I now make it a point to not go beyond half an hour in one sitting without taking some kind of break. My W doesn't like the breaks, but is usually fine when I communicate exactly when I will be back (i.e. "I'll be back in 30 minutes). I use to think I had to sit there and work through the issues or listen until she was done because she would say that I didn't care what she had to say or didn't care about her period.

I now focus on my energy reserves the same way I look to see how much gas I have in my car. I wouldn't begin a hundred mile drive on an empty tank, yet that's exactly what I was doing with my wife. Keeping your energy tank as full as possible and staying away from the minefields is very important.

[Notwendy]

This sounds pretty typical to me- having an outside source of self. If someone likes your picture, it is good, and if someone does not, then it isn't good. This is a pretty fragile sense of self that can change with the wind.

It is typical of BPD and also a normal stage for young teens who have not yet developed a strong sense of who they are. I recall buying my D a skirt, and once a friend said she didn't like it, my D didn't ever wear it again. Thankfully teens outgrow this, but someone with BPD might not.

This is very typical of my mother, who, if guests are coming to dinner, will ask me constantly- do you think the table is OK? is the soup OK? did I put enough salt in it? It has too much salt, oh this looks terrible. It can wear you out. Also once, I went to the store and got the wrong soup. It was a disaster! The .end of the world! What kind of terrible child does this and you did this on purpose- ruined my dinner!

Then afterwards, " they ate up all the soup ! They liked it. It was great soup.  "

This is what it is. I just tune it out. Really.

Also, I consider what is essential and what is not. You don't have to send holiday cards. It's nice, you may want to do it, but honestly, if it got to be so crazy I may just forget it and not do it.

Your idea to take care of yourself and only take as much as you can is a good one. All this comes from her own sense of self. If she feels critical about her, it can be projected. Perhaps you can see this with some sympathy. It has to be hard to feel like this, but you don't have to.

[KateCat]

Yep, this is it. I try to think of the constant negativity my husband spews as like a blue jay squawking.

Thank you, CatFamiliar.

I have often wondered why my thoughts turn so frequently to the yakkety jays outside my window . . . and then why Screamin' Jaw Hawkins (of the immortal "I Put a Spell on You" is inevitably the first artist on my mind when my thoughts then turn to classic rhythm and blues.

Double mystery solved.

And thank you, Icthelight, for outlining absolutely practical suggestions. These truly do work. 

[idahobpd]

Thanks for posting.  I am new here so feeling some validation.  This is a huge problem.  My BPD lady loves people when she first meets them but finds some reason to dislike them at some point.  The negativity is an issue as well.  It drags me down and feel blessed I travel for work so I can get some peace and quiet.

[maxsterling]

A list of negative words/phrases I hear:

- hate.  As in "I hate... ."

- sucks

- kill  

- annoying

- disgusting

- hurts.  As in "my head hurts"

- I should/we should/you should.  I include that as negative because that is pointing out something that needs to be done that isn't being done, rather than doing it.

When I was a kid, this is a list of words and phrases my mom would give my siblings and I crap about saying.  When I was a kid, I didn't understand why - after all, these aren't swear words!  Now I understand - my mom didn't want to live in an environment where her children were constantly complaining and being negative without doing anything about it.  In the course of about an hour, my wife will use one of those words or phrases in about half of what she has to say.  Seriously!  I don't think I have ever had a meal with her where she doesn't complain about at least one thing or gone more than an hour without her vocalizing some kind of physical pain.  She uses the word "should" about 25 times before she goes to work in the morning.  "I should, we should, should I?"  

I know she has a negative outlook, but is she really this negative?  Or is the use of this negative language just the way her vocabulary is?  When I was a teen, I remember it being fashionable to just walk around complaining about life because that is how we thought we related to each other.  I've had jobs that were the same way, the employees bonded over their negative views of their job/boss.  Perhaps my wife really isn't as negative as she sounds, it's just that she uses the language subconsciously because that is how she thinks she can bond/relate to others?  Sometimes she will ask me something like, "arent you just sick of these commercials?"  I will respond, "no, I tune them out."  Maybe she wants to have a conversation with me, and she thinks complaining about commercials is the way to initiate conversation.  The other thing she does is mention something, then pause a few seconds, and ask "you know?"  "these ads are really annoying... .you know?"  No, I don't know.  i don't know what she is talking about.  Is she wanting validation of her view that life is horrible, or is she just wanting to make a conversation?

