EX wants me to spend Christmas with her to help her move on

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all

My estranged uBPDw turned up just over a week ago at my apartment after 5 months separation and with myself instigating total NC during this period.

She now wants me to spend Christmas with her to help her finally move on after the heartbreak I have caused her with ending the relationship (LOL).

Because we are still married, I am thinking about taking this opportunity to try and push the divorce through at least in the country where I live now, I know she has a one way flight booked back to her home country just before the New Year.

I have had all the tears from my ex and how she did nothing wrong in the relationship and how much she loves me, to which I respond to her that I do not believe a word she says and that I no longer have feelings for her.

I explained to her that if we do spend Christmas together, to not read anything in to it and that the relationship is over and it will be as friends and to discuss divorce issues.

Am I playing with fire if I agree to spend Christmas with her?

Thoughts welcome please.

[English Sid]

Hi all

My estranged uBPDw turned up just over a week ago at my apartment after 5 months separation and with myself instigating total NC during this period.

She now wants me to spend Christmas with her to help her finally move on after the heartbreak I have caused her with ending the relationship (LOL).

Because we are still married, I am thinking about taking this opportunity to try and push the divorce through at least in the country where I live now, I know she has a one way flight booked back to her home country just before the New Year.

I have had all the tears from my ex and how she did nothing wrong in the relationship and how much she loves me, to which I respond to her that I do not believe a word she says and that I no longer have feelings for her.

I explained to her that if we do spend Christmas together, to not read anything in to it and that the relationship is over and it will be as friends and to discuss divorce issues.

Am I playing with fire if I agree to spend Christmas with her?

Thoughts welcome please.

[Mutt]

You're separated for 5 months and getting a divorce with no reconciliation? I don't think that you're obligated to spend the holidays with her, she is also leaving the country. I'm guessing you may not see her for awhile but I wouldn't discuss divorce at Christmas if you choose to spend time with her over the holidays.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Lol, if you have a relative stay with you of best lady friend at the same time the ex is thier then, maybe this could be good. Other then that, your putting yourself in emotional if not physical danger.  Good luck.

[English Sid]

Thanks for the reply's

What I did not put in the original post, was that she said that if I did not see her at Christmas and before she left, she would come to my apartment and wait outside until I let her in or that she would come to the bar I frequent and just sit at the side of me.

Maybe easier to meet her in the city where she is staying and wait for her to leave.

[thisworld]

Wow, this is one of the most absurd things I have ever heard in my life and I'm afraid your wife may be the worst knock knock joke ever 

Are you hundred percent sure that divorce may be processed in that window and if she leaves anyway, would your plan still work?

I think it may be very difficult to get her to leave once she gets in and I think yes, this is playing with fire. I think someone who is threatening to stand outside till you let her in or come to the pub is not intending to move on but move in. Will you be alone at home at Christmas?

[English Sid]

Yes I will be alone at Christmas.

The problem I have is that even if I go to another city for Christmas and don't tell her, she would overstay her visa as she as already threatened to do and wait until I got back after the holidays, so just think it will be easier to book a hotel in the city where she is staying just to appease her until she leaves.

The divorce could be sorted via a signature from her or even if I get an address on where to send the documents, just need to convince her.

[thisworld]

English Sid,

I personally would look into the particulars of grounds for desertion/abandonment in this Asian country and try not to allow her do anything that sets the clock back in case you need it one day - I hope you don't. I'd also try to be assertive and offer a win-win rather than completely appeasing or threatening - but I don't know how your wife responds to different attitudes, only you can know that. Maybe it would be good to attempt to get the signature somewhere in the middle of appeasing rather than leaving it to the end of the stay or your time together because if she refuses, you'll have nothing left to do. I think it would be good to offer a win, a carrot that will be given only after the signature.

From what I understand, which may be wrong, she still thinks she has this power - why is the threatening you with overstaying her visa? To my understanding, that's completely her problem, she is the one to be fined or deported. (But maybe that would affect the divorce, again, I wouldn't know.)

Good luck really

[English Sid]

thisworld

Thanks for the feedback, I too have thought about dangling a carrot only after a signature is given, I will put my suggestions to her when we meet.

With regards to overstaying her visa, this may affect the divorce procedure but would have to look into this with my lawyer.

[Mutt]

I'd also try to be assertive and offer a win-win rather than completely appeasing or threatening - but I don't know how your wife responds to different attitudes, only you can know that.

Hi English Sid,

I agree with thisworld. She sounds waifish if she wants you to spend Christmas to sooth her feelings. She's emotionally blackmailing you with standing outside of your apartment or following you to the bar. I would advise to not react to any of it. You have a lawyer, you pay your lawyer good money. Why not have your lawyer take on this stress and have him / her deal with your STBX?

[hollycat]

You need to talk to your lawyer. Your wife may well be setting you up to have sex with her and that act may set the divorce back. I don't know where you are, so of course I cannot know the laws you are dealing with, but in some places, if you resume marital relations (sex), it messes up a divorce and you have to start over, timewise.

You are playing with fire if your goal is divorce.

Just my opinion.