Met up with ex...it was weird

[lawman79]

So a week after my ex contacted me on a dating app we met up at the dog park on Saturday.  We hasn't spoken since January after a really nasty fight.  I guess in the scheme of things it wasn't so bad.  My ex was the violent raging type, so things could have gone south pretty quick.

  We basically sat on a picnic bench and chatted as watched the dogs play.  Mostly just talked about the dogs.  Didn't talk about the previous relationship or how it ended.  She didn't ask anything about me or how I was doing.  She kept showing me pictures of her dog on her phone.  As I held her phone two of her friends texted asking how my dog was doings, so obviously she told a bunch of people that she was meeting me.

  Overall the meeting was kinda icy.  We didn't even hug.  After an hour an half we just parted ways.  I have heard from her since.  Which I think is a good thing.  I was concerned that she would immediately start texting / emailing constantly as used too.

  The whole thing seems cold and detached.   Could have gone a lot worse.   Not really sure what to make of it or why she wanted to meet up. 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

She probably wanted you to make the first move. When it didn't happen then she was thrown.

Maybe she hoped you would pour your heart out to her and tell her you missed her.

[lawman79]

She was the one that wanted to meet up.  I wasn't expecting her to apologize or anything, she's not really capable of that.  I didn't expect an awkward hour and half discussion about the dogs with no questions or interest in my life.  I wonder if this was a one or off or the beginning of new engagement.  I guess a lot will depend if she meets any one on the dating app.

[lawman79]

So I could really use some advice.  My exudBPDgf recently reengaged me last week and I am a little confused / frustrated.  Just for a little background we dated on and off for 14 months with many break ups.  She was the raging abusive manipulative type probably with several comorbidities.  Her group of friends was also nuts high drama high conflict types... .some worse then her.   We stopped talking early last January after she raged and threw things at me after I spent the whole weekend running errands for her.  I finally had it with her and said equally as nasty stuff back (out of character for me).  It had been almost a year and I really thought I would never hear from her again.

Last week she saw my profile on a dating app and immediately began contacting me through the app.  All she asked about was how my dog was doing ( we got the dog together but it was to be my dog so she stayed with me).  In fact my ex's picture on the app was her holding my dog.   We talked for a little bit and she said she wanted to meet up at the dog park with her dogs and mine.  I was apprehensive about it, but I went.  We literally just spent an hour and a half talking about the dogs... .thought it was weird.  No hug nothing.   Two days later she starts messaging me on Gchat.  We chat on and off for a day, mainly about her two dogs.   Out of nowhere she brings up what happened in January and said I was mean and hateful to her.  I told her that I would not discuss over gchat and if she wanted to talk about this we could do it in person.  She wanted to meet up and talk last night, but while taking the dogs for a long walk. 

We met up and went for an hour and half walk and barely talked about anything important.  Towards the end she asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about.  I mentioned that she brought up the past and that I was here in person if she wanted to talk but gchat was not appropriate.  She had nothing to say.  This morning she messages me again (more stuff about the dogs) and asks if my dog can come for a sleep over.  I jokingly brush it off.  I mentioned that we didn't really talk last night and if she still wanted to talk we could chose an activity that didn't involve walking 3 large dogs.  She said she had nothing to say and was wondering what I had to say.  I told her she didn't seem like she had nothing to say the other night.  She said nope she was good.   So I left it at that.

So I am a little confused... .if this was a normal exgf I would assume she was using the whole dog thing as excuse to talk to me and get together in order to reengage... .but my ex is kinda nutty.  I feel like she is doing a bit of a passive aggressive push pull thing here.  I also think clearly not a lot has changed with her behavior.  So we did dog related things twice in one week and she has been in contact everyday.  I really have no idea what she wants or what she is up to but I don't think it's good new.  I think I have no intention of continuing to do these awkward dog related non-dates.  I can't decide if it's better to just ignore her or just take a few steps back and not respond right away or accept her invitations.   This behavior seems really abnormal to me... .it's like she wants me to apologize and accept 100 percent of fault and beg even though she's the one that reengaged me.  I could really use some advice. 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Hey,  use this for you, be honest about how hurtful she was.  Get everything of your chest.  Then she will disappear from the shame

[Skip]

What are you wanting?

As a general rule, if you want to rekindle the relationship, you can't start by looking for an apology.

Is it possible you were giving off negative vibes?

[livednlearned]

it's like she wants me to apologize and accept 100 percent of fault and beg even though she's the one that reengaged me. 

If she expected an apology, chances are you would know -- she would feel wronged and maybe superior/righteous for lack of better words.

When you left the last time, what made it different than the others? Or was this the first time you left?