[Notwendy]

Max, it may just be here language style and you are adding meaning to it because of how these words were used in your FOO. They meant something, but if she grew up in a family where these words were just tossed around, it may mean nothing.

I have a similar issue with my H. His family does not speak much to each other about abstract things like feelings. They are very concrete. Now my H is well educated, he could read any esoteric book and comprehend the nuances, but he takes my speech literally. If I use an expression, he takes the meaning word for word and reacts to it. If he does, he doesn't even hear the rest of the sentence.

Likewise, if someone in his family member is angry with another one, they just get crude. Not cussing, but brutally, verbally mean and they fight to win. The biggest meanie wins. In this context what they say doesn't have to be true, it just has to be the meanest, and the next comment will compete to be the bigger meanie.

However, in my home, words meant something, and of course we had to tip toe around mom. So it is really hard not to fall apart when my H feels "insulted" and fires back with comments that were so hurtful because, well I thought he meant them. Later he would say he didn't mean them.

Like your home, this kind of thing is completely unacceptable to us. It is also unacceptable to colleagues, and other people he knows, but in his family, it seems to be how the function. Fortunately, he doesn't do this with the kids, and it is less with me because I don't react to it.

You are doing some important personal work and it does help to take care of yourself and be able to discern what is her feelings and what is yours. You don't have to feel her feelings and you don't have to make meaning of them. It is possible that you can sit next to her one day and be supportive, but not affected by this, so it is worth working at and taking care of yourself...

[Icthelight]

The other thing she does is mention something, then pause a few seconds, and ask "you know?"  "these ads are really annoying... .you know?"  No, I don't know.  i don't know what she is talking about.  Is she wanting validation of her view that life is horrible, or is she just wanting to make a conversation?

When I'm just vegging or my energy tank is on empty, my thought when I'm confronted with a similar scenario is, "No, I don't know and frankly, I really don't care." I recognize that being in this state of mind and having this type of attitude is not helpful to my relationship, BPD or not.

My experience when my wife makes comments like this is that she's feeling neglected by me. She wants to engage and connect with me. The issue is that she's already probably feeling annoyed and bothered when she makes the comment, which I sense and pick up on, which puts me on guard, which then triggers my anxiety. She picks up on my anxiety and discomfort and it's usually down hill from there. I can't take much when I have not been self caring and my patience/energy levels are near empty.

I'm using a lot of lines that I've read about here on this forum. Lines like, "What you're saying is important to me, but I can't give you my undivided attention because I'm in the middle of (insert whatever I'm in the middle of). I will be with you (insert when I can sit and listen to her). The key for me lately is that I am trying to be present when I'm with her. I give her eye contact, facial expressions to show her I'm interested and listening, validation and feedback where appropriate. As I begin to wear down, I excuse myself, take a break and come back for a little more.

What type of self care am I doing: started seeing a therapist, doing things that I enjoy even if I know my wife may not approve, going to the gym regularly and trying to eat healthier (this is the most difficult one for me). I'm also spending much more one on one time with my two daughters, which I'm really enjoying. It's unfortunate that I sometimes didn't spend that much alone time with them because I didn't want to trigger my wife's anger (she would say that I would rather spend time with others instead of her). Not anymore. I am really enjoying our time together.

[maxsterling]

Wendy - interesting thought.  Her FOO is definitely like this.  I'm told her mom was very crude and cursed often (mom was also diagnosed BPD).  The rest of her family also talks negatively, but not nearly to the same extent.  I remember the first time I visited some of her extended family, and felt like I was in the middle of a Seinfeld episode, everyone talking negatively about a bunch of stuff and other people that really did not matter.

Even at breakfast yesterday with her dad and step mom, I noticed behaviors from her family members that I would never witness at a breakfast table with my family.  The negativity at least in part comes from the language her FOO uses, and part of my uncomfortableness comes from having not been exposed to it growing up.  But I am not the only one exhausted by W's negativity.  Her friends and co workers tend to feel exhausted by it, too.  Some could be a regional thing, too.  We live in a region that is for the most part very laid back and informal.  W is from a region that has the stereotype of being uptight and fast-paced.

