25 Years of no contact

[Please help]

I have been NC for almost 25 years from my father and 27-28 yrs from my mother. Many of you feel the pain of NC during this time of year the most. I ask you to remain strong and stay NC. If you have to cut your bio parents off, there is a serious problem.  If you are on this forum looking for answers, that means you have some sanity.

  I just had a baby and my wife suggested I call my F to inform him. Deep down, I fantasize about him showing up , quickly making amends and being a wonderful grandparent. This is nothing more than a fantasy. He wanted nothing to do with me. Why would he be interested in my kids.

The real evidence I have about him not wanting his kids is not the fact he abandoned me. He told people I abandoned him and my mother. The evidence is with the kids he had with his 2nd wife. After he & wife #2 divorced, he owed tens of thousands in child support. His ex-wife was going to marry another guy and new guy was going to adopt my fathers kids from wife #2. Apparently, new guy put the crack pipe down long enough to have a moment of clarity and backed out. He was going to marry a drug addict woman and adopt her kids. The few times I spoke to my father over the past 25 years, he mentioned this story to me. He was bragging about how it almost happened and he could have gotten away from child support back payments. He laughed that the court told him not to make any CS payments until this matter ( new guy) was settled. He said his lawyer was shocked at how lucky he is.

This story tells me he has no problems letting someone adopt his kids to avoid CS payments. The kids ended up in foster care for 7+ years. The few times he contacted me during this period was when he finally had the kids (they were 18) and moved in with him. They were out of control with drug abuse and he wanted me to help him (probably take them off his hands). I do not know these kids and refused to help him.

The last conversation I had with him was me trying to build a normal relationship between us about 1.5 years ago. I was telling him about my job and he then reminded me of how the school counselors used to think I was "special needs" because my math skills were so poor. Of course this had nothing to do with him being in prison during my childhood and me switching schools 8+ times between K-12th grade.

  I do have one question for you folks.  He has no interest in me. Could some of this come from the short time I was with him as a kid although I remember him, he does not really remember me? He was mostly high and drunk. Someone pointed out I was probably nothing more than a vague blur in his past.

  This is why he appears to have no emotion towards me. The few times we spoke, he recalled a few events but that was all.

  Your thoughts please

Thanks for listening.

[Harri]

Hi!  Congrats to you and your wife on the new baby!

I do have one question for you folks.  He has no interest in me. Could some of this come from the short time I was with him as a kid although I remember him, he does not really remember me? He was mostly high and drunk. Someone pointed out I was probably nothing more than a vague blur in his past.

I think his being drunk and/or high for most of the time he was with you would definitely impact his memory and his ability to connect with you on an emotional level.  I was on prescription pain killers for several months at one point and the whole time is a haze and I never even felt high from them so I think the drugs definitely had an impact on him. 

Like you said, his inability to connect is not just demonstrated in his relationship with you but with his 2 ex'es and his other children.  His bringing up the "special needs" story (and who knows if that is even true) and his being proud of not only being a deadbeat father but getting away with it and then bragging about it is just off.  Way off.

Too bad for him because I think he missed out on something big by not getting to know you. 

[isilme]

I have no answer about the lack of emotional connection, other than to also agree being in an altered state of mind is probably a strong factor in the lack of that connection.

I wanted to thank you for posting this.  I have been NC with my abusive father since he kicked me out at 19, and told others I ran away (to graduate college cum laude on a full-ride scholarship and then start on my career, I'm such a rebel).  Because to me he was the boogeyman, a figure of veiled and not so veiled physical threats (liked to threaten to murder me and mom and then kill himself with kitchen knives in the months before eh divorce) as well as emotional manipulation, anytime I HAVE encountered him, or think I will, it triggers a fight or flight response in me. So staying NC is not hard there.

BPD mom, I have been NC on and off with her, and keep giving up on NC from guilt.  I was parentified into being her caretaker, and that is partly why I need NC.  I can't stop feeling like I need to give up on my life to take care of her when in contact.  Or like I am a b!tch for not doing so, a terrible daughter, etc.  And she pushes that idea in the Waif/Queen way she has, as well as stealing my identity or putting my name on credit applications so I get the nasty calls when she steals things by hot check.  Recently, I had a "should I break NC" crisis.  I'm still in it.  I am 38 and getting married in May.  I'd love to have a mom to share things with.  But I don't.  I have a 69 year old wayward daughter who has a substance addiction, poor life choices, and won't do anything to help herself, like take her lithium to help with her bi-polar disorder. 

She found me on Facebook, after I was guilted into lifting her block by a half brother (he did not meet her till he was 36 - he was put up for adoption at birth because she was unwed in the 1960s).  I panicked over doing that, then nothing happened, then last week I got a friend request and had a mental break down over something so stupid. 

So yes, if NC was needed and nothing has changed, NC is probably still needed

[Please help]

You sound exactly like me. I too have had some success ( and many failures) in life. I am in my early 40's and it hurts knowing I cannot share the joy of sharing a child with it's grandparents. It must hurt a great deal wanting to have your mother at your wedding. It's something you may have to do without her. I too went through that. It's probably not as much as a social stigma and emotionally painful for a guy though.

The only words of solace I can offer is at least you will have peace on your big day.

I know what you mean about a friend request on Facebook from a toxic parent. It's a flood of bad memories.

Try to keep healing and understand your parents are very sick. I used to think maybe the issue is with me. I realized dysfunction breeds dysfunction. Find some normal families and study them. Although there may be quirky members, pay attention as they are mostly functional. Strive for normalcy as I am sure you are doing. The reason most people in your family are messed up is because they were bred to be dysfunctional.

As you keep NC, listen to the peacefulness of your soul. It's a beautiful feeling of being healed. There is no craziness just your own sanity.

I think the holidays trigger more guilt about NC. Someone once told me to guard my peace and sanity at all costs. We survivors know how important that means.

Please forgive me if I came across as "preachy". It was meant to show I  understand what you are going through.