[lawman79]

When I left last time... .after over a year of taking her verbal abuse this time I said equally horrible things in return.  Not proud of that but I am human and we all have our limits.

  I think she is absolutely is looking for an apology because out of nowhere told me I was mean and hateful and that she is not what I want.  Since she started contacting me a week ago, I didn't bring anything about the relationship up.  She started down this path over gchat.  I said if you want to talk lets do it in person.  We met and she literally told me I have nothing to say which I responded it did sound like that the other day.  It just really feels like this is some sort of game because she contacts me multiple times a day.  As per usually everything is about her, I don't matter at all.  I am ok with a light friendship but I am not interested in these weird daily interactions with occasional outbursts of anger.  I could use some advice on how to handle.  I don't want to play games in return.  Is it better to just ignore her and go back to NC?

[livednlearned]

Is it better to just ignore her and go back to NC?

Do you want to get back together with her?

[lawman79]

I don't want to return the relationship as it was a year ago.  I know people with BPD or mental illness in general rarely ever change and it takes a lot for them to change.  I had resigned myself to the fact I would never hear from her again and I was somewhat ok with that.  I guess it was kind of shocking. Clearly from her behavior nothing has changed.  I guess I am not completely sure what I want.  But I do know that I refuse to return to a relationship where I abused, taken for granted and treated like a servant. 

If she were a normal ex I would think she was trying to get back together.  But given her mental issues it just feels like she is just seeking attention and validation... .neither of which I want to become a long term source of. 

[Skip]

I don't want to return the relationship as it was a year ago.  I know people with BPD or mental illness in general rarely ever change and it takes a lot for them to change.  I had resigned myself to the fact I would never hear from her again and I was somewhat ok with that.  I guess it was kind of shocking. Clearly from her behavior nothing has changed.  I guess I am not completely sure what I want.  But I do know that I refuse to return to a relationship where I abused, taken for granted and treated like a servant. 

If she were a normal ex I would think she was trying to get back together.  But given her mental issues it just feels like she is just seeking attention and validation... .neither of which I want to become a long term source of. 

If any of this is showing (and pwBPD re very perceptive) its a pretty negative vibe - certainly not a Hallmark movie.

Maybe she just really wanted to a dog play date - a humble, what if, kind of thing.

Nothing bad happened here expect that she did not meet your expectation sof an apology and to work through with you the bad feeling you had from the breakup, right?

It's natural to want to get help to sooth the wounds, but this usually doesn't go over so well we a couple is feeling each other out over a possible friendship or more.

What do you think?

[lawman79]

Skip,

Thanks for your comments.  I agree nothing that bad happened.  I am a little confused and frustrated but not really a big deal.  I am certainly not set back to where I was.  I would be open to a friendship, but it would have to be a real friendship not a one way thing where I am just here to validate her and give her attention.  Also two meet ups in one week and daily communication seems like a lot to me.  I also don't get constant invitations for my dog to stay over her place (she has two dogs) is she inviting me or the dog? Seems weird.

As I said I would be open to a friendship and occasional dog play date, but it would have to have boundaries and right now given her behavior there are no boundaries.  I haven't reached out to her today and we don't have any other plans to meet up.  I think I will just wait and see what she does.  I have a hunch she will try to do another dog date this weekend... .which just seems so odd to me. 

[Skip]

Know that if you have a let of skepticism, doubt, mistrust, and unfinished business, you're not going to get a very positive response - people feel that in the air. 

It's hard to venture back in when we have been hurt. You seem to have a lot of expectations of her right now, can you let that go - and so it without making yourself vulnerable or violating your values?

Wherever this goes, you want to stay true to yourself.

[lawman79]

Given what she put me through its very difficult to not have doubt and mistrust.  My friends and family are not happy at all that I am speaking with her again. 

In terms of expectations, I don't expect an apology or for her to admit that she did anything wrong.  She was never capable of that and I doubt that has changed.  I just expect her to treat me with respect and not use me.  Yes I am deeply skeptical that even those expectations maybe to high for her.

[thefixermom]

lawman79, trust your instincts.  It does sound like she is looking for something from you. The big clue for me is her asking you what you have to say, like she wants you to initiate and is hoping to draw it out of you. Perhaps she thinks with more time spent together you will say what she hopes to hear you say.  You wrote: "I'm not sure exactly what I want."    The one thing I can suggest is for you to think about what you do want.  Not just with  her but in your next relationship, whether it be her or someone else.  I'm thinking that if you can write down what you want then you can better see in black and white if she is a fit or not. That way you don't have to rely on any muddy debates (in your head) or feelings that might get stirred up.   It sounds like your friends and family care deeply about you and want what is best for you.  I'm surmising they've seen you experience deep hurt, work your way back to a better place and don't want to see you backslide.