[KateCat]

What type of self care am I doing: started seeing a therapist, doing things that I enjoy even if I know my wife may not approve, going to the gym regularly and trying to eat healthier (this is the most difficult one for me). I'm also spending much more one on one time with my two daughters, which I'm really enjoying. It's unfortunate that I sometimes didn't spend that much alone time with them because I didn't want to trigger my wife's anger (she would say that I would rather spend time with others instead of her). Not anymore. I am really enjoying our time together.

What a wonderful list, Icthelight. I will guess that each one of these choices potentiates all the others and that things are getting much better for you and your family. Good work!

[maxsterling]

Interesting that you list spending more time with your daughters as self-care.  I need to think about this.  Subconsciously, this could be part of the reason for wanting a child - to have someone to spend time with when W is in a bad mood.  Maybe I am thinking that if we had a child, I would be involved with the child and that is something W would not complain about.  As it is right now, she will complain if I spend time with friends or family, or just by myself.  I want a child for other reasons, for sure, but maybe this is part of it?  I see my brother acting this way (he has a dBPD wife, too) with his son.  Sometimes I think my brother enjoys doing things with his son because he can pass them off as "father son time" with his wife.  I know when I was dating a former NPD/BPD partner with an 11-year old son, my relationship with her son made my relationship with his mother much easier to deal with.  When mom was caught up in whatever she was caught up in, I would hang out with the son and have a great time, and she wouldn't mind. 

[Icthelight]

What a wonderful list, Icthelight. I will guess that each one of these choices potentiates all the others and that things are getting much better for you and your family. Good work!

You are correct Kate. As I focus on improving and doing the things I have control over, I tend to focus less on the actions of my uBPDw. Not that all of my problems are gone or she is now on her best behavior, I'm just not obsessing about our relationship (as much  ). I was stuck, repeating the same mistakes and feeling terrible about it. The problem was, I kept focusing on trying to please her, trying to make her happy. It felt like her requests and her solutions constantly changed. But she would so convincingly remember every single detail of the conversation we had when she provided instructions, I always assumed I got it wrong. I felt like I was trying to hit a moving target.

The thought of focusing on me, doing things that I find joy in, and taking care of myself first, didn't seem like the solution to me. I've been called selfish by my wife on countless occasions, so doing just that was counter intuitive, it just didn't make sense. I thought, this is going to make things worst, not better. As I continued to read about BPD and the thousands of posts here, that same message (take care of yourself first) kept getting repeated over and over. I decided to do it, and so far, it is changing the dynamics of our relationship.

Interesting that you list spending more time with your daughters as self-care. 

My interpretation of self care is taking care of myself, physically and mentally. Doing things that I find joyful. Spending quality time with my daughters brings me joy, so I qualify that as self care 

My company's Christmas party was on Saturday. As usual, my wife could not attend (bad back this time). Normally, that would tick me off and I would either find a reason not to go myself, or attend knowing that I would have to deal with her anger (something I did or thought about doing to her) when I returned. Instead, I decided to ask my youngest daughter to be my date. She happily agreed to attend with me and we both had a great time. She posted a photo of us on Instagram saying, "Twas a great night."

I disagree. Twas an EXCELLENT night. Best self care I could've done this weekend.

[Ceruleanblue]

This is just my take on it, but I think your wife was just venting, and perhaps just wanted some reassurance from you. BPDh read a book a couple years ago about things women need, and reassurance, and their husband listening are really high on the list. You might view it as negativity, and I realize pwBPD can be really negative, as BPDh is too, but from what you wrote, my first thought was "she's just looking for some reassurance".

I mean, she DID do a 180 degree turn after some people did give her some reassurances, right? Maybe that was all she was looking for from you? Just a thought. I'm sure there are times BPDh has a right to be negative, and my first thought is "oh, here he goes being negative again".

[maxsterling]

Well, reassurances from me = "he's my husband; he has to; he's just saying that."  That's the exhausting part.  I can spend two hours trying to reassure her, feel exhausted, and with 5 positive facebook comments, her mood changes 

Last night I had group therapy.  It was awesome for me.  Got out of the house and into a positive, validating environment.  Then I came home to more negativity  .

Seem W was observed at work again last week.  I am guessing the fact she was observed was not random, but was because of previous observations that did not go so well.  W has had such a negative attitude towards work recently, that she declared she is no longer going to "plan" her lessons on the weekend, and instead will just wing it.   To some extent, I think this is healthy - if she plans she wants to plan every detail, and she burns herself out.  But, she is wanting to do no planning at all because she wants to "rebel" against her administration for giving her too much to do.

So, yesterday her principal brought her in to tell her that she had been observed, and the observer commented that it was like "she hadn't even planned".  W had a handful of excuses for this, but the reality is - I know the observer was spot-on.  W *hadn't* planned.  So last night, W was in a very bad and negative mood and wanted to complain about being observed, complain about the administration, and somehow complain about me.     W then said she wanted to "say something" to the principal, contemplated sending an email, and luckily I convinced her to at least sleep on it.  W then declared that she would NOT plan for the next day, even though she was supposed to be observed again... .I guess this was more rebellion?

So, BPD timeline here:

- Get bad review at work, decide the solution is to do less work and not plan.

- Get second bad review, with comment that she doesn't plan.  Obviously that's true because she hadn't been planning.  So rather than change, decide to make excuses and do less planning in order to fix the problem.

- one of her excuses for not having a good review was because she didn't know she was being reviewed.  Now she knows she will be re-evaluated, and her decision is to deliberately be even less prepared.

It's hard for me to have any more sympathy for her here. 

[maxsterling]

I had a thought just now - maybe being positive is self-invalidating?  If W has a negative outlook on life in general, then positive outcomes are naturally invalidating.  Does this make sense?  For example, she feels and believes that nobody likes her or wants to be her friend.  When someone does like her or wants to be her friend, she feels invalidated, because that highlights that the problem is with her world-view, not within everyone else.  Or she views her job as one that everyone hates, so when someone else doesn't have as many issues as her, she feels invalidated.  The "I am not performing well at my job because it is a bad job" excuse no longer applies.

If I look at the converse - an optimistic person like me who views the world as mostly positive and filled with good people, I get deeply troubles when something happens to challenge that view.  That's why my wife's constant "life sucks" attitude bothers me - it invalidates my world view.  For example, our wedding.  It was beautiful, and we got lots of compliments.  But my wife things it was a stressful nightmare, and has nothing but negative things to say.  When I hear my wife say those negative things, I feel invalidated. 

[maxsterling]

I was hoping some of this would blow over this morning, but so far it hasn't.

W feels she needs to have words with her principal.  I challenged her to think about this first, and what she hopes to accomplish by saying something.  While W won't admit it, the real reason she wants to have words is because she felt like her side wasn't heard, and wants to get the last word in.  This is what she always does, with every relationship, for as long as I have known her.  I hope she reconsiders, but I doubt she will.

W feels like all the administration does is criticize her.  They have been critical, for sure, but in the black/white world one criticism means all exchanges have been critical and the administration must hate her and want to fire her.  So W wants to tell the principal that she doesn't appreciate being criticized all the time.  I asked her what that would solve, and W replied that she would be standing up for herself and prevent being treated like that in the future.  Obviously, the chance of a positive outcome here for my W is probably zero.  W has already told administration that she feels like she is being unfairly criticized and singled out, and from my W's standpoint, nothing has changed.  Bringing this up again could tip the bucket over.

Because W is under contract and there are a shortage of teachers in my area, I think there would have to be a reason besides poor performance to fire her.  Then again, I would not be surprised if they found a reason to let her go over the winter break simply because of her negative attitude.  I can almost guarantee at this point they will not renew her contract for next school year unless something changes.  From where I see it, W has been nothing but a PITA to her administration and co-workers, as she was at the previous 3 jobs (and the ones before I met her).

This is just a minefield that I need to do my best to stay away from in order to prevent me from being a casualty as well.  I've been doing my best to validate where I can and avoid validating the invalid.  But, dealing with it at all is exhausting.  Listening to it is exhausting, because what goes through my mind as I hear it is not something I can share with her.   

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, you know I'm in the same boat in regards to BPDh's job. He sat around looking really depresses Sunday night, so I asked him why. He said it was about his job, and how he just doesn't understand how this happened. Okaaaaay, well, he sure didn't listen to me, because I tried warning him, and encouraging him to deal with his insubordinate employee. I don't see how he can't see "how" he got here. It's very, very clear to me. I know this is just BPD/NPD, or his inability to accept any responsibility. Nope, it's always someone else.

Like your wife, BPDh is not really doing anything to improve things. He's still spending lots of time on his computer animation programs, as a means of escape, instead of reading any management books, or even getting help for his other issues. He wants to do the same thing he's always done, ignore the problem away. He got here in large part due to his anger and avoidance, and yet he's unwilling to work on those.

It does get frustrating trying to empathize when we can see they are creating these situations. I do outwardly empathize, and try to encourage him, but inside I'm thinking "what do you expect?". It does get exhausting, and it does end up effecting us too.

I can validate until I'm blue in the face, and listen to his worries, but in the end, he has to work on it, and that's where he drops the ball. Also, I tried to share a worry I had last night, and he just got upset, and told me not to go on about it. Total one way street. It's all about HIM.

[Ceruleanblue]

Your wife and my BPDh's situations are so eerily similar. I suggested to BPDh that he get some resumes out, and he acted like that was crazy. He's on a three month trial improvement period, but I bet they let him go, if not then, later. He said he can't use this job, nor the last he was at for 14 years for a reference. What does that tell him?

He isn't a good manager, and he said just yesterday that it's humiliating that people at work know he doesn't even have a car. Well, he doesn't have a car because of HIS bad choices. His car got his by a deer, and he chose to let the insurance company take his paid off, but still drivable car, and take the payoff. I hid the check, because I knew what would happen. He demanded I give it back after a couple weeks, and then he just didn't look at cars, and when I'd show him some, he's find flaws in them. They money dwindled, and dwindled, and I'd say just find a car for the amount that is left, and he'd refuse then too. His Dad kept showing him cars too.

So, the car issue, and his poor management skills, as well as the fact that he's in charge of the IT budget, yet can't manage his own, reflects very poorly on him.

Both our spouses make these issues for themselves, and we are just along for the ride. We can love them, but they have to want to get help. How can they not see that this just keeps reoccurring, and that it's not just the job? My therapist said last week(before BPDh even got written up at work) that most men only get help with anger when it starts jeopardizing their job. I'd shared with my therapist that I felt they were watching him at work, and the same day, he came home with a write up, and possible termination... .

[maxsterling]

Well, W says she asked the principal for a follow-up meeting regarding yesterday.  I see the chance of my W coming out of the meeting feeling more validated at about 1%, the chance of a wash at around 10%, but more likely she will come out feeling worse than when she went in.  I warned her about this potential outcome earlier, and suggested at this point to just let it go.  I think the chance of a complete disaster here that leads to a nervous breakdown is about 10%.  

This same scenario has played out over and over since I have known her.  Three jobs, same thing.  Weeding - same thing.  She wont let anything go at all, and her persistence on getting one more word in drives people away.  

[maxsterling]

Today she sent me a few negative "I hate this" "life sucks" type of text messages.  Then she said she had asked the principal to talk with her after school.  My head immediately went to doom and gloom because in the past when she was that upset and met with someone, it turned ugly.  I was preparing myself to have to deal with it all tonight. 

However, she just called, and sounded in a relatively good mood.  There was no mention of her meeting with the principal.  No negativity whatsoever... .  

About all I can figure is that her stepmom came to the classroom today to help out.  Normally, W hates her stepmom.  But perhaps it went well and stepmom helped keep things calm?  I also think since she has started this medication, her issues are much shorter-lived.  Before the meds, she would get mad and carry on continuously for weeks.  Now it seems like she will be mad and vocal for a few hours at most, then it will blow over and she will move on to something else, whether that be something more positive, or another complaint.  She will likely re-visit that original subject in the future, but it's not this continuous, weeks-on-end obsession. 

My goal needs to be stopping myself from going to the worst scenario, and doing better at trusting that whatever happens, happens.  Too many really bad past events have left a floor covered with eggshells.    I need to remember that at least lately, things haven't been so bad if I crunch a few of them. 

[Ceruleanblue]

At least you are relatively sure what it is that drives people away from your wife, and makes her jobs difficult. With BPDh I know of his bad traits, of course, but because he doesn't share much of his life, I can't be sure what it is that causes the job issues when they happen. Yeah, I know he is dealing with two really insubordinate guys, because I've read their rude/cursing texts, but I don't know if or what BPDh did to set them off. I mean, this could happen to someone without BPD too.

I just know that like your wife, it's a recurring theme, and he's the common denominator. I think it may have happened to him with "friends" too. Does your wife seem to think of people as friends when they clearly are just acquaintances?

Does your wife even have any real friends? It's so sad, because I think they desire friendship, but they do things that make friendship hard. It's good that her meds seem to be helping.

Your attitude is also really helping you, I'm sure. I think we go gloom and doom, not because we are negative, but because of past patterns with them. We've come to expect what usually does happen, so it's good that you are noticing and reminding yourself that things have been different lately.

Since my husband's job crises, he's been much nicer to me. It's like he suddenly needs my support or the issues he has with me, have been put on the backburner.

[maxsterling]

Does your wife seem to think of people as friends when they clearly are just acquaintances?

Yes.  And this goes both ways.  She will latch on to someone as a "best friend" and then be extremely upset if this friend doesn't respond to a text message in a short time frame, or spends time with other people.  And other times, W will get annoyed when a new "friend" is spending too much time with her.  She has befriended the teacher in the room next to her.  They don't hang out after school, but they do talk at school and exchange text messages with each other.  However, at one point W was bombarding this other woman with text messages, the other woman didn't respond fast enough for W, and W then concluded this woman "hated" her and that everyone "hated" her.

Does your wife even have any real friends? It's so sad, because I think they desire friendship, but they do things that make friendship hard. It's good that her meds seem to be helping.

I think she has real friends, but they aren't healthy adult relationships.  Most of her friendships don't stand the test of time.  If one issue comes up, that's it.  She may resume limited contact with those people in the future through facebook or text message, but it is never the same.  Most of my wife's friendships tend to be based on some kind of mutual need or over a particular common interest.  The "common interest" is often simply a desire to sit with someone else and complain about some aspect of life.  I see these as "validation" friends.  If at any time the friend challenges W's view of the world, or isn't there for W when she needs something, the friend is then painted black.  It seems most of the time W gets upset when the friend starts exhibiting the same behaviors as her, such as being critical or a failure to communicate. 

I think healthy adult friendships are based upon a mutual respect, and survive just fine even if each party may have different interests or different views on something.  I have friends that have different political views than me, different religious beliefs, and vastly different interests.  I don't think my wife could have a friend like that.

Your attitude is also really helping you, I'm sure. I think we go gloom and doom, not because we are negative, but because of past patterns with them. We've come to expect what usually does happen, so it's good that you are noticing and reminding yourself that things have been different lately.

I think I need to be easier on myself rather than have expectations on my mood.  Being slow to recover from negative experiences is a natural safety mechanism.  I don't want to be in "doom and gloom", but my brain is going there for a reason and I need to respect that.

Last night I came home from the second job, and she was still in a good mood, and no mention of the meeting with the principal.  She even had a few positive things to say about her students.  I was grateful for her good mood.  She wanted to have sex, but I was not in the mood for that.  The negativity is a turn off for me, and feeling sexual is difficult for me when being faced with that environment.  W, on the other hand, tends to want sex as a distraction from her negative mood.  Recent health problems have not helped, either.  The latest is my scalp being scaly with scabs - probably just severe eczema on my scalp resulting from stress. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, BPDh needs sex to feel close(and also to feel dominant), but I need to feel close in order to want sex. It puts us in a constant catch 22. Lots of times I end up just having sex just to make him happy. Although, since he's depressed, his sex drive is almost nil. That was what really got me thinking something was going on. I'm used to the anger, and BPD/NPD traits, but depression thing was new. Well, "new" as in it happens once a year around this time, but enough time has lapsed between that I forget about it.

We've been together five years now though, so I'm starting to see the cycles. I read on here though that holidays are hard for those with BPD. Which in turn, makes it hard on us. I think lots of self care, and being kind to ourselves is important. We certainly can't count on them to meet many needs. I'm sick with a bad cold right now, but the focus is still on BPDh's worries about his job, his kids, and everything else.

I may not be much of a factor to BPDh, but I sure as heck am with ME, this time around. In fact, I think this year I'll buy myself a Christmas gift, because he's already warned me he may not.

I've noticed too that BPDh doesn't do anything with "friends" anymore. I think he doesn't have true friends, which is just sad. He also resents me keeping in touch with friends. He tries to hide it, but I can tell he doesn't like